i'm starting to doubt who am i. no matter what i do to try and quench these feelings of complete identity lost (transgender aside) i cant find my answers. i am quiet, i'm shy, highly anti-social but when i get warmed up, i'm fun loving and dorky. i dont fit into any category of any hierarchy. i'm not comfortable in my own skin to the point i wish i would just disappear. i cry until my eyes bleed but yet i'm not depressed. i cut, and burn myself but yet there isnt a reason other than to conform that i am alive. i am rejected by my classified gender (male) but yet i cant hang around females without feeling disconnected. i am just a shadow, a husk, an empty soul forced to live an empty life. my identity, my purpose, my dreams and hopes, all stripped from me and i float in the void of sorrow and all i have to comfort me is my broken dreams. I dont know who am anymore. ever since my journey, a piece of me is being taken slowly and painfully leaving a bitter cold heart. like a sheep tied to a pole and left i graze the grass around me but i'm slowly starving. i want to be free but idk what i should do anymore. i'm not depressed, i'm just lost. i want to finally know who am i so i can finally cut this rope and finally grow and live

What do you value? What people (real or fictional) do you like and why?

guess i never really stopped to think about that. i've always been on cruise control because i become so disconnected from reality. i guess i am a lost kitten left in a box on a rainy day. all i was doing was trying to survive and never really sat down to form actually bonds. what i value? i used to think i valued a safe place rather than a harsh environment. i use to believe not showing emotions was by far the most important thing because if i shed a tear, it would show how broken i really am. becoming callus and numb, hiding from the truth just to escape my suffering, and when i do break, i'm called insane, sent to athe psychiatric ward and mental labels are pinned on me. i just feel like i was put on this earth to do another male's plaything. after being raped so many times, i get that fear that when other men look at me, all they want me for is a sex toy. even other females try to use me as a sex toy. i just dont know who i am if i strip away everything down to the studs and rebuild. i guess thats ok starting from the beginning but it makes me scared

lol That's not what I meant, but that's ok. Answer the second question. Who (real or fictional) do you like and what do you like about them?

Quote from: Edge on June 03, 2014, 11:03:29 PM
lol That's not what I meant, but that's ok. Answer the second question. Who (real or fictional) do you like and what do you like about them?

i dont know. most people just play with me like i'm some toy. those very few who i bond with, i end up hurting them in some way

So there are no famous people or fictional characters that you like at all? Are there any personality traits you admire such as intelligence, creativity, and stuff like that?
Forget about the social stuff for a moment. Sorry if this sounds harsh and/or obvious. You are asking who you are. You are not asking how other people treat you or how you feel about other people. You are asking who you are.
The reason I ask about what you admire in other people is because people tend to admire traits they value which is useful if you don't know what you value. Finding out what you value is a good stepping stone to finding out who you are.

Quote from: Edge on June 03, 2014, 11:45:04 PM
So there are no famous people or fictional characters that you like at all? Are there any personality traits you admire such as intelligence, creativity, and stuff like that?

there is the main character from the book call the paper doll rules. she is half alien who is basically a lab rat but she manages to escape with the help of the one person who actually betrayed her. her name is Ariane Tucker. she was named after her "father" dead daughter. she was given 5 rules to follow but she ended up falling in love with a human being and broke every rule.

What do you like about her?

Quote from: Edge on June 03, 2014, 11:50:01 PM
What do you like about her?

its the fact that she broke all the rules just for the sake of love and she cared about her friends to the point that she sacrificed her cover and was captured. i just wish i could do something like that. that type of life i yearn for. to fall in love that simple and it would be the type that i would sacrifice my life over to protect. being betrayed but also knowing that i will be protected by the person who betrayed me and pretended just to keep me safe though they know what they are doing will only hurt me in the end

Would you say that you value love? Perhaps unconditional love?

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 11:53:27 PMthough they know what they are doing will only hurt me in the end.

Why do you like that part?

Quote from: Edge on June 03, 2014, 11:56:21 PM
Would you say that you value love? Perhaps unconditional love?Why do you like that part?

because it goes to show that some people are not all bad. some people dont see you as a toy to play with whenever they please.

there's also Pierce from the book seris, Abandon. its the story of Persephone and Hades but dark reimagined 

That sounds cool. I like mythology. Sorry for the mini derailment.

