I told my folks about my intention to transition about three days before I went full time. At the time they said they were accepting and supportive. My mother has, despite some initial reservations, been really great at living up to this. My father has been struggling. I did invite them both to meet me as Grace but only my mother took me up on the offer. Probably for the best, the two of us had some great mother daughter time together. So yeah, my dad. I've been told he "can't see the point" in what I'm doing and didn't want to meet me as Grace. I understand he's dealing with it in his own way and at least he's still actually willing to talk to me. I've been expected to arrange our meeting though, and to be honest it hasn't been something I was looking forward to (the arranging part as much as the meeting part). At first I was just going to send him an email that said, pretty much, "when and where?" Anyway, I ended up putting down a bit more than that. If you'll excuse my indulgence I'd like to share it with you...
Hi Dad
Mum said you'd like to talk with me about the changes that I am going through, and that you would prefer to meet me as S#. Personally, I find that disappointing but I also appreciate this is a major issue for me and for you, so I am willing to meet up in "guy mode".
The last six weeks have been going very well. People at work have been treating me wonderfully and with a lot of respect. The same with people who I've had to deal with through my job - in the first week we even had a major event with at least 100 guests and anyone who knew was nothing but complimentary. I haven't yet had any problem or weirdness from any single person when I've been out in public - trains, buses, cafes, restaurants, bars, shops, cinemas, etc, etc - no issues. Hopefully that continues and I mention it only to give you a sense that I do actually present passably as a woman.
I imagine though that how well I might "pass" is probably not your central concern; that it's more along the lines of why I would even want to pursue this drastic and seemingly incomprehensible course in my life. What is the point to it? Why and how could taking estrogen and anti-testosterone medication, having my beard painfully removed, living, dressing and being treated as a woman make things better for me, make me feel better about my life and myself? All I can say is that I don't really understand myself - but it does. It absolutely does. As I told you and mum in April, I was close to the end of my line at the start of last year, while I wasn't quite ready to do myself in I was certainly hoping a random runaway bus would do the honours. My gender issues have been with me my entire life. Having to be a boy, be a man - act as one, do what was expected of one, live up to those expectations - has never been something I've been comfortable with, has frequently left me miserable, isolated and afraid. Regardless of the physical body I was born with and the social expectations that are placed on top of that I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. However, my decision to transition my gender to female has not been taken lightly.
You may remember I said I had tried to do this back in 1989-91 and that the attempt came very close to reality; it didn't for a number of complex reasons. One of those was an abject terror at how my family would respond. I love you and mum, J#, D# and N# - and the fear of anger and/or rejection was too much for me to cope with on top of everything else. My family was, and remains, important to me. So I was the good child, the selfless "son" and put aside what I wanted more than anything else in the world, all so that I wouldn't upset anyone - and I just buckled under. I tried plenty of things to help dissuade me from the notion of being the wrong gender, buried myself in sometimes pointless projects and my work and other pursuits - sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. As you would know I've never had much luck with relationships, I don't consider that to be the cause of my gender issues, but rather has been caused by it. I've always been able to form wonderful friendships with women, just not close sexual ones - and it's not from want of trying, somehow they always work out I'm not the "guy" for them, and that's because I'm not a guy at all and I can't pretend to be either. And it's not because I'm gay, I have no sexual interest in men. So, despite 20 plus years of denying I had a gender issue I ultimately ended up in exactly the same place as I had been as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult - and it was not a happy place. I knew what needed to be done - but my fear, hopelessness and denial had kept me from reconsidering it it as a possibility - that is, change my gender presentation.
My decision, my choice, has been taken only after a lot of soul searching and dealing with mental health professionals. I knew the risks - socially, financially, physically, to family and other relationships - but my pain and discomfort in living my life as a man was so strong I could not and would not suffer it any longer. Something had to be done and I've known the only practical solution for over 25 years, I just haven't had the courage to take that course of action. Until now. And my god, what a difference it has made to my quality of life. I finally feel comfortable with myself for the first time ever, and feel comfortable in relating and working with other people. I actually feel happy, not pretend happy. Other people have noticed it too - that I'm happier, more open, more personable. I am finally learning how to interact with and express a core part of myself, a part that I have had to keep under wraps for most of my life. And it is a seriously wonderful experience! Imagine being stuck in a dark bog for 48 years before slogging your way out into a sunny field; that's what my transition feels like. And no, this is not a "grass is greener on the other side" metaphor - being a woman is often not great, even for women. There is harassment, lower wages, discrimination and the threat of violence. That's just for genetic women, it is potentially worse for trans women like myself. I've been aware of that for a long, long time, it is not some new revelation and yet I knew I still needed to make this change in my life.
I understand if you can't comprehend the rationale or logic behind this. All I can say is that, regardless of how I was born, at my heart I know myself to be female and that pretending to be anything other than that was killing me. That is why I have changed my name to Grace, why I am asking people to refer to me by that name and use "she/her" not "he/him/his". That is why I have chosen to take medication to change my physical body to more closely resemble a female body. That is why I have chosen to live openly as a woman, which includes dressing in women's clothing. It is not part of some weird sexual fetish, it is not cross-dressing, it is not kinky pretend play acting - it is, simply, about living my life as the person I have always felt myself to be. Nothing more, nothing less.
Sorry, I didn't mean to dump all of that into this email but once I started it kind of got away from me.
So yes, that said, I am fine to meet you, this once as S#, not as Grace. I am happy and prepared to hear your feelings and thoughts. Maybe you are disappointed in me, angry at me, hurt by my actions - I am sorry if you feel that way, but I needed to do this for myself. And yes, it was selfish, but it was fundamentally about my survival and my own happiness.
I would love to catch up. I'm on vacation for another week and a half - I can meet you Friday this week or Tuesday, Thursday, Friday next week. When and where? Let me know what suits and we can work it out.
Love
Grace
