So, today, I went to see a social worker at a health clinic for one particular service -- and in the course of our discussion -- we ended up on trans issues. Technically, he is the Transgender Intake Counselor for that clinic; essentially, he can be a big help in my journey along transition. I told him that, at that moment, I wasn't ready for HRT but that I felt like I would want it at some point in the future. This clinic follows an informed consent model, so I don't have to go through a therapist to obtain the treatment.

There are just several issues surrounding transition that I guess I just want to have a discussion on. I feel like talking about it may help me clarify where I'm at in my head. 

The first major issue with HRT is the financial aspect of it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I could not afford the treatment, so that pretty much inhibits me at this point in my journey. However, I feel as though this particular clinic I go to may be able to help with the cost, since it is a clinic for low income individuals. However, if they can't help, I can't move forward until I am better off financially.

Second, I'm just anxious. I have an anxiety disorder and I'm naturally anxious about every little thing. Anyways, currently, my job is the only thing sustaining me. Without it, I'd be homeless essentially. I'm afraid that if I were to start HRT that I would become so feminine (the breast growth and softening in particular) that people would know that I'm trans and that could pose a risk to my employment. My place of employment is pretty forward thinking in terms of LGB issues, but I have no idea their stance on the T side of the things. I know that being on HRT doesn't require you to live full time, I just feel like it would be obvious.

I know that HRT is what I want, I just don't know if I can start it quite yet.

Don't worry about taking the time to think things over and prepare.  On the cost issue of transitioning, I hope this post that I place early today may help you a bit.  I'll attach it below with my experience with hrt.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 21, 2014, 08:25:28 AM
Cost is a very difficult thing to measure.  It will be different for all of us.  Depending on whether you have access to insurance, hormones themselves aren't that bad.  Without insurance I was paying under 100 dollars (somewhere in the $80 zone) for a three month supply of estrogen (pills).  With insurance, the copay was very tolerable (to the best of my memory under 20 dollars for 3 months of estrogen and spiro).  A lot of this can depend on where you are buying it from and what policy you have, if any.  Right now, I have no copay as long as I use mail order, so hormones are free, outside of premium payments.  In any case, even though it differs depending on your circumstances, it will likely be manageable for someone working full time with no other expenses, if that's really the case for you.

Let me state that I've always gone through chain pharmacies and mail order services.  I can't say what things will be like at a clinic, though I've heard that some, like Callen Lorde, have in house pharmacies that can be negotiable on prices.  Don't quote me on that, but it's something to follow up on with the clinic that you are attending.  By any chance, do you have insurance?  That may be a way for you to get treatment if you can't currently afford it out of pocket.

As for the work issue, I understand what you mean.  Sadly, I can't say how your coworkers and employer will deal with the situation.  It's always a risk, especially in states or localities without protections for transgender workers.  In my own case, it's been okay and I know other people that have said the same; however, I don't want to throw out gurantees that aren't really there.  Best bet would be to look up information on your employer and the laws in your location.  One thing I will say is that hormones take time, so usually you will have time to prepare for coming out.  You will likely be able to blend as male for sometime before people catch on.

Again, don't worry about taking some time to prepare yourself for everything.  It's okay.  You want to be ready for the step when you take it.  Good luck with everything.