Actually, today I woke up feeling okay and sort of up beat.  Like I said, I was adding a depressant into the mix for the past few weeks to cope with life and stopping it may have made things harder to cope with.  I'm doing okay as of today, so that's nice.  All in all, I'm not really sure I want to take these sort of medications.  Maybe the occassional xanax or klonopine but I'm not a fan of taking SSRIs if it can be avoided.   I'm going to avoid calling the pyschiatrist for now and will speak to my therapist about my situation again.  Maybe just going on anxiety drugs will be enough as I'm not feeling like jumping off a bridge today, lol.   

Quote from: Colleen♡Callie on May 10, 2014, 07:45:01 PM
I refused anti-depressants at first, she got me on a loophole.  My ADD meds alone haven't really been enough to overcome the executive dysfunction, so when I brought that up at the end of the session, she prescribed Wellbutrin which is an anti-depressant that is also used at times to treat ADD.  So yeah.

It takes about 2 weeks to take effect though, and I've only been taking for 1 week so far.

I considered taking wellbutrin in the past.  In a way, it sounds like it would be great for my depression, but on the otherhand it can cause anxiety issues.  Not good for someone like me. 

Yeah, they can take a few weeks before you really notice any substantial relief.  I hope it'll work out for you.

Quote from: Serenation on May 10, 2014, 08:16:06 PM
I always had Anxiety but it became Acute Anxiety when I started to transition which made everything Extremely difficult and has taken me a long time to beat. Went on xanax daily, then quit that and went on anti depressants Escitalopram 5mg which did Help me get my independence back, I stopped worrying if those schoolgirls 5 aisles away in the supermarket were laughing at me or not. If those guys smoking near the front door would stab me on the way out. They really helped me to learn no one really cares as much as I think they did. I was on them for a good few years and they did help but they do have side effects.

I had some weight gain, fatigue, couldnt code programs anymore. My eyes were focusing slower which made driving harder. I have to drive 5-6 hours to get to gender services and was unable to do it alone due to fatigue. So I went off them (the withdrawels are not too bad, especially after kicking xanax) and now I just take Xanax now if I get an acute anxiety attack. (Xanax is near impossible to get a perscription for in Australia now, doctors are no longer allowed to perscribe)

My doc insists that they should not have caused weight gain or fatigue, I have far more energy and less appetite since going off them though.

tl;dr Yes they probably will help but you will have side effects.

Yeah, those sort of side effects freak me out.  And it seems a lot of doctors write off the real side effects that people experience from SSRIs.  However, any sort of relief sounds good.  It's bs that they are making it so hard to get xanax.  While it can be abused, it is almost life saving to people with severe anxiety.  Just prescribe it responsibly and give it to patient's that aren't seekers.  Believe me, you can tell which ones are just by talking to them.

I took wellbutrin for a few years, including during the most significant parts of my transition, and it was really helpful. Like, maybe it saved my life, I dunno. It got me back to eating when I was so apathetic I was starving myself, and it got me ambitious enough that I felt like I could make the changes I needed in order to be a normal person. I am very prone to anxiety, and stopped taking wellbutrin when my old smoking habit was under control and the depression wasn't.

I currently take mirtazapine and occasionally alprazolam. I tend not to tell people in person about either one, because they judge. When I have to deal with other health problems, my medication is on my chart, and I'm frequently asked about things like suicide or homicide when in medical settings, but they let it go when I tell them my [primary diagnosis] is adequately treated and stable.

If you have real problems you can't solve, I would definitely advise medication. There were times in my life where I did everything in my power to be a better person, ate healthy food, exercised regularly, went in public and took what felt like social risks regularly enough to not be a hermit, worked on every skill I thought was important, really did everything I could, and either felt bad or had no feelings until taking drugs for the problem. Don't take meds if you don't need them, but if you do it's not necessarily a big deal and doesn't mean you have to take them forever.

Anti-depressants probably saved my life.  I started taking citalopram a bit less than two years ago, and added Welbutrin a few months later. They did work for me, and got me to the point where I could do the work with a good therapist to put myself back together. I don't feel numbed out, and my life is better than it's been in years. Not sayin' it's easy -- I have financial worries, and this transition stuff isn't a walk in the park -- but I'm connected to the world again, and also to myself, to the person I'm supposed to be.

