I think the big thing that sent me over the edge and finally prompted my transition was losing 90 pounds fairly quickly and then putting back on 25 pounds of muscle.  I physically looked the best I had in years (beefcake!), but the dysphoria finally became absolutely unbearable.  I swear I could keep my dysphoria in check when I was fat.  It seemed every time in my life where I experienced the worst dysphoria coincided with having my weight under control.   The thinner I was, the more I thought about being a woman.  I'd drink lots of beer again, get fatter and I was OK.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Was it the moobs?  Hell, I had a solid B cup when I was 285 and I secretly liked them.

I mean, this makes sense when I think about it.   Body fat aromatizes T into E.  More E = less dysphoric thoughts.  More muscle = more T.  I'm sure the fact that I was starting to lose hair this time at an alarming rate the last time around compounded things.

My therapist told me that her typical first time MTF client was 38-45 and recently lost a significant amout of weight.

Anyone else experience this?

Interesting.  Actually, I feel worse about myself and more dysphoric with weight gain.  And when I was skinnier, I was able to wear nicer clothes and enjoyed putting together a nice outfit.  It allowed a little more confidence even if I was still dysphoric. Once I got fat, I was more neurotic about my body, but I got so depressed that I was ready to die anyway.  I hated how I looked more and more, but then I stopped fighting it and gave in to unhealthy thought patterns.  Once I started my transition, not before, I started and have been losing a lot of weight. 

I'll say this though, once you stop taking care of yourself and indulge in unhealthy behavior, you usually are not in the best mental state.  Maybe the feeling of not caring came from how you felt emotionally and the weight was only a side effect of that? 

For me it was the reverse.  When you could see my collarbone defined a clear achilles tendon that extremely thin look the dysphoria was at bay. Problem was I couldn't keep it up for long,  I would end up in hospital for a few days and friends managers would start force feeding me food (mmm cherryripe milkshakes). When I was larger I saw a guy and strived to put the weight off again, up and down up and down (thank you for giving me my grandfather's metabolism). When I saw a guy in the mirror my surly attitude was always on show. I feel sorry now for the people who had to work under me unless of course they deserved to cop both barrels from me

Hey Jill F,
I can somewhat relate to what your are saying... For me the dysphoria more caused me to get fat, because as a man I just hated myself and didn't give a crap. And yes I can relate to the moob thing and secretly liking them. But that is the only thing I liked. Even though I am losing a lot of weight these day, I still see this blob with a penis, and have to admit it is a trigger. That said however just knowing I am making progress seems to make it subside these days.

Even though I have a ways to go still, "That Guy" is slowly disappearing and this wonderful women is taking his place. I think especially now that thing are completely out on the table, there are going to be more exciting thing to come real soon. I just keep plugging away and that keeps the dysphoria at bay.

Everything you wrote describes exactly what finally brought me to transition.

I've never been muscular, and I was actually pretty large at 103kg. Then a friend said why not try the gym and I did some weights and some cardio and I began to lose weight and gain muscle, and at first there was some kind of fascination in that, and even some camouflage.

But I was looking at myself and my muscles and thinking, why am I doing this? I don't want these things.

And the hairless picked up here too.

Fast forward 14 months and I'm 4 months on HRT and so pleased with where I'm heading.

A significant weight loss preceded my deciding I needed to transition.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 15, 2014, 08:13:42 PM
Interesting.  Actually, I feel worse about myself and more dysphoric with weight gain.  And when I was skinnier, I was able to wear nicer clothes and enjoyed putting together a nice outfit.  It allowed a little more confidence even if I was still dysphoric. Once I got fat, I was more neurotic about my body, but I got so depressed that I was ready to die anyway.  I hated how I looked more and more, but then I stopped fighting it and gave in to unhealthy thought patterns.  Once I started my transition, not before, I started and have been losing a lot of weight. 

I'll say this though, once you stop taking care of yourself and indulge in unhealthy behavior, you usually are not in the best mental state.  Maybe the feeling of not caring came from how you felt emotionally and the weight was only a side effect of that?

This is pretty much exactly how it went for me.

I felt exactly the same way ~ as male I would build muscle and shed pounds and look great, people often commented on how skinny I had gotten and it made me happy just to be fit (i wasnt entirely happy because I was male, but i was still satisfied that I was fit), and then after a while when the depression really started hitting hard, I kinda let myself go and went from 185 lbs to 235 lbs... I was so unhappy with my weight but because of my mental state, i felt like bettering myself was so pointless. I felt that the more I damaged myself, the less time i'd live on this earth, and that was strangely comforting to me at the time.

Now that the fog is gone, i'm actually doing things that I would never have expected to do. I am doing crazy amounts of cardio (riding bike to the gym and back: about 7 miles total and doing 1-1 1/2 hours of elliptical cardio) and I actually enjoy eating healthy and taking care of my body for once. Eventually my weight had prompted me within starting transition, "I gotta take care of myself."

