Quote from: big head horsey-face on May 24, 2014, 05:00:41 AM
I think its best if everyone avoided weddings. People should just cohabitate as  desired, less issues down the road.

Would be nice if it happened that way, my sister recently broke up with her partner of 20 years. Messy.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 24, 2014, 05:11:56 AM
Would be nice if it happened that way, my sister recently broke up with her partner of 20 years. Messy.

My family has bad luck with it other than one brother that has only married once and still married.  I've been through two, both sisters had two, oldest brother went through 5 and dad went through 4, lol.  I gave up on all that stuff at 30 years old. Just don't see a real future in it.

And sorry for the derail.

Quote from: big kim on May 24, 2014, 05:05:32 AM
Done my best to avoid them,3 weddings in 56 years(school friend 1981,sister 1983,nephew 2013) is pretty good going

Haha, 2 whole weddings and a reception for me.  Don't plan on going to anymore in the future, but if I was really compelled I guess I would make an exception.

Oh I love weddings! Sure, things could end badly but I'm willing to take that risk myself.

I don't understand why a trans person should avoid weddings though. I mean, if there is some personal reservation that's one thing but cis folk could have reservations too.

Short of it is, we've got just as much a right to be there as any other invited guest.

My last wedding was a very traditional Greek Orthodox, I, as all the women did, went to the altar to meet the family. I wasn't passing at all well. Had a blast.

Never ever avoid anything because you are trans. Face life because you are human, and be proud.

Sure, it's a very binary kind of event - the white dress, the suits, bridesmaids, the pre-wedding ritual gender bonding stuff.  Plenty of opportunities for awkward moments.

But it's also a family and friends affair.  Most likely, everyone there knows we're trans already.  They've got over it long ago.  Many of them will have seen us in our new genders before, and many will have seen us in our old genders.  Us being trans is not news to these people!  They will have seen photos, heard stories, and gotten over the shock already.  And those who haven't met you might be looking forward to the opportunity to do so.

And don't forget the fact that you received an invitation - meaning the happy couple wants you there.

In other words, nobody will be particularly surprised by us showing up.  And it'll make the next wedding, and the one after that, just non-events as far as being trans is concerned.

One rule I'd suggest though: if nobody knows you're trans, don't use the wedding as a way of coming out.  This is not the best place for your mother to see her "son" in a dress for the first time!  If being there will be a clear distraction, then perhaps avoid the ceremony itself.  There would be nothing worse than everyone staring at you instead of the bride.  But rock the reception!

I'm going to a wedding this summer (one I can't really say no to, we've been friends since middle school), and I've been having a hard time finding something to wear - I'm not out to them, so I can't dress too unconventional, but I also refuse buying a new suit, and the old one is too big. I also feel uncomfortable wearing it. I have a grey one which sort of fits, but the dress code is ideally black tie but at least a black suit.

I've decided on putting together an outfit which consist of only women's clothes but which will satisfy the requirements for male semiformal attire - a women's tuxedo jacket (they exist), dress pants, shirt-like blouse and a scarf knit more like a cravat. And a pair of nice earrings. It'll probably look a bit out of the ordinary, but they're used to me doing strange things. So this will just add to an already entertaining (in their eyes) list. I can break the news that I'm transitioning later, at least then they'll know something is up :-) .

I don't dance, so that's not a problem. I don't have a date, and if they pair me they will do so with a girl, but then I'm bisexual leaning towards girls anyway. So it doesn't bother me. It's not like random pairings in a wedding are meant to lead to anything.

I'd have more problems if these people were more formal though, or less accepting with strict demands of demeanor and adherence to social rules. If I were ever invited to a wedding like that, I'd probably find an excuse not to go. At least until I can pass and no one would notice anything.

(Edit: typo)

I've been to a number of weddings over the years and never had a problem deciding how to dress, I'm just one of the women there and dress for the occasion.
However, in a few months time I'm off to a wedding between a trans-woman friend of mine and her trans-woman fiancee. That one's going to be very interesting, but I shall dress just as I would for any other wedding... as the woman I am!

Caroline
x

Well go as you want to the wedding. I guaratee that if you are dressed en femme at the reception after an hour no one will care. Or go one way to the wedding and then about an hour into the reception show up dressed en femme.

