Ok I'm glad I saw this post. Learningtolive I share a lot of the same things you have said except the suicidal thoughts, I dealt with that when i was younger for other issues but I found out i love this world too much to leave. The good and the bad create a fantastically difficult story, idk what it is but I saw things in a new light. I also hate the concept of drugs A LOT but today here I am talking to my friends saying screw it time for drugs. Then I see this topic and it reaffirms I don't want to take that route I want to fight. Im so far away from the concept of transition right now. My friends that don't know are closing in on me but cant possible know what I'm going through and it hurts me not be able to tell them the full story. They all say take meds.

I've realized the biggest thing that would help in this, and its someone going through pretty much the  exact same thing right next to you. My friends are awesome but cant begin to understand or try/do the things i would want to do.

A note on fitness too, its actually besides working the only thing I can do. 2 hours a day to lose wright it clears my mind. It is also full female mode I guess for me, I really like my pink workout shoes too! But when I have a bad day I force my self to work out(cardiovascular and abs) and for the most part it goes away but only during it and alittle afterwards. Can't workout 24/7

Stay strong!  Hope this helps cause all the other replies helped me right now. And gave info on if at some point it is too bad and meds are required.

Look at a rainstorm; after its departure everything grows!- Bruce lee

Quote from: Lost in L on May 16, 2014, 02:22:45 PM
Ok I'm glad I saw this post. Learningtolive I share a lot of the same things you have said except the suicidal thoughts, I dealt with that when i was younger for other issues but I found out i love this world too much to leave. The good and the bad create a fantastically difficult story, idk what it is but I saw things in a new light. I also hate the concept of drugs A LOT but today here I am talking to my friends saying screw it time for drugs. Then I see this topic and it reaffirms I don't want to take that route I want to fight. Im so far away from the concept of transition right now. My friends that don't know are closing in on me but cant possible know what I'm going through and it hurts me not be able to tell them the full story. They all say take meds.

I've realized the biggest thing that would help in this, and its someone going through pretty much the  exact same thing right next to you. My friends are awesome but cant begin to understand or try/do the things i would want to do.

A note on fitness too, its actually besides working the only thing I can do. 2 hours a day to lose wright it clears my mind. It is also full female mode I guess for me, I really like my pink workout shoes too! But when I have a bad day I force my self to work out(cardiovascular and abs) and for the most part it goes away but only during it and alittle afterwards. Can't workout 24/7

Stay strong!  Hope this helps cause all the other replies helped me right now. And gave info on if at some point it is too bad and meds are required.

Look at a rainstorm; after its departure everything grows!- Bruce lee

Hey Lost in L,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch as well.  And I can understand what you mean by feeing isolated among the people in your life.  It's hard for people that aren't trans to understand what we are going through and what it feels like.  However, having a support system always helps.  Have you thought about telling some of your friends?  Come out when you are ready, but the support some of my friends have shown me has been nothing but amazing.  Also, this site was a great help and remains that way for me.  In any event, I hope you start to feel better and get through this.

As for me, I'm a little better.  I finally got a permanent job so that's really exciting news that I was in need of.  Things may be a mess and hard as hell, but at least the challenge of life just lessened a bit and my transition has more potential to start progressing again..  I'm trying to focus on the good that I have and be hopeful rather than seeing everything in terms of doom and gloom; although, I do really feel that way most of the time.  And I agree with how you feel about the drugs.  I'm still mixed and not wanting to do it, but I have to see my therapist in a few minutes, so I will see what she says to me.  Stil leaning towards no.

Quote from: kelly_aus on May 15, 2014, 04:21:44 PM
Prior to HRT, I should probably have been medicated for depression, but due to some issues in than past, refused. For the most part, the issue was no relief from depression, just a bunch of side effects.  Within a few weeks of starting hormones, I found my depression had faded away - which is why I 'joke' that hormones are the best anti-depressing I've ever used.

Yeah, like I said before, I can't relate with that, but I think it's awesome that hormones did that for other people.  Oddly enough, I feel even more dysphoric about my body with the hormones and my anxiety has been increasing lately.  I guess it's all just the pressure of having to soon face my biggest fears by facing the world which I'm not ready for at this time.    It's weird but going full time and finalizing my transition is something I desperately want and yet it scares the living hell out of me at the same time to deal with it.

I've been taking seroquel for over a year, for insomnia and depression/anxiety. It puts me to sleep but it also makes me a bit of a zombie during the day which I absolutely hate. I've been trying to get off of it but doctors are like "every drug that treats insomnia is also a sedative antidepressant!"

I was taking topamax for night terrors but I stopped that. and I was taking wellbutrin which helped me to form speech better, it improved my language ability, but I also stopped that.

I've tried maybe like 10 other antidepressants none of which lasted very long either because of nausea side effects or because of lack of affect. I would really love to be totally off these drugs, but unfortunately that hasn't been very practical.

Learningtolive, grats on the joband feeling better! Progress is progress. I have gotten a little better I've been on a constant diet of positive thinking literature and mental forcing of myself to not go to dark places. I have also gone to listening to a lot of inspiring music. So far its been better. But I have still moments of gender issues and now I have started to really hate my body though. I have a severe anxiety right now over doing anything out of my comfort zone( which is very small) I couldnt make a call to set up an appointment for hair removal. I freak out to much.

