Despite my comments and responses of encouragement and positive feedback... I'm having an impossibly hard time right now. Hoping that maybe seeking encouragement from my sisters might help..

With 23 years of depression under my belt... never before has it been this bad... I'm not eating (ive never denied food before), I cant sleep without sleeping pills, I'm tired(no matter how long I knock out for), and worse... I'm quiet... even in the years of depression, i was always ready to talk about my feelings.. but this time.. i'm silent. I feel so so so so dark and numb.

I feel so alone and afraid that i'm losing too much hope. All my friends who said they "accept and support me", have all left... not even exaggerating here... I have no social life anymore... the ones who said they'd be here for me... struggling with me... all gone.. and simply because that support they said they would offer, finally had a time to show its face... and they showed me that their support was never really there to begin with because they figured they were better off just abandoning me.

Am i so wrong for just wanting to be a normal girl... its like... I don't know why I am treated like a man... nothing about me is male other than maybe a few small details in my appearance that I'm trying to fix... I behave, walk, move, talk, react, dress, everything like a woman... I dont even stand out... I don't do or wear anything to stand out in a crowd... i just live my life like a normal girl but people treat me 1 of 3 ways:

1. like a charity case -responding to me driven purely out of pity
2. like a politically correct intimidation - like the way rich white people behave around black people... saying african american instead of black and doing stupid things to try and "relate".
3. like a man in girls clothes - like my femininity is invalid or not worthy of correctness...

I just dont understand... am I ugly?... am I disfigured?... I'm deathly afraid that my life will just be one big lie as it was before..  I can't seem to find anyone to talk to about the things that send fear running down my spine... I can't seem to find solace or hope in things that truly affect me to my core... I just wish i had someone to talk to that could offer some kind of hope... I know i've said in a recent post that i just tell myself "soon i'll have my looking back moment"... .but for some reason.. .RIGHT NOW its impossible to tell myself that... is this hormone depression? is this how it feels? I feel like my life is just meaningless.

Im transitioning so that I can finally feel comfortable in my own body, in my own head... but i fear that I'm too late... I'm only 24... but i feel like my body is 94... I feel so damaged by T both mentally and physically that it feels irreversible... and even though most of the time i can breathe and tell myself to be patient.. for some reason I cant seem to find that right now... I can't seem to find logic or reason behind those hopeful claims..

I hate that people think I'm doing this for others and thats why Im sad... does NO one understand that being a girl, doing everything you can to be a girl, and fearing that the world is always going to treat you male.. is a valid thing to be upset about? I just want to be an average girl dammit... i wanna go to the beach or the movies or school without feeling like I have a spotlight on me... Is it not a valid fear to worry that I might spend my life only being female at home and being male everywhere else that I go if only by social association? Or are people in Miami truly so fickle, that they see a man when I leave my house... that they see a man in my behavior and in my existence...

I just dont know how to feel hopeful for the future right now because all I can feel is how I lost 23 years of my life.. and now I feel as though I may not have a future as anything... I dont expect to be beautiful over night... hell, i dont expect to ever be beautiful... I just want to blend in. I mean... what is this im even feeling? I feel so utterly confused and lost and broken that I have no idea what to do... am I alone in this? Am i truly just psychotic? Has no one else ever felt hopeless?

This depression came out of nowhere... i was happy a week ago... I was confident and proud of myself... but now its like I'm falling. Is there anyone at all who has ever felt this way... who has felt that the life they want to live is beyond reach.. or nothing but a dream... i feel like all the things im working so hard to change are just damaged and hideous and monstrous... Its like I woke up and instead of seeing a man or a woman in the mirror... i saw a creature >_<.... should i just bite down hard and hang on to the edge of insanity with nothing but my teeth?.. or am I just crazy....

Please... i hope this doesn't upset anyone... I just need support from the only support system I can find... which is here... I know I'm nobody to deserve or ask for any kind of sympathy or help... but I could really use some right now.

Hey Emily,

Having read your post, I can totally understand where you are coming from.  While I don't have the answers to these things as I'm going through the same boat, I wanted to say you aren't alone.  And if it makes you feel better, there are plenty of people that came before us that once had these same fears and are now having a happy and productive life.  I know this because I have met them in real life.  It's possible.  When I feel bad or down about my future, I try to keep that hope alive.  Still, I realize that is a hard thing to do and often fail in this regard.  I'm sorry, I really really wish I had the answers.

