Okay, first off, say that title ten times fast, I dare you.

Couldn't do it, could you? Well, cheers for trying anyway.

So, I noticed that a few folks here have started ongoing diary threads, and I figured why not join the party. I need Susan's right now, and since I don't plan on wandering off for a while, I figured I might as well claim a spot and get a little comfortable. Set up an address, so to speak.

This thread will be a place for me to post updates on major happenings in my life concerning me, my life, my thoughts, troubles, and concerns, as well as my search for identity.  Essentially, it's my Dear Diary (or Dear Mr. Henshaw), only I'm sharing it with all of you.

I'm trying to learn to share, to be open, so that I can face whatever is coming with honesty and open eyes. I need to be honest to my therapist. I need to be honest with my wife. I need to be honest to myself. I need to be honest. I need to be.

I really don't want to do this alone.

Bear with me.

Sincerely,
Tegan

Entry One-Monday

Okay, so I called the appointment line for the gender specialist today, and although I knew I was only speaking to someone in the appointment center, it was still an incredibly difficult thing to do. But I did it. My appointment is in a little less than a week, next Thursday at 8 AM. It also happens to be my first day of summer.

Anyway, ever since I made that call – in fact, even while I was on hold – I've been having pretty major dysphoria.

It honestly doesn't usually hit me in a physical way unless there is actual heartbreak concerned, but today it is. My dysphoria manifests in spasms. First I get twitchy in my leg or in my hands. If it gets worse, I really do double over in weird little spasms, as though I'm reacting to a cramp. This usually happens while I am driving, and deep in thought. No, they're not dangerous to my driving, but very uncomfortable to me.

Anyway, I started having these as soon I was placed on hold. They've been hitting intermittently ever since I made that call.

I went bowling to let loose some of the nervous energy, but I can still feel it, even after drinking four beers.

My secret is becoming harder to keep. My wife, very kindly, offered to help shape my eyebrows this weekend before we had a makeup lesson.

Well, she did shape my eyebrows, and at least from my view, the change is pretty dramatic. In other words, I feel it's impossible to hide. I still have a week and a half until summer vacation, and I feel like I may have jumped the gun. I am pretty sure that some of my students noticed the change today, even before I took off my sunglasses.

In fact, one of my favorite students told me that I wanted to talk to her after school. Not that she wanted to talk to me, but that I wanted to talk to her.

I don't make it a point to make 17-year-olds my confidantes, but if I did she would be it. We sort of adopted each other at the start of the year, and even though she isn't even enrolled in any of my classes, she has become like family. Despite the fact that she did not show up after school today, I am pretty sure we'll be having a talk tomorrow. She's come to me with very personal problems, and I was there for her in those times. Consequently, she cares about me in a very reciprocal way (not a crush, I assure you), and although I don't divulge a whole lot to her, she can always tell when there's something wrong. Still, I'm not sure if I am ready to come out to a student.

I don't know; maybe the changes I saw in the mirror yesterday weren't dramatic enough for me. They were dramatic, but not transforming. I guess that, in a way, I felt let-down.

But now with my eyebrows, there really is no way to deny just how far I'm going. And now I have an appointment, a set date. I'm scared.

I mean, if the specialist confirms what I suspect may be the case, then that's a whole Pandora's box of difficulties, isn't it? Do I want that? Can I handle it?

Anyway, the dysphoria is acting up. Having taken a couple of first steps, I guess I feel disappointed at what I see, and am nervous about the possibility of disappointments in the future, which is causing a visceral reaction in my gut.

Anyway, lots going in in my head right now.

Comforting words? Helpful advice? Pensive thoughts?   
Please share.

Sincerely,
Tegan

UPDATE: will not be telling the student. She is sweet, trustworthy, and would understand, but it's simply not the right time, and altogether not a good idea.

