Hi
I hope you feel even a bit better or more hopeful after the replies so far. I'm not sure I can really offer much as I haven't got much further than this. But as you pointed out, life is like a roller coaster. It has ups and down. At some point, as long as you are trying to move forward, you will feel better.

You are doing things to move forward. You are getting exercise, trying to be yourself and have an appointment with your endo. You may not feel better today, or tomorrow, but it will happen. There have been times I have been hopeless about something to the point of stopping or running or worse. But I just kept on pushing and somehow got through it.

So even if you don't have hope, you don't need it for things to get better. I'm NOT saying that hope is pointless, only pointing out that it's not a currency. It's not the case that you have to have hope in order for things to get better. So even if you don't have hope, you only have to survive and keep trying. As long as you do that, things will slowly get better regardless of whether you hoped so or not.

Decades from now, this will be a distant memory. The hopelessness, worries about your HRT dosage (I'm kind of in the same boat there. By the time I next get a chance to discuss it, I will have been at my initial dose for about 7 months. Just E, not AA's so I still feel a lot of testosterone effects  ) and all of that will be irrelevant in the face of a lifetime of memories of being yourself and the amazing life I'm sure you'll create for yourself. So hang in there girl 

Naomi

Try getting sun and take things day by day worrying about tomorrow makes today that much worse.

Hi Emily - sorry to hear you're feeling so low, it's a terrible place to be in I know, been there myself on more than one occasion in the past. Changing your focus can help to push the other stuff that is cluttering up your feelings and dragging you down can help lift your mood, even if only for a short while.

I remember being in a particularly dark mood many years ago, went to see a movie that was pure escapist fun, took me right out of myself - sure all the crap and nonsense came flowing back in about ten minutes after the credits rolled but it was a respite and a circuit breaker for two hours in what would have been an otherwise bleak day of thinking too much about myself and finding the worst in everything. Sometimes that trick worked, sometimes not (more useful when depressed as a opposed to angry).

Anyway, hope you take care and feel better soon. Try not to obsess about yourself or the details of transition, they can be overwhelming enough.

Emily, you were so helpful to me last week that it breaks my heart to see you like this. You are such a great girl and have touched so many in your time here. Please know that you have many friends here and no shortage of people to talk to.

Quote from: White Rabbit on May 30, 2014, 05:56:37 PM
Try getting sun

Definitely this!!!

Just try being depressed or down slathered in Hawaiian Tropic while topless sunbathing! OOOPS, Did I just give a little TMI?

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 30, 2014, 01:57:45 PM
Despite my comments and responses of encouragement and positive feedback... I'm having an impossibly hard time right now. Hoping that maybe seeking encouragement from my sisters might help..

With 23 years of depression under my belt... never before has it been this bad... I'm not eating (ive never denied food before), I cant sleep without sleeping pills, I'm tired(no matter how long I knock out for), and worse... I'm quiet... even in the years of depression, i was always ready to talk about my feelings.. but this time.. i'm silent. I feel so so so so dark and numb.

I feel so alone and afraid that i'm losing too much hope. All my friends who said they "accept and support me", have all left... not even exaggerating here... I have no social life anymore... the ones who said they'd be here for me... struggling with me... all gone.. and simply because that support they said they would offer, finally had a time to show its face... and they showed me that their support was never really there to begin with because they figured they were better off just abandoning me.

Am i so wrong for just wanting to be a normal girl... its like... I don't know why I am treated like a man... nothing about me is male other than maybe a few small details in my appearance that I'm trying to fix... I behave, walk, move, talk, react, dress, everything like a woman... I dont even stand out... I don't do or wear anything to stand out in a crowd... i just live my life like a normal girl but people treat me 1 of 3 ways:

1. like a charity case -responding to me driven purely out of pity
2. like a politically correct intimidation - like the way rich white people behave around black people... saying african american instead of black and doing stupid things to try and "relate".
3. like a man in girls clothes - like my femininity is invalid or not worthy of correctness...

I just dont understand... am I ugly?... am I disfigured?... I'm deathly afraid that my life will just be one big lie as it was before..  I can't seem to find anyone to talk to about the things that send fear running down my spine... I can't seem to find solace or hope in things that truly affect me to my core... I just wish i had someone to talk to that could offer some kind of hope... I know i've said in a recent post that i just tell myself "soon i'll have my looking back moment"... .but for some reason.. .RIGHT NOW its impossible to tell myself that... is this hormone depression? is this how it feels? I feel like my life is just meaningless.