At the very least, please know that I'm always available to talk if you need someone or vent about things going around you. 

First KAT hugs. (watch out for fur)

Second, you are not ugly any of those other derogatory terms. You are who you are and that is beautiful.

Have I felt the life I want is out of reach? Hell yeah.

I just know that the life I had was also out of reach and fake.

Has something happened recently that seems to be when this depression started?

The friends thing, it really hurts when those you trusted are gone. In a way it is a good thing because you know that, but it still hurts. It does mean you are now free to make new friends who know and accept the real you.

I don't know I can only speak of my own experience . To be honest I've felt the way you feel all of my life. The only thing that has stopped the pain is HRT. I have my doubts all the time, but I also know how much pain I had to carry for so long. Luckily the hormones have stopped 90 % of the pain. I literally thought of what would been the least painful method for suicide every waking day of my life. I narrowed it down to jumping off a building or pills. The problem with pills is your never sure if your going to do it right and with jumping off a building I doubt I could because I'm terrified of height and wouldn't be able to get close to the edge. sorry for the trigger. I guess I'm lucky in that just taking the hormones has done such a great job on my depression and out look of life. I don't know what to say other then hang in there and work with your therapist, good luck

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 30, 2014, 01:57:45 PM

I feel so alone and afraid that i'm losing too much hope. All my friends who said they "accept and support me", have all left... not even exaggerating here... I have no social life anymore... the ones who said they'd be here for me... struggling with me... all gone.. and simply because that support they said they would offer, finally had a time to show its face... and they showed me that their support was never really there to begin with because they figured they were better off just abandoning me.

Hi Emily! I went through this period myself and it does change. People left me for a while as well, but I think it was only a case of them needing to really accept what is happening. I felt this for about a month and now since they are accepting it now they are slowly coming back to me. A lot of them were very apologetic and ashamed it took them so long, but they do come back (at least those who are true friends). Those that do come back seem to be even more dedicated as friends than before in fact. Most of them told me when they saw me around town and saw I was really happy and accepting of myself it made them realize they would rather be around me because they knew how miserable I was before. So stand strong Sis and let them see how you handle this with dignity and strength. Just as it was hard for you to accept transition it is just as hard for them and they haven't probably know about the struggle within yourself. You knew about the need to transition for a while I imagine where they found out all of an instant. The shock will wear off.

You are not wrong for wanting to be a normal girl Sis. It is what most of us want as well. Being in a small town I totally get the whole spotlight reference. Nothing is worse than the extra scrutiny we get and it is not fair, but time will fade the light as well. They will soon find something new to go after and you will be forgotten and used to by those closest to you. I still feel some of the three things you listed, but even those are starting to fade a little as they get more comfortable with me and see I am not changing my mind.

You are only disfigured in your mind. When you get past it you will thrive sweetie. As long as you are comfortable haters and their opinions don't seem to matter. Starting at 47 I have so much "T" damage it isn't funny. I still have a Firefighters build which bothers me to no end, but I found a great way to deal with it. Being full time I have started to wear some of my old fire dept. T's and now everyone thinks I am a retired "female" firefighter. It is so much fun! At first glance most may think trans, but when they see the shirts, my build and confidence in myself they either discount the possibility or fear I may crush them for rude comments! We all have to have our transaoflage!

I was severely depressed last week for no particular reason myself Sis. Someone suggested it was an effect of the moon! *giggle* You will make it sweetie because you have all of us holding you up when your legs give out. Feel free to PM me anytime you are down and I will do what I can. You are a beautiful, intelligent and feminine woman girl so don't give up. A happy future is right around the corner. Let us girls be your seeing eye dog and we will get you to the turn!

Emily,

First off HUGS!!!  In my therapy I have found there are FIVE parts of me.  The Erin part offers you a demure soft feminine hug.  Three other parts shun emotion.  The fifth part is a bit more assertive, and is sort of like a large hairy creature with tusks and a moustache - that one offers a great big, sloppy, Walrus HUG!!!