Also, the eyebrows aren't as bad as I thought. I've started wearing my hair forward and kind of messy, and for some reason it makes the eyebrows look much more natural. Also, my wife let me her eyebrow filler, and the slight shape correction I can make with it (until the hair grows back in that spot or two, makes a huge difference, from my eyes. I'm generally pretty satisfied now.

Quote from: Evelyn K on June 03, 2014, 01:01:13 AM
Maybe for the member blogs section?

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,326.0.html

I thought new blogs were on hold, hence the need for diary style threads, I could be wrong though. I know I love my blog and I update it several times a month.

Quote from: Evelyn K on June 03, 2014, 01:33:57 AM
Oh really? I din't know. But is this the best place for personal diaries?

This is the thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,145568.0.html that I am thinking about.

@OP, I love your impressive use of alliteration in the title

Am I not supposed to start an ongoing thread like this?

Help me out, I'm confused.

Hi Tegs,
You made the call - one of the toughest I have ever done.  You once told me you wanted to be a pretty girl.  Well you are, and it seems like you are going to make that real to more than just a few of us, including yourself.  Don't ever let me give you the impression that this is all rainbows and unicorns, although for me right now it is.  I think you will find out an amazing amount about yourself and where you fit in the world.  You are loving and special, and that is known and understood by k, and by the people, students and staff with whom you work and teach.

You know where I am - and you can call anytime.  You are one of the few people here that if you need me to, I can jump on a jet and be in LA in a matter of hours.  I love you my sister, and wish you nothing but knowledge and enchantment.

Jules

BTW I can't do the ten times thing.  Three is ok, but ten?  come on ....

Well, I'm back.

The last few weeks have been rough. Since my birthday, things just kept getting worse at home. By the final week of school, things were hot and cold from one day to the next with my wife, and by Sunday night preceding the first day of Summer break for me, things just melted down. On both ends things were said and done that were regrettable. I stayed with my parents for a week. We texted back and forth and missed each other an awful lot, but agreed a little time and distance was what was needed.

During this time, I met with my special therapist for the first time, but even three appointments in I feel like all we've really discussed is damage control, since that's what's been dominating my thoughts of late.

My wife and I met and had a "conference" just this past Saturday and I defined for her what Questioning means for me and the leeway that I will need as I explore this. She explained what she is comfortable seeing and not seeing right now. We kissed and made up and I came home.

This week is my first real week of vacation. I'm still trying to ease into relaxation mode. This afternoon I'm having lunch with a friend who I'm 50% sure is going to "break up with me" because the drama in my life apparently makes him uncomfortable. Or possibly he will apologize for turning his back last week when I kind of needed him. We'll see.

Anyway, I'm back. I'm tired, but I'm back.

Sincerely,
Tegan

Hi Tegs,
I've been worried about you - Glad you're back, I miss your voice around here.  If you need a place to hide out I have a room rented in Port Angeles for that expressed reason.  It is beautiful and quiet and JR (who owns the house) is an amazing person.  You are free to use it as a retreat if you need to.  Let me know.

You might want to look at this discussion among fellow non-gender specific questioners.  It is pretty amazing, at least until I chimed in.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,167687.0.html

Anyway, welcome home little sis,

j

Thank you, Julie.

Ugh, not a good emotional place right now. The friend stormed off when I tried to explain that my self harm (black eye) had nothing to do with him. I want to feel well, but I need patience and a little understanding. I'm sorry that we can be so raw when we're in a time of crisis.

I sent this text after he left: "Matt, I don't know what exactly you want from me. I was depressed and now I have to apologize for having an ungraceful moment? I'm sorry, Matt, but that honestly had nothing to do with you. It wasn't something that built up or was planned- I hit a particularly rough patch, and that happened. I have no intention to hurt my wife and she had no intention to hurt me, and neither of us have any intention to end our own lives, but we are both going through a hard time, and that means people need to be a bit patient with us. Not judgmental. Patient and understanding.

