I'm crying for hours and hours and hours each day. I can't take this anymore.

I feel fake because I have no head hair and even the best wigs suck and my hair will never grow.

I feel fake because my face is not changing one bit from the hormones and the facial and body hair removal is progressing very slowly and sporadically.

My body looks like a block of maleness, no curves at all.

Nothing about me looks or sounds feminine.

I just want to die. Even when I'm doing other things to distract myself, I'm crying as I do them. I can't stop feeling crap.

How do I stop feeling crap? I can't take this anymore.

Hey Ruth,

Sorry you are dealing with so much dysphoria.  For what it's worth, I can relate with it in my own way. May I ask, how long have you been on hormones?  And are you doing anything for body hair removal?  Just remember all of these things take a lot of time and can seem to be doing nothing even when it is.

When I feel that way, instead of focusing on the bad things I can't change, I try to think of the good things that I can change.  The things that are within my reach that can make me feel better about myself.  The things I have control over or I can work towards.  Believe me, I know how much dysphoria sucks, but focusing on the good helps us get through the bad times even when it feels impossible.

Sorry, I know this isn't too helpful, but please hang in there. 

4.5 months on hormones.

Doing IPL DPC treatment for facial hair and body. Also for 4 months.

Doctors diagnosed my hair and said it will never grow.

I have monofilament and lace wigs. They all look fake and become wretched after several weeks of wearing even though I try to get the best ones and I tried to learn everything there is about maintaining them. And when I take them off, I feel even more fake for seeing how I really look. The wigs are all that lend me a feminine look to a small degree, and they are fake.

And the wigs and accompanying products cost a lot of money, money which I barely have for the next year from insurance and I can't get a job. No one will hire me.

What reason is there for me to hang on if nothing will change?

Quote from: Ruth Ruthless on May 17, 2014, 09:23:49 AM
4.5 months on hormones.

Doing IPL DPC treatment for facial hair and body. Also for 4 months.

Doctors diagnosed my hair and said it will never grow.

I have monofilament and lace wigs. They all look fake and become wretched after several weeks of wearing even though I try to get the best ones and I tried to learn everything there is about maintaining them. And when I take them off, I feel even more fake for seeing how I really look. The wigs are all that lend me a feminine look to a small degree, and they are fake.

And the wigs and accompanying products cost a lot of money, money which I barely have for the next year from insurance and I can't get a job. No one will hire me.

What reason is there for me to hang on if nothing will change?

Well, I can't say whether there is a reaon to continue with your transition.  That's only something you can determine.  It really isn't for everybody at the end of the day and that's okay.  You have to do what's right for you.  However, I just want to say that your situation doesn't sound hopeless.  I didn't really start to notice any real changes on hormones until around 4 months and that was after experimenting with different doses.   It's a very long process and it's frustrating, but to be honest you aren't on them for all that long.  There is no guarantee that things will improve, but I think it's hard to tell either way at this point.

As for IPL, I hear different things, but the consensus seems to be that it's a bit too weak for most of us for any long term/permanent treatment.  I know there will be some who disagree, but usually getting electrolysis or going to a professional laser removal salon is for the best for facial hair.  With body hair, it depends.  Hormones may help reduce it, but that's not true for everyone and even then it takes a lot of time. 

Again, I'm really sorry you are having a hard time and feel bad that you are going through all of this.  While I can't give you any guarantees and none of us can say how we will turn out, I just want to reassure you that it is still early and there is a lot of work to do in order to transition.  It sucks.  It's not easy.  It's hard and we all have different results/outlooks on it.  That's okay.  Just make sure you are ultimately doing what you feel is best for yourself.  Whether that is continuing with your transition or stopping it is only something you can decide.   I wish you all the luck as you go forward, whatever way that is.

Hang on I meant living on. Going back is not an option, and if I won't go forward, I'll check out.

I know how it feels to take a wig off and see that horrible change. I know how much it hurts knowing its not your real hair. And I know how fake it feels.