Im transitioning so that I can finally feel comfortable in my own body, in my own head... but i fear that I'm too late... I'm only 24... but i feel like my body is 94... I feel so damaged by T both mentally and physically that it feels irreversible... and even though most of the time i can breathe and tell myself to be patient.. for some reason I cant seem to find that right now... I can't seem to find logic or reason behind those hopeful claims..

I hate that people think I'm doing this for others and thats why Im sad... does NO one understand that being a girl, doing everything you can to be a girl, and fearing that the world is always going to treat you male.. is a valid thing to be upset about? I just want to be an average girl dammit... i wanna go to the beach or the movies or school without feeling like I have a spotlight on me... Is it not a valid fear to worry that I might spend my life only being female at home and being male everywhere else that I go if only by social association? Or are people in Miami truly so fickle, that they see a man when I leave my house... that they see a man in my behavior and in my existence...

I just dont know how to feel hopeful for the future right now because all I can feel is how I lost 23 years of my life.. and now I feel as though I may not have a future as anything... I dont expect to be beautiful over night... hell, i dont expect to ever be beautiful... I just want to blend in. I mean... what is this im even feeling? I feel so utterly confused and lost and broken that I have no idea what to do... am I alone in this? Am i truly just psychotic? Has no one else ever felt hopeless?

This depression came out of nowhere... i was happy a week ago... I was confident and proud of myself... but now its like I'm falling. Is there anyone at all who has ever felt this way... who has felt that the life they want to live is beyond reach.. or nothing but a dream... i feel like all the things im working so hard to change are just damaged and hideous and monstrous... Its like I woke up and instead of seeing a man or a woman in the mirror... i saw a creature >_<.... should i just bite down hard and hang on to the edge of insanity with nothing but my teeth?.. or am I just crazy....

Please... i hope this doesn't upset anyone... I just need support from the only support system I can find... which is here... I know I'm nobody to deserve or ask for any kind of sympathy or help... but I could really use some right now.

Wow, maybe it is the moon or something, because except for today, I've been feeling the way you described for quite some time. My dysphoria and social anxiety have also been getting worse.

My depression does feel like a more silent one this time as you also said. I can't quite figure out why I can't find words for my feelings- I used to vent a lot but now I feel like it's pointless to try and make other people understand. I feel like a lot of people don't even get why being gendered correctly is so important to me- the thought is so alien to them. I also get what you mean by dark and numb... My thoughts are becoming more dark of late, working to kill what hope I had left. I feel I've also started to bottle up my emotions again, acting like an emotional brick wall and letting them out in outbursts.

I know you have a loving and supporting partner, as do I. Lately mine has felt like she just can't help me. It is really starting to upset her too. I think it is extremely important to find other people like us to talk to- and susans is the only place I can do that. I've only met one other mtf, and she didn't seem interested in speaking with me at all.

A regular girl... I know right? With a regular upbringing, dolls and dresses... Going to school and being treated like a girl... Getting your first period, having a natural puberty changing your frame without the poison of T. I guess we'll never know what that feels like. It feels like an impossible dream- a life that I deserved but was taken away from me out of my control. Instead, we were given these bodies, and went through a male metamorphosis that feels more like a disfigurement- So much that my body doesn't even feel like mine. I close my eyes and I look so very different...

Yet on top of the fact we were denied our true bodies, and the fact that we went through a male puberty on top of it- we have the world reminding that of the fact every day. I think being seen as trans bothers me because it is still attaching me to that male fascade. I think a lot of people upon learning that, would have a hard time seeing me as a regular HUMAN, let alone a regular girl. It really makes me feel unsafe to express myself. If people had a better understanding of trans people, and truly saw that scared little girl inside, they might comfort us instead. It's very unfair the way people see us, and it makes it so much harder.

