Let me first say this my lesson on my own life and i NO WAY THIS IS ROAD MAP FOR OTHERS .. If you have not had reached the spot where depression and suicide has meet than this will be hard to understand for most . 3 years of my life was walking in mental mud so thick that 3 hours at time was exhausting and that it requiring nap just to make it to next 3 hours of hell.Even now at 95% of normal i will carry my past as scare on my soul ,health and impact on my love ones .We as normal people see sleep as tool to dream and enjoy the down time .But for me it was time when pain and pressure of being walking dead was finally turned off .The (dark side) is what i call my mental trip i took and doing this allows me to put it in neat box (the male needs to do this).Once you have been on dark side you can read it on others like tattoo .My eyes are no different than yours as they don,t know how to lie. I am a smart person as most and you think after cleaning up 2 suicide in my circle of family and close friend the chance of going there myself would been zero .Do you remember when you where young kid and got separated from you parents ??That scared as hell feeling ..NOW try it as adult with all safe stuff turned off ... After my wife and great doctor took this empty hull called me and put meds ,love and give me the rope to pull myself out of the mud .Life turned around but it was longggggg journey .Ok lets move to last week.I was watching video of ladys transition that mirrored my journey and same time panned down for comments .It said to bad she killed her self and next one said she jumped off bridge ... I lost it and started crying like hell because i had not faced my own walk off the overpass .I did get to the bridge but something strong came to me and spared me from the final step(god, my wife,s whisper ,a moment of what the hell are you doing ) .My wife crashed into room as i am loosing it and crying out control as i am dealing with all this pain that my male side had put in the box of suicide.I had never told her of any of this ...It was hard for her to hear but she set there holding me and took it in ... As i write this. It in it self is healing PART OF BEING on the journey called life .. I am better ,health ,and alive .. AKA Sara     

  Sara I totally understand where you have been, I to know that place--intimately---it is not a place where anyone would ever want to go.I am slowly crawling back as you know thanks to you and many others here.
Being TS is cakewalk compared to dealing with the other issues in life, they are unrelenting and burden your mind till chaos takes control and you start that spiral down .We were both saved by those who care, mine was an angel sent in the nick of time yours was family--we are both blessed-- with people who care.    Patty   

Quote from: fusstangtroy on May 28, 2014, 11:31:21 PM
3 years of my life was walking in mental mud so thick that 3 hours at time was exhausting and that it requiring nap just to make it to next 3 hours of hell.Even now at 95% of normal i will carry my past as scare on my soul ,health and impact on my love ones .We as normal people see sleep as tool to dream and enjoy the down time .But for me it was time when pain and pressure of being walking dead was finally turned off .   
But for me it was time when pain and pressure of being walking dead was finally turned off .The (dark side) is what i call my mental trip i took and doing this allows me to put it in neat box (the male needs to do this).Once you have been on dark side you can read it on others like tattoo .My eyes are no different than yours as they don,t know how to lie.

I can relate with this 110% I also suffer from entering that dark side.  In fact often when I don't have my children I have a very difficult time as night approaches....its difficult to be in such a dark place and then latterly have the darkness set in. I also call my days the back hole days. I am strong like you though and will not take my life. I can't say for sure I won't though, I do fear one day the darkness will set in so bad that I may feel better just leaving this world. I do help myself by realizing that so many others have such a much more difficult life than mine! I have my health, my children are also healthy, I have a roof over my head, nothing tragic has happened in my life and I do feel I am loved by my children.

It still hurts so much that I am not able have the love and intimacy of someone special in my life, and that I'm not liked by most people. Many on here (even myself at times) wonder how people see them visual or if they pass.....I don't concern myself too much with how I appear but I wonder so much of how people view me as a woman, coworker, friend or just a human being. I wish I could see what there seeing, because I must not be displaying the type of person I truly am inside.

yes, it seems to be a common experience amongst transgenders