After reading so many rich and insightful posts, I don't think I have anything as significant to say, so this is mostly me getting my thoughts outside of my head, as scattered as I am this late at night

I think I'm going to starting the process of actually getting hormones within a few dr's appointments! It feels like I'm close enough to feel a kind of edge, but in a good way this time.

Pushing past my usual crippling anxiety is an ongoing process for me, but as of last week I am much less unsure about transitioning. I decided to try listening to my fears, that I'm doing the wrong thing by not 'sitting back down and fitting in' by spending some time trying to be a "man". It took conscious effort every hours I was awake, trying to force myself back into that mold. But it got dangerous and I had to stop after barely a week.

The entire time I was trying all of that I fluctuated between vicious self-loathing, fatigue, being extremely anti-social, constant headaches, crying a lot, not eating, being seriously tempted to self harm again and having suicidal thoughts again. It was too dangerous to keep up. I'm sorry for that ranting list of terrible things, but that's bad I felt.

I told my therapist all of this and she agreed that pretending to be cisgender is not a viable option for me. I'm getting set up with my new primary care dr for the hrt part, and getting a consult on FFS and nullification srs for later. I'm starting electrolysis next week. There are still things I'm uncertain about, but I am very excited about the direction I am going. Thanks for reading, 
-Avery

All the best, Avery. And remember, if there are things you are unsure about you can talk to the forum about them. There are many experiences and perspectives here, someone is bound to have an angle that will resonate with you. Hugs, Grace

Feel free to have your say. What you say may be significant to someone else even though it is only your thoughts of the moment.

I'll bet it feels good to have a direction and be on your way.

You can't pretend to be a person you are not without having unhealthy side effects.

Best of luck going forward. Don't be afraid to share on the internet. It can help a lot, no matter how you proceed. Congratulations on the changes you are making.