Being trans* sucks.  As the others have said this will pass - at long last, in the fullness of time, seeming like a rather long time now - but it WILL pass.

Hang in there!


Erin

Quote from: learningtolive on May 30, 2014, 02:07:51 PM
Hey Emily,

Having read your post, I can totally understand where you are coming from.  While I don't have the answers to these things as I'm going through the same boat, I wanted to say you aren't alone.  And if it makes you feel better, there are plenty of people that came before us that once had these same fears and are now having a happy and productive life.  I know this because I have met them in real life.  It's possible.  When I feel bad or down about my future, I try to keep that hope alive.  Still, I realize that is a hard thing to do and often fail in this regard.  I'm sorry, I really really wish I had the answers.

At the very least, please know that I'm always available to talk if you need someone or vent about things going around you.

Thanks <3... I know that no one has all the answers... but knowing that I'm not losing my mind or going into a sort of unknown level of crazy.. is somewhat reassuring. I just feel so alone.. not just in my social life... but as a trans person... I havent been able to find or meet any other transpeople in my area... people I can relate to, people who are going or have gone through the same thing... I know I have this site.. but sometimes I just need one-to-one physical contact with people... i need to hear their voice or be in the same room.. share their energy... i feel like its so hard to find down here... almost like half the transpeople in florida dont live in miami, and the other half have gone stealth and chose to remain that way. i just don't want to feel like I'm the only person in my entire city who's going through this..

Quote from: LordKAT on May 30, 2014, 02:14:05 PM
First KAT hugs. (watch out for fur)

Second, you are not ugly any of those other derogatory terms. You are who you are and that is beautiful.

Have I felt the life I want is out of reach? Hell yeah.

I just know that the life I had was also out of reach and fake.

Has something happened recently that seems to be when this depression started?

The friends thing, it really hurts when those you trusted are gone. In a way it is a good thing because you know that, but it still hurts. It does mean you are now free to make new friends who know and accept the real you.

I dont know why i dont see beauty in the mirror... i feel like so many parts of my body are very unsightly by basic human standards... so much so that doing normal things makes me feel ashamed of my appearance... and not knowing whether or not hormones will fix these issues is what haunts me... even though I'm doing everything in my power to fix it right now...

I guess.. if I had to pinpoint how this all started, i can only think of 2 things:

1. Misgendering has recently become very very VERY prominent.. in every aspect... from everyone... including people who have been going through this with me... for some reason its like people have just decided "eh, F*** it, you're not female".... I was actually beginning to think that things were changing.. .that things were coming along good... and then this horrible couple of days of constant malicious stares, misgendering and loneliness just pushed me to the edge...

2. ... and what finally pushed me off the cliff... was when i got out of the shower and saw my butt and legs in the mirror... for some reason.. I was mortified at what I saw... I was embarrassed and ashamed that I could have ever gone to the beach in a swimsuit and allowed anyone to see me... and it was at this point that the Mental/Social worry, melded with the Physical worry... as I searched desperately on google for some kind of indication that hormones would change a persons butt, i couldnt find anything.. I mean how common a question is that anyway?? its crazy! But for some reason, all my life, i've just wanted a decent butt and legs... and even in comparison to my MALE friends... i felt like I had the legs/ass of an ogre. Now I'm afraid to wear short shorts or swimsuits.. and I have no way of knowing if hormones will make my legs/butt smoother... more shaped... more everything.... Because of this fear.. i've been pushing myself to do EVERYTHING I can to fix it... I've been using lotions, serums, tanning... and i've been KILLING myself with intense leg and butt workouts... when I was male, the only thing i was ever proud of was my butt... and now I feel like its hideous and like im stupid and crazy for stressing over something like that... Some people want big boobs, others want straight hair.. .I just wanna have a butt that I don't have to be afraid of showing off in a bikini... not a supermodel ass... not a tennis player ass... just a decent looking normal ass. a regular girl ass.. i know it sounds incredible MORONIC.. but its how I feel... I dont care if I have A Cup boobs for the rest of my life or even if I have a crooked nose or whatever... I mean.. I guess the best way I can put it is this: My ass causes me more dysphoria than having male parts does..... If given the choice between SRS or just having a smooth butt... I would choose the latter... and I refuse to do surgery because 1. I wont be having that kind of money for YEARS to come, and 2. I've seen brazillian butt-lifts... they look so fake that it defeats the purpose.

