Brace for some messed up ranting!

This is really messing with my head right now. I seem to slip back in and out of these periods where "I'm a man. This is the hand you've been dealt so deal with it" (which leads to feelings of insecurity and trying to overcompensate or "man-out" the fact that I ever questioned my gender) and then back to "I can't carry on like this, this is real. Do something about it now before it's too late" (which leads to a whole load of fear and anxiety, like there's a ticking clock in my ears). I got triggered real bad a few days ago by something completely innocent, and this time I lasted the whole of maybe 3 weeks before my mind went back to constantly being pre-occupied questioning my gender and this has been a continuous cycle for about 4 years now since I turned 18 and got an understanding of what gender identity disorder really is. 

Which is also a problem, I'm constantly stuck on the question of whether this is just a strange fascination or a real problem (though the fact that these crippling periods literally stop my life in its tracks sort of warrants more attention than just dismissal as a fascination I guess). I don't seem to fit in to the common story of knowing from the age of around 4. To be honest, my whole childhood is really hard to remember at all, all I know is that I've never been happy despite having a great family. I can pull out certain events that make me think "Maybe that was a symptom" but then I always seem to accuse myself of fabricating it and making it up.

The androgynous/genderqueer route isn't for me, I can say that with 100% certainty. I really really just want somebody else to tell me with 100% certainty that I'm not transgender and for me to believe it and be able to carry on without all of this. When I feel strong enough to "get over it" I always say to myself "if I ever feel like that again, I'll do something" and then I end up doing the same thing over and over and over. I'm getting literally nowhere, but I'm too scared to follow my heart. I'm almost certain I'm going to look for a therapist, but my healthcare provider (NHS) scares me even more since there's an abundance of horror stories about (lack of) treatment for transgender care.

The only thing I know right now is that I need this resolved, but I'll probably just end up falling back into this horrid cycle. It's going to take some strength to break it.

Izla

Your ranting is certainly not that messed up or unusual for many of us at Susans.   Your decision to meet with a gender therapist is a good one.  This is a necessary step in helping you deal with this dysphoria.

From there you will be given tools, therapies and options to investigate and to try.

For many of us we found considerable relief from realising that we aren't messed up.  We just experience dysphoria and it can be successfully addressed. Don't jump to conclusions as every person and every experience differs.  Having taken the first step I recommend that you focus on the journey rather than on what may or may not happen.

I wish you well.  I am in a much better place and have a far richer life than I had prior to starting my journey.  Come back and share your experience, questions, concerns, fears and successs.  It is beneficial for you and for us

Safe travels

Aisla

Agreed, a lot if that is what I have gone through and continue to go through. Your definetly not alone here.  I'll second what Aisla said, a gender therapist would help you to sort through all the feelings. 

What's messed up is that society is so cis centric that it offers only two concrete options - male and female; and that those options are assigned and reinforced from the moment we pop out into the world, that we are given no say in the matter based on what's between our legs. I understand for the majority if people that's probably fine and dandy - born with a particular set of genitals, happy to be the gender that applies to those genitals. For the rest of us though it's like putting a star shaped peg into a square or round hole. Just won't fit, and any attempt to do so hurts in a way the square and round pegs out there simply can't understand. 

So yeah, good to be talking to someone about it. The important thing is to find your own truth about who you are. Sure it might not fit with the rest of society but that doesn't make you the one who is wrong.

Im with the nhs. I was 25 by the time i was able to come to terms with this problemb. your cycle of emotions and denile are very similer to mine.

I can tell you unless you speek to someone it will only get worse. you might think its gone but each time it comes back and a whole lot harder.

The nhs just in my area sees 160 patients each year. thats impressive.
See your doctor tell them how you feel. push the isseu if they seem dismisive. you will first go through a psych screening for your own safety, then you will be reffered to the Gender identity service.

you might have to wait a year, there are a lot of us. but use that time to talk to the people you love about what your goimg through.

making that first step is the hardest but it DOES provide a lot of relief. Trust me the horror stories dont tell the whole story. i mean who kicks up a stink about sucess? who complains about adaquate treatment?

make that first step and relax.

Thanks all, it's always reassuring to just hear you're not alone. The most frustrating thing of all is just not fitting neatly into any box right now.

I do tend to feel some sort of "rightness" (?) when I'm willing to accept the idea I may be transgender, kind of like I've found the answer to a long pondered question. But the reversion back to thinking "no, just forget it" scares me solely because I ask myself, "What happens if you finally come out and then revert back to that? There's no going back inside that closet" but at the same time I sort of feel like once I've mustered the courage to come out I won't be so insecure that I feel the need to revert back. I hate doubting myself over something so important.

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 15, 2014, 07:16:27 PM
who kicks up a stink about sucess? who complains about adaquate treatment?

Really good point. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm hunting for stories that will confirm the nightmare scenarios played over my head in an attempt to scare myself out of ever trying.

Thanks again all.

Quote from: Izla on May 18, 2014, 08:44:51 PM
Thanks all, it's always reassuring to just hear you're not alone. The most frustrating thing of all is just not fitting neatly into any box right now.

I do tend to feel some sort of "rightness" (?) when I'm willing to accept the idea I may be transgender, kind of like I've found the answer to a long pondered question. But the reversion back to thinking "no, just forget it" scares me solely because I ask myself, "What happens if you finally come out and then revert back to that? There's no going back inside that closet" but at the same time I sort of feel like once I've mustered the courage to come out I won't be so insecure that I feel the need to revert back. I hate doubting myself over something so important

Izla

I think that you may be rushing this.  Take your time.  Finding your way and understanding your truth is a process.  In some ways overthinking this is a problem.  This isn't so much an issue for the head as it is an issue for the heart, spirit and soul.

Seeing a therapist, taking the first steps, does not commit you to a certain outcome.  Likewise you decide when and who you tell of your nature.  Keeping it fairly close until you know and accept yourself will avoid prematurely involving your entire network of family and friends.  Quite frankly it isn't an issue if you choose to travel a while, explore a little, stay for a while then resume or even reverse your direction.  This is what life is about and your narrative is the one which only should create and own.

Safe travels

Aisla