I'm such a mess, my life is such a mess..  Fighting with my wife for months now, about this, about.. me.  I did this to us, I did this to her.. I know this. I own it.. but

I told her, I would stop, stay as I am, revert, to keep my family.  I love my family more than anything, and I am trying to keep it together.. But every sentence she utters begins with "You lied for 30yrs, to me!  I am trying so hard.. I spent the last several days (trigger warning) at HomeDepot.. doing.. stuff, fixing.  HoeDepot.. Land of 1000 Visits.  Scrapped my knuckles last tow days doing irrigation line fixes, a lot of digging, my nails are all broken and split. Spent most of today either at HD or under the counter replacing the sink and faucet, inventing a unique way of running the drain in to the wall..  I hated every second of it.  I look like hell, I feel ever worse.  Been off my hormones 4 1/2 weeks (well, 5days I backslid) and I am just so screwed up.

Beard back, I cant look in the mirror, I had some moles removed (only good thing this week) but it cost.  Wife challenging it was for my feminine face.  I am really getting to hate her comments, put downs.  I promised my therapist I would get out of this place.  Wife went for dr appt (brand new doc interview, she thot), but he did full check up , so she comes home and says her BP was 150/110, doc didn't like that.  I told her mine was the same, so she said we have to separate as we're obviously doing this to each other. and it isn't going to get better.  Cant go back, cant go forward, have to end this.

I found furnished place not far away, I can -barely- manage it and the house and utils for both, but major changes/cost cutting would have to be done.  She is nice only when she wants something from me, fix something.  I told her could days ago, I'm not going to fix anything anymore (yet I did last couple days).

I just cant go on like this, but it will kill me to leave, but she said I will be happier away, we'll separate, I'll be able to do what I need to, she'll stay listed for all my benefits and insurance, and we'll deal with whatever, maybe stay married but not together anymore.  idk. 

My mind is a mess, my body is a wreck, I cant even look at it.  I have to go to work tomorrow (I work weekends).  I will just have to does myself when Im away, but she would be able to tell, smell me.  My Endo said no script drug hormones until I resolve my "social arena".  My therapist says, I should switch Endo's then, she'll give me a letter for whoever I choose but that would be more weeks away to get an appt.

My mom wont talk to me at all about any of this.  My sister too.  My closest guy cousin and I had a 2hr "chat" yesterday about me, trying to figure out what I mean.  'Told him about trying to live you life using your right hand (we are both left handed) and how awkward and wrong it feels.. he sorta got that.  but he is trying to talk me out of it, asking if I've really thought this out.  Am I understanding I am giving everything up?  Says he wants me to talk to a sex therapist friend of his.  I didn't even make any jokes about that.  I said if I talk to him, and my other cousins want me to talk to their counselor friends, where does it end?  Where do I say "no"?  We left it at, "give me his name/number, I will make no promises."  and that was as good as anything as he was going to get from me.  We had lunch last month, he brought  another cousin with him (I asked him to).. when I told her I was trans (whether she knew or not, she didn't let on), but first thing she asked "what is your name, then?"  I almost broke down crying.. that's when my other cousin thought I might be "unstable"..

Music has been the only therapy that's helped this last couple weeks.  Digging in the yard, I was sobbing to a song as I was digging trenches for the sprinkler line, hoping the wife didn't look outside to watch.  I'm .. busted up.. I just wish I could just make up my damn mind, suck it up and pack my ->-bleeped-<- and go, be better, be away, be alone.. I am not afraid of being alone.  I just don't want to be hated by them.  Its taking a lot of effort not to cry.

Wife just asked me if Im still on FB, I said no, she said many of my cousins are starting to unfriend her.  I have nothing to do with that.  Nor do I care anymore.

Sorry, I just had to let this out, or just collapse. 

I am so sorry to hear all that I can't imagine what you're going through and my heart goes out to you.  I realize you probably aren't interested in hearing a bunch of platitudes; just know that I, and really I'd imagine anyone on these forums, are more than willing to talk should you need it.

