Here's the thing. I got clocked. Quite early on. It wasn't until recently that I found out that everyone is talking about me. A friend of mine told me. It's not only people who work with me that know, it's just everyone, people I don't even know, or see on a day-to-day basis.

I don't believe in coincidences, when I was in a taxi, I got into a small conversation with the driver, who turned out to have worked there, he got fired unfortunately. He made me aware that everyone knows/talks about me, and that it's no secret. He was quite close to our manager, so I'm pretty sure he knows as well.

What bothers me is that even though people that are on such high position, where they could do sth, ignore it. I thought, hmm, maybe they don't do anything about it because they don't want me to be aware of what's being said about me in order for me not to get offended in case I'm not trans.

It's important for me to stress to you that I've never faced any sort of discrimination, attack, assault or anything of that sort. I'm happy and appreciative that I live in a country where my rights are respected.

However, if someone new starts working there, people are just so carefree talking about me. Interesting fact is, there's another trans co-worker at my job, and when I started working there, everyone was telling me about her first thing in the morning, like, every person I was getting to know, was telling me about her so casually and carefree. They know about her because she's worked there since before her transition.

Is there anything I can do? I don't want to change my job yet, I initially saw my current job as a thing I wanna do for couple more years, but me getting clocked kind of gave me a kick to move forward in life and not stagnate, which is good, but the point is... Should I bother? I read some facebook status or sth like that recently that said, that laws are made only by people who make their voices heard, so it got me thinking.

At the same time, I'm aware teamleaders and managers know, and they didn't do anything about it. Maybe if they were more persistent in their message of making it clear, that slandering and gossiping about someone behind their back is not accepted, things would change, but I just don't know. I feel like an idiot for fighting for my good name, but at the same time, I don't want to be besmeared.

Any thoughts?

Hi there crowcrow to be honest if I where you in your situation I would be very pleased that even though they talk about you nobody is acting strange or ignoring you ,to me that signifies acceptence and is that not what We all want out of life .It would be different if you where getting hassled at work .I would say just enjoy the fact that you are accepted and make the best of it

Love Anita

See if there are any laws for your state that they are violating ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_employment_discrimination_in_the_United_States ) then call a lawyer that will take the case for a percentage of the settlement amount.

There is no reason you should continue working there if they are all being disrespectful and the supervisors don't even care! It makes me nervous because my work doesn't know anything yet.  I think a lot of them just think I am a gay guy and that's fine with me... for now!

If I were you, I would request some information from one of the organizations in your area that teach people about ->-bleeped-<-. Use this as a way to inform people that it is not good to out someone without their permission. It can be taken as a form of discrimination. It can also be seen as slander/character assassination. I do suggest you do not use any of those terms as you do not want to be seen as a trouble maker.

I would try to gently confront some of the higher-ups, not with any feelings about your personal situation but with any relevant statutes or protections you have on paper. If it's not dire that you summon and fight the demon that currently exists, it might be more effective to point out that other transpeople are not going to want to be casually outed. Sometimes staff don't realize there are legalities involved, or that this can be a very big deal for some people.

It is not proper or ethical for people to gossip and the higher ups to not intervene. The only problem with making a legal stink is it could make you unemployable in the future. Being trans and finding employment is sometimes hard enough in itself so I would not add on being a boat rocker as well. Chance are you would never get a big enough legal settlement to where you would never have to work again. Think about all sides and outcomes before you consult or hire a lawyer. 

Quote from: Brooke777 on June 05, 2014, 10:36:15 PM
I do suggest you do not use any of those terms as you do not want to be seen as a trouble maker.

That's my biggest fear, and that's what infuriates me. I'm being slandered, talked about, mocked, laughed at, which pushes me to having suicidal thoughts, everyday for me is pretty much a struggle, and a fear, yet I'm the one who's gonna be labeled trouble maker? Great

I don't want them to hate me, so no lawyers, no laws, no nothing, I wanna be super polite, raise my points, live in peace with them.

I think you are on the right track there with wanting to peace it out.

