Last night I got into a heated exchange with my wife and I slipped up that I'm set on transitioning. Now she wants out of the marriage to save her self from associating with a "sodomite" like me... She pulled all the pictures off the wall and couldn't stop crying. I was going to leave to get a place to stay for the night but I couldn't leave her alone for fear she would hurt herself. She constantly asked why I married her and kept saying that we were supposed to grow old together and have kids... Of course I want those things with her as well but she can't throw away her "morals" to be with another woman. I'm now getting ready to brace myself financially. This is happening a year too soon.


This is it... The end of my marriage and she blames me for everything...

I am sorry to hear this. I have been there as well. If you need to talk you know where to find me.

Two messages, dear.

First, hugs. I've been there. It's painful and scary and very very hard. The best I can offer you is that we're all here for you. A lot of us have been through it and come out the other end stronger and happier, but it's been a long road. I can make you one promise. You DO have the strength to get through this.

Second, and this is VERY IMPORTANT: (1) If you have any financial assets at all, SEE A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY. You can bet that she has. (2) If you are part owner of your house or your name is on the lease, DO NOT MOVE OUT. You have a right to be there as much as she does. If you move out, you'll end up paying for a place that you can't live in.

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 16, 2014, 08:14:02 AM
Two messages, dear.

First, hugs. I've been there. It's painful and scary and very very hard. The best I can offer you is that we're all here for you. A lot of us have been through it and come out the other end stronger and happier, but it's been a long road. I can make you one promise. You DO have the strength to get through this.

Second, and this is VERY IMPORTANT: (1) If you have any financial assets at all, SEE A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY. You can bet that she has. (2) If you are part owner of your house or your name is on the lease, DO NOT MOVE OUT. You have a right to be there as much as she does. If you move out, you'll end up paying for a place that you can't live in.

^^^
this

I am sorry; i'm heading down this road too. It sucks.

You didn't do anything wrong dear. You are who you are and you and your wife have simply gotten to a fork in the road. I know it hurts like the dickens, but you choices are to A) keep living the lie, or B) be your authentic self. I couldn't do A because I was drinking myself to death to cope with it so B was my only option. Something similar may be true for you too 

Like Suzi said - if you have assets tread carefully - a simple misstep now could cost you dearly later on. Lawyer up and follow their advice - don't try to do this alone.

We are always here if you need support/advice, or you simply need to vent.

~Eva

In my openion first of all you both remain separate for one week and think it about one week,  if you both can not live togather, you both must separat now. because from tomorow breakup you break now

I know I need to continue transition, its that or death for me. It just hurts to be loosing someone so dear but she doesn't want me to be around if I transition. I respect her decision. It's just very lonely here with no support but online. This site is the only thing keeping me sane. My brothers know but they can never truly understand me. I finally left the house I had to out myself to her mom to get her mom to leave work to be by her side.

I feel your pain, and I am so sorry. I also feel your wife's pain. Gender dysphoria  can be so destructive. It has been eating away at us for so long, and it harms those whom we love.

Sadly, apart from the heated exchange, your wife's response is both typical and understandable. In a marriage relationship that is presumed to be based on honesty, self-sacrifice and trust, coming out reveals a secret kept from from the very beginning of our relationship, transitioning that began without her knowledge, and calls into question whether we have ever been truthful – what else have we been hiding?

For me it was important to put myself in the place of loved ones who were very hurt by my transitioning. At an appropriate time, I was able to say that I understood their pain and that I was naive in thinking that I could change the inner me, and that I never intended to live a lie or be hurtful.

An honest and typical response from your wife.    For someone who wasn't expecting something like that its going to be incredibly difficult.  Like other people have said, lawyer up and get your ducks in a row.   At such an early stage though, it might be premature to think that your marriage is ending for sure.  Prepare for the worst and strive for the best. *~*BiG-HuGs*~*  Hang in there and get yourself to a therapist or other professional to help you through this.

Sorry you have to be going through this Naomi. The situation is pretty par for the course for many of us who chose to get married. It hurts to lose the one closest to you, your partner and best friend. And then being villainised for destroying her life doesn't help much either. Just remember you didn't choose to be this way. You are only doing what you need to do in order to survive.

Hang in there.

*hugs*

Quote from: Annie Maier on May 16, 2014, 09:46:32 AM
I feel your pain, and I am so sorry. I also feel your wife's pain. Gender dysphoria  can be so destructive. It has been eating away at us for so long, and it harms those whom we love.