Just yesterday, I was staring at myself in the mirror, crying. I was saying to myself, "you're too late", "She's gone", "you have no chance", "you'll never be that girl you see inside", etc. I don't know why I was saying these things, it felt like I just couldn't stop myself and soon I was stone cold, void of hope and emotion. Life felt meaningless. I felt like I wasted all this time, all these 21 years for nothing. It just passed by so fast and it felt like none of it was even worth living. I missed my chance to stop my puberty, that girl will never be. I will never have those female proportions- the body that would've been- is just gone. gone. and there's nothing I can do. My chance as a 'regular girl' just disappeared and I didn't even know it at the time. It feels just like I lost a loved one 10 years ago. Where did that beautiful girl go, that could've been? She's dead, and it feels like she's never coming back. I feel poisoned and disfigured by testosterone and no matter what I do from here on, that girl is gone. A new one will certainly appear, I'm sure- but she will be 6 ft tall, and I don't have much hope there... heh..

So I definitely cried my eyeballs out yesterday- which left me in a very empty place. From here I went through a series of crying and waves of uncontrollable body convulsions while my partner held me. My body would tighten up and every muscle in my body would contract- causing me to bruise myself several times. After this I fell asleep.

For some reason, I woke up today feeling better, like that cloud of the last month had been slightly lifted for the day, and I just poked my head out a little. I must've performed a self exorcism or something. But to be honest, it feels like all those things are definitely still there... But for some reason it doesn't bother me as much today. I had another laser appointment this morning, and belted out horribly "I always liked that" by maria mena the entire way there and back. (seriously, I probably went through it over 30 times, my vocal chords are shot.) It really made me feel like I can keep living even though all this ->-bleeped-<- surrounds me. For some reason like I'm stronger for it. I also got a "Ladies first" from this man i was waiting with when the elevator opened. I guess that helped. It was the first time someone didn't take it back after addressing me as female. I don't really know what happened- I feel like I just got to such an edge the night before that I gave up on all that crap and sort of just accepted it all. It was really hard to accept the things I cant change- and the girl body that I lost forever in the past. I still in a way don't feel like I've accepted it, but for some reason I feel okay.

I still haven't figured out how to change my self image. It's pretty bad. It affects us in incredible ways, too. I wish I could give more advice, but I feel more like I'm along for the ride with you, experiencing a lot of the same things. I think it's super important to stay connected and surround yourself with people who see you as YOU! It's great for you sanity, and definitely enforces more good emotions. I know from what you've told me how incredibly strong you are. You are like, one of the strongest people I've talked to. Ever. I can't believe you went full time so early! But judging on your pictures I've seen- you have nothing to worry about- your hair will grow longer, your boobs will grow in, your butt will fill in, theres so much ahead of you! you have another 2 years+ of changes to look forward to. I know you'll get past this- even though I haven't yet But god it feels slow. it feels so ****ing slow.

Dear Emily,

I really feel for you and what really hurts that I don't know what to say to you.  Other people have said some very good things to you, and I know I can't add to that.  So the only way I can think of to cheer you up (lame as it might be) is to tell you a funny story, which also happens to be a true story.

I came out full-time a bit over a year and a half ago, and what got me out was a weekend trans workshop that I attended.  On the Saturday night, everybody wanted to hit the town, so I hit it with them.  And this was the first time in my life that I'd ever been out in the world as myself. 

Now we all know how terrifying that is for a lot of trans people.  Not for me.  I took to it like a duck to water.  There are other things that scare me, but people seeing me as myself isn't one of them.

Just recently a couple of my girlfriends who were at that workshop told me how impressed they were with me, seeing how easy I found it to get out in public like that.  So I confessed.  As I told them, I knew it would be easy for me because I have a strong streak of exhibitionism in me.  I like people seeing me in girl-mode.

I discovered this little character trait in me when I was in my mid-teens.  I grew up in Texas in a Southern Baptist home, an environment in which I was seriously repressed.  But I found a bit of freedom one time.

Every summer all of us kids at the church, along with the pastor and various other adults, went somewhere for a summer camp.  Now it wasn't all Bible-reading and singing hymns.  We had fun and games, and there were lots of good kids there, so we always enjoyed these camps immensely.

One year, somebody (and I can say in all honesty it wasn't me) got the idea of putting on a drag show.  Our pastor was an easy-going man and he allowed it.  And since the pastor approved it, obviously so did God.  So all the girls donated some clothes and we put on a show for them.

