Quote from: @Diana on May 11, 2014, 02:21:42 AM
oops I called you cute in another thread, didnt mean to hurt your feeling ... 

I know and it's ok. People generally mean it as a compliment, but to me, being called cute is emasculating. It's not as bad as being called effeminate, but it still makes me cringe.

Happy f-ing Mother's Day. May she one day feel the full brunt of my hatred for her.

I was looking at the national suicide rate and noticed that the state I live in consistently ranks in at the top 5th-6th highest percent in the nation    Wonderful, very comforting

Shantel, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Hugs for you and your sister!



I'm sad because its Mother's Day and my mom and I aren't speaking, my sister either.  And my MIL hates me for breaking her daughters heart.. now if I can only get my godmother to hate me too, it'd be a perfect day.

Quote from: Paula Christine on May 11, 2014, 09:42:15 AM
Shantel, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Hugs for you and your sister!

Thanks Paula you are very kind, it's the circle of life!

Quote from: Paula Christine on May 11, 2014, 09:42:15 AM
I'm sad because its Mother's Day and my mom and I aren't speaking, my sister either.  And my MIL hates me for breaking her daughters heart.. now if I can only get my godmother to hate me too, it'd be a perfect day.

We all go through it, I didn't speak to or see my mom and sister for ten years for the same reasons no doubt and my youngest son changed his last name over it and we haven't seen him in years. Mom and sis eventually got past it and we buried the axe and had some wonderful hugs.

Many many many things that I won't really delve into, except for two.
Getting hospital bills that my insurance isn't picking up, and I'm too scared to call my insurance.
Having to pretty much decide between school and transition for the next year in less than 12 hours. I can't continue both. I can try to appeal the decision to put off future enrolment until August 2015 and try to get summer classes, but I pretty much have to get a 4.0 in all of them to save me. Dad thinks it's best if I pause transition while I try to, but I think it'd only make everything worse. Really really makes me feel like a failure at life.

can't figure out why i started spotting every month o.o

shantel I'm sorry you lost someone you cared about

///

got an email from my brother.

WHY. Everyone else seems to think I sound male, but I just recorded a custom voicemail message and I honestly hear a woman. I can't hear anything else. I mean, am I just screwed up in the head?? So deluded by my own dysphoria? My voice is deep but I hear the feminine "sing song" in it...

Quote from: birkin on May 12, 2014, 03:03:42 AM
WHY. Everyone else seems to think I sound male, but I just recorded a custom voicemail message and I honestly hear a woman. I can't hear anything else. I mean, am I just screwed up in the head?? So deluded by my own dysphoria? My voice is deep but I hear the feminine "sing song" in it...

Yup, probably a head thing, we talked about this and how M & F alike are fooled by their own brain's long term perception of self. It should change over time.

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 11, 2014, 10:55:46 PM
can't figure out why i started spotting every month o.o

Have you seen a doctor? If not, please do.

Quote from: Edge on May 12, 2014, 09:35:02 AM
Have you seen a doctor? If not, please do.

i noticed it a few months ago. never really thought it was serious since it only little bit but imma tell my endo wednesday

This was more yesterday, but I've been noticing a huge increase in my social phobia lately and it's making things harder.  When I went out with my family (two sisters and mom) yesterday for Mother's day, I felt like I stood out in a big way.  The fact that I'm easily the tallest (5"11) really highlights how hard it's going to be for me to blend.  I felt like everyone was staring at me playing the "what is that" game.   To make things harder my waiter suggested that I was one of the three sisters while we were taking the photo.  While I realize that should be a compliment for me, it made me feel awkward as I was in male presentation and look so freakish compared to my sisters.  I don't know.  People are noticing the changes even more, but I still don't really feel like I blend either way.  I'm just a walking joke.  I hate being in between genders all the time.  It makes me feel uncomfortable.  And there seems to be no solution whether I try to look male or female, I'm just a mix at the moment at it sucks for me.  I'm just tired of all the eyes that I feel on me and the guessing of my gender.  Just leave me be. 

LTL I'm 5'11 and don't have issues. I'm not saying people wont stare at you, they will. people stare at tall girls all the time. You just have to learn to accept that. Embrace it and rock it.

Today I struggle because I am a nice loyal reliable person and honest, but I really have trouble communicating and expressing myself in ways that don't make me sound like a bitch. I wish I was better at expressing myself in words.

Quote from: Serenation on May 12, 2014, 10:18:56 AM
LTL I'm 5'11 and don't have issues. I'm not saying people wont stare at you, they will. people stare at tall girls all the time. You just have to learn to accept that. Embrace it and rock it.

Today I struggle because I am a nice loyal reliable person and honest, but I really have trouble communicating and expressing myself in ways that don't make me sound like a bitch. I wish I was better at expressing myself in words.

It's just that I hate being stared at.  If I was convinced that I blended, then I could accept being tall.  But as of now, I'm like this genderless being that everyone is looking at.  And neither side of the gender spectrum is convincing due to my appearance.  Plus, when I am around my sister's I jsut feel like I must look so weird compared to them. It's just hard for me to deal with and I'm sick of all these eyes on me.  I can't wait for it to all go back to being normal.  Where I know I'm blending in and don't have to worry about everything.  But seriously, I don't think that's going to happen and I'll have to deal with things as they are. 

I remember that in between stage, it royally was a pain. It does pass though it lasts for different lengths of time for each individual.

Mostly it made me unhappy yesterday.

My father came here to install a towel bar (I don't have a drill), and gave me a small bag from my mother. What was inside?


Male underwear I never took away when I left. ¿Now? More than a year into HRT transition? I only wear that when I am cycling and I can't tuck.

locked myself out my house today o:

Quote from: AppleJack on May 12, 2014, 12:19:37 PMMostly it made me unhappy yesterday.

My father came here to install a towel bar (I don't have a drill), and gave me a small bag from my mother. What was inside?


Male underwear I never took away when I left. ¿Now? More than a year into HRT transition? I only wear that when I am cycling and I can't tuck.

The only male underwear I want is ones I entered a contest for. Signed by Cristiano Ronaldo. I don't care that he plays for the evil enemy, he's still sexy as hell, and putting those up on my wall would make me look awesome

Other than that, I got rid of all mine.

And to add more poop to this week, my last patch fell off.  48 days, 12 patches. And the doctor didn't renew the prescription for another month like she said she would. I'll have to call her today and hope I can get a hold of her. I may have to also switch to an oral, which isn't as effective. On top of that no word back still from jobs, I've got to apply to more now and hope they can get back soon so I can go buy food soon, I'm running out, and I can't rely on just me roommate to buy things for the both of us.

I just found out that yet another friend of mine recently passed away.  I don't know too many details, but I have a pretty good guess as to what happened.