Sadly, apart from the heated exchange, your wife's response is both typical and understandable. In a marriage relationship that is presumed to be based on honesty, self-sacrifice and trust, coming out reveals a secret kept from from the very beginning of our relationship, transitioning that began without her knowledge, and calls into question whether we have ever been truthful – what else have we been hiding?

For me it was important to put myself in the place of loved ones who were very hurt by my transitioning. At an appropriate time, I was able to say that I understood their pain and that I was naive in thinking that I could change the inner me, and that I never intended to live a lie or be hurtful.

So well said. When you marry someone you've signed into a spiritual, emotional and lifelong contract. One based on mutual honesty and full disclosure, you each knew what and who you where getting.

For her that contract was broken.

I don't understand how anyone can blame her. To do otherwise is plain selfishness IMO.

Remember, put yourself in her shoes.

Quote from: Evelyn K on May 16, 2014, 05:02:27 PM
So well said. When you marry someone you've signed into a spiritual, emotional and lifelong contract. One based on mutual honesty and full disclosure, you each knew what and who you where getting.

For her that contract was broken.

I don't understand how anyone can blame her. To do otherwise is plain selfishness IMO.

Remember, put yourself in her shoes.

I don't think anyone here is blaming the wife. Mostly just trying to comfort Naomi through this hard time she's going through. I also don't think blame can easily be placed on one partner or the other in this situation, especially when we don't know all the struggles those two have gone through together. Your point about putting herself in her wife's shoes is right though, empathy is the first step towards having any kind of positive relationship with each other after all the dust settles.

I wonder why she would think you're a sodomite? Even if you're attracted to men as a woman that wouldn't necessarily follow.

Anyway, first reactions are not always the end of the story. I'm sorry it's been a volcanic start to this for you but things might calm down a bit. Maybe - hopefully - there's a chance for a calm and rational discussion. You said you wanted to grow old and have children with her too. Does she know that? Does she know how that is possible.

A lot of spouses can react this way because they may love their significant other, but a lot of that also has its roots in hetro-cis attraction. She loves you because, to her, you present as male and she likes/is attracted to men. She might love certain women in her life, but only in a sisterly way, she would probably never contemplate marrying or being sexually intimate a woman. And yet that's the potential outcome of your transition. That's a lot for any cis-hetro person to sort through even if they love their spouse.

Hopefully the two of you can work things out.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 16, 2014, 08:57:31 PM
I wonder why she would think you're a sodomite? Even if you're attracted to men as a woman that wouldn't necessarily follow.

Well, if she's at all conservative and traditional, she won't/can't see it that way.  She'll see "him" as male, no matter what and gender him that way.

Quote
That's a lot for any cis-hetro person to sort through even if they love their spouse.

Some people can't make that leap...   and that's all I'm gonna say.  Already had one post nuked from this thread. 

I'm sorry, I feel for you, I really do.  When I came out to my wife, she decided to call it quits (before transition ever came up) and initiated a divorce.  We have a child, the money really means nothing trust me.  I am coming to some sort of terms with this arrangement even though I am losing more than I can possibly ever bear, but to be honest, since we separated I have begun transition and am somehow happier than I ever was before all of this heartache and loss.  It gets better, everyone told me so, and well, they where right.  Know that she doesnt really blame you for everything (even if she claims too).  The end of a marriage isnt the end of your life, or rather it is the end of a life that likely wasnt for you anyway (speaking for/to myself hear a bit), so its ok to be hurt (and frankly you both should be a little hurt), but always remember this too shall pass.  You can have a beautiful life that is great for you, if she doesnt want to be there for that its ok.

Quote from: Alaia on May 16, 2014, 08:45:21 PM
I don't think anyone here is blaming the wife. Mostly just trying to comfort Naomi through this hard time she's going through. I also don't think blame can easily be placed on one partner or the other in this situation, especially when we don't know all the struggles those two have gone through together. Your point about putting herself in her wife's shoes is right though, empathy is the first step towards having any kind of positive relationship with each other after all the dust settles.

I guess it's sort of a catch 22. I can equally sympathize with the wife. What she's being forced to go through, her own dreams dashed and having to start over.

I am heartbroken when I read these stories!

Oh yeah, I highly support what Grace said ( I love you Grace), I just responded from where I am at the very end of the marriage, we are getting divorced on monday and are still friends even if she can't bring herself to be my lover.  It might very well work out, but if it doesn't it will work out alright that way too.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 16, 2014, 08:57:31 PM

Anyway, first reactions are not always the end of the story. I'm sorry it's been a volcanic start to this for you but things might calm down a bit. Maybe - hopefully - there's a chance for a calm and rational discussion. You said you wanted to grow old and have children with her too. Does she know that? Does she know how that is possible.

