I have been doing some very hard thinking lately. Anyone who is familiar with me knows I have a very strong aversion to being out, because of some bad experiences I've had over the years. But I've come to realize a hard truth, which is that 100% stealth is probably not possible in my case. My family has told people about me. Someone could do a background check if they were determined enough to find out. And some people may just assume.

At some point, I will have to accept my limitations, and my reality, if I want to be mentally healthy. I realized that I don't really care if people know, as long as they don't treat me differently than they would treat any other man, or say or do something that reminds me of a body that caused me so much pain. But I am not comfortable with it being brought up in discussion. Like a number of times I've never told someone personally that I am trans, but someone else told them, and they would come up to me and talk about "the transition" as if they were talking about the fact I was wearing a red sweater. I am a very private person. Even if I wasn't transgender, I am extremely private with my feelings and experiences, only sharing with a few select people. I only open up here because only a few people have seen my face. That is my policy and I don't want anyone nosing around in ANY of my business, or speculating on me, unless I give them permission.

So the question is...how am I going to find a healthy balance here? I don't want to live my life paranoid about being outed. As of now, I am becoming angry and withdrawn, because I don't want to get close to anyone lest they look at my face a little too long and wonder if I'm "really a woman." I don't want anyone to hug me, in case they feel my chest. I don't want anyone to love me, lest they want sex.  I also get legitimately upset, for days, when I see something trans-related in a place I don't expect to find it (website, TV show, etc). That's not OK, normal, or mentally healthy. But at the same time, I don't want to tell people, like just tell them I'm trans if they don't even say anything, because again, that violates my own feelings about sharing personal information with others.

Time, I think, will ultimately resolve most of this problem. I'm not comfortable in my body because of the parts that haven't been operated on, and I imagine that when I see a male body, it will be less of an issue. As of now, I'm thinking that I will have to simply demand the respect of others, and make my wishes for privacy very clear.

Has anyone dealt with similar feelings? Any suggestions as to how I can overcome this stage of my transition so I can move to a happier place?

I should add that I am someone who really struggles with ambiguity, too. Just in general. I struggle a lot mentally with not knowing if people know or not - I wonder, has someone told them? Will it colour their perception of certain comments I may make? It's the same reason that I pay a lot of attention to how people gender me, and I am very bothered if I don't know for certain they see me as male. It's not entirely logical, or again, healthy, but I like to know things straight up and struggle when I don't know what's going on in people's heads.

I went through my entire first attempt at transition worried about who would know and who wouldn't. Considered leaving my job even though my rights to employment there would have been covered, all because I didn't want to work with people who "knew".

This time, everyone at work knows. I realised it wasn't going to be possible to hide from it unless I not only changed jobs but also changed sectors. So far I've had nothing but respect from everyone - to my face anyway. What people really think and what they say behind my back is beyond my control anyway. The vast majority of them are very decent people so here's hoping. Even when new people start at my place of employment I expect they'll soon find out I'm trans even if I don't tell them - my old name is over so many printed documents there's not much I can do about it. With time that may change into a total non-issue. For me I guess I trust I will be treated with respect within that environment - not just my place of employment but the wider sector that encompasses it. If I'm not there will be hell to pay for anyone who steps over the line, and it won't be coming from just me!

Beyond that, I'd prefer to be as stealth as i can get away with.

You're right: time does help resolve the problem. I'm certainly a lot less keyed-up about what other people think about me since the T kicked in and I've had top surgery. But I have to say, I don't believe there is such thing as being 100% stealth for me. And I also believe that this is true for many of us.

Your family will always know about your history, and sadly, so do the people they've told. As will some of the people you grew up with, or who knew you pre-transition. That can't be helped. All you can do is accept this fact, and you can (and absolutely should) insist that those people respect your privacy, and impress upon them that it is a privilege to know a trans*person, not a titillating subject for them to gossip about.

But you can control (to a certain extent) what new people know about you. There are plenty of instances in which nobody needs to be told anything: this is especially true for casual encounters, such as when you go shopping. In those moments I'm 100% stealth, and this gives me a great deal of comfort.

So I think of it as being 'as stealth as possible'. I think of my interpersonal interactions as being in two different zones: my inner zone in which selected people know my history; and my outer zone in which I'm 100% stealth. I spend as much time in my inner zone as I must, and as much time in my outer zone as I can.

I hate that anyone knows my history at all, but that cat is out of the bag so I just have to accept it. I simply present myself to the world as me, and sod anyone who doesn't like it. 

My life situation also prevents me from being 0% disclosure, although I wonder how many truly have that option, and if it's even worth it. To not disclose to anyone, and have absolutely no one know, it would mean cutting all ties with any pre-transition romantic relationship, friends, family, moving a fair distance away, switching banks, switching insurance companies once - if - you can get the gender marker changed on absolutely everything, etc.

People who know do treat me differently. I don't like it. Maybe it will always chafe me. But, it helps me to look at it this way: a lot of conditions are poorly understood by some people. Many people out there still think someone is "just being lazy" if they have depression, or ADHD. Or think hoarders are simply "slobs". Or think people with PTSD need to "just get over it". Or think someone with compulsive overeating needs to just "use more willpower", or someone with anorexia needs to "just eat a burger". Anyone who thinks trans men and trans women aren't "real" men/women is uninformed/ignorant in much the same fashion, their opinion doesn't change reality (funny in a black humor sort of way, though, these folks would say the same about me "thinking" I'm a man due to a more simplistic concept of biology).

I've changed my attitude on all this recently. When I first started passing, I became sort of semi-stealth. I wouldn't tell anyone, and no one would know unless they were told or clocked me. I assumed people didn't know unless they said otherwise. If the conversation turned to trans people, I always said "they" instead of "we".

When I got to be close friends with someone, I would come out to them and invite them to ask me anything about transition (I'm very open about that. I see my role as a trans educator is one of educating people about my condition. No one else will do it...)

Electrolysis has changed that. They're working on parts of my face that can't easily be hidden by scarves, so everyone can tell I have stubble. That usually outs me, so I assume people know.

It's made me a LOT more chill. I actually like this better. I don't find myself wondering about it the way I used to. I still come out to people, but it's kind of less of an emotional moment, since it's no longer a surprise.