Ok dear friends I have to admit that I am struggling with this.  It's a big problem for me, always has been.

How do you cope with living authentically and dealing with all these new feelings?  Or maybe its old if you always had the courage to be you.

There are some specific folks that I am having more of a hard time dealing with than others, its the bully type.  Its also folks I really care about but did not know I was  trans.

I should be better that that, wanting to change presentation to please others that are not my wife and children, but I still feel fairly raw.

Nails out, hair down, and one day at a time.  It takes a lot just for me to have the guts to have my nails.

I seem to post a lot hopefully I am not doing it too much, I seem to crave the attention.  Another one for the shrink.... but even in here, I seek that validation, that people pleasing, that need for human nurturing and approval in and of my true identity.  And in here, I get a lot of that need met.

I have a great deal of respect for everyone here.

God Bless and so many thanks. 

Thank God my wife can accept my GQ reality and presentation, even though I  tone it down a bit.

All I can say is simply live your life. Stop worrying about meeting the expectations of others and society. Just be you and stop thinking about being different from others. You are not different, just who you are. Just do what feels right to you and stop thinking about how you are acting. Don't think of your actions and emotions as feminine per say, think of them as real, honest and tangible. 

I've had that experience both times I came out. It took a while to reach a point of what I call "unapologetic acceptance." I accepted myself, as gay and then as trans, but I was still apologetic in my acceptance. Like "yeah, I'm gay, I know that offends a lot of people now let me tell you why it's not a sin. Or let me tell you how I feel so that you understand and accept it." Or "yeah, I'm trans, I realize that's hard for many people to accept or understand, but I am happy to answer rude/invasive/unnecessary questions if it educates you." Or I'd "tone it down" in a lot of places to avoid offended people. Finally I got to the point where I was like "I like girls, I don't like guys, that's that." Or "I'm a man, I've got nothing to prove to you."

My best advice would be just keep doing your thing, and try to push your boundaries a little (not to the point where you are uncomfortable, just so that you're expressing yourself more even when it's scary). You'll reach a point where you no longer feel the need to please, nor do you care. Eventually you'll reach a point where you'll think "I can wear whatever I want and if someone else doesn't like it it's THEIR problem."

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 21, 2014, 01:29:32 PM
All I can say is simply live your life. Stop worrying about meeting the expectations of others and society. Just be you and stop thinking about being different from others. You are not different, just who you are. Just do what feels right to you and stop thinking about how you are acting. Don't think of your actions and emotions as feminine per say, think of them as real, honest and tangible. 

Definately this. I gotta suck up to the global moderator so I don't get on the naughty list. Besides Jessica as a cool name, have no reason why though.

But seriously the only person you have to be comfortable with is yourself and like Jessica said think of your emotions as not femenine but honest, true and natural emotions from your heart.

Yes thank God your wife is accepting, that is love and even toning it down. How many of us have lost wives that can't accept even a little femininity in us? (raises own hand but no biggy though). Wish I could have nails but I still wear nail polish though. You don't have to please or be accepted by anyone but yourself and your wife since she is accepting you as is.

As for craving attention Satinjoy, no need for a shrink for that some crave attention some don't. Just like some folks love crowds and other don't and so on. It is just your personality.

I got the Evil Eye from my wife from just wearing colored/flavored chapstick.. no, I'm not kidding..

Now, wearing my Vera Wang jeans, that look just like Levi's skinny/straight leg guy-cut jeans, but with a different tag, sends my wife into standard orbit around Veridian III.


oh, and I just returned from the dermatologist, had three (well, two medium, one large) moles removed from alongside my eye, and nose.. so this.. will prob send her into the Gamma Quadrant..

Quote from: Paula Christine on May 21, 2014, 02:46:49 PM
I got the Evil Eye from my wife from just wearing colored/flavored chapstick.. no, I'm not kidding..

Now, wearing my Vera Wang jeans, that look just like Levi's skinny/straight leg guy-cut jeans, but with a different tag, sends my wife into standard orbit around Veridian III.

That kind of sux. Maybe she's just jealous. Ever though of that? Watch out for that evil eye, it can cause real damage, especially to your back when you have to sleep on the couch.

We've slept apart for quite a while now (couple yrs at least..)she tends to ffall asleep in front of the tv in the family room, I'm upstairs..  but it may be once/twice a week we're lying in the same bed, miles apart.

but def -not- jealous, maybe of me being able to fix things around the house, but that's it.

