On some level I always knew something was off.   At the age of 4 I wanted to wear the things I saw girls wearing and once asked my mother for a one piece swimsuit.  My mom gave me my first of many lectures about "what is appropriate for boys".  I mean, I didn't know the anatomical difference at the time, I just thought boy/girl was some sort of personal preference of your parents or something.  Most of my friends were girls because I didn't like the rough ways boys played and I hated fighting.  Both of my cousins were girls and I always played with their dolls when we went to visit, which obviously bothered my parents.  To compensate, my parents force fed me a regimen of sports and sporting goods.  I had a pretty tough time as a kid trying to fit in and getting relentlessly bullied and ended up developing a range of behavioral problems that, in retrospect, stemmed from my brain/body mismatch and its little friend, ADD.

I ended up actually liking sports (and yes, I sucked mightily at all of them and still basically throw like a girl!), but I also had this thing for butterflies since I was very young.  When I was 12, my father took a trip to Brazil and brought me back this shiny blue mounted butterfly.  I have had that butterfly in my possession continuously since then.   In fact it's the one thing I've held on to the longest.  It's on the wall next to me right now.  The butterfly is my spirit animal, and now I see it as an obvious symbol of who I really am.

The first record I ever bought was Pink Floyd- The Wall.   It's still my favorite, even after 34 years and 2000+ more albums in my collection.  The sad thing was that I failed to recognize my very own wall until it came crumbling down over 30 years later.   

As a teenager I became a big fan of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I saw that movie in the theater over 50 times.  I think I know why now. 

Then there were all the dreams I never wanted to wake up from where I was distinctly female... 

Do any of you feel kind of dense for not seeing some obvious signs?

Quote from: Jill F on May 14, 2014, 10:57:01 AM
Do any of you feel kind of dense for not seeing some obvious signs?

Not dense, angry. I think if I'd understood what transgender was, I would have figured it out easily decades ago.

Based on what I read in the media, I thought trans women felt like "a woman in a man's body." Since I never felt like a woman, I thought my intense desire to become female was just a weird fantasy.

If any of the media reports had mentioned the MANY DIFFERENT WAYS to experience being transgender, I would quickly have figured out the fact that it hurt not having boobs and a female body was a giveaway.

Interestingly I never connected all that with the fact that I've always been fascinated by women's issues, media, and lives. I also never connected either of those two with the fact that I've always preferred the friendship and company of woman.

In fact, I used to envy trans women because they got to live as women while I never would.

It wasn't until I found Susan's Place that I had enough information to put the puzzle pieces together. That's one of the reasons why I try to educate people every chance I get.

Ive been wearing female clothes and make up since i was like 6 years old

"I want to look like that." ".... That's a guy."
Thinking/hoping that I was somehow going to turn out to be at least part boy.
Almost exclusively identifying with male characters.
Stuff like that.

This one hit me a while ago, but I did have some guys I was friends with, but it was never on the guy to guy level really, it finally hit me that I had actual crushes on them like a bunch of the other girls did!! Boy were my eyes popping when that sank in!!

There is quite a list of the number of sports that I was a total klutz at, with coordination that was worth two points a game to the other team!!

I loved girl type crafts as a young child, but I passed that off to the fact that I had an immune system glitch (in the form of allergies) and had to be housebound in fall and spring, and had to have SOMETHING to do.  I also had a difference in play styles with my sister -- I gave her dolls rides in my "mandatory" truck!!  She used my trucks to turn the dolls into crash victims!!  <and then blamed me for hurting her dolls>.  I got the spankings from that cuz I was the boy!!

Crap, I totally forgot about the crocheting and needlepoint when I was a kid.

Of course drunkenly kissing a couple of cishetguy friends in college probably should have set off the red flag warning.

there's was never a time were i thought i was a boy until i hit puberty. i only identified as female even though i'm a sadist. only sport i really like is swimming and when i started to stop swimming becuz of how i looked, it was like a punch in the gut and made me realize i wasnt who i thought i was. its quite upsetting really becuz i love swimming and now i can barely change without a blind fold on

I have a few fun ones.