A side benefit of the Welbutrin, for me, is that I've lost a lot of weight without its being very difficult. I've added a change in diet and a decent exercise routine to the mix, and I think I can keep this up until I'm the size I'm supposed to be.

Anti-depressants aren't a cure-all, but they're a lot better than they used to be -- and so, by the way, is therapy, if you find a therapist who's trained in modern, evidence-based techniques. It's the combination that does the job; it's not easy, but it's a whole lot better than the alternative.

I took wellbutrin... it was pretty cool, I didn't even trick myself into thinking I wanted to get out of bed ever again, I was a happy zombie.

Funny that wellbutrin helped motivate peeps, it did the opposite for me, it was awesome, I spnt like 3 months just staring at the ceiling. I didn't even want to shop. I didn't even want to talk to people, or amything, just chill, 24/7

But it made my shaking worse. So I need something else instead.

I'm sorry you didn't have a better experience with it. It seems to be activating for most people, but it just goes to show that there's a lot of individual variation in how people respond to these drugs. It can take a while to find the right one, or the right combo, and when you add the fact that they mostly take a while to kick in, it can be a really discouraging process.

I don't think it helps that so many people these days seem to get their Rx from their primary care doc, who has neither the time, nor the training, nor the experience to figure out what might work best for each person.

I get my psych rx thru my endo funny enough, though i could ask my gp too. The thing is, I don't want to see a pdoc cuz I know I'll get way too attached. Already on that rollercoaster with therapy. And is it just me or are a lot of psychiatrists fatherly old men? lol

But yesh, definitely want to keep trying. blah. I probably need antipsychotics.

QuoteAnd is it just me or are a lot of psychiatrists fatherly old men? lol

Nah. Mine's a nice-looking woman, a few years younger than me. And as for getting too attached -- you don't see them that much. They're in the business of prescribing, these days, and they're pretty focused on that. I see mine about once  every three months, now. I mean, I like her and all, but it's not remotely the same dynamic you get with a therapist.

I was on Zoloft which didn't make me numb. It made me feel better but the more I didn't face talking with my wife the more depressed I became and the higher my dose became. After every increase I would feel better then the depression would catchup from not facing things. I just can't face things. Medication does help if it leads you to facing things but if you don't depression comes back. I need to face things but it's so hard. I wish life would end everyday. 

Quote from: Tysilio on May 13, 2014, 05:59:24 AM
Nah. Mine's a nice-looking woman, a few years younger than me. And as for getting too attached -- you don't see them that much. They're in the business of prescribing, these days, and they're pretty focused on that. I see mine about once  every three months, now. I mean, I like her and all, but it's not remotely the same dynamic you get with a therapist.

Hah yeah, I only have experience with my mom, who saw her psych every week for a long time. Though i met her and she was really pretty and young, so you are right, it's not all fatherly old men.

Quote from: Melanie CT on May 13, 2014, 06:23:05 AM
I was on Zoloft which didn't make me numb. It made me feel better but the more I didn't face talking with my wife the more depressed I became and the higher my dose became. After every increase I would feel better then the depression would catchup from not facing things. I just can't face things. Medication does help if it leads you to facing things but if you don't depression comes back. I need to face things but it's so hard. I wish life would end everyday. 

hugs

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.  They are very appreciated.  I'm probably doing the wrong thing, but I'm holding off on contacting the psychiatrist.  Yes, that will disappoint my therapist and probably hurt me in the end, but I feel like I'm on the road to nowhere to begin with.   I don't know.  At the end of the day, I don't think there are any real answers for my problems or ways to get passed my issues.  As much as I would love a magic pill, I'm doubtful it will work nor will reality change.  I just don't think I'm ever going to get over things and one day have a magical life. I don't know. 

I'll talk to my therapist at our next session and do something I guess.   I'll see what she says and look up more on these pills.  Thank you for the suggestions.  It does make me feel better to know they have helped some people and that it worked really well for a few.  I'm just hesitant to go through a pill popping experiement again, but I am getting desperate at this point.  I just feel.... I don't know how to explain it.  Just nervous and scared about it, though I really could use relief.  I'll probably end up doing it.  I just feel afraid of going through this again and giving up cymbalta even though it doesn't seem to help.

I hear a lot about wellbutrin, but I think it's the wrong drug for me.  While it may help me with my depression and suicidal thoughts, it will likely only increase my anxiety.  And god knows I need less of that given my severe social phobia and anxiety.

