Who am I? This question was the beginning of a life long journey of happiness for me. I have found most of who I thought I was had nothing to do with who I am. This idea was formed from the opinions of other people through out my life and as a child I believed what they were saying about me. I found that this was a big part of why I was so unhappy to start with. Back in 2008 was the beginning of the end of who I thought I was. I made up my mind that I was going to transition. I truly had no idea how I was going to do this but I did know that I had to do it.

stage one:the beginning of the end.
how did I look in 2008? I was a 34 year old, two hundred ten pound man, married and I had five kids. I worked to make ends meat and I truly had no idea how to live on my own. Inside of myself lived a woman that had never gotten to live her life. She had dreams but seemed to be powerless without hopes of ever being happy. Fear of loosing the life that already was for a life that I knew nothing about would be a risk beyond anything I have ever taken in my whole life. This task would take something I was not even sure I had.

stage two: The spark verses the water
I began to seek out the lives of others that felt the same way I have for many years. It would be this that give me hope* to begin with but something else was happening at the same time I was not aware of. Let it be known that with every choice I made to become the person I am today another version of myself was forming also based on the information I was taking in from other people. This version was formed from the idea that what others thought of me was important. This version I call the false true self because as I began to transition two images were forming and these two images of who I am would go to war in the future.

* hope- seeing that a thing is possible and working to make it a reality.

stage three:This was the place were I put the hope that I had gained into action. The only thing I had any power over at this time was telling people what I was going to do. I told my wife back in 2003 but I could not do anything about it back than. I did the only thing that could. I looked for help by seeing a counselor but he could not help because he did not specialize in gender issues nor did he know where I could find one. My wife and I put this away and moved on but I kept thinking. what hope came from others I saw their before and after pictures this did two things for me. I saw that it was possible but I was upset at the same time because I was just starting. our minds always seem to not only look at what is possible but seems to also point out the the negative. I had a choice look at what don't have yet or keep moving toward what I want and not give up. I learned that not all choices are the right ones in this but they do lead to making better ones in the future. I began to let my hair and nails grow out. The small things we do in the beginning help because in the future all of the little details will add up to the over all view of what is seen. At night I would go outside and walk up and down the street and this would lead to how I walk now. If you are going to dream dream big. I want, I need, I wish has to be changed to I will to find the power to bring your dreams into reality.

stage four: Accepting the things I can't change and changing the things I can. 2008-2009 was the hardest for me because I had nothing I could do but wait and keep my hope a live. I pretty much knew I was going to loose my wife and I had to accept this. It would not be until 2013 that I finally let her go but it was not for the reasons I thought it would be. I could not change her mind and I cared to much about what she thought of me. This held me back from moving faster than I could have. I changed my mind about her. She too was transitioning but she did not know it and neither did I. It would be the person that she became that would cause me to be able to let her go.

Stage five: In 2010 My wife left me and I was left alone for the first. I made a choice to began wearing women's clothing. I did not pass but this did not matter to me. There was a price that I paid. was it worth it to me? This choice put me through a lot but it would no doubt be a weakness at first then become one of my greats strengths. yes, I was hurt by all of the laughter and this was part of the false true self that I first spoke of is about. Even now as I write I know my reason why did it that way. I could not wait any longer so I was doing it for me. "Find out who you are and do it on purpose" -Dolly Parton