A lot of spouses can react this way because they may love their significant other, but a lot of that also has its roots in hetro-cis attraction. She loves you because, to her, you present as male and she likes/is attracted to men. She might love certain women in her life, but only in a sisterly way, she would probably never contemplate marrying or being sexually intimate a woman. And yet that's the potential outcome of your transition. That's a lot for any cis-hetro person to sort through even if they love their spouse.

Hopefully the two of you can work things out.

Took the words right out of my mouth, Grace.

Naomi, where you are right now is where I was roughly a month ago. So many similarities- the pictures came off the wall and everything.

But an initial reaction is not the same as an ultimate response. You know her much better than anyone, so you know better than anyone if she will calm down. Keep in mind that love is incredibly difficult to walk away from, so I imagine there to be a war raging in her head right now. Essentially, by pursuing your identity, you're taking a big part of hers away. The cement hasn't yet dried on this situation, though. It's possible that there's still a chance to preserve some kind of relationship.

As for me, I'm back in my bed, back in my wife's arms, and the pictures are back on the wall. Once the shock wore off, she began educating herself and doing what she could to be supportive. It hasn't been easy for either of us, and there's been some downright horrible moments. The future is unwritten, so I'm just trying to live in the moment right now, wherever that takes me. Maybe she'll still be mine, or maybe it'll just be too much to ask. But I won't know for sure until I get there.

You aren't there yet, Naomi. It just feels that way. Be strong for yourself, and for her. This isn't your fault, but it's not hers, either. Give her time and hopefully things can improve.

PM me if you need to vent. Hang in there, kid!

Sincerely,
Tegan

Thank you everyone for the support and the kind words.

Yes, I cannot blame her but it hurts me that I put myself into this situation knowing that even though I love her dearly, I would ultimately be faced with transition and loosing her. She is a wonderful person but with different ideals and morals than mine, thus leading to the strain in our relationship over me transitioning.

My wife and I talked a little yesterday when I went to get some stuff to live on for a week or so. She was calm and even though things where a little tense, we managed to have a conversation without raging emotions interfering. She let me know that if I want to have her around, she doesn't want me to fully transition. She made ground rules for me to take low doses of HRT and she will allow me to cross dress but she doesn't want me out full time.

If I went full transition route, she made it clear that the marriage will end and we will become roommates until we got rid of the house and organized things accordingly. Her mom now knows of my intentions and her family practically hates me now (highly expected). My wife was nice enough to shield me from her parents wrath. I didn't mean to hurt them but I lied to myself when I married her that I was "cured" of this. In reality, it is me, I can't cure who I am because my existence is not a disease.

I suppose I will start only on light doses of E and keep things going in the relationship. When I'm ready, I will let her know that I need to take the step towards full time.

Legal wise, her parents told her to lawyer up as well because they think I will try to take everything.... lol... They know me better than that. I would leave her with everything but my car, clothes, and my computer. Walking away from everything might sound crazy, but I have the full support now from my family and a place to recoup if need be. Of course I don't want this but if she still wants me gone when I go full time, than so be it.

All I'm doing now is buying time.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 16, 2014, 08:57:31 PM
I wonder why she would think you're a sodomite? Even if you're attracted to men as a woman that wouldn't necessarily follow.

Anyway, first reactions are not always the end of the story. I'm sorry it's been a volcanic start to this for you but things might calm down a bit. Maybe - hopefully - there's a chance for a calm and rational discussion. You said you wanted to grow old and have children with her too. Does she know that? Does she know how that is possible.

A lot of spouses can react this way because they may love their significant other, but a lot of that also has its roots in hetro-cis attraction. She loves you because, to her, you present as male and she likes/is attracted to men. She might love certain women in her life, but only in a sisterly way, she would probably never contemplate marrying or being sexually intimate a woman. And yet that's the potential outcome of your transition. That's a lot for any cis-hetro person to sort through even if they love their spouse.

Hopefully the two of you can work things out.

I told her about wanting to have children and growing old with her but she said that she cant see her self growing old with a woman. I fully understand her and won't try to push her moral boundaries. The funny thing is the fact that she believes that the hormones will make me attracted to men and less attracted to her. I reassured her, in her own words, I'm a closet lesbian lol she couldn't help but chuckle a little to that.