I'm finally up in GA and living with my mom, which is making things much better. Before I know I was kind of in a bad spot. I was depressed and stuck in a sleath mode. I haven't really told this to my mom yet, but I still have that depression. It hasn't gone away and it comes more when I am being referred to as female (I rather hear gender neutral terms instead of female ones)

I understand where she is coming from. I was taken from her when I was born and raised by my grandma. She got to see me some times, but after divorcing my (rather abusive) father, she was never allowed to see me again. After all these years, I started talking to her again (after my bull attack) and I told her. I barely started to talk to her and I told her. I haven't told my father and I doubt I ever will.

Anyways, I know I have blocked out a lot of my past, mainly traumatic events in my life (not going to go into really deep detail because I don't remember most of them). Another thing is my sister has seen the signs of it as we were growing up. No, we were not raised together, but we are very close.

I'm just wondering if maybe I blocked out my past to pretend that I was female or if it was the opposite. I'm not sure if anyone else has anything similar to this, but maybe I can just figure out who I am instead of this faux persona I show.

I haven't blocked anything out, but I have acknowledged my past now and am striving to make peace with it. My past did give me the tools to deal with transition and going full time with the skills I learned so I am not sorry it happened. I don't know if this helps though. I do know from dealing with others when they make peace with it and realize it can't hurt them anymore they remember more of it with less pain. Maybe I am just rambling here. 

There is a lot of my past I don't remember. I'm working slowly with a therapist to heal. I don't know if that means remember all there is to know. I do know that it was doing that work that lead me to here. Understanding how I think and react made me realize more about who I am. And in realizing that memories have been coming back. Like remembering that I always used to get in the boys line in school and wanting to use the boys bathroom.

I was really worried that my therapist would think that my gender dysphoria was about my abuse. It's not. What we have both come to is I went through rotten stuff AND I had gender dysphoria. It's really hard to untangle it and it doesn't all need to be figured out right now.

Does that help at all?