I appreciated that you had concern, but with all sincere respect my problems are not yours and I need neither clear them with you or explain them while I am having them. That's not disrespect, it's an understanding that I get to live my own life, and deal with things at my own pace and my own way. Please respect my autonomy as I respect yours. My respect for your autonomy is the reason that I didn't prod for more information the times that you called me in distress. My desire for information or assurance doesn't trump your comfort in those situations.

Matt, I'm sorry that our problems made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry that you interpreted me as a user because I tried to take you up on your offer for a place to go. I'm sorry that made you angry, but you honestly had no reason to be angry since nobody did anything to you.

I know that you are feeling a lot of anger because you stormed off in a dramatic fashion just a few minutes ago. And I'm sorry if I seemed standoffish, but it's hard to get excited about going to meet a friend for a "break-up" beer. Especially when said friend decided to turn you away when things got hairy.

I wasn't even sure what this was going to be- a setup for a breakup or a makeup. I wasn't sure if you were expecting an apology from me, or if you would want to offer one instead.

As quickly as you stormed off right now, though, it feels like you were uncomfortable enough to be almost waiting for a reason to leave. I get that. It's uncomfortable feeling uncomfortable.

I never claimed to you that I'm an uncomplicated person, or that I was easy. I never promised to you that, as a friend, I could shield you from every messy detail of my life. But as a friend, I trusted you and let you in. And you should know that my loyalty really has no limit. I'd have been carted away in that police car backing you up just as easily as I did defending Katie.

Matt, I want you to think about why you're angry. What did we do to you? You said to call you in emergencies, you said that you were our best friends. Well, we both contacted you during emergencies, times of real emotional distress. Times when we weren't even rational. Sometimes a friend just needs someone to listen, and sometimes we need some space with the simultaneous assurance that someone is there closeby.

We both turned to you, as you told us to multiple times, and now you seem upset with us, as though we haven't measured up somehow. As though we turned out to be too much trouble.

I want you to know that the times we were there for you, there was no judgment. None at all.

Matt, K and I love each other, but we are going through a confusing time that is bound to have its ups and downs. We are both getting professional help as we deal with things. But we love each other and we are going to continue to try to make it work for as long as we can because we REALLY do love each other, with all our hearts. We should not have to defend that.

Still, sometimes we need a little support. Please don't be upset that we came to you for support that was both needed and offered.

You know as well as I do that feelings and emotions can get exaggerated when things go foul.

With that said, though, the ball really is in your court. I'm not going to beg you, like I said, and not out of stubbornness, but because of the fact that friends should not not have to beg friends for the right to be flawed. Friendship should not be so fickle or conditional.

Clearly I thought highly of you and of the friendship of you both. I'm not sure why else I would agree to such an uncomfortable meeting as today. I hope you can see some truth in my words. If you'd like to start over, let me know. It'd be great to hang out with you guys this Summer, it really would. If we're just too much trouble, though, then that makes me sad, but I'm going to have to try to move on since I just can't live my life according to somebody else. Either way, you'll get your comics back once I round them up. And if it's the latter, I will honestly miss you guys."

I don't know, maybe I'm being a bitch. I just don't know best else I can do or say right now.

Matt is the first guy I've trusted enough to call a best friend in years.

Goddamnit.

I just feel like a jerk. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't a jerk. I don't know.

-Teg

Tegs,
I'm in an training session and on my phone so forgive everything wrong with this.  It's not that you are so needy, nor is it that you are so complex that gets in your way.  I think it is more existential than that.  You are struggling with gender identity,  how that relates to your most important relationship,  and a mental twist that includes hurting yourself as a distraction to how you are feeling.  That is asking a lot of a friend who is coming from a, frankly, more normal world view.

You are the one who is experiencing dysphoria, few people are really skilled at understanding this.  IDK if you can separate who you are, to deal with other folks understanding and their own fears and concerns.  But counselors,  people here and maybe a few rather enlightened souls are probably more helpful resources.  If you find one of the latter call me, and I'll follow him/her around.

Love ya and talk to you soon,

J