What fell to my lot was a little two-piece swimsuit, the type where the bottom had one of those little skirts on it.  Now I stuffed my bra so much I had boobs like basketballs, and I was flouncing around in my little skirt, thoroughly enjoying myself.  I've wondered ever since if anybody noticed how much fun I was having.  They would have found that very strange.  But if they did notice, nobody said anything to me, so maybe they didn't.

And now a little story that's completely different.  Just yesterday I was in the library and one of the staff told me, "You look lovely this morning."  And she meant it seriously.  As you can imagine, I was bowled over.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that yes, being trans is painful, but we transpeople are still people, and we have funny things in us and we have beauty in us as well.  I go through my bad times, too.  Right now I'm going through a patch where loneliness is so awful it bites me on the a** at least six times a day.

But I have my funny moments and beautiful moments to help me through the bad patches.  And I also bear in mind that we transpeople aren't unique: lots of people have pain in their lives—like my son, whose mother walked out on him when he was two years old (and it didn't have a thing to do with me being trans).

What can you say?  I'm old enough now to start getting maudlin in my senility.  You have no idea how much I envy a 24-year-old girl who thinks she's too old to start dealing with her problems.  Baby, you are young, you are strong, you are beautiful—and I bet you're funny, too, if you'd be willing to consider that aspect of yourself.

Hang in there.  Ride out the bad times.  When you get older, you'll be glad you did.  You'll be glad you gave yourself the chance to discover how bloody brave and strong you were when you were just a kid.  Unlike some of us who were stupid and cowardly when we were just kids and can only look back on things with regret.

Love and best wishes,
Foxglove

Em, first, along with everyone else here, I'll offer unlimited hugs, for every occasion.  Your posts (including this thread's) help a lot of girls, and guys, here.  tbh, it did set me off also, but like you, I really needed to get it out, and tho I didnt write any of it, it helped me purge some feelings.  I spent a couple hrs crying over it, but like Debussy wrote, sobbed to no end, but feel a little better after it, so it did help.

Unlike many here that are on their journey, I am stuck where I am.  I have promised to stop, revert, regress to keep/save my family.  But after almost 6 short weeks that have felt like years, I am in a bad place too.  Yes the crying it out helped released some of the pain, pressure, guilt that has been building up this past month, but it's still there, just not as much.  I am still very much, stuck in Shrek-mode, unable to do anything that would be noticeable, which would set off the wife, again.  So I am stuck, slowly sinking into the swamp, reading how others around me are sinking too, maybe for different reasons, but sinking nonetheless.  I am not bitter, resentful, or angry at any of them, who -are- transitioning, as my decision was mine alone to make.  Doesn't make it any easier.
This is not about me, this is about you.  You were in a bad place, but please, believe, you are a beautiful girl, one I would trade places with in a nanosecond.  But I would not want anyone to trade, or be where I am.  You -will- get to a good place, like I am tryingto tell myself, it will just take time.

Neverending Hugs!

Emily, I sincerely wish I lived a little closer to you than I do. Unfortunately I'm a little north of Tampa in a small town called Floral City.

Your post hit home with me so hard I'm on the verge of tears. I too am so all alone. While I do have one friend and his Mother I talk to over Skype daily, I've no MTF friends, and the other friends I had who were supportive have abandoned me as well. Even an MTF girl I met here on Susan's I got close to and thought was my best friend has recently abandoned me. Like you I have no one. But as another posted this isn't about me, it's about you.

Your beautiful Emily. I'd give everything I have to look half as good as you. How your being misgendered is beyond my capability of understanding. I do wish I was there to give you a huge hug in person, and to let you know that things will get better. Going by your ticker your only 3 months in on hrt. Your legs and butt will improve in time, you'll see. I know I was very disappointed a month ago in my face. It seemed like there were no changes so I'm walking around with the body of a female and the face of a man. I felt horrible for days -until I by accident had ran across a photo taken before I started my hrt. I quicky noticed how my brow had shrunk, and my sunken cheeks had began to fill in. Hrt takes a lot of time hun and it is easy to get discouraged by the seemingly lack of changes. Your pelvis will soon tilt emphasizing your butt arching your lower back a little, and the legs. Your legs will feminize and become very soft and shapely very soon.