One thing I had really bad starting out was looking into the future and spinning tales of failure. I forced myself to just stop, and look at the now. It is still hard. I still don't know if I will ever have to take any meds but I have such a Passion not to that I'm hoping that can surpass the need for meds.i But idk we will see. I know that it is needed by others. My mom I know takes some. If you have to do it then do what you need to do.

when I grew up as a tiny boy lead to be a girl there are a lot of coping skills I didn't learn that boys (and girls) usually learn. How could I not be depressed and anxious?

Meds have really helped me. The first time I took an ssri I felt something for the first time in years. They flood your brain with seratonin and you feel a narrow range of kinda happy. That feeling has to be better than what you normally feel. If its not than you may feel numb.

Now I take celexa, Xanax, propranolol and adderall. They work. They make me feel much less emotion. But that lets  me function in a way I couldn't before.

I will probably decrease the celexa in the next few years, but I will take phych meds for as long as they help.

Psych meds are loaded with opinions but you never know if they will help until you try.

When i went on them i was very nervous and wary. But in the end i can see It was good for me to put trust in my psychiatrist. It was good for me to have hope while I waited to find the right drug/dosage/combination, etc.

I felt so excited the first time I got on an elevator and waited for the fear to rise and it didn't. That was the drug s.

Now I get in an elevated and smile cause I know I will be okay.

I just want to say this: I have seen many instances of people saying they feel "numb" while on these types of meds. In my case, this never happened. The only time I have felt this "numbness" was when I was originally getting ready to come out as trans. I also want to point out that I am not mentioning this as a way to be a "cheerleader" for the use of these drugs. I am as skeptical as they come. I even fought against the idea of using any drugs of these types in the beginning. But once I found the right drugs (and it took no time to do that), I got my life back. I don't live in fear like I did for the previous year and a half as I did before. I don't go two and three days without sleep anymore. I can finally have consistent sleep patterns again. I am not in anyway "mentally numb". Things got back to normal.

I took some things in the past because I was depressed and them convinced a psych that I was bipolar, but once I admitted the truth to myself almost all of the tension went away. Now I don't take anything, and feel about as content and stable as I've ever been by far.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 10, 2014, 12:31:46 PMI don't want to be a zombie.  Plus I've tried it in the past and all I got was a dependency on a med that does nothing other than give me withdrawls when I stop.

Try not to think of it as being a zombie. It's a common misconception that anti-psychotics will change someone's personality. That's usually because people act a certain way when they're experiencing difficulties with anxeity, functioning, etc., but upon successful treatment with medication they might act a little different because they're able to function and be happy for once.

I have to take an anti-histamine in the spring for allergies. I don't think taking a medication for depression or anxiety is any different. My nose is too sensitive and get stuffy when it shouldn't for whatever reason, and maybe your brain tells you to be too nervous when you shouldn't be for whatever reason.

Also there are many, many medications out there. One may be pretty bad for you and another might work great.

Quote from: teeg on May 30, 2014, 12:10:22 PM
Try not to think of it as being a zombie. It's a common misconception that anti-psychotics will change someone's personality. That's usually because people act a certain way when they're experiencing difficulties with anxeity, functioning, etc., but upon successful treatment with medication they might act a little different because they're able to function and be happy for once.

I have to take an anti-histamine in the spring for allergies. I don't think taking a medication for depression or anxiety is any different. My nose is too sensitive and get stuffy when it shouldn't for whatever reason, and maybe your brain tells you to be too nervous when you shouldn't be for whatever reason.

Also there are many, many medications out there. One may be pretty bad for you and another might work great.

It's true there are many meds, but I tried lexapro, paxil and cymbalta.  It just kind of disillusioned me on the whole process. In all honesty, I probably should be on something though.  I got a feeling that it's going to get pushed on me by my therapist soon enough.

It's really hard to predict which medications are going to help which people. It feels bad to be pressured about it by mental health professionals. I try to approach them either with a drug or class of drugs in mind, or if I think reading about it ahead of time is too unhealthy for me I go in with a symptom or two that I find most troubling and want to prioritize. I try to be optimistic and patient with any prescriptions, but some of them are just awful.

Whether you take drugs or not you probably need a focus or a good narrative if you are going to get anywhere. Having a new job and talking here are good things. When I have a hard time I have to pay attention to really small stuff, moment to moment to moment. Drugs work best for me when I'm trying to make sense of all the discrete details as they come along. Like when big existential fears and bills and where will I be next year and who do I talk to etc is looming, I have to notice right here and now how the trees look and what the traffic sounds like and what color my shirt is and so on and it makes a scaffold for believably deciding over and over that right now isn't that bad. Or if it is bad, it is a passing moment. Or an abstraction. Or whatever helps.

Quote from: Felix on May 31, 2014, 03:29:46 AM
It's really hard to predict which medications are going to help which people. It feels bad to be pressured about it by mental health professionals.

Well, in my case, it wasn't really "pressure". They were merely suggesting this. But, being the stubborn person that I am, I would just shoot them down right away. I had this attitude of "all anti depressants are bad and I am NOT touching that stuff." So, I was looking for other ways to deal with my problems (chronic panic attacks and phantom pains), by any other means possible. I tried every OTC med I could find to help me sleep and nothing was working. I reluctantly tried Trazadone twice. It sucked both times and only worked on one night out of the month I was on it. It was a broken up month, though, and not a consistent 4 weeks. But the side effects from that drug made me stop taking it. (manic spells, swelling of my feet that was so bad one night that I had to struggle to get my shoes and socks off). But once I found the right drug to replace that, I was fine.