Maybe I am crazy. WHO the hell goes this looney over their butt??? 

Quote from: stephaniec on May 30, 2014, 02:18:49 PM
The problem with pills is your never sure if your going to do it right.

THIS right here.... this is the one ultimate fear that negates my hope like a tranquilizer dart devised for a T-rex...

I hope i didn't misinterpret this >___> if you meant like... "farewell" pills then i guess it kind of undoes what I said.. but if you meant that taking pills as in hormones, you dont know if you're gonna do it right (which i think is a pretty good metaphor for fearing lack of change or correctness) then it stands 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 30, 2014, 02:21:45 PM
Hi Emily! I went through this period myself and it does change. People left me for a while as well, but I think it was only a case of them needing to really accept what is happening. I felt this for about a month and now since they are accepting it now they are slowly coming back to me. A lot of them were very apologetic and ashamed it took them so long, but they do come back (at least those who are true friends). Those that do come back seem to be even more dedicated as friends than before in fact. Most of them told me when they saw me around town and saw I was really happy and accepting of myself it made them realize they would rather be around me because they knew how miserable I was before. So stand strong Sis and let them see how you handle this with dignity and strength. Just as it was hard for you to accept transition it is just as hard for them and they haven't probably know about the struggle within yourself. You knew about the need to transition for a while I imagine where they found out all of an instant. The shock will wear off.

Thank you for everything you said <3 (I shortened it for the sake of not making a wall of text, but I absorbed all of it). I hope I can reach that level.. I'm already full time because wearing male clothes for me was like wearing barbed wire all over my body...  I can only hope that I am able to reach the point where I will no longer have to be afraid or take my battle armor and shield with me as I leave my house... The day that I'll be able to leave my car knowing that I'll be alright.

Or in a more comedic sense... the day I'll be able to do this:

Quote from: ErinWDK on May 30, 2014, 02:31:25 PM

Emily,

First off HUGS!!!  In my therapy I have found there are FIVE parts of me.  The Erin part offers you a demure soft feminine hug.  Three other parts shun emotion.  The fifth part is a bit more assertive, and is sort of like a large hairy creature with tusks and a moustache - that one offers a great big, sloppy, Walrus HUG!!!

Being trans* sucks.  As the others have said this will pass - at long last, in the fullness of time, seeming like a rather long time now - but it WILL pass.

Hang in there!


Erin

I want to believe that it will pass with all my heart but for some reason, despite all the videos, pictures, before and afters i've seen... it still feels like believing in unicorns... i dont know why.

I thank all of you for the replies... I feel slightly better and less alone for sure... I feel less abandoned as well... I just hope that I can somehow muster the strength to soldier on..

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 30, 2014, 02:21:45 PM
Hi Emily! I went through this period myself and it does change. People left me for a while as well, but I think it was only a case of them needing to really accept what is happening. I felt this for about a month and now since they are accepting it now they are slowly coming back to me. A lot of them were very apologetic and ashamed it took them so long, but they do come back (at least those who are true friends). Those that do come back seem to be even more dedicated as friends than before in fact. Most of them told me when they saw me around town and saw I was really happy and accepting of myself it made them realize they would rather be around me because they knew how miserable I was before. So stand strong Sis and let them see how you handle this with dignity and strength. Just as it was hard for you to accept transition it is just as hard for them and they haven't probably know about the struggle within yourself. You knew about the need to transition for a while I imagine where they found out all of an instant. The shock will wear off.

You are not wrong for wanting to be a normal girl Sis. It is what most of us want as well. Being in a small town I totally get the whole spotlight reference. Nothing is worse than the extra scrutiny we get and it is not fair, but time will fade the light as well. They will soon find something new to go after and you will be forgotten and used to by those closest to you. I still feel some of the three things you listed, but even those are starting to fade a little as they get more comfortable with me and see I am not changing my mind.

