this is stupid.

I'm just in a major low. it's old stuff and I won't get into it all, but it's all up on the surface. I feel like I should be over the lousy stuff I grew up with. I feel like I shouldn't let it get to me anymore. And my PTSD is up and I got a manipulative email from my brother and I've been sick and blah blah blah whine whine whine.

And today I meet with HR to talk about my transition and I don't feel like I can deal. I don't feel like I can deal with a normal day of work and I just want to cancel the meeting. And all this negativity makes they dysphoria worse. I feel like I meet with HR they are going to be thinking, "who is the stupid girl? she will never look like a guy"

whine whine whine this is a stupid post.

You're not stupid for having struggles and concerns.  It's a big deal to come out to your employer, so it's totally normal to be a little nervous, but I'm hoping all of it goes better than you fear.

And I understand, in my own way, about being haunted by the past and having family issues.  Look, our early lives have a profound impact on us and our development.  If things were hard, it's okay to acknowledge that and it will take time to to heal.  Don't beat yourself up while you work through it.   And I should note, that I'm really sorry to hear that this stuff is still, understandably, impacting you.  I hope one day it will all be distant memories and. or will no longer plague you.  In the meantime, don't get upset with yourself for this stuff.

Quote from: christopher on May 12, 2014, 09:35:25 AM
this is stupid.

No it is not. You have something bothering you and we are a support site. I now first hand how bad PTSD can be. I am luckier than most because HRT has decreased my symptoms and flashbacks to almost zero. I remember the days when it peaked though and they were not pleasant at all. We have all had days where we wished we had never heard of Gender Dysphoria or even anything close to being trans. You do have to find a way to distract yourself from it. I do 6 mile daily walks where I do nothing but look, listen and smell. If that doesn't work it is time to see a doctor about medication possibilities, but only as a last resort. Don't torture yourself about deciding to transition one day and not the next. It is a vicious cycle that compounds the issue.

Thank you both. I was sort of almost hoping no one would have replied and I could delete it and pretend I was fine. But after reading your replies I'm glad I didn't get a chance to delete.

I've been doing better with the PTSD but Mother's Day and some things around my transition triggered me. And then I got an email from my brother.

And the meeting with the HR was rescheduled. The person who knows about these issues was out sick. That was a relief.

Jessica, I am on meds. They help. You are right about distraction. It helps a lot. I'm about to head outside with my dog. It's probably going to be short though. I'm thinking my cold has turned into a secondary infection. I get a couple bad sinus infections a year and this is beginning to feel like that.

meh, it sure feels like I'm whining.

*BIG BEAR HUG* Sorry I am bad with words.

Doing things DOES help. I left a frantic message for my therapist about a week and a half ago--I was so overextended that I thought I would crack if I didn't deal with my stress.

Well, the only way I dealt with my stress was to keep getting things done. And guess what? I am not out of the woods yet, but I'm out from under that particular mountain of work, and things are a bit lighter this week. I'll be going crazy again in another few days, but that's why I'm doing as much as I can today.

The trouble is, when I'm really depressed, I don't get much done.

You're going to be all right, Christopher. One step at a time. Keep on going.

That's part of the problem. I'm sick and getting sicker so at times like now I'm just sitting on my butt. My hand (got injured 3 months ago today) is a lot better but not normal so I can't draw for long. I am not having the energy to take the dog on decent walks so he's all hyper. I am not doing much once I make it through work so chores are starting to pile up.

I finally gave in and went to the doctor and got some meds so hopefully I can get this sinus infection under control. Of course at the doctor I still have my stupid female name. And I can't change that because that's what's on my insurance. And I can't change that because I have to change it at work first. And I can't change that because I was an army brat and born in a different country and so I need a birth certificate. And I don't have one. And I can't just ask my dad for it because that would mean talking to the creep and he would love to have some way to get back in my life and get his creepy ass hands on my body and I'm not doing it. So I've had to go through a process with germany to get a new birth certificate and who knows how long that will take.

And I feel like such a freaking whiner going on about all this. You guys are being awesome and supportive and I feel like I should shut up and take all your great advice and get over myself.

I know how you feel. Getting started seems to take forever, but once you do it is like being on a roller coaster going down the alps on icy tracks with no breaks. You will get there, just have some patience. I know it is hard to have, but transition is not fast at first for anyone.