Grace,

That was such an incredibly well written letter! I thought it was very thoughtful and considerate of his feelings/position whilst still maintaining your own. If he's dawdling his feet in replying I'm sure it's because the situation is difficult for him to understand and he's torn over how to respond and react. In his reality you were his son, and judging by your thoughtful and loving nature he's been very proud of you. That reality has been partially stripped away now. He knows he still loves you but now he must change his perception of how he sees you, he may even need to shift his perspective on how he's seen many things in life. Adjusting to this isn't easy for most people.

For us, we've usually known for a long time what wasn't right about the role we were playing. Not only that, we were in constant pain for years or even decades. Embracing transition is often a sprint for many of us because it offers relief and peace from the tortuous lives we've been living. But our family, they may not have seen the signs at all, and they certainly didn't feel our pain. All they know is suddenly there's this huge change that they need to adjust to. Most people tend to fight change unless there's some catalyst urging them forward. And in this situation they may fear that change and try to fight against it. They may plead or argue with us to come back to where they feel safe, where certain aspects of their lives could always be relied on for being constant and unchanging.

All I can say is be patient with him. Sometimes all you can hope for is baby steps. If he loves you then that will be all the motivation he needs to eventually come around. I gotta say he'll certainly be missing out until he does. You are such a courageous, loving, and beautiful woman! Who wouldn't want a daughter like you in their life? Hang in there girlfriend! I know how emotional it can get with family and acceptance. *hugs* 


Wishing you the best!

Alaia

Plan B: Go as Grace, take him to the pub and shout him a beer!

ha, that will probably be Plan D! (D for Drunk Dad)...

Plan B is giving him the benefit of a doubt. When I speak to my mother on the phone, probably Saturday some time, I'll mention it and ask her to tell him I sent him an email (Christopher, he's not much of a texter). If I haven't heard anything by Monday it'll be Plan C...call him directly, if he doesn't want to take it forward then that's on him - disappointing, but I'd rather him say it than this get dragged out through awkward silence and avoidance. There's been too much of that in my family over the years.

Quote from: Alaia on May 15, 2014, 09:16:35 PM
All I can say is be patient with him. Sometimes all you can hope for is baby steps. If he loves you then that will be all the motivation he needs to eventually come around. I gotta say he'll certainly be missing out until he does. You are such a courageous, loving, and beautiful woman! Who wouldn't want a daughter like you in their life? Hang in there girlfriend! I know how emotional it can get with family and acceptance. *hugs* 

Thanks Alaia, I will be patient with him.

Wheee! Family!!

Having resorted to Plan B - asking my mother to relay that I'd sent an email and ask that if he hasn't received it to email me - I now have received an email from dad saying he hasn't received it. I'm a bit dubious but will take him at his word. So it's back to Plan A!

I think you are very brave Grace. I also admire your patience. The last time my father said anything about my transition it was "It's his life", he was speaking to my sister about me. I tried to contact him recently but was told that for me to make any contact with him I had to pass messages through my step mother. Unfortunately my step mother and I dont actually get along so at the moment I have no contact at all with my father. Its sad but im not in high school anymore and he knows that I have tried to contact him and now he can take the time out and contact me.

Famies can't live with them would not of exsited without them.

Give him time Grace. Even thought we know we've made the right decision it can still be a shock for those around us. Keep on persisting and one day (hopefully soon) you should get a response.  Once he sees how much happier you are as Grace I'm sure he'll come around and accept you for the daughter you have always been.

Cindy's plan looks like a good idea. After all isn't the bonding session part of the great "Aussie Tradition"

so did dad finally respond to your email?

I sent it again. Nothing. I resent it again, but this time via my work email. Did get a response, of sorts.

Addressed me by my male name. Claimed that having seen an email from "Grace" wanting to catch up, thought it was a scam so deleted it. Has now received my email and will respond to it. That was three days ago now, still nothing. 

Long term project, I think.

Grace, I admire you on many levels. You are an amazingly strong woman.

I received a scholarship upon applying to college, based upon my winning a writing competition.  I write a lot and I'm fairly certain that I have real talent, but I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever written anything as heartfelt as that letter.  That was a nice read.  It was wonderfully well written, sincere, and to the point.  I really, really hope he responds and things go well between the two of you.

Here's his response, received after a prompt. Disappointing but not unexpected. Will have to reevaluate how to deal with this as he has clearly changed his tune since I spoke to him and my mother about this in the first instance, again not unexpected.

---

S#, (yes,he's still addressing me by my male name)

I have thought long and hard about your message.