I snuck into the ladies bathroom of my church when I was about seven. While exiting, my aunt caught me and I quickly came up with the excuse that the male bathroom was full and I really had to go. It was a lie. I was just curious about what in the world was in there. At the time, I didn't see this as odd but looking back I realize this was me 'venturing' into the 'other' world.

Then there are the ones we hear about a lot: dolls, make up, exclusively friends with girls, etc. My mother kept her wedding heels and man did I love wearing those things... in secret, of course. They were just so pretty!

One time I very vividly remember coming down a set of stairs (I was like... 14) and all I could see in my head was a fabulous gown glittering along as I made my grand entrance. While I was still in partial self denial of being trans (I identified as a drag queen at that point in my life), I looked back on this memory as my first desire to perform in drag. I still love performing, but now I look at this memory through a different lens: I see it as my first 'mtf' desire, as opposed to just noncomformance.

I'm done rambling, I promise.

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 14, 2014, 11:12:43 AM

Based on what I read in the media, I thought trans women felt like "a woman in a man's body." Since I never felt like a woman, I thought my intense desire to become female was just a weird fantasy.

I think that is the same reason it took me until this year to identify as trans.

As a kid (after puberty) whenever someone would mention an accident where someone's guy parts were crushed/severed etc and had to be removed I would silently wish that it happened to me so I wouldn't have to have them... That should have been a pretty big sign. (I heard those stories a lot as my mom works in the ER)

Also after puberty I started to wear more and baggier clothing as I matured to hide my male shape. Currently wear men's large when I easily fit in women's small. I consciously knew what I was trying to hide so I don't know why I didn't try to correct anything.

And yeah the sudden drop in interest in swimming post puberty. Preferring my friends to be female, envying them rather than crushing on them. Playing house and kitchen pretend games as a kid when the boys wanted to play sports etc.

I think on some level somethinhg didn't feel right. One christmas I was maybe 3 or 4, probably closer to four and it kind of confused me that the girls got different toys than I did.

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 14, 2014, 11:44:28 AMi only identified as female even though i'm a sadist.

Sadism is more common in males, but can be present in females as well. I'm also not sure how social aspects affect the statistics since there's a good chance the stats only show some and not all.

Let's just say I knew I was different for a very long time. My favorite childhood memory / book was about being a mermaid in a secret lake / mountain. Can't remember the book name but still have the picture in my mind

During puberty I always hoped my body would silently become female - but it didn't happen. I read Caroline cossey autobiography aged 11 or 12. I was watching programs about Ladyboys and transgender... But was also aware of some negative instances in my life and surroundings - and tried to brush it off as "fantasy" or ""this is the body I was born with and I'll try my best to live with it". Tried - succeeded to some extent - but eventually stopped living a lie and became my true self. And am much happier

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 14, 2014, 11:12:43 AM
Based on what I read in the media, I thought trans women felt like "a woman in a man's body." Since I never felt like a woman, I thought my intense desire to become female was just a weird fantasy.

That's exactly how it was for me (except I'm FTM). I thought being trans was feeling like you're trapped in the wrong body, and I never felt like a boy. I often felt like I wanted to be a boy, but mainly I didn't focus on it. I 'knew' that being female means you're a girl, so I 'knew' that, because of the body I had, I was a girl, and I never questioned it. I didn't feel like a girl, but I didn't feel like a boy either. How could I when I've never been a boy before?

The biggest sign for me was that I hated myself. I hated everything about myself and I never had a reason why, I just did. I had a wonderful family, childhood, life...but I hated myself. That could've been general low self-esteem, but I know it's not because I don't hate myself anymore, now that I know who I am.