I feel you Paula, I really do. I'm in a very similar situation except that you've been in your marriage twice as long.

I think the "You lied for X years to me!" is a bit harsh. Yes, this is something that we can absolutely look back on and know that we should have told our wives about this. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Think back to when you got married, did you really consider that you'd ever in your wildest dreams be considering transition years down the road?

I know I sure as hell didn't. I was in complete denial. Hell, I didn't even know what 'transgender' meant back then. I simply thought I was some sort of freak and I just knew I'd be taking this secret with me to the grave. I hoped that marrying someone who loved me and starting a family would somehow fix things and that my desires to be a girl would just go away. But they didn't, to my dismay I found that they only got stronger. But by the time I'd figured things out, it was too late. I told my wife, and then I proceeded to try and hold things together. And I did it for years, I mean, I'd made a commitment to her, to the marriage, to the family.

But I dunno, when there's something so fundamentally askew your life you eventually reach a breaking point where you realize that something has to change. I knew I wasn't happy, and my unhappiness was having a direct impact on my family. Hell, my wife hurt me pretty badly with some of the things she'd done. And I'd blame myself because I'd distanced myself from her in my depression and wasn't giving her the attention and intimacy she needed. Furthermore, our stressed relationship was having a negative impact on the kids.

After a lot of introspection I realized that I couldn't help the others around me without helping myself first. As long as I'm unhappy with who I am then that is just going to taint every relationship in my life. I'm only going to achieve lasting peace and happiness by building it from the inside out. And then, then I'll be able to share that with the others in my life and actually be a positive influence. The change though is going to be hard for everyone involved, especially my wife. I can't blame her for being angry and lashing out. This is completely turning her world upside down. And she's begged and pleaded with me not to do this, to just keep pretending for the kids sake, wait until they are all grown.

But I just don't see things that way. First off, we have zero chance of being happy together as I cannot be happy presenting as a man nor can she be happy married to a woman. What she's suggesting spells out another 15 years of a cold marriage.  Neither of us deserve that, nor do the kids. Secondly, I want to teach my kids that it's more important to be their authentic selves, and not to just suck it up and live a lie because that's what convenient for or expected by others. Lastly, I truly believe that this path is the best hope for all of us to have happy and healthy relationships with each other. My wife and I may end up divorced, but we can still be great friends. And the kids, so long as we both help them feel love and acceptance then I think they'll be ok too. It's going to be a challenging road, and we may not end up with the happy future I'm hoping for. But it is only on this path that I can see that happy future.

Anyway, I didn't want to get so much into my story. I just wanted to say I can relate to the struggles and frustrations you are going through. I wish you the best, I really do. And your wife too

She's right you know, this is probably what's killing both your BPs

*hugs*

-Alaia

i'm sry your feeling so much pain onee-chan. shall i go reap the souls of the people hurting you?

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. Its not easy being trans and staying married to your current partner. My marriage is currently in limbo despite the promises my wife and I have made to each other to try to compromise. There is this tension/pain that won't break from the relationship, now that she fully knows that I'm trans. I now know the meaning of tension as well.

I'm around if you want to talk. Send me a message If you like.

Thirty years you not only lied to her but also to yourself. How many of us tried so hard to be something we are not hardwired either in the brain or our psyches to be?

I don't think the worst part is lying to her, I think that was inadvertant because I think the worst part is you lied to yourself and tried to be somone or a gender you truly are psychologically not. Sometimes Paula we just can't fake it anymore and who we truly are needs to be expressed or we become depressed. Trying to be happy yourself in life is not selfish. The other person that wishes you to supress youself in order to maintain thier own happiness, in my opinion, is selfish on their part more so than yours.