You are only disfigured in your mind. When you get past it you will thrive sweetie. As long as you are comfortable haters and their opinions don't seem to matter. Starting at 47 I have so much "T" damage it isn't funny. I still have a Firefighters build which bothers me to no end, but I found a great way to deal with it. Being full time I have started to wear some of my old fire dept. T's and now everyone thinks I am a retired "female" firefighter. It is so much fun! At first glance most may think trans, but when they see the shirts, my build and confidence in myself they either discount the possibility or fear I may crush them for rude comments! We all have to have our transaoflage!

I was severely depressed last week for no particular reason myself Sis. Someone suggested it was an effect of the moon! *giggle* You will make it sweetie because you have all of us holding you up when your legs give out. Feel free to PM me anytime you are down and I will do what I can. You are a beautiful, intelligent and feminine woman girl so don't give up. A happy future is right around the corner. Let us girls be your seeing eye dog and we will get you to the turn!

Wow Jessica, you are hitting home runs. This was a helpful read. (Yeah I have doubts sometimes too). Thanks.

I love the support in here! Emily on top!

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 30, 2014, 02:36:31 PM
THIS right here.... this is the one ultimate fear that negates my hope like a tranquilizer dart devised for a T-rex...

I hope i didn't misinterpret this >___> if you meant like... "farewell" pills then i guess it kind of undoes what I said.. but if you meant that taking pills as in hormones, you dont know if you're gonna do it right (which i think is a pretty good metaphor for fearing lack of change or correctness) then it stands 

I think it works either way. try bringing down a t-rex with a tranquilizer

Emily Hugs,

I am sorry you are down.

When I look at your avatar I see a very pretty young woman. Give yourself more time to respond to the E.

I am turning 52 tomorrow and will have been on E for 1 year 3 days and I was not stable for 6 months. I am just now starting to feel good and strong mentally. E has made life livable.

Unfortunately, I have found most people need time to adjust to someone coming out. They do not know how to react and need time to realize you are the same person in a different wrapper, behaving as yourself.

Being different and being treated poorly sucks. Trans* is just one category of disability people that get treated different.

Get sleep, eat and exercise.

I hope you feel better.

Hi Emily.

Let me begin by saying that I started HRT at age 59. You are not too late. Not even nearly too late. Keep in mind, the transition takes time, years, so please be patient. Are you ugly? Hell no! If that's you in the Old Navy t-shirt, gotta say honey, you are definitely cute, I'd be hitting on you myself if I was younger and single.

Listen, Em, I know the dark side, I know it well. I discovered that exercise, any physical activity, is a great cure for depression. Walking, biking (what I do, old girl that I am), basketball, really, get out and move. Dancing works too.

As far as who you are, I see you taking to heart the advice Polonius gave Laertes, "This above all: to thine ownself  be true". My dear, you will get there, and, no doubt, you will be fab, little sister

Ok, so while I was composing this, a bunch of folks weighed in with great comments, so I don't think I need to say much more, except this: thank you all, I definitely have the warm and fuzzies now

Reaching out like this is so important. It's hopelessness that is the real enemy. For that reason, I have found that transitioning on my own is a dangerous thing. For many of us, we NEED support from those who understand and can give us hope. We run low on that hope from time to time and need to be recharged. When those I have relied upon are no longer able or willing to give me that hope, I must find others who can. Some of that hope is available here, but I suggest you may want to seek out other people or a local group to look to as well. It may not be easy, but I believe it is important. Do you have a therapist who can put you in touch with other trans folks in your area?

Let me share with you some of my hope. You are not alone.

Quote from: stephaniec on May 30, 2014, 03:03:25 PM
try bringing down a t-rex with a tranquilizer

lol... this made me giggle.. which feels good to do after feeling down for so long.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on May 30, 2014, 03:05:16 PM
Emily Hugs,

I am sorry you are down.

When I look at your avatar I see a very pretty young woman. Give yourself more time to respond to the E.

I am turning 52 tomorrow and will have been on E for 1 year 3 days and I was not stable for 6 months. I am just now starting to feel good and strong mentally. E has made life livable.

Unfortunately, I have found most people need time to adjust to someone coming out. They do not know how to react and need time to realize you are the same person in a different wrapper, behaving as yourself.

