Okay, so I sat down with my life partner of 8 years and had "the talk" a while ago. I thought it went pretty well. She pointed out how I am really feminine and I'm really bad and awkward at pretending to act like a guy, and how some people think I'm gay. In the last few days or so I think she's starting to have breakdowns. We sort of broke up at noon one day and then called me balling her eyes out at 5pm telling me she doesn't know what to do without me. I basically left work on the spot, I was so scared.

I'm not sure what happened. She was so accepting the other week and now she's depressed, sad and angry. I tell her that I'm still me. She mumbled something about her not sure if she could love me but she does love me. It crushed me.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for, I might just be bouncing thoughts off the forum wall. I've got the feeling we'll just start to drift apart until one day the 8-plus years will just mean nothing. Maybe not in the next 6 months but in the next year or two.

Anyone have advice?

This is the part where I sigh and just keep moving forward.

Update: Okay, so we just had a super long talk and apparently she needs someone with male genitalia to pleasure her. She's not too keen on the idea that I don't want one. I guess she's fine with everything else though.

On that note I'm going to make myself a drink, maybe like a couple bottles of wine. 

It's not that, or rather she's using that as a strawman for her insecurities and unease at the change in your relationship. She may have said she was cool with it, in the abstract. But the reality is different.

You've changed the rules you both agreed to when you got married. The contract if you will. You are a new person ("Kova"), which means you have to think of it as starting from scratch.   You can't say, "Hey I want to be replace this guy body with a girl one, but everything else will stay the same."  It's not for her, both physically, sexually, and emotionally. You need to court her and re-win her affection for the new person you are. Make the effort to win her love not expect it as an inheritance from your former self.

I came out to my SO in February and it's still a back and forth. Because you have been feminine all along you are at least ahead on that point if she would be happy continuing in a relationship with a transwoman able to penetrate etc. It will reasonably take her some time to to and fro on this and determine what it is that she wants and also what her bottom line is. Then you either negotiate or decide whether her bottom line is acceptable to you. Don't rush this unless necessary. Ask yourself how long you have been processing this.....perhaps for many years.

My SO is just now becoming clear on her relationship to me and what she wants - 3 months later.

I came out to SO back in July, and it started bad, and then went back and forth with lots of negotiating. Now, ten months later, she just finally said that I am stuck with her, no matter how things may go (and that could still change.
Honestly, I think we just have to accept that many of our relationships are going to be unstable until we get into being full time. I am still waiting for my SO to change her mind again.

Quote from: ChelseaAnnI came out to mySO back in July, and it started bad, and then went back and forth with lots of negotiating. Now, ten months later, she just finally said that I am stuck with her, no matter how things may go (and that could still change.
Honestly, I think we just have to accept that many of our relationships are going to be unstable until we get into being full time. I am still waiting for my SO to change her mind again.

This.

My SO and I have been together for about 12 years. She's been in the picture from last June, when I first owned that I'm trans and that I had to do something about it.

It's hard. She's a lifelong dyke, which is also how I identified until I realized I just couldn't do it any more. She's been very supportive from the get-go, but at the same time, she doesn't get it at a gut level, and it's very difficult for her, especially now that some effects of T are starting to show (I'm about three months in). The more she's able to think of me as a guy, the less she's able to think of me as her partner.

But the ironic thing is that in spite of that, this is bringing us closer together -- partly because I'm so much less depressed, more able to open up emotionally, and generally happier and nicer to be around, but I think another reason is exactly that I've chosen to be very open with her, as honest as I know how to be about what's going on. It makes me feel super vulnerable, because I don't want to lose her. But my partner is her own person, and she gets to decide how she feels about things; I can't control that, and it's disrespectful to try.

Our relationship is changing... but it also seems to be getting stronger, and I'm working pretty hard at letting go of needing to control the outcome.

This news is a shock, and a difficult transition for her too. Relationships have to be a win for both sides, if she stays (as she is and doesn't become stoic or hostile) and you transition, you win.  How does she win?  As stated above you have to court her.  I came out yrs ago and have gone very slowly only recently picking up steam in my medical and social transition and our relationship is fantastic. I decided at the very beginning that the essence of being a woman for me is caring for others. It is my responsibility to make this a win for her with listening, love, thoughtfulness, practical help (I'm the dishes and laundry queen) and without typical male reactions.  All of that has become second nature and guess what, she can't wait to get past our transition and this is after initially being unsure (she originally said the same thing about my anatomy as your spouse has, and has changed her tune).

Now, she's very open minded and has somewhat fluid sexuality and I think those traits are critical if a couple makes it through with an intact relationship including a sexual relationship.

Just my opinion but sometimes you can only beat a dead horse for so long until it gets bloated enough to blow up in your face. Yeah it does sound gross and disgusting and really bad but the emotional turmoil of going back and forth she loves you, she loves you not, she accepts you, she accepts you not is not really healthy for either of you and especially with you. Sometimes you just have to let it go and you will know when that time comes.

Life is funny in a wierd sort of twisted way 'cause I ended a marriage that was a farce mainly because I couldn't be me. A few months ago or so I met a beautiful woman that I had a passing moment with 24 some odd years ago. When I say passing moment I really mean passing moment. She happens to be trans and transitioned and lives stealth and that passing moment happened between a younger wilder me and who I thought was an extremely cute effimanate guy at the time and gave this person a keepsake, kind of in a sleazy way but nontheless a keepsake. Yes I am bi so no biggy. Didn't know it at the time but that person formed a crush on me. She remembered me and kept that keepsake that I gave her those twenty someodd years ago and now it sits in a hard plastic case cherished by her and now both of us. Twenty four years later fate intervened and it never would have if I would have stayed in an extremely unhappy marriage killing myself slowly playing headgames with myself and my ex wife. Now I can be me, male, female, genderfluid, go the transition route or whatever, this woman doesn't care because to her I am me and vice versa and am truly feeling happiness for the first time in a long time and especially not during my marriage.

So what life holds for each of us is extremely different and if your SO can't fully accept you now and if couple's therapy doesn't work, she will probably not accept you later down the line or always harbor animosity toward you for not being what she wants you to be. You never know what life has in store for you so live life and think of it as an adventure.

It hurts Kova I ain't even gonna lie and tell you it don't. Eight years is a long time. But another thirty or forty years being unhappy and not being true to yourself is a lot longer. But like I said that decision is 100% up to you. But what the future holds with a positive outlook can be promising too.

Oh my goodness Jess - what a wonderful and romantic story. I am so happy for you (and jealous too!!!)

Quote from: DiDi on May 22, 2014, 10:44:59 AM
Oh my goodness Jess - what a wonderful and romantic story. I am so happy for you (and jealous too!!!)

Thanx DiDi, Yeah I think about it and I just really have to toss it up to nothing but fate. But believe me there is nothing to be jealous of. No one knows actually what their future holds. It may last and it may not but today it is good. Tomorrow may not even come. Or the both of us may live forever. I figured one thing out in my miserable marriage and that is life is way too short to be miserable for God knows how long. There are other people out there that will love you for who you are and not what they want you to be or what they think you should be. Usually things do work out but not the way we may want or think it should and there may be pain or struggle but life happens and I try to just live it. It sounds cliche' but sometimes we just have to take a flying leap and hope we don't land in a manure pile. And if we do, use that manure to make the grass grow greener.