But your wigs are not as fake as you might think, you say your hair won't grow? Well I can tell you, every wwoman alive would wear a wig in your situation. Your not wearing a a wig to look feminin, your wearing a wig to have hair in the first place and in a style you like.

In time you might be able to choose entire outfits based solely off of what wig you choose to wear that day. I know sometimes things look bleek. And I'm sorry I can't wave a magic wand.

You seem to be suffering from major body dysphoria, and all I can offer is how I cope with not having "real breasts" it hurts every time I take my faulsies off, and some times its unbearable, spend hours sitting in the shower staring at the cabinet their placed on, hatinh that there not real. But I feel better when I remember somthing my freinds said to me. "I wish I could just take mine off like you" and its knowing that I can do somthing with mine other women wish they could do, and I feel better.

Your hair? You need a wig regardless by the sounds of it, and everytime that wig of yours gets in the way, blows in your face, gets in your eyes. And anytime it becomes an inconvienience, is a moment a woman wishes she could take her hair of and put it on a cabinate for a while.

Focus on knowing how you feel about your body, is exacly how another woman would feel if they had yours. The inner woman isn't fake, and neither is how you feel.

I know how you feel...

Basically for me it was kinda like this
I though that starting hormones would make my dysphoria disappear, but that was not the case
my dysphoria will be gone when i look like a cis female and that might take years or even never happen...

I know its hard and sometimes we cant really take it, but we need to keep on hoping...
Hrt and transition are no joke,we should have known,,,it is a very difficult proccess emotionally...

I wish you good luck

I'm sorry Ruth but your not going to see many changes in 4.5 months. I've been where your at it's not fun but hang in there suicide is not the answer ok. And I know you probably won't listen because your scared right now but try not to put so much thought into your outward appearance. Just learn to accept your body for what it is. We only get one body in this life try to look at the masculine features as what makes you unique. Not as something that is wrong with you.

Out of curiosity, have you ever gone to a department store and asked them for a makeover? They often do it free to try and persuade you to buy cosmetics. It can often help to feminize your face when make up is applied with the right colors and such.

I have no idea about wigs. Are human hair ones any better? There is probably a cost involved though.

I'm sorry about your hair sweetie. But there is no reason to feel fake with a wig. Remember that wigs these days are primarily made for cis women who need them for whatever reason. Yeah, it's fake hair. But so are a lot of things women use to look good - lipstick, false eyelashes, padded bras, etc.

Hiya Ruth,

I have a helpful suggest that might improve your wig experience.  I myself do not wear wigs, but I do wear monofiliment hair extensions to my waist, and I've been wearing them for three-and-a-half years.  To keep my extensions nice and pretty and natural looking, I find that steam works best.  (Please be careful with steam!  DO NOT burn yourself!)  Working with steam on extensions that are attached to my head is a bit tricky; steaming a wig that you're able to remove from your head will be much easier and safer.  I use a very nice Rowenta Valet clothing steamer that I got from Amazon for 100 bucks.  You can find much smaller steamers for 20 to 30 bucks.  I use the steam to smooth, straighten and arrange the synthetic hair fibers.  A nice heat resistant wig or extension brush works great to smooth the length of the hair as you steam it.  I like a natural boar bristle brush to smooth and polish the ends.  You can then use steam to curl and style your wig.  The thing to remember is that, unlike human hair that curls as it heats, monofiliment hair curls as it cools.  So wrap the hair around a curler or brush, heat it up with a little steam, and then keep the hair in position until it cools down (a couple of minutes.)  Experiment and have fun.  This may help you to enjoy and love your wigs just a little more.

Also, I can assure you that when I first went on hormones in 1998 at the age of 33, I felt horrified and suicidal off-and-on for the first couple of years.  I felt as though I would always look like a freak, that I would always stand out and draw unwanted attention just by being... a man in a dress.    (Horrifying, I know, but that's how I often felt back then.)