Being different and being treated poorly sucks. Trans* is just one category of disability people that get treated different.

Get sleep, eat and exercise.

I hope you feel better.

Thanks... I guess maybe i just feel like time is moving so slowly... i expected so much at this point that not seeing it or feeling it is disheartening.. and I don't know my levels or anything... On top of that, I havent even had a follow up with my endo since i started hormones because insurance has been an inconceivable train wreck... after the first month, my insurance stopped covering my appointments ~ took about a month to figure out why, and when i finally did, i had to change insurances... then i changed and had to wait another month for it to be active... then I had to get authorization from my new PCP before i could see my endo.... i'm gonna be going on 4 months without a follow up... and it makes me feel as though i've wasted 4 months on the wrong dose or too low a dose, or not having my stability and progress medically checked... I'm finally gonna be seeing my endo on June 10th.. and I plan on switching to injectable estrogen and perhaps some other form of progesterone... i feel that my current one might be boosting my depression.

Quote from: EllieM on May 30, 2014, 03:07:56 PM

Hi Emily.

Let me begin by saying that I started HRT at age 59. You are not too late. Not even nearly too late. Keep in mind, the transition takes time, years, so please be patient. Are you ugly? Hell no! If that's you in the Old Navy t-shirt, gotta say honey, you are definitely cute, I'd be hitting on you myself if I was younger and single.

Listen, Em, I know the dark side, I know it well. I discovered that exercise, any physical activity, is a great cure for depression. Walking, biking (what I do, old girl that I am), basketball, really, get out and move. Dancing works too.

As far as who you are, I see you taking to heart the advice Polonius gave Laertes, "This above all: to thine ownself  be true". My dear, you will get there, and, no doubt, you will be fab, little sister

Ok, so while I was composing this, a bunch of folks weighed in with great comments, so I don't think I need to say much more, except this: thank you all, I definitely have the warm and fuzzies now

Thank you for that compliment.. i wish i was treated as well in public as I am online.

as for the exercise... its all i ever do now... its the only thing that allows me to escape my head lol.. I go to the gym 4 times a week for 3 hours lol Its being at work that can be painful for me sometimes.. or being at home... just seeing the minutes tick by in the course of a long long year..

And don't worry, your comments are much much much appreciated... even if I would've felt instantly better after the first response, i appreciate every single one of everyone's responses, they are really doing wonders for me right now <3 <3 <3 <3

Quote from: imsuzi on May 30, 2014, 03:13:36 PM
Some of that hope is available here, but I suggest you may want to seek out other people or a local group to look to as well. It may not be easy, but I believe it is important. Do you have a therapist who can put you in touch with other trans folks in your area?

Let me share with you some of my hope. You are not alone.

Ive tried looking for support groups, it seems to be surprisingly difficult to find... and on top of that it seems as though MTF are really hard to find in Miami, its mostly Transmen (I know it shouldnt matter, but after having spoken to many transmen, i feel like the mentality behind it while equally challenging to deal with, is a different level of difficult)

My psychologist has told me about other trans people she's spoken to, but otherwise refers me to youth groups with scheduled events spread far apart, and far from home as well.. (about 1.45 hour drive)... I guess what I want is to have a one on one with another MTF person who is going or has gone through this... the support group i have gone to is mostly transwomen who are still in the closet entirely for the most part... so while I can offer them tons of advice about coming out and accepting themselves (and I try to because i've been and have passed that part of transition), there is little more they can offer me, other than a sense of community, in terms of handling this... seemingly insane rollercoaster ride... and instilling a sense of hope that would help me feel like I don't have to be so scared and so worried...

I welcome any hope you or anyone else would like to share <3 I'm running on empty and looking to fill up the bar with all flavors of hope.

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 30, 2014, 01:57:45 PM
Despite my comments and responses of encouragement and positive feedback... I'm having an impossibly hard time right now. Hoping that maybe seeking encouragement from my sisters might help..

With 23 years of depression under my belt... never before has it been this bad... I'm not eating (ive never denied food before), I cant sleep without sleeping pills, I'm tired(no matter how long I knock out for), and worse... I'm quiet... even in the years of depression, i was always ready to talk about my feelings.. but this time.. i'm silent. I feel so so so so dark and numb.