Quote from: Melanie CT on May 13, 2014, 06:23:05 AM
I was on Zoloft which didn't make me numb. It made me feel better but the more I didn't face talking with my wife the more depressed I became and the higher my dose became. After every increase I would feel better then the depression would catchup from not facing things. I just can't face things. Medication does help if it leads you to facing things but if you don't depression comes back. I need to face things but it's so hard. I wish life would end everyday. 

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.  Most of my life could be better if things in it would change (both past and present).  But how do you do that?  Especially when you already feel crippled.  I don't know.  I'm really sorry you feel this way, but I understand.  My favorite moment everyday is when I take my sleep meds and go to bed.  Sucks.  But hey, we all got to hit rock bottom before it can get better, right?  For me, I find faith in hope and sometimes that's enough to keep me around and going even when I don't want to.  Try to believe in yourself even when you don't.  It's hard, but it helps when you can mentally get there.  In any case, please hang in there and I hope all goes well.

The right antidepressants will keep you off rock bottom so you can sort things out- but the wrong one...  holy hell hole batman!
I am on a mild one at the moment- my doctor cycled me through several until we found a good match- however- years ago I was misdiagnosed with social anxiety disorder and given a nasty (now banned) one.  The side effects where hellish.

I am sorry that I went on about myself. What I meant to say is that the meds do work if you get the right one. And not make you feel numb but just better. Then don't do what I'm doing and face coming out once you feel better from the meds. I should listen to myself. My therapist told me the meds help level you out in order to phase your challenge but I couldn't face it each time and wound up on a higher dose. Please don't do what I'm doing!  I'm sorry if I went on about myself.

LTL sometimes they work and sometimes they don't.  I can say from past experience with both myself and more than 20 years of nursing that if someone is at rock bottom they need a hand up.  If therapy is not enough I am begging you to try the medications.  See the psychiatrist and at least listen to the rationale for the medications.  If you had an infection you would take an antibiotic.  Depression is a medical illness that is centered in the mind.  If you can find the right medication you can have amazing results.  Give it a try and if you feel numb let the doctor know and have it changed.  There are so many new options out there that you owe it to yourself to try.  Huge hugs from me and I hope things work out.

Quote from: Melanie CT on May 14, 2014, 04:10:08 PM
I am sorry that I went on about myself. What I meant to say is that the meds do work if you get the right one. And not make you feel numb but just better. Then don't do what I'm doing and face coming out once you feel better from the meds. I should listen to myself. My therapist told me the meds help level you out in order to phase your challenge but I couldn't face it each time and wound up on a higher dose. Please don't do what I'm doing!  I'm sorry if I went on about myself.

Melanine, don't worry.  This is an interactive forum.  You and anyone else is just as welcome to share your story here.  And for what it's worth, I totally understand where you are coming from.  I've come out to a lot of people and am transitioning (been on hrt for a few months) but the next step has been too hard.  I'm just not mentally prepared to go fulltime, but dying on the inside to make the changes to my life that I need to make.  So, I can relate.  Don't beat yourself up.  You can make it through just like anyone else can that puts there mind to it.  It's just..... well, really hard and scary, especially when you have severe anxiety and depression on top of it.  But hey, you and I can see this through at some point.  A little faith helps us get through the bad times.

Quote from: Christinetobe on May 14, 2014, 05:06:07 PM
LTL sometimes they work and sometimes they don't.  I can say from past experience with both myself and more than 20 years of nursing that if someone is at rock bottom they need a hand up.  If therapy is not enough I am begging you to try the medications.  See the psychiatrist and at least listen to the rationale for the medications.  If you had an infection you would take an antibiotic.  Depression is a medical illness that is centered in the mind.  If you can find the right medication you can have amazing results.  Give it a try and if you feel numb let the doctor know and have it changed.  There are so many new options out there that you owe it to yourself to try.  Huge hugs from me and I hope things work out.

It's good to hear that it can have amazing results.  I'm really considering doing it, but still on the fence.  My depression is having it's ups and downs but it's going down.  I think I'm just emotionally readjusting to some things.  I want to see how I continue to do in the next week or so.  But if it doesn't improve despite my attempts to get it under control, I will call the psychiatrist and go through with it. 