Maybe im subconsciously plagued by media's subliminal portrayal of beauty, but I just keep on losing and losing weight. I'm currently at 195 lbs. after eating right and working out since starting HRT.
The skinnier I get, the happier I seem to be and the less dysphoria i seem to have. Honestly, right now the only thing that causes me any dysphoria is my thighs and my gut (i feel weird shaped because my legs are very thick and muscular and my gut isnt big but its big enough to express my lack of waist. so I feel like every time i look at myself im wearing permanent underwear because there is nothing in the hips department) and on top of it all I have a bit of cellulite on my inner thighs and a bit on my butt/stomach because of when I let myself go T_T staring to long in the mirror at these problem areas can cause me to break down badly. My wife tells me that I barely have a gut, but when I look in the mirror im like an anorexic girl with hallucinations of fatness.

Jill,

My Primary Care Doctor told me that body fat is an enormous hormone producing machine, as in aromatizing T into E as you described.  He pointed out that as I lose weight I will have less E and my body will make better use of T like it is a good thing.  He sort of doesn't get the whole dysphoria thing.

The times I have had the worst dysphoria over the years have been the times I have been least fat (I won't say thin as I have never been there).  So my biggest issue trying to start taking better care of my weight this time around was to have some sort of plan in place to deal with hormones.

So, in a lot of ways my experience is similar to yours.  When I really drop weight I want to go rock a nice dress.  Egad!  However, I am not sure how far I need to transition, as my true non-binary inner self would sort of like to have some part of both.  So dropping weight puts me in a confusing position.  Maybe a bit of E will help things.  I hope.


Erin

Quote from: ErinWDK on May 16, 2014, 11:31:57 AM
Jill,

My Primary Care Doctor told me that body fat is an enormous hormone producing machine, as in aromatizing T into E as you described.  He pointed out that as I lose weight I will have less E and my body will make better use of T like it is a good thing.  He sort of doesn't get the whole dysphoria thing.

The times I have had the worst dysphoria over the years have been the times I have been least fat (I won't say thin as I have never been there).  So my biggest issue trying to start taking better care of my weight this time around was to have some sort of plan in place to deal with hormones.

So, in a lot of ways my experience is similar to yours.  When I really drop weight I want to go rock a nice dress.  Egad!  However, I am not sure how far I need to transition, as my true non-binary inner self would sort of like to have some part of both.  So dropping weight puts me in a confusing position.  Maybe a bit of E will help things.  I hope.


Erin

I thought I was a non-binary myself until I took E and my dysphoria dropped from a 10 down to a 2.   I went full time 2 months later.

You never really know until you try the E.  At first I didn't want to even go there, but my therapist convinced me otherwise.  She said that if it didn't help or even made things worse, then I could just stop before anything permanent happened.   I actually felt a lot better 2 hours after my first dose, and I mean A LOT better.   Now you can pry my E from my cold, dead hand.   I'm not saying it will necessarily have the same effect on anyone else, but if your brain failed to masculinize as much as mine did, it's certainly worth a shot.   I was able to get off of all of my psych meds after I took the full HRT.

Quote from: Jill F on May 16, 2014, 12:05:53 PM
I thought I was a non-binary myself until I took E and my dysphoria dropped from a 10 down to a 2.   I went full time 2 months later.

You never really know until you try the E.  At first I didn't want to even go there, but my therapist convinced me otherwise.  She said that if it didn't help or even made things worse, then I could just stop before anything permanent happened.   I actually felt a lot better 2 hours after my first dose, and I mean A LOT better.   Now you can pry my E from my cold, dead hand.   I'm not saying it will necessarily have the same effect on anyone else, but if your brain failed to masculinize as much as mine did, it's certainly worth a shot.   I was able to get off of all of my psych meds after I took the full HRT.

This is an interesting point for me to ponder.  At the moment I am starting anti-androgens and that actually helps keep the dysphoria a bit at bay.  Hopefully by later in the summer I can start a bit of E.  My doctors are being VERY conservative starting E due to all my other medical issues, so the initial dose is going to be REALLY low.  I guess if a really small dose of E helps my mind that sure says go for it as far as is healthy for me.

Thanks for stretching my view a bit!


Erin

Yes. I also noticed that my transsexualism tends to be stronger when I exercise and my body became slimmer. I first wore high heels at my age of 38, and that is when I started running nearly every day. I saw many men look at my legs, and finally I shaved them. Then wearing skirt. At my 20s, I also felt very strong transsexualism, and it was also when I ran regularly and my body became slim. I nearly forgot my transsexualism when I did not exercise so much at my 30s.

barbie~~

Quote from: Jill F on May 15, 2014, 07:58:15 PM
My therapist told me that her typical first time MTF client was 38-45 and recently lost a significant amout of weight.

Anyone else experience this?

I was 47 and had lost 28lbs. I have since lost another 7lbs and I plan to ditch another 9lbs