Last wedding I went to was a few months ago, and I had already been a few months into hormones.  But yeah, I wore a causal male outfit, but it was a bit different.  I wore a navy blue Cashmere sportscoat with a light blue shirt, light kakhis and a pair of brown armani loafers.  It was fine for the atmosphere of this particular wedding,and I was at least able to dress differently then all the guys with their typical suit/tux look.  I guess I'm used to continuing the secret for now, so it's not a huge deal to me even though it hurts and feels uncomfortable presenting in a more traditional masculine way.  However, the most important thing was that I got to see one of my best friends getting married which was worth all of the awkward social anxiety I had that day.

If you aren't out yet, you may have to put up with dressing a certain way in order to continue to keep it a secret.  Or you could say screw it and dress the way you want to if you think the couple would be okay with that.  However, supporting whoever is getting married is most important.  Why avoid a wedding if it's someone important to you?   

I don't see why, unless they are far too triggering/GD inducing to cope with. The last one I went to was a few days after my 2nd hair zapping session so my face was still recovering. Looked slightly odd which combined with my longish hair in a more female style made me feel awkward. No one noticed anything worth mentioning though, but it was pre-HRT. Having to wear a suit made me quite grumpy and depressed the whole time though. Never liked suits, but since discovering that transitioning is a thing and that I don't have to be just transgender my whole life, suits have become even worse.

Personally I don't like weddings anyway. The sheer amount of gendering and enforcement of gender roles/expectation/presentation reminds me of one the things I hate the most about just about every society/culture that seems to have ever existed. It's not even related to my GD, just always looked at the world and hated what we do to ourselves and each other. As I transition and run into it even more, it just gets worse. The only redeeming factors are seeing people I care about, seeing them happy and interesting food.

Naomi

Simply, No.

I have mixed feelings about them, but no, I wouldn't avoid them.

Weddings can be triggering for me - I hate wearing suits, and it's the sort of event that I'd have fun putting an outfit together for if I transitioned.  Still, I go through the motions as a matter of respect for the couple, and as support.

Well. I guess one can always go dressed like this. If you're going to dress andro... maybe do it right.

I'm going to my first wedding next month, as a female.
Should be interesting.

I actually was the bridesmaid in a friend's wedding about a year post-transition. I didn't try to present androgynously, though, so that may not be quite what this thread was about; in fact, I re-wore my wife's bright red satin bridesmaid dress from a previous wedding. I didn't have any problems, though as someone else said, it was mostly friends who probably were kinder to me than strangers might be (the strangers who *were* there seemed nice enough as well!).

If invited I go.  I present female, if it isn't good enough for them, too bad, you shouldn't have invited me.  /shrug

-AM

I figure I would go but just present androgynous. I wouldn't push feminine boundaries any more than I have to (frilly stuff out of the question). I just want my level of transition to be congruent with my attire.

It's totally possible to pull it off and I'm actually more inspired to turn heads being dressed well, androgynously, instead of looking like a binary conforming unfashionable tool.

Quote from: Evelyn K on May 25, 2014, 06:42:07 PM
I figure I would go but just present androgynous. I wouldn't push feminine boundaries any more than I have to (frilly stuff out of the question). I just want my level of transition to be congruent with my attire.

It's totally possible to pull it off and I'm actually more inspired to turn heads being dressed well, androgynously, instead of looking like a binary conforming unfashionable tool.

I Like this i love your style.

Id just have three rules/guidelines ill follow.
1) invited
2) bride and groom are awhere of my being trans and what that entails as far as clothes.
3) NEVER not go because im trans, this is self emposing trans have no place in society.

oh and as an after thought, if all the men are at one side and women at the other DONT stand in the middle of the isle because you will be in the way. :p

If i went dressed like the above id probably stand with the men.
Because just as men shouldnt mean suit, suit doesnt mean man either. Id be stading as a suit with other suits.

Quote from: Androgynous_Machine on May 25, 2014, 05:54:05 PM
If invited I go.  I present female, if it isn't good enough for them, too bad, you shouldn't have invited me.  /shrug

-AM

I agree if they know what they are getting themselves into.  I have a wedding that I am going to be invited to in the fall of 2015.  By that time, I plan on living in an new place, and will most likely have been on hormones for about 15 months.  She would never uninvite me, but seeing as how 50 of her guests/wedding party will be former employees of mine who had not seen me in over a year, I feel like I could potentially be a major distraction on her day.  It isnt even a matter of acceptance (the groom has two moms), it is just the potential distraction.  I guess a lot depends on the level of "out" I achieve with everyone between now and then.  Also, if I am passable/stealth enough, I may go and just act like another guest that no one knows.  If I am not passable, and too deep in to go as male, I may not go out of respect for it being her day.