I feel so alone and afraid that i'm losing too much hope. All my friends who said they "accept and support me", have all left... not even exaggerating here... I have no social life anymore... the ones who said they'd be here for me... struggling with me... all gone.. and simply because that support they said they would offer, finally had a time to show its face... and they showed me that their support was never really there to begin with because they figured they were better off just abandoning me.

Am i so wrong for just wanting to be a normal girl... its like... I don't know why I am treated like a man... nothing about me is male other than maybe a few small details in my appearance that I'm trying to fix... I behave, walk, move, talk, react, dress, everything like a woman... I dont even stand out... I don't do or wear anything to stand out in a crowd... i just live my life like a normal girl but people treat me 1 of 3 ways:

1. like a charity case -responding to me driven purely out of pity
2. like a politically correct intimidation - like the way rich white people behave around black people... saying african american instead of black and doing stupid things to try and "relate".
3. like a man in girls clothes - like my femininity is invalid or not worthy of correctness...

I just dont understand... am I ugly?... am I disfigured?... I'm deathly afraid that my life will just be one big lie as it was before..  I can't seem to find anyone to talk to about the things that send fear running down my spine... I can't seem to find solace or hope in things that truly affect me to my core... I just wish i had someone to talk to that could offer some kind of hope... I know i've said in a recent post that i just tell myself "soon i'll have my looking back moment"... .but for some reason.. .RIGHT NOW its impossible to tell myself that... is this hormone depression? is this how it feels? I feel like my life is just meaningless.

Im transitioning so that I can finally feel comfortable in my own body, in my own head... but i fear that I'm too late... I'm only 24... but i feel like my body is 94... I feel so damaged by T both mentally and physically that it feels irreversible... and even though most of the time i can breathe and tell myself to be patient.. for some reason I cant seem to find that right now... I can't seem to find logic or reason behind those hopeful claims..

I hate that people think I'm doing this for others and thats why Im sad... does NO one understand that being a girl, doing everything you can to be a girl, and fearing that the world is always going to treat you male.. is a valid thing to be upset about? I just want to be an average girl dammit... i wanna go to the beach or the movies or school without feeling like I have a spotlight on me... Is it not a valid fear to worry that I might spend my life only being female at home and being male everywhere else that I go if only by social association? Or are people in Miami truly so fickle, that they see a man when I leave my house... that they see a man in my behavior and in my existence...

I just dont know how to feel hopeful for the future right now because all I can feel is how I lost 23 years of my life.. and now I feel as though I may not have a future as anything... I dont expect to be beautiful over night... hell, i dont expect to ever be beautiful... I just want to blend in. I mean... what is this im even feeling? I feel so utterly confused and lost and broken that I have no idea what to do... am I alone in this? Am i truly just psychotic? Has no one else ever felt hopeless?

This depression came out of nowhere... i was happy a week ago... I was confident and proud of myself... but now its like I'm falling. Is there anyone at all who has ever felt this way... who has felt that the life they want to live is beyond reach.. or nothing but a dream... i feel like all the things im working so hard to change are just damaged and hideous and monstrous... Its like I woke up and instead of seeing a man or a woman in the mirror... i saw a creature >_<.... should i just bite down hard and hang on to the edge of insanity with nothing but my teeth?.. or am I just crazy....

Please... i hope this doesn't upset anyone... I just need support from the only support system I can find... which is here... I know I'm nobody to deserve or ask for any kind of sympathy or help... but I could really use some right now.

So many times in my life, that is once I realized where my problem stemmed from, I had wished that I could just be a "normal" girl. It certainly would've been nice. But over the years I've come to accept who I am, not completely what I am. I no longer hate myself as I did for so many years. Being normal wasn't supposed to be. If I had been what is considered a normal girl maybe I wouldn't have been so nice, maybe I wouldn't have been so understanding of people's differences, perhaps I would've had a far worst life than I have now, or being born a girl I would've realized that I was actually a boy inside instead (a transsexual no matter what), I don't know.