Other than to state that email was not an appropriate method of communication in this instance (but so be it) I am lost for words.

You have made your decision - something I am unable to get my simple mind around. This covers matters such as  "what you aim to achieve" and "how will then achieve same", by generally changing your physical appearance from male to female - something which can, I believe, can never be fully achieved.

Because of this I see little value in an eyeball to eyeball discussion on the subject.

To me, and I am so sorry, you will remain my son S# until the day I die - irrespective of your appearance.

Got to go, because I am having trouble reading the screen!

Dad 

---

That last line sounds pretty close to an admission of tears, which would be a remarkable admission. Anyway, I'll just let that settle for now. Clearly requires a rethink, or you know, something. Sounds like Cindy's plan is a goer.

Grace, I am sorry it did not work out yet. I have a feeling your Dad is in shock and not able to welcome you until he lets his son go.

Pub and a bonding session,  if you both like rugby league your just in time for state of origin (go qld. Sorry)

While the insistence of calling you by your former name (twice) and the phrase "something which can, I believe, can never fully be achieved". Tends to lean towards the negative
The line "got to go, because I am having trouble reading the screen!" could be an admission of tears so hopefully that would mean acceptance is not far behind.

Hopefully with time he will come to accept you as the daughter you always where.  Good luck and do not give up

I'm impressed that he responded pretty quickly. My father, too, replied quite soon, and he said he was a bit shocked. Later, he took it back because he didn't want to leave me with a negative impression. But after six months, he is still wrapping his mind around my transition. It could take years.

Perhaps it is more difficult for both our fathers because it came out of the blue and was pretty much a done deal, a decision we made without their knowledge or input.

I don't want to hijack your thread by comparing and contrasting, but I just wanted to say that the whole affair has been a mixed bag for me, and your situation seems to be fairly similar. That is, your father's note has some positive aspects. He hasn't rejected you as his child, and he does actually apologize for his own limitations.

There is hope yet.

Grace

That response must be pretty disappointing

It's easy to say looking in from the outside, but there are positives I suppose.  He replied for one, and the reply isn't angry or disparaging.  Give him time to see how everyone else around you is responding and there is hope that he may come around in the future.

Grace, sorry to hear that things with your dad are continuing difficult.
In my opinion, his response is still very respectful of your position, even that he disagrees. I feel this is a potential olive branch, and is a wonderful start. Find comfort in that if you can.
Furthermore you can still agree to disagree (to a point) which will hopefully allow you to have an ongoing relationship. It might allow him more time to see how happy you are and for him to warm to the fact that his vision of you is not reality. If he had left the scene, his opinions or view are very likely to remain static or progress further away. If you can remain 'close' in a so eloquent manner as your letter, without overpowering him, time and love might be all that's required. And hope.
As for passing as cis, you are drop dead gorgeous as your recent photos have proved, and I suppose you know 110% passing is not the only thing! It's your smile!

The good news is that it's not outright rejection, even though it's a disappointing reply.

Maybe you could consider the mum approach - keep close communication with your mother and let her wear him down.  It'll get to the point of ridiculous after a while.  He's still communicative and that's a good base.

I keep thinking it's harder for a dad to let go of the son than it is for mum.

Bah, that's a disappointing response. Hopefully in time he can change. I know that doesn't help much with right now.

Sorry Grace, that is so disappointing.  He didn't think communicating by email was appropriate but doesn't want to talk face-to-face.  That doesn't seem to leave you with too many options to communicate and show him how happy you are.

You may now need to consider what happens at family events etc.  His approach makes every one of those something to be managed so it isn't going to be something that just dies down to be just "you" rather than "about you".  That is sad too.

While I would love to see my Dad again (died many years ago), I think his response would have been even more negative.  Sort of something I am glad about while still thinking of him a lot.

Thanks everyone. This will be a difficult process, no doubt about it. For me the hardest thing was telling him, how he processes that is largely up to him but I also hope to play a positive part in facilitating developments.

I think we may engage in a few email exchanges before anything else develops. Regardless of his reservations about email as a medium for discussion it is the most we've communicated in ages. If I hadn't written what I put in the original email then our first meeting would have been a less clearly worded, significantly more emotional version of that... he's not an emotional person and doesn't handle people getting emotional so it was good to avoid that. Also, communicating by email achieved exactly what I was aiming for, it allowed the words to sink in and gave him an opportunity to think about it before replying. It may not seem like it but that is the most emotional he's ever been with me, don't think he ever even referred to me as his "son" between us before this.

So yeah, not quite the best case scenario outcome but not the worst either.

I might let it lie for a few days before I decide how to respond.