By the end of 2 years on hormones, my body and outlook on life had both changed quite a bit.  Since 2001, when I moved to a new city and fell in love, I have honestly and truly lived a mostly stealth existence, in spite of the fact that I'm very flamboyant with pink hair, glamorous makeup and tattoos.  As it turns out, I still draw a lot of attention in my life, but it's the kind of attention that any 49 year old woman would draw if she dressed as flamboyantly as I do.  (Think Penelope Garcia from the TV show "Criminal Minds". Yeah, that's me with the addition of hot pink and bright green streaks in my hair... oh, and I'm slender.) 

Patients, my friend.  Patients.

Please feel free to PM me if you have questions about my process of steam straightening and steam styling monofiliment hair.

Hang in there... I know it's a stupid cliche, but suicide is and always has been a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Hugs,
Miharu

Quote from: Ruth Ruthless on May 17, 2014, 09:23:49 AM
4.5 months on hormones.

Doing IPL DPC treatment for facial hair and body. Also for 4 months.

Doctors diagnosed my hair and said it will never grow.

I have monofilament and lace wigs. They all look fake and become wretched after several weeks of wearing even though I try to get the best ones and I tried to learn everything there is about maintaining them. And when I take them off, I feel even more fake for seeing how I really look. The wigs are all that lend me a feminine look to a small degree, and they are fake.

And the wigs and accompanying products cost a lot of money, money which I barely have for the next year from insurance and I can't get a job. No one will hire me.

What reason is there for me to hang on if nothing will change?

Quote from: Ruth Ruthless on May 17, 2014, 09:09:56 AM
I'm crying for hours and hours and hours each day. I can't take this anymore.

I feel fake because I have no head hair and even the best wigs suck and my hair will never grow.

I feel fake because my face is not changing one bit from the hormones and the facial and body hair removal is progressing very slowly and sporadically.

My body looks like a block of maleness, no curves at all.

Nothing about me looks or sounds feminine.

I just want to die. Even when I'm doing other things to distract myself, I'm crying as I do them. I can't stop feeling crap.

How do I stop feeling crap? I can't take this anymore.

I know how you feel. I've had feelings similar to this, myself. For what it's worth, from your picture I think you look quite pretty and feminine. As for the head hair and the wig, you should look into getting a hair transplant. The wigs can be just a temporary measure that you use in the meantime while you save up and prepare for the transplant.

My wigs are made of human hair and most advanced caps. It won't get better than this. Makeup doesn't make people pass and I hate how it feels and the people at the store are cis people who have no idea or inclination to do trans makeup and I'll only look more like a drag queen or nothing will happen and all clothes look either too little or too much. I need 24/7 physical hugs until my body changes. At least the face shape or I won't take this daily existence for much longer.

I have no idea from what you wrote how to do steam and I was warned heat ruins the hair and the cap.

And again I wear human hair. No synthetic.

I can't have a transplant of hair. There is not enough hair to work with. That's what the doctors said. Unless they learn to grow hairs I am stuck bald forever. And it wouldn't be so horrible being bald if my face features looked feminine but they aren't and I don't know if they ever will. I don't know if this is a temporary problem.

Quote from: FA on May 17, 2014, 11:29:25 AM
I'm sorry about your hair sweetie. But there is no reason to feel fake with a wig. Remember that wigs these days are primarily made for cis women who need them for whatever reason. Yeah, it's fake hair. But so are a lot of things women use to look good - lipstick, false eyelashes, padded bras, etc.

Good point.

There are a couple of older women that work at the beauty salon that I go to once in a while and they both wear wigs. It's something that needs to be done. Nothing to feel bad about.

It is if it's all that makes me look a bit feminine without looking too drag queen. They have feminine face shape even when bald. I don't. If they lose the wig they will still see women in the mirror. I don't. Without the hair I look completely male.

Quote from: Ruth Ruthless on May 17, 2014, 02:54:29 PM
They have feminine face shape even when bald.

Actually, one of them looked quite masculine. I've seen more than my fair share of very masculine looking women around here.

Miss Ruth, How can we help?

Miharu