As for being alone, your not, at least not in the state of Florida. I'm here for you any time you need a shoulder I'm only a pm away. In the meantime please remember your young, and beautiful, and there are other MTF's here in Florida. In fact, I recently vacationed the last two weeks in March in the Lake Okeechobee area, and while there I attended an LGBT Pride Fest in Lake Worth. I met so many great people there, I'm sincerely thinking of selling or renting my home and moving down there. Lake Worth isn't that far from Miami, and they have their Pride Celebrations regularly. It might be worth your looking into depending on what part of Miami you live in.

Well, sweetie I hope I've helped a little. Just please know there's another MTF here in Florida who knows how you feel about being alone. What I wouldn't give for a hug in person from another Transwoman who knew what I was going through, and how I am feeling. To me it would be priceless. In the meantime we have these wonderful ladies and gents here on Susan's to see us through these difficult times until things get better. Hope for the future is all I have. I know it's not much but I'm sending some down to you.

Best wishes.

Ally

I just wanted to respond to this post because I made the unwise personal decision to post this on a friday right before getting out of work and going into my usual inactive weekends (i spend my weekends out of home and doing things to keep my mind occupied so my only access to this site is through tapatalk and seeing as I have a preference for making long and obnoxious posts lol, I never have time to truly and whole-heartedly respond to a topic over the weekend).

I just wanted to come back and say that I feel a helluva lot better than I was on Friday, thanks in large part to all of you. Thank you all so much for the kind comments and responses... And to all who messaged me as well... I really felt a sense of community that I was looking for, even if only online. I'm glad that I have such a wonderful site with such wonderful people to rely on if I'm ever in a deep dark hole, and while I know a day like Friday was my first time experiencing that sort of inner turmoil, I know it won't be my last... but I also now know that it's just a temporary pain and a temporary part of the ride we all go through, and to add to that ~ I also know that I have at least one place I can come to, filled with plenty of beautiful people ( here, obviously lol ) to help push me along the way.

So yeah... I just really wanted to thank you all for your responses, you played a huge part in saving me from myself <3

To add a more lighter note and more positive side to all of this; it seems it is true that it is always darkest before the dawn... because this weekend i noticed my legs and butt had gotten smoother and (this might sound weird) SHINY... i'm not sure what causes my skin to shine the way it does, its almost velvety, which is really strange for me but I like it lol. My boobs also got bigger and the shedding phase from my first laser appointment began to take effect, allowing me to finally start seeing the girl in the mirror, if even in just a smiling glimmer on my face or a sparkle of my eye, last night... for the first time. And while it was a result of seeing so many changes, I can not deny that it was also a result of being given so much positive energy from all of you... to put it simply, you were the left hand that helped pull me out of my dysphoria (or dysmorphia if you wanna call it that) combined with the right hand (my wife, my best friend who happened to coincidentally text me friday afternoon after not having spoken to me for months, and showing me a trans success story because it reminded her of me [sent me straight to tears but made me happy to hear from my best girl-friend and seeing that she is still thinking of me after so long] and going to a little kink party [they are like a 2nd family to me] allowing me to feel like myself again, without judgement or fear or worry) that pushed me OUT of my deep dark hole and back into the light.

Thanks again <3 a million times.

 

I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say we're happy to hear your back out into the light Emily. It's also very nice to hear your wife still cares about you. I know that message from her must have made you feel better.

All my Best!

Ally

>_< oops, I misspoke, I meant to say my ex-best friend, not my wife lol... Me and my wife are still happily married and living together, hell~ she is 50% of the physical support I get (the other 50% being my mom)

Misspoke again -_- meant to say that my wife AND my ex best friend helped to bring me back to the light, along with everything else I mentioned... Tapatalk is being an incredible pain in my rear and forcing me to repost instead of edit my previous one

Ok, so long as I'm not going crazy. At least not worse than usual.

Uhm, yea, I'm very happy to hear you have such great support Emily. Also that your getting back to normal. We all go through bad patches once in a while. When they happen to me I have my SO, my friend Reaver Marcus & his Mom, and all these wonderful ladies and gents here on Susan's.

Also remember, if you ever need a one on one with another MTF here in Florida your welcome to pm me. I'm on Skype and fb too.

Ally