And we're back to the other people's opinions thing. What is your opinion of yourself? Not other people's opinions of you or how you feel about other people's opinions of you.

Quote from: Edge on June 04, 2014, 12:16:38 AM
That sounds cool. I like mythology. Sorry for the mini derailment.

And we're back to the other people's opinions thing. What is your opinion of yourself? Not other people's opinions of you or how you feel about other people's opinions of you.

idk anymore. i hate myself and love myself at the same time. i hate my life but yet this is my only life so i should live it to the fullest. i never really expected to have survived this long. i always thought i would of just died off a while ago but to my surprise, i'm still here, forcing me to reevaluate every aspect of my life. i dont fit into this puzzle of life yet i try fail and try again to become a part of it but it just not working

What would you like your life to be like?

I'm going to talk about myself for a bit, but it's to show you're not alone. (The reason I warn is because I've had at least one person get confused by that before.) I know that being raped and used can strip a person of who they are. I'm still not sure how it does that. I just know that when I was, I lost all sense of who I am. I know how confusing it is to be told by people who don't like me very much who they think I am with absolute conviction that what they're saying is fact. I know that trying to act normal so, hopefully, people won't hurt me anymore is exhausting and ends up taking up all the room in my head so there's no room for me in there. It's just full of these other people. I know that being taught that I'm insane and out of control makes me even more out of control and makes me doubt myself and my perceptions.
Does that sound familiar?
This is just my advice and what has worked for me. I'm going to try and leave out the stuff you've probably heard before though like therapy and DBT and stuff.
This is going to take a long time. Pick a small step and deal with that first. Figuring out who you are is a life long thing since people change over time. Personally, I love this, but I'm a brain fanboy.
One of the most profound realizations for me was realizing that I am very strong. Like you, I didn't expect to survive, but I did. I thought I couldn't handle it, but I was the whole time. Nothing had managed to take me down permanently and I made a decision that nothing ever would.
As for figuring out who you are, I really think that first you need to mentally separate yourself from other people and how they treat you. You are not how people treat you. You are your own person. I'd also suggest deciding not to try to force yourself to fit into puzzle.
There are tricks for helping to figure out who you are like figuring out what you value, what you like, etc. Personality tests can sometimes help. Mostly, it requires a lot of introspection.

I hope I made sense.

well, i always wanted to be a cop. always dreamed of being on the K9 unit. just something about it gives me a seems of enjoyment, a sense of purpose. of course my mother is scared to death about me wanted to be a cop saying if i get a gun, i might end up killing myself with it because i would get depressed, which really makes me upset because no one sees me and they only see the mental illness. guess i really dont know myself as well as i thought, but maybe this is a good thing in a sense

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 04, 2014, 11:38:20 AM
which really makes me upset because no one sees me and they only see the mental illness.

I got this too. This is their problem and not a reflection on you.

A cop sounds cool. What would you need to do to become one? The K9 unit is the one with dogs right? Do you like dogs?

Quote from: Edge on June 04, 2014, 11:52:05 AM
I got this too. This is their problem and not a reflection on you.

A cop sounds cool. What would you need to do to become one? The K9 unit is the one with dogs right? Do you like dogs?

i do. some academies require an associate's degree, some dont but imma go for my associates than apply. the K9 unit, your chosen by your performance, and i already have rifle training so i'm good on the big gun lessons

Excellent. That sounds like a good plan.
What do you like about becoming a cop?

Quote from: Edge on June 04, 2014, 11:56:08 AM
Excellent. That sounds like a good plan.
What do you like about becoming a cop?

i guess its going back to the whole protection aspect. plus i always wanted to be a cop when i was a kid. catch the bad guys, be the heroine of the day. but now, its the idea that i would be doing some good, validating my own existence and not letting anyone else do that for me. to become what other people say i couldnt and basically be a human being instead of a lost soul forced to wonder an endless non existing hell of a life. wanted to be a contractor and a doctor. hell i even wanted to be a therapist which i still might do. all i know is that being a cop is the path that is screaming the loudest and my gut is telling me to go for it because thats something i have a passion for even though that passion is invisible. lets just say fate is finally playing its role in my life lol

That's really cool. Go for it!