It sucks that I wasn't born 'right' in the eyes of man (if I, and any of us were accepted as any other human being, then maybe we'd not feel so bad about ourselves), but I was born right in the eyes of God (not preaching here, I'm not into religion, my belief in a God is personal). As for everyone else, @#$% 'em. Try not to dwell on what could have been, just take each day as it comes -- it is hard I know, but I'm trying myself to hang in there and do the same.

Long ago when I first decided that I was going to have the courage to see my dream through I had thought it'd all had been pieced together by now. Well, the years have passed and during that time with it all feeling hopeless, that it'd always be unreachable, sometimes I just felt like giving up. Why bother, I'm not happy, not really, why stay, why try. I still don't know what the hell gives me the strength and will to keep at it. I think I do know, but still don't fully understand the point of it all. Each days drags on just as the day before, never gaining any ground, the goal in sight, but still impossible to get to. I've spent too many of my years so depressed, and I committed so much pain upon myself both mentally and physically, it was atrocious and complete bull->-bleeped-<- how one could feel so bad to think or do such things to themselves. No one should ever have to feel this way, ever.

You gave me a smile with that bit about your ass. I'd love to have a nice big round phat ass myself, okay, not too big, but I'd at least like it filled in on the sides more instead of the semi-squarish block I have. The only thing that saves my little butt is that my legs at the hips do expand out pretty nicely, so I'm pretty even hip and shoulder width, though I am sometimes self-conscience over my shoulders, feeling if I hadn't worked out so much or done a bit of construction work in my early years maybe they would have been narrower. I so much would like to have at least a cup size larger on my boobs, but still, I think I'd like that ass filled out more.

And my mood and how I feel each day changes just as much, one day I'm fine, the next I see a man in the mirror, not the somewhat pretty woman that I am, just someone that I used to be, altered ever so slightly merely by hormones, nothing more, Tired, ugly, not right. Worst so is when while I may look good in clothes even on those depressed days, standing naked before myself, sucks all the spirit out of me. Its during those times that I had and could still do something horrible to myself, the best is that I'll feel utterly hopelessly sapped of life that I'll just lay down and hope to die in my sleep, but so far haven't, instead I wake. I'm hitting 40 soon, not really that old but I'm getting up there, but I'm not afraid of growing old, everyone does if they make it that far, but I am afraid of dying not having lived my dream. When it comes my time, I'm going to die as a woman, that's my plan to the very last moment (If I die a woman then I must've lived my life as one). If I live long that doesn't sound too unreasonable, does it?

You touched my heart today (enough for me to find the words [very difficult for me - I could sit on a topic for hours and still have to idea where to start or what to say] to post a reply), if I were there even as shy as I am I'd like to give you a hug, for us both, we need it.

I showed my mom your avatar picture, she said you were very pretty, you look like a girl to her. So I started reading your first post to her and started crying midway through reading. She said with seeing me cry, "You can relate, huh?" Yeah.

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 30, 2014, 01:57:45 PM
I know I'm nobody to deserve or ask for any kind of sympathy or help

Sorry to tell you but this ^^^ is wrong, and this vvv is why.

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 30, 2014, 01:57:45 PM
...but I could really use some right now

why would you ever think that a person who does so much to help others feel better, doesn't deserve to have others help them feel better?
its never what we do that matters, but is and always will be WHY we do it.

what your doing is being one of the best human beings humanity has to offer.
because you like many of us know exactly how humanity fails humanity.

And in a lot of ways we ARE better people. Don't fall because others THINK they are better, and treat us like were not.
Stand up for what you believe in.
KINDNESS COMPASSION AND LOVE (I sound like a hippy). are the best qualities a person can have and you have these more than 80% of the population. We often feel worthless because that 80% are blind to it, and don't recognise it.

Nobody who hasn't felt unloved can truly appreciate love.
Nobody who hasn't felt shame can understand pride.
And the selfish can never know compassion.
And nobody who hasn't needed kindness, can know what it means to be kind to others.

we know all these feelings. and its because of how we are treated, being different doesn't make us monsters, it makes us better human beings.

its ok to not be strong enough, when you strong for others.
And there will always be times we're not strong enough, because humanity is a pack animal, and by our very nature we will need others to be strong for us. That's why we're strong for others. Because part of being human means sometime we need others to be