Quote from: Edge on May 14, 2014, 12:13:39 PM
Sadism is more common in males, but can be present in females as well. I'm also not sure how social aspects affect the statistics since there's a good chance the stats only show some and not all.

i can be submissive to. i do get a thrill out of being manhandled o.o

When I was about 8 or 9, I saw some story on the news about a woman who used to be a man, and there was this surgery involved.  I was like, "Wow, you can do that?"  I was absolutely fascinated with the concept.  After that, every time I saw anything on TV or read an article about a transperson, it was like, "Hello!"

Unfortunately, some of the things I saw on TV about transsexuals were quite damaging to me, and it helped nail my closet door shut for many years.

When I was about 20 or 21, my uber-conservative boss found an episiode of Phil Donahue where the topic was "These people had sex changes only to become lesbians."  To me it wasn't weird at all.  To him it was "These f***ing freaks need to be gang raped and shot.  Can you f***ing believe this?  It's the most f***ed up thing ever.  Here, have a beer, I videotaped the whole thing.  You're never going to believe this."  And I had to watch.

Never mind about Jerry f***ing Springer, the king of transploitation.  Yeah, we're all freaks whether we're pretty or not.  GFY, a*hole.  Then there were the episodes where transpeople supposedly "came out" to their SO's, only to be violently rejected every time.  Yep, another nail in the closet door.

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 14, 2014, 12:33:46 PM
i can be submissive to. i do get a thrill out of being manhandled o.o

Thank you Umiko. I didn't want to go there but I am definately on the submissive side. Just don't kill me, cut me or leave bruises and I'm good to go.

Quote from: Jess42 on May 14, 2014, 12:37:08 PM
Thank you Umiko. I didn't want to go there but I am definately on the submissive side. Just don't kill me, cut me or leave bruises and I'm good to go.

exactly! no harming plz, everything else i'm ok with lol

Quote from: Jill F on May 14, 2014, 12:34:18 PM
When I was about 20 or 21, my uber-conservative boss found an episiode of Phil Donahue where the topic was "These people had sex changes only to become lesbians."  To me it wasn't weird at all.  To him it was "These f***ing freaks need to be gang raped and shot.  Can you f***ing believe this?  It's the most f***ed up thing ever.  Here, have a beer, I videotaped the whole thing.  You're never going to believe this."  And I had to watch.

Sounds to me like that uber conservative boss may have had a little secret and masking it with bravado. Freudian slip when he mentioned gang rape. If he was really that disgusted he would have probably just said shot in the head. He would have probably been the first in line for the rape part. People like that never cease to amaze me and he was probably POed they were lesbians and he would never have a shot with them.

OH and video taping, why? To watch over and over again perhaps. Sorry you had to watch and hear his BS but slips of the tounge are extrememly interesting.

If I'm honest with myself there probably weren't many times before I hit puberty.

There are probably a few events which I could contort and make fit.

My early childhood events have no bearing and don't particularly matter to me.  I feel like I'm trans now, that's what's important to me.

Quote
That's exactly how it was for me (except I'm FTM). I thought being trans was feeling like you're trapped in the wrong body, and I never felt like a boy. I often felt like I wanted to be a boy, but mainly I didn't focus on it. I 'knew' that being female means you're a girl, so I 'knew' that, because of the body I had, I was a girl, and I never questioned it. I didn't feel like a girl, but I didn't feel like a boy either. How could I when I've never been a boy before?

The biggest sign for me was that I hated myself. I hated everything about myself and I never had a reason why, I just did. I had a wonderful family, childhood, life...but I hated myself. That could've been general low self-esteem, but I know it's not because I don't hate myself anymore, now that I know who I am.

Wow Jason, that sounds so eerily recognisable!

For me one of the biggest things would be that I always identified with and choose male characters without second thought. I never sought anything behind it, I didn't think about it, it just FELT GOOD.
For the rest I was also a massive tomboy and I behaved more like a boy than a girl, but this could also be an early sign of lesbianism, or just disappear later on. (it wasn't, but anyway)
Also when I would write stories, or create characters (my own) it would always be males without a thought. I found it hard to interact with females, unless they were very tomboyish and behaved like boys.