I wrote a few days ago about my horrible fight with my husband. I was a monster, an utter complete monster. I don't know who that person was who raged and threw punches and said those terrible things. I have been beating myself up about it for days. My husband and I are not talking, really. Texts here and there, but all of them from him are about how terrible I am and how he is so hurt about my behavior; he wrote a fake police report and sent it to me. I'm not denying his feelings are valid or real--I was awful, and I ruined his birthday. He yelled at me at a restaurant and all I could do was accept his anger. Yet, I am still so angry about his deceptions and lies regarding being transgendered, and I know that after the whole weekend of fun and intimacy, my heart told me that those things are not something that I should count on lasting. I know I shouldn't think about the future negatively; it is a habit I am trying to break, almost a defense mechanism to prepare me for disappointment. I learned to think this way as a child. I spent the last two nights at a hotel alone so that I don't have to be around him and likely have another argument.

Anyway, it turns out that my husband has decided once again to hide some important information from me. He has decided that he doesn't need to go to a gender therapist afterall. Like, he's just all over it now. I, on the other hand, am taking serious measures to never repeat my actions on Monday night. I spoke with an amazing life coach today for 2 1/2 hours and got some peace of mind to forgive myself; I am attending a support group for families of Transgendered people on Sunday; I am going to a mindful meditation class on Tuesday to learn how to relax and be in the moment; I have my regular therapy appointment on Wednesday where I am going to tell her everything I 've done and request analysis of what I might have: Intermittent Explosive Disorder, which is managed and even cured with medication and cognitive therapy. So to find out online that the person who is really the largest contributor to triggering my current insecurities and anger has decided he is just all cured and doesn't need any help only makes me even more disappointed and discouraged that our relationship is not going to work. I seriously doubt his feelings just went away; they didn't the last time he told me he is Transgendered! Am I just supposed to wait until he feels them creeping up again, and be prepared? How is this fair? I am getting healthy for myself first and him second, but we are a family, a team, and like a machine, one part can't be broken for the whole thing to work well. He keeps lying to me. Each time he does, it's another stab through my heart. I know he feels justified and he is justified in his own anger and frustration toward me, but by deciding he doesn't need to explore his feelings and thoughts with a professional for himself is ultimately going to knock out more bricks in our relationship like a Jenga game. And each time I find out he lied, I feel like it is a subconcious attempt to test my mettle and see if I will react poorly. This whole situation is killing us.

It's like the only way I can be kept in the loop about what his happening with him, and thereby us, is by spying. I don't want to live a surreptitious life.

I'm really sorry. It sounds like you are in the middle of a terribly unhealthy situation, Aside from the gender dysphoria. I don't really know your spouse so all I can go on is what I interpret from your writings but I am so confused as to why a fake police report was written. Yes he (and I'm gonna go with he here because of the recent decision not to transition?) is entitled to feelings but what exactly was that meant to accomplish? It seems really manipulative from my perspective, but I could be wrong. I do think that before he makes any decisions regarding transition or lack there of that he should really talk to someone because it's starting to sound like he has some definite things he needs to work on, again aside from trans issues.

what are these arguments about? Yes you exploded one night, but you feel bad enough about it. you are doing all these different things to help cope with the situation. It almost seems like it is getting dangerously close to becoming emotionally abusive. The yelling at you at a restaurant, the fake police report, the secrecy, these are red flags for me. I'm not saying that you are 100% innocent of any wrong doing as you yourself have mentioned it almost getting physical. But I do hope you both take a good hard look at what is happening right now and determine how healthy you are for each other. I understand you want to try and support but if you are going to try to swing at him while he is trying to break you down emotionally than it's not doing either of you a bit of good. Have you guys considered marriage counseling at all?

To answer you question though. His secrecy is not fair and you should not have to live your life like that. This really need to be a time of open communication between partners if it's going to work. Even someone who has no problems accepting a transition needs to have a clue what's going on.

I don't know. I wish I had some answers for you. And I'm sorry for being all over the place in my reply.