Miss Satinjoy

Are you sure it is validation and/or people pleasing that you doing/seeking?
I'm not sure but I think that what your realy wanting to do, is help some people your care about understand a little about what your going through, in hopes that their not as ignorant of it and can possibly be more considerate.

People pleasing? Isn't that what everybody who care about people want to do? Do we not tell jokes, and stories, and all sorts of other thing to people that are close to us. Do we not do this to entertain ourselves aswell as others? Is this not done to make life better?
I think you only notice what you do, and at times forget why.

Life is hard, its not ment to be gone through alone. This is why we talk to people, get to know people, let people get to know us. All your doing is talking in attempts to hopfully make life better for yourself and thouse around you, I think your biggest concern is those who will not listen.

Your too hard on yourself at times I think.

Quote from: Paula Christine on May 21, 2014, 03:08:23 PM
We've slept apart for quite a while now (couple yrs at least..)she tends to ffall asleep in front of the tv in the family room, I'm upstairs..  but it may be once/twice a week we're lying in the same bed, miles apart.

but def -not- jealous, maybe of me being able to fix things around the house, but that's it.

I hate to hijack Satinjoy's thread but divorce was the best thing that I ever experienced. For me it was more comfort than love and when I realized that I was gone.

For us (collectively, figuratively) I guess we know that separating, is the only way to stop adding hurt minute by minute.  Doesn't make it any less painful, just stops compounding it.

Quote from: Paula Christine on May 21, 2014, 03:58:02 PM
For us (collectively, figuratively) I guess we know that separating, is the only way to stop adding hurt minute by minute.  Doesn't make it any less painful, just stops compounding it.

I hear you Paula. It sometimes takes a while but inevitably it happens and seems to come in stages until one day....

you poor things

That fear was the cause of the two breakdowns, the long night on Susans trying to stay sane, and it was awful.  For me, and I know it is a huge blessing and I am sensitive about it with others not as fortunate, but for me, with acceptance and a lot of intercession, that fear is finally gone.  But that has much to do with my wife's comfort zone intersecting my physical dysphoria comfort zone so that there is little sacrifice, and much love for the sacrifice- or rather the accomodations- that we do make.  The fear disintegrated when I realized I could be quite happy non binary, and that the non binary state was in a place of total truth, not forced - I do not need full outward transition to be happy, not personally, it was the luck of the draw for my type of transsexuality experience.

So here I am out showing an andro or GQ appearance and not repressing.  At work, Two have been supportive, one is being an absolute ass and is doing the closeout or shunning thing, actually the correct word is snubbing.  Its like all of a sudden, the real friends are revealed, the folks with hangups are exposed, and the jerks are also revealed.

I wish I could say I don't care what people think.  I feel we all care rather deeply.  Especially loaded up with estrogen.  But I also get that the one thing any of us can do for ourselves is to live true.  And that helps other trans.

But you girls, and boys, and the rest of us, must have some amazing strength to be genuine and out there.  I am in awe.

Love the posts, hope we have more, not just for me but for all of us here.

Love to all

Quote from: Satinjoy on May 21, 2014, 04:21:11 PM
you poor things

That fear was the cause of the two breakdowns, the long night on Susans trying to stay sane, and it was awful.  For me, and I know it is a huge blessing and I am sensitive about it with others not as fortunate, but for me, with acceptance and a lot of intercession, that fear is finally gone.  But that has much to do with my wife's comfort zone intersecting my physical dysphoria comfort zone so that there is little sacrifice, and much love for the sacrifice- or rather the accomodations- that we do make.  The fear disintegrated when I realized I could be quite happy non binary, and that the non binary state was in a place of total truth, not forced - I do not need full outward transition to be happy, not personally, it was the luck of the draw for my type of transsexuality experience.

So here I am out showing an andro or GQ appearance and not repressing.  At work, Two have been supportive, one is being an absolute ass and is doing the closeout or shunning thing, actually the correct word is snubbing.  Its like all of a sudden, the real friends are revealed, the folks with hangups are exposed, and the jerks are also revealed.

I wish I could say I don't care what people think.  I feel we all care rather deeply.  Especially loaded up with estrogen.  But I also get that the one thing any of us can do for ourselves is to live true.  And that helps other trans.

But you girls, and boys, and the rest of us, must have some amazing strength to be genuine and out there.  I am in awe.

Love the posts, hope we have more, not just for me but for all of us here.

Love to all

Aww Satinjoy, you are extremely lucky in that love between you and your spouse. I am lucky in that divorce was the best thing for me. I am nothing but happy for you that it worked out for ya'll.

