I was in a goood mood earlier, cause I was chatting to this guy online (I'm gayyy) and he was majorly flirting with me, and calling me a man the whole time, and I was just so pleased, to finally be who I actually am and it was so great. And then I had to go, and I went up to the washroom to put on my face cream stuff (I have rosacea, the cream is for that) and I caught a look at myself in the mirror and it was just like BOOOOOOBS and completely killed my joy. I have really awful chest dysphoria, really awful, like to the point where (and I'm a little tentative and embarrassed to admit this) I sometimes catch myself wishing I had breast cancer just so I could have them gone. I stopped wearing a bra, as of about two weeks ago and it helps a little bit. I can't wear a binder, because I just find them so uncomfortable and awkward  >.<  And the boobs are like, somewhere between C and D, so they are not tiny.

But anyways, I shaved my face, and that made me feel a bit better, more like me, and it made me smile and I just, I looked at myself in the mirror with the shaving cream half off, and then I just SMILED, I smiled SO HARD and I had an epiphany moment. I'm 29, and I've been living in the body of a female, and I just hate it. And the whole time, I really didn't care about upkeep, like I didn't care about the rosacea, and I didn't care if I worked out, or if I got fat, and I just really did not give a ->-bleeped-<- about my body. But since I've started to really see myself as male, as what I'm supposed to me, I've started to really care. I mean, I find that I want to change, I want to workout and dress nice and I really care now about how I look as a guy, and I want to put the effort into it.

And it's more than that even, I find I'm more active in my environment, I used to hate cleaning, and I didn't care if there was junk eeverywhere, but now it's like... I'm cleaning every day. I've deep-cleaned about 4 rooms of my house (It's a big old farmhouse type, with like, 13 rooms, I'm about half done the downstairs) and I'm actually excited to continue it tomorrow. It's almost midnight here right now, and I'm thinking mayyybe I could clean just the one more thing... And it's so ODD, like a complete 360.

The only drawback, is that my partner is lazy like I used to be, and now I'm up doing stuff and I get annoyed a lot easier because I've done a ton of ->-bleeped-<- over the pass week and he has maybe cooked supper twice, with several broken promises to do the dishes, and take the laundry upstairs (Like today, where he promised this morning, he would do dishes, and it's almost midnight and he hasn't made a move toward the kitchen yet).



SIDE NOTE: Before anyone goes jumping on for flirty with a guy, when I already have a Partner, we're in an open relationship, so he's actually cool with it, and it's stuff that we've talked about extensively.

That's awesome! Congrats!

I completely understand on the breast dysphoria. I've kind of wished that myself haha. Are you maybe trying too small of a binder? I know I kept thinking I needed mediums because I'm not very broad and I'm fortunate to only have B to C cup size but really I needed a large to fit right. the slight bulge just makes me look buff, haha. That's really good about the self image thing coming to light though. You'll really feel better the more you work out. If you focus on upper strength that'll help a lot too in the breast reduction. not entirely, but somewhat. Just gotta work hard and be all the more sexy for it .

As for the lazy partner, i'd maybe talk to them about how you're working on getting in shape and getting better and you'd like them to join you in this awesome experience. If they don't that's unfortunate. But definitely talk to them about it!

Have you tried a waist trimmer as a binder? a bigger one to go over the pair? their ajustable so you cant choose a Comfort level.

And I Smile in the mirror too now. and felt the same before. Its amazing how, their is no desire to live before. But now we feel so much better about our selve. Knowing where we`re going help us to cope with wear we are.

smiles

I actually cant afford a proper binder, so I've been using a waist trimmer as one.
Also it's like, if I wear a binder, then I really notice I'm wearing a binder and reminded whyyy I'm wearing a binder and it gets me all upset  >.<  So mostly, I just let them be, with no bra or binder and pretend that they are manly boobs, like that overweight fellow from Fight Club.

I can't stop touching my face  xD  I'm actually really proud of myself, because I haven't shaved in a looong time, like YEARS AND YEARS, because my arm and leg hair just doesn't grow at all, ever, so I never needed to. I used to shave my face as a little kid, when my dad and brother would do it (early early signs of my wanting to be a guy) and I remembered everything on how to do it. And I DIDN"T CUT MYSELF. Not even once 

I have lost a bit of weight and I have some arm muscle now, which is nice. Although I do have a dreadful worry about loose skin, since I have two little kids, which I had very close together, and so I have all this pregnancy tummy skin leftover, and damnit, I don't just wanna be a guy, I wanna be a seeexy guy!

And wow it's hard to type that 'p' word in relation to me.

It's so cool when you start feeling happy with yourself. I have actually noticed the same things about myself. Like suddenly I am actually putting an effort into my appearance and I'm doing more chores and such. It's so nice.

And I totally understand about the chest dysphoria. When it was all over the news that Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy to prevent cancer my first reaction was jealousy. And I felt so bad about that.