Spouse came home, didn't even look at me; went straight upstairs and quickly got ready and into bed. Not a peep. I asked him a question, and he said he didn't want to talk to me. Sorry this is all so drama. I have no where else to vent.

We argue almost exclusively about not communicating well. I mispercieve something, he mispercieves something; we know eachother's buttons to push. He hasn't done the stupid silent treatment in years, so this is filling me with a lot of anxiety, but I am not going to spend another night in a hotel room alone. He just wants so desperately to shut me out, I think, so that he doesn't have to deal any reality of this complex situation.

I don't believe that he has given up his TG feelings; he's being dramatic. If he refuses to go to a counselor, it is because he is trying to hurt himself, like deny himeslf that, and then he can say it's because I made him feel bad or something. This is the same unproductive pattern we have been in for the whole gammut of our relationship. Today I was taught the concept of "disengage" which is to do the exact opposite of what I impulsively want to do. I am really struggling, because my impulse right now is to pack a bag and go away. Grrr!

Spouse and I had a long, long....long talk today, mostly through text. We are at a better place of understanding. My fears of the future are dictating the reality of now, and I realize I need to calm down and be patient (which is something I am terrible at doing). We came to a place where we saw that we interpreted the same situation entirely different only because our assumptions about it were unstated. We agree that we need to clarify our expectations of things going forward. I hope that we will be able to stay in a good place relationally now, although I know that I can't guarantee that I'll have "perfect" reactions to scary changes going forward, but hopefully I'll be more rational and open. Time will tell.

That's such a big step. I'm glad you guys are managing to communicate now. Just try to take things as they come. I know the initial gut reaction is worrying about every thing that will ever happen in the future, but you will really drive yourself crazy if you keep doing that. What's been my little motto during Hayley's transition. We know what could happen but we are not going to worry until it presents itself.

Same story on my end. Glad you both took the time to sort out your views and expectations. Sometimes getting a good talk requires no actual talking!

You know, thank you for sharing. I know you're dealing with a tough situation, but it does help me understand more of what my partner might be feeling and how to gauge her reactions. I hope that she will express her feelings as much as you do. But these relationships are so difficult to hold together. I wish my SO would at least try to get some support or anything.

Thanks for letting me vent and rant and get it all out here. I'm really trying not to lose my own mind. I'm also not trying to make him out to be mean or anything. With me, my spouse is he, so that's the pronoun I'm going to keep using for now. He doesn't want me to use the pronoun she yet, because he isn't sure if she is going to ever really be a part of our relationship, or rather if she is going to be someone who needs to be lived out in other ways. I keep thinking to myself that I am comfortable with she being a part of our lives as long as he is mostly part of our lives, 40%/60%. Does that make sense?

TiffanyT, it is really hard to find support for SO's because this is such a taboo topic. The support groups that I find are really geared more for parents or SO's of gay and lesbian people, and most of the SO's I meet are really, really bitter because they were usually cheated on. I did find a support group on Google that is out of PA, and it has been super helpful. I don't know when I'm allowed to message people privately, but when I can, I'm happy to send the link to you for your SO...maybe it will be helpful.

In rereading my original post, I really made it sound as though my SOis a crazy, manipulative jerk. He isn't. The fake police report was really an explanation of how he views my behavior when I get angry. I suppose I should have written that it was a detailed report of an incident. I was still coming down from anger and despair when I wrote those words, and accuracy of language is important. The way I have presented this incident originally just comes across as me being manipulative. Neither of us is consciously doing that, and my SO isn't at all. I'm sorry for misrepresenting how things went down.

You can PM people now.

Quote from: Katrinka on May 31, 2014, 02:36:42 PM

TiffanyT, it is really hard to find support for SO's because this is such a taboo topic. The support groups that I find are really geared more for parents or SO's of gay and lesbian people, and most of the SO's I meet are really, really bitter because they were usually cheated on. I did find a support group on Google that is out of PA, and it has been super helpful. I don't know when I'm allowed to message people privately, but when I can, I'm happy to send the link to you for your SO...maybe it will be helpful.

Please do. I would appreciate that.