Quote from: Paula Christine on May 21, 2014, 09:26:40 AM
MJ, I'm so sorry that you went thru that.. I don't totally know what you're feeling, being an introvert, I am very shy (no, really), so I know a small bit of what you're feeling. And what you would like to be able to do. I'd like to think he just wanted to become friends, with no motives, no agenda, and no fear of, what we are becoming. Friends here, we all are, or at least, comrades in arms, sharing the same affliction which is the common ground we have. But anyone outside the circle, we are... closed to. Leary of, on guard against (sorry, channeling Yoda).. But without just a bit of risk, we may never find the one that will complete us. Those of us that have already, found -the one- are now losing her, or him, in our journey because they can not handle what they will end up becoming, or be labeled as.
"To win, you gotta play". I truly wish you are able to find someone that will complete you, to share a real heart with, to sit on the porch alongside and grow old with, watching the sun set each day.
Paula
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Just one of those things, sometimes I brush it off like nothing, other times it gets to me. A couple months ago same thing happened with someone else in my apartment complex, actually he lives in a building right across the parking lot facing mine. I had just went over to the leasing office to use their free Wi-Fi and moments later this guy whom I know must've been taking an interest in me because its not the first time he happened along, walks in to use their computer too. Two, three other times before that while doing laundry he somehow had wash to do as well. For the longest time I wondered if he had been watching me through the window, from his to ours. I take it he was watching me, decided it was a good time to talk and get to know me. I was there trying to look up stuff for jobs because I was going through a hard time at my current job and well, it don't pay @#$%. So he sits down next to me and starts talking to me. I respond pretty much the same towards everybody, they get the conversation going, introductions, questions, that sorta stuff, I merely answer (better than I used to be long ago, I would have just sat there and ignored him). Well skipping through all the usual talk of those wanting to get to know another, eventually I got up and left because he was distracting me and I seriously didn't care about him at all.
Oh, but besides the usual asking me out thing which I said I wouldn't do, he had asked of me then can I come over and we can hang out, talk some more. Uh, yeah right, like I'm going to let a total stranger into my home. What if I ordered you a pizza or something, would you accept it? Nope. Why not? You like pizza don't you? Because, I just wouldn't, I'm not comfortable taking gifts from someone I don't know. But he decided to try anyway but with something else.
So one day, a couple weeks later I'm checking the mail and there's a Netflix envelope in there. Huh? Says John Smith on it, but our address. O-kay. No one by that name where we are. So going to drop it into the outgoing mailbox and its all taped up with a sign saying to bring all outgoing mail to the leasing office. This because someone had broken into it, so it was currently out of order. But, the office was closed at that time, the person out showing apartment units or something. I bring it home, figure I'll try again later. But somehow I forgot (I got more important things to do with my time than worry about someone else's mail). Later that night my mom gets home from work, goes through the mail, says something to me about a movie, having already opened it up. She thought because we had talked one time about ordering movies that I had ordered the movie, but I told her it wasn't ours. Oh, well, too late, its open, may as well watch it and then return it. It was a James Bond movie, Casino Royale. A couple days later my mom dropped it off at the post office. A few days later, another movie shows up. What the hell?
Now we are racking our brains wondering what this is about, who sent it, my mom thinking someone we know did, like a gift or something. She asked me, remember that guy that was talking with you, do you think maybe this is from him? Did you talk about anything like this? I don't know, can't remember, didn't pay much attention. For minutes I was trying my best to recall everything. But suddenly it hit me. I remember while he was asking about my interests, he had first wanted to take me out to the movies, after I decline he had asked what kind of movies I like to watch, I simply stated, action, adventure, fantasy, sci-fi, that sorta stuff, just a generalization. He asked me if I ever seen Casino Royale, I told him no. So, with that one showing up as it did, it could not have been coinsidence or mistaken address or such. Especially so being this next one was the next Bond movie after that. My mom next day gave it to our mailman and told him that it wasn't ours and that we'd like not get anymore. We didn't after that. And the dude left me alone from then on out, guess he got the point.
Almost forgot a very important detail, somehow he knew, or at least suspected I was a transsexual. At one point while there using the computer that day, him talking to me, he had mentioned how one time after I had finished my laundry and left, this shortly after he had exchanged a few words with me there, he told me that another guy that was also doing laundry had questioned of him why he was talking to me. Said to him, don't you know that is a dude? He said he told the guy it didn't matter, he was just talking to a nice lady, didn't matter to him what I may be down there.
The whole time he's telling me this I'm showing no sign of acknowledgement about it, just continuing to do what I was doing on my laptop. But it got me leary, how did he come about this info? Was there this so called other guy and how'd he know and who was it? Or did he come to the conclusion himself through observation? I know somehow he was trying to put me at ease by letting me know that he knew and that it was alright but damn it, it wasn't! Because something was giving me away. Probably my adams apple, uh, I hate that thing sometimes more than that other thing between my legs because it sits there out in the open for all to see, most don't even pay it any mind because I mostly look like a girl, act somewhat the part, and talk with the right voice to match, but there's always this very small percentage that notices details more than the typical person.
Me knowing he knew made me rather uncomfortable about it. Anyway, thankfully he gave up on me. Its been quite some months, and I've seen him come and go from his place along with his kids, and sometimes a woman (wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, sister, whatever), and unlike before when he used to look over at my place he don't anymore. I don't know what he really wanted from me, simply to be friends, or something more, but whatever. That day after coming home from using the internet was a different kind of unhappiness, not upset because I wanted to do the opposite, but because someone knew about me and made me feel like I was being watched.
As for today, keeping with the topic, we got fire ants in our apartment, again. little bastards are roaming around along the kitchen floor, one stung me on the knee several times, raised a big itchy welt. We got ants really bad here. Fire ant mounds everywhere. They better get the maintenance guy over here tomorrow as they said they would, I don't feel like getting stung again. Last time I did a couple months ago on the back of the neck, damn thing didn't go away for weeks, all red, swollen and itchy.