Quote from: Paula Christine on May 23, 2014, 09:30:45 PM
I'm such a mess, my life is such a mess..  Fighting with my wife for months now, about this, about.. me.  I did this to us, I did this to her.. I know this. I own it.. but

I told her, I would stop, stay as I am, revert, to keep my family.  I love my family more than anything, and I am trying to keep it together.. But every sentence she utters begins with "You lied for 30yrs, to me!  I am trying so hard.. I spent the last several days (trigger warning) at HomeDepot.. doing.. stuff, fixing.  HoeDepot.. Land of 1000 Visits.  Scrapped my knuckles last tow days doing irrigation line fixes, a lot of digging, my nails are all broken and split. Spent most of today either at HD or under the counter replacing the sink and faucet, inventing a unique way of running the drain in to the wall..  I hated every second of it.  I look like hell, I feel ever worse.  Been off my hormones 4 1/2 weeks (well, 5days I backslid) and I am just so screwed up.

Beard back, I cant look in the mirror, I had some moles removed (only good thing this week) but it cost.  Wife challenging it was for my feminine face.  I am really getting to hate her comments, put downs.  I promised my therapist I would get out of this place.  Wife went for dr appt (brand new doc interview, she thot), but he did full check up , so she comes home and says her BP was 150/110, doc didn't like that.  I told her mine was the same, so she said we have to separate as we're obviously doing this to each other. and it isn't going to get better.  Cant go back, cant go forward, have to end this.

I found furnished place not far away, I can -barely- manage it and the house and utils for both, but major changes/cost cutting would have to be done.  She is nice only when she wants something from me, fix something.  I told her could days ago, I'm not going to fix anything anymore (yet I did last couple days).

I just cant go on like this, but it will kill me to leave, but she said I will be happier away, we'll separate, I'll be able to do what I need to, she'll stay listed for all my benefits and insurance, and we'll deal with whatever, maybe stay married but not together anymore.  idk. 

My mind is a mess, my body is a wreck, I cant even look at it.  I have to go to work tomorrow (I work weekends).  I will just have to does myself when Im away, but she would be able to tell, smell me.  My Endo said no script drug hormones until I resolve my "social arena".  My therapist says, I should switch Endo's then, she'll give me a letter for whoever I choose but that would be more weeks away to get an appt.

My mom wont talk to me at all about any of this.  My sister too.  My closest guy cousin and I had a 2hr "chat" yesterday about me, trying to figure out what I mean.  'Told him about trying to live you life using your right hand (we are both left handed) and how awkward and wrong it feels.. he sorta got that.  but he is trying to talk me out of it, asking if I've really thought this out.  Am I understanding I am giving everything up?  Says he wants me to talk to a sex therapist friend of his.  I didn't even make any jokes about that.  I said if I talk to him, and my other cousins want me to talk to their counselor friends, where does it end?  Where do I say "no"?  We left it at, "give me his name/number, I will make no promises."  and that was as good as anything as he was going to get from me.  We had lunch last month, he brought  another cousin with him (I asked him to).. when I told her I was trans (whether she knew or not, she didn't let on), but first thing she asked "what is your name, then?"  I almost broke down crying.. that's when my other cousin thought I might be "unstable"..

Music has been the only therapy that's helped this last couple weeks.  Digging in the yard, I was sobbing to a song as I was digging trenches for the sprinkler line, hoping the wife didn't look outside to watch.  I'm .. busted up.. I just wish I could just make up my damn mind, suck it up and pack my ->-bleeped-<- and go, be better, be away, be alone.. I am not afraid of being alone.  I just don't want to be hated by them.  Its taking a lot of effort not to cry.

Wife just asked me if Im still on FB, I said no, she said many of my cousins are starting to unfriend her.  I have nothing to do with that.  Nor do I care anymore.

Sorry, I just had to let this out, or just collapse.

first thing I'd like to say is that this kind of problem is totally your problem and your wife's not your cousins. just an outside opinion. Your in the rock and the hard place . stay married or leave. You have to weigh the value of each against the other  and choose. sorry , just my 2 cents.