During this morning's ritual of showering, doing my hair and makeup, I remembered a former ritual of shaving. But I did not always shave.  For many years I masked my dysphoria by growing a beard and mustache. I also worked part time in a very male oriented profession. This was my charade and really the only person I was fooling was me.

I had a scowl on my face most of the time and seldom made eye contact. A therapist suggested it was a reflection of my inner conflict and a way to keep people away. I think I was afraid that if I was more outgoing that people would see the inner me. I wanted to be invisible to those around me. I now smile a lot and I notice that people around me seem to smile back at me. They may have been smiling all along, but I never looked at their faces.

I was quick to anger and chase everyone away. I didn't like me, why should they?

sexualizing it and quite a bit of depersonaliztion/derealization

Back when I had disphoria, it was not looking in the mirrors. Now I'm OK with myself :-)

By projecting a masculine image and doing various stuff to maintain that image. Also, keeping a distance from people and avoiding socialising and social life (helped with masculine image too, lol).

I was always defensive towards others and never let down my guard.  As Emily said, I also avoided as many social situations as possible because I always felt awkward.  I could never really relate to guys if I was hanging out with a bunch of them.  And even though I really love hanging out with my friends who are girls, I felt awkward being the lone "guy".  No matter what, I always felt like the odd person out.
Physically, I also would not shave my mustache/beard off because for one, I absolutely hate shaving - I feel like I ruin my skin every time I do and because like you said it definitely gives off a sense of masculinity.  I also avoided liking/wearing any colors that anyone would perceive as being feminine even though I absolutely love any shade of light purple as well as light pink.

And booze of course, don't forget the booze.

Quote from: AnnieMay on May 31, 2014, 10:05:26 AM
During this morning's ritual of showering, doing my hair and makeup, I remembered a former ritual of shaving. But I did not always shave.  For many years I masked my dysphoria by growing a beard and mustache. I also worked part time in a very male oriented profession. This was my charade and really the only person I was fooling was me.

Wow. Souds so familiar. But like you said, thel only person you are foolomg is yourself.

I have always felt like a fraud who some day would be found out. So I have been driven to succeed in other areas of my life. I have built a career where I am admired and respected for my talent, integrity and honesty. It was my way of trying to appear normal and build self esteem.

It hasn't really worked. Each time I am successful in my career or praised for the person I am, any increase in self esteem lasts only a short period of time, and then I am left with myself and the awful secret. Ironically, revealing the secret will probably be the undoing of all those things I have used as a way of building self esteem.

I was never myself, I was a follower and had a masculine hip hop sort of look. I never shaved and always felt really grossed out by it all but it never really occurred to me. I had no sense of self and was playing the role of a stranger. I hated myself and tried doing things like lifting and working out to fit in but it just wasn't me. Since discovering who I am, my life is so much better. Though not as optimal as I'd like it be, it's infinitely better than being someone I'm not.

Quote from: eClare on May 31, 2014, 08:56:35 PM
I have always felt like a fraud who some day would be found out. So I have been driven to succeed in other areas of my life. I have built a career where I am admired and respected for my talent, integrity and honesty. It was my way of trying to appear normal and build self esteem.

It hasn't really worked. Each time I am successful in my career or praised for the person I am, any increase in self esteem lasts only a short period of time, and then I am left with myself and the awful secret. Ironically, revealing the secret will probably be the undoing of all those things I have used as a way of building self esteem.

Wow, I feel this way exactly.  Many of these other posts hit home, but this one I never understood and until the last several months never connected with dysphoria.  Even when I am able to be incredible with something I would, well I guess I still do, just "float".  I make sure to do better than most, but not enough to get noticed.  I guess people would think they were insulting the masculinity I portray if they praised the things I wanted to be praised on.

Grew a beard. I really love beards, just not on me!

Quote from: Debussy on June 01, 2014, 12:10:18 AM
Grew a beard. I really love beards, just not on me!

I tried once, thinking that I would look like those cool guys in Camel ads driving Land Rovers across jungle etc, but it stopped growing after day 4-5 and I could not bear that itchy sensation on my skin .

Yep, I always had a beard.  Now I shave it every couple of weeks, but I work as a guy so it's easier to get less ->-bleeped-<- from the dudes at work if I just grow out a beard.   However, they probably wonder what the hell is going on with me because my face looks like a grizzly bear and my body is hairless and tanned and I just trimmed the hell out of my eyebrows

Drugs, booze, beards, fake macho BS.

Tried growing a beard but it never grew properly around the chin so I shaved that bit occasionally.Drank like a fish, smoked dope,chased girls(and sometimes guys)drove muscle cars like I was in Bullit,rode bikes(wouldn't have a Harley Davidson in case anyone thought I was soft for riding an electric start bike),got into a ton of fights at school,hung around with bad asses,was permanantly pissed off and angry.Never bothered with clothes,jeans,boots, black t shirt,leather jacket and denim jacket was all I needed.Only listened to punk and metal.Generally behaved like a full time dirtbag.
In reality very few people were fooled by the caricature of a man I had become.Many knew I was trans before I came out

I honed my art skills, I went from drawing stick figures to some decent pieces. I found that not focusing and stressing about my dysphoria allowed me to continue with my life. I still work on my art skills, it's always nice to sit down for an entire weekend and see what you can create with a blank white image.