Quote from: Emmaline on May 14, 2014, 09:18:59 AM
The right antidepressants will keep you off rock bottom so you can sort things out- but the wrong one...  holy hell hole batman!
I am on a mild one at the moment- my doctor cycled me through several until we found a good match- however- years ago I was misdiagnosed with social anxiety disorder and given a nasty (now banned) one.  The side effects where hellish.

I'm sorry you went through that.  I can relate though.  In total, I took lexapro, paxil and then cymbalta (except for maybe the last, none did much to help me).  Paxil was my hellish one.  For whatever reason, it increased my anxiety in a bad way.  That's why I'm so skepitical about these meds and cautious about going through the process again.  Xanax was the only thing that helped, and I'm not interested in being dependent on a benzo.  Don't need any potential addiction and dependency issues in my life.

I've been on and of meds for MDD and anxiety since I was 16. How many and which ones, I don't even remember now. I was on at least 10-15 different ones since last year. Currently, I'm not anything, but I'm not going to be surprised if that changes once I start my transition.

Hi thanks for your kind words. It really helps!  I have my ups and downs and sometimes more downs but I'll get through this at some point like you said

Quote from: Melanie CT on May 14, 2014, 07:51:30 PM
Hi thanks for your kind words. It really helps!  I have my ups and downs and sometimes more downs but I'll get through this at some point like you said

I'm glad you are feeling better.  Remember, you are always welcome to share your thoughts on here.  As you can see from my post count, lol, this site has been an invaluable support system for me.  I may be stuck in a rut at times, but it helps me cope while I prepare to make more progress.  So, please feel free to share both the good and bad. 

Quote from: Daydreamer on May 14, 2014, 07:50:37 PM
I've been on and of meds for MDD and anxiety since I was 16. How many and which ones, I don't even remember now. I was on at least 10-15 different ones since last year. Currently, I'm not anything, but I'm not going to be surprised if that changes once I start my transition.

Thank you for sharing and I hope your transition will go smoothly enough that it won't require meds.

This thread has actually helped me feel less social stigma about my depression and anxiety.  I often keep that stuff to myself, but it's nice to know that I'm not really alone in these feeling and comforting to see that other's have found a way to get better.  That alone makes me feel a bit better and less isolated.  Thanks everyone.

Before I got even a low dose of E, I was a complete disaster and borderline suicidal.  The psych I was referred to could see me weeks before the endo so I got Lexapro and Klonopin, then Buspar to counteract some of the side effects of Lexapro, then Valium because I thought Klonopin was making me into too much of a zombie.  Those things kept me going for sure until I got the E.  After I got my full HRT dosage, I felt I no longer needed those other things, so I tapered off.  First I halved my dose of Lexapro for 10 days, then halved it again for another week.  The next week without it was a little hairy, but the sh*tstorm in my head subsided to where it was tolerable thereafter.  I waited another week and did the same thing with the Buspar.  I was no longer abnormally anxious or depressed, and the E was doing its thing all by itself.

I am not taking anything right now other than HRT and a multivitamin.

Quote from: Jill F on May 15, 2014, 12:44:05 AM
Before I got even a low dose of E, I was a complete disaster and borderline suicidal.  The psych I was referred to could see me weeks before the endo so I got Lexapro and Klonopin, then Buspar to counteract some of the side effects of Lexapro, then Valium because I thought Klonopin was making me into too much of a zombie.  Those things kept me going for sure until I got the E.  After I got my full HRT dosage, I felt I no longer needed those other things, so I tapered off.  First I halved my dose of Lexapro for 10 days, then halved it again for another week.  The next week without it was a little hairy, but the sh*tstorm in my head subsided to where it was tolerable thereafter.  I waited another week and did the same thing with the Buspar.  I was no longer abnormally anxious or depressed, and the E was doing its thing all by itself.

I am not taking anything right now other than HRT and a multivitamin.

That's great to hear.  It seems like hormones alone helps many of us get through depression and anxiety issues.  And it's never a good feeling to be on too many meds.  For me, hormones didn't really have mental effects, so I probably will require something else should I decide to go down this route.  I wish hrt did a little more mentally (for anxiety and depression) than it did in the end. 

Prior to HRT, I should probably have been medicated for depression, but due to some issues in than past, refused. For the most part, the issue was no relief from depression, just a bunch of side effects.  Within a few weeks of starting hormones, I found my depression had faded away - which is why I 'joke' that hormones are the best anti-depressing I've ever used.