This is just a rant about what happened earlier today. Final exams are around the corner and I'm trying to turn in make up assignments and study at the same time so I can graduate. I deal with depression and it seems like everyday it's hard just trying to get out of the bed. I feel like I'm just drained. I don't have a lot of energy to do anything and I'm stressed out. I'm in my room getting a towel so I can take a shower. I hear a knock on my door and my mom comes in asking me a question about something. I answer her, but after that she wants to ask me why it seems like every time she talks to me I answer her like I'm in pain. First of all, I am in pain. Every day. And it takes a lot of strength not to kill myself. So I tell her no I don't answer her like that. After that she tells me I act so nice to her when I want something, but after I get it I act mean to her. That is a load of crap. I don't act nice to people to get what I want and then act like that. That is not at all my personality. I never beg her to do anything for me. Compared to other kids who constantly beg their parents to buy them stuff, I barely ask my parents for anything. Really the only time I ask for stuff is on my birthday and I don't even really ask for stuff for Christmas. This is not the first time she's accused me of this. Because I don't like confrontation I walk out of the room to take a shower. I close the door and meanwhile she's outside saying after I graduate I can leave if I want and blah blah blah. I tell her to shut up because at this point I've lost it. So she tried to open the door and I closed it and locked it before she could get in. Afterwards my father tells me that telling her to shut up was wrong and that I should have counted instead. When you're in the heat of the moment you're first instinct is not to count. Are you serious? I'm beginning to feel like I'm going through all this pain for nothing. And that life will never get better for me. When you are depressed it's hard enough to do ordinary things like get out of bed and shower and eat. Why do I have to go through this? All I wanted to do today was finish some assignments for school and study but I don't even have the energy for that. I'm a senior and I will be taking a year off just so I can think with a clear head about what I want to do. I'm just pissed off. My mom wants to play victim all the time and I'm sick of it. She told me not to ask her for anything anymore and that's fine. No one said being a parent was easy. She won't ever have to worry about me asking her for anything again.

Are you ok?
It doesnt seem like you are but the truth is, im not asking a question i dont know the answer to. Im asking a question in hopes i get a reply.

I'm still upset. It's one problem after another and I'm frankly I'm just tired. After I took my shower I went downstairs and heard the rest of my family having a conversation about me. Before I came into the room I heard my father say something about sexuality issues. I have tried to explain for I don't know how many times that this has nothing to do with sexuality issues. I don't even see the point in trying to educate them anymore. I want my life to be better than this, but I'm just stuck. I don't want my college years to be like my high school years. What they don't understand is that going through this life wearing a mask is not easy. I just want to be able to take the mask off and allow people to see the real me. Not some depressed person. But they don't get that.

I Cant say I know how you feel. I Dont.

As far as your mother and the being nice when you want somthing.

My dad accused me of this all the time.
But for me i realised why he thought this. It was because every time I went to speak to him I was hiding how I felt. He saw a smiely happy person when ever I came out of my room.
When ever he came into my room though, different story. He saw me without my mask. He saw a realy misserable, upset, angry person. Exspecialy first thing on a morning after I woke up to the same lieing body. The same exspections and the same misserable acknowlegment I couldnt be the son he wanted.

I started pointing out it wasnt him I was angry at. Told him I Didnt want to argue. This was before I came out though. Have you asked your mothey why she thinks that about you?

And id start by saying to your familily that you understand he doesnt understand, but he never will if he doesnt try. And talking about you and not to you wont help anything. Dont put them on the stop though, aproach your mother first when you get the chance. Tell her you dont want to be angry all the time. Exsplain some of the thing that make you angry. Some of the things you hate about yourself and how antill you change some off them, this anger isnt going to go away.

I Hope this might be a little help.

I understand this all too well. This was me up until about last year or so.

Every time I would talk to someone it'd come out sharp, i didn't want to be bothered. My parents stopped expecting anything out of me when i was 18-19 years old. I'd go between jobs, try to go to school but drop out, I was a mess everywhere I went. I still havent patched anything with my parents and I still overhear conversations about me. ->-bleeped-<- my cousin got drunk at Christmas a couple years ago and started blurting out to the entire family she thought I must've been raped because I'm really messed up.

I can't say things will get better any time soon. It's going to seem hopeless to all hell and transitioning in of itself just looks like a giant immeasurable hurdle on top of everything else. All I can say is keep going strong, because you ARE worth it. Even if you've lost your faith in yourself, there will be a reason for you to be alive, there probably is right now and you just don't see it. Try your best (I know that's asking a lot) to focus on your dreams whatever they are. Never let them go, no matter how small. Even if you lose grip on them, find them again and grip harder. Things are dark for us, but they get brighter, much brighter. You'll appreciate this pain later, because of the man you will become later will be that much stronger and more fierce because of what you've endured.

Keep your chin up bro, you got this. Vent if you need to vent, cry if you need to cry, one day this will be in the rear view mirror.

Just my two cents as a parent, but it's possible that your mom is just insecure? I wouldn't say she's trying to upset you, but maybe she's worried about you (moms intuition- We just know when something is wrong, even if we don't know what it is), doesn't know what to do about it, and needs to either find a way to help you, or be reassured that she's doing the best she can as a parent.

I could be wrong, and that's sort of a heavy thing to put on your kid, but parent or not, she's still just human.

She probably doesn't even mean the bit about you not asking her for stuff, but it's her inappropriately lashing out as an emotional response to what she percieves as your rejection.

I don't know if you find this helpful at all, but I hope you do.
I'd suggest maybe giving her a day or two, then talking to her one on one and maybe be honest and tell her that you're in pain. She might have some suggestions to help, and it might make you feel better to talk with her.

Sorry you're feeling that way, mate. I hope you're feeling better today.
After reading your story I was left with one question, though. Why weren't you honest with your mom when she inquired if you were in pain? Your mom seemed to show genuine interest and concern, and you brushed her off. I'm by no means old and wise, but I did learn that communicating and being honest, even about how you feel, within a family is very important. It creates a more thorough understanding.

Also, it seems like you are undermining your mom's feelings. Whether she is right or not about you being mean after you got what you want is irrelevant. To -her- it feels that way. That's her emotion. And you can never tell someone their emotion is incorrect. Please try to see it from her point of view as well. It will take years to learn that, but is very important.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, not matter how often you tried to explain what is hurting you to your parents, don't give up. Be honest and open about it. If you are in pain, let them know. Take them to a therapist, do some research on the internet etc just to educate them. It seems like your family is genuinely concerned about you, and that means they care. Don't throw that away.

Thanks for the replies. I'm trying to keep my head up but it is hard. Dealing with depression is hard  enough but the fact that I'm probably not going to graduate on time and have to go to summer is just one more thing on my plate. I'm just tired. I'm barely able to concentrate in school.

When you are at your lowest don't worry about tomorrow that will come. Focus on getting through the day today, try to get what you need to have done finished but sit back and compartmentalize. Take life in small chunks that way you won't get as overwhelmed. This doesn't have anything to do with what your mother said but hopefully it will see you through today and then tomorrow.