No I have no amazing strength or anything else, I am a scared little girl at times. I just had to do what I had to do for me selfish or not. I do have someone amazing in my life that just accepts me as me. I would never have experienced that without the "D" word. Pretty much I am nonbinary but lean heavily toward female thinking, preferences, emotions and looks or preferred looks anyway.

Nothing to be in awe for because you have the strength and courage yourself. I learned just how much it actually takes yesterday to tell someone else, I never could the ex but my girlfriend knows and knew all along and identifies really well. Believe me I was fretting so much over it and it really turned into no big deal and this person suspected all along. Go figure, huh? So now my dysphoria isn't as bad as it was getting and I feel more like my old self again. But OMG the freakin' fear beforehand.

I identify as genderfluid, and I have a similar feeling. I attribute it to the unknown, not knowing who's going to be confused, who's going to be accepting, and who's going to snub me.

I already know who does and doesn't accept the me that I've shown to the world for 23 years, and it took me most of those 23 years to be okay with being a strange, dreamy, and emotionally clumsy person who doesn't suit everyone's tastes. A part of me wonders why I should throw in anything else people can clash with me over or make myself any new enemies after I've already spent so long in hiding. Why reveal more ugliness in the world and in people's attitudes when I already see it in everything from Youtube comments to overheard conversations in coffee shops to my mother's obsession with foreigners and minorities?

It's a terrible way to live, but all that nagging voice in me needs is the knowledge that I could.

There's also confusion as to how to express something that, ever since childhood ended, I've only expressed in fiction or in dreams.

SJ,

I've lived my life eager to please others, on occasion sacrificing myself.  I've learnt over the years to draw a line - to not risk my own personal health and sanity.  Sometimes, people you know and care about are toxic, and in those circumstances it's best to have some distance.

Remember, there's no pleasing everyone.

Quote from: Pitch on May 21, 2014, 11:52:08 PM
There's also confusion as to how to express something that, ever since childhood ended, I've only expressed in fiction or in dreams.

Nothing wrong with expressing in fiction and dreams. Fiction brings its own shape to things that let us think about them more systematically and clearly. The best fiction I have read has changed my life as has the best I have written. I often feel that life is more limiting than a good story.

As for trying to please people, that's always been a strange one for me because I have often found that I have pleased people most when I have pleased myself and that if people aren't pleased, they often catch on in the end.

Quote from: Pica Pica on May 29, 2014, 05:14:55 PM
Nothing wrong with expressing in fiction and dreams. Fiction brings its own shape to things that let us think about them more systematically and clearly. The best fiction I have read has changed my life as has the best I have written. I often feel that life is more limiting than a good story.

Expressing myself through fiction, unfortunately, doesn't make my actual body or society any easier on me. Which is the problem.

For me I am very much scared of telling people, and worried about what their reactions might be. As such I pretty much hid it all away since puberty, which now I realise wasn't the best idea as its had a pretty bad affect on me. Well now I'm trying to learn to balance hiding it with letting my feminine side out a little, which sort of worked until I got really dysphoric xD
Anyway, its strange, I feel like I just want people to know, and people knowing is a big deal to me, I just don't understand why. I am androgyne, why does telling people matter?
Well, guess I'm still coming to terms with things.

It takes a while dear, and keep coming and posting.  I had 15 months of therapy and 30 years of AA experience to get to this point, and it came down to just stepping out and being real in spite of my fears.

Quote from: Fiere on May 30, 2014, 03:13:21 AM
For me I am very much scared of telling people, and worried about what their reactions might be. As such I pretty much hid it all away since puberty, which now I realise wasn't the best idea as its had a pretty bad affect on me. Well now I'm trying to learn to balance hiding it with letting my feminine side out a little, which sort of worked until I got really dysphoric xD
Anyway, its strange, I feel like I just want people to know, and people knowing is a big deal to me, I just don't understand why. I am androgyne, why does telling people matter?
Well, guess I'm still coming to terms with things.

Fiere

I think that if you understand yourself and you choose the people who you tell then it can be a very affirming experience.   We wish to be authentic in our primary relationships.  I don't think that we wish to act a part and deceive others into believing that our act is in fact who we are.  Coming out deliberately and in a targeted fashion has been an important step in helping me achieve self acceptance and peace.

Having said all this, a good therapist will always provide insights and tools to help you progress your thinking, so I recommend that you engage with one as soon as you can if you have not already done so.

Safe travels

Aisla