If it was me, I would embrace my transness and not fear what they had to say. Being well accepted is all that really matters, and having to hide something such as being trans is not important (to me at least). I understand for you it may be different, but I feel that being open and not afraid to be who you are shows more strength than anything.

My suggestion is to talk calmly and test the waters, be proud of yourself and how far you have had to come in your lifetime. Test the waters with some of the people you are close with, do not show a hint of fear about anything. There is nothing wrong with being trans and you should not have fear that you will be seen as a lesser person for any reason. If you play it right, it could end up being quite the opposite

I think I may suggest a different point of view.

I transitioned on the job, which as hard on my colleagues and they responded wonderfully, I changed my name from Peter to Peta (for track record reasons) and then wanted to use my middle and preferred (and legal middle) name - Cindy.

I told one or two people, within a week or so everyone was referring to me as Cindy, and apologising when they used Peta. Obviously people had been talking - but they had been talking positively, I feel they want and do accept me - but they have never met a trans*woman before (hate the term but need to use it in context) so I think people like us, if we are strong enough, give leeway for people to talk about us, question us, open up to us.

I have had quite incredible conversations with people at work both male and female on the issues that we face - they never knew we faced those problems - unless they talk and discuss they cannot learn.

I have not received an insult or a bad comment, yes some ignorant ones but hey ignorance is something we can deal with. We owe it to our brothers and sisters to face up to ignorance and to explain and deal with it.

It is one of the reasons that I find stealth a difficult concept, at least for me.

I am a woman who was born with natal male 'bits'. That is a hard concept for many people deal with - no matter how open minded they are.
Talking about it is important and positive - being disrespectful is a very different issue and one I will crush without mercy.

I'm in a similar boat to Cindy. I came out at work and transitioned there. It's been a bit over two months. My colleagues have been great. In fact it's the ones I'm not that close to that have been the best at getting my name and gender right. I guess the ones I've known the longest and are closest to are the ones who are having the hardest time and keep slipping up. We'll get there. When I think about how supportive the work experience has been I wonder why I wasn't out about it ten years ago!!

Anyway, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I can understand the desire to be stealth but if the cat is out of the bag it's an opportunity to get them to appreciate you for the person you are. Personally I found the only way to deal with gossip is to tackle it head on, being open about my status gave gossip nowhere to hide.

Quote from: crowcrow223 on June 06, 2014, 02:25:09 AM
That's my biggest fear, and that's what infuriates me. I'm being slandered, talked about, mocked, laughed at, which pushes me to having suicidal thoughts, everyday for me is pretty much a struggle, and a fear, yet I'm the one who's gonna be labeled trouble maker? Great

I don't want them to hate me, so no lawyers, no laws, no nothing, I wanna be super polite, raise my points, live in peace with them.

I can fully understand the feelings you are having here, and the fear. I personally believe that if you approach it from an educational point of view, as apposed to an angry point of view, that the company/organization will respond much better. They already seem to be accepting people, therefore they should not get worked up over being taught the proper ways of handling such situations. I know that in the U.S., there are several organizations that will work with management to ensure the entire company population is educated properly.

what a great opportunity to be out and fully yourself at the same time!  All without the pain of the coming-out process.  It is a chance for you to make new friends and get to know how to interact as a woman in the workplace.  I would also take the opportunity to get feedback on things people find 'male' about the way I presented (not looks, but social and work interaction related).  It would also be a good chance for you to help your sisters by pointing out (to the right people at the right time in the right way) situations where women are being treated differently / unfairly around the job.  It may even result in some romance, if you play it right! 

I say embrace it!

And it does sound like you do not want to "fight" but peacefully coexist.  For me part of being transgender and not passing completely is to accept a level of undesired celebrity.  Yes people gawk, whisper, and gossip but we (and the mangers) will never be able to control that completely and it does afford us opportunities to educate and present to others the positive and, for me, deliriously happy face of being out and proud.

Occasionally friends or relatives will say that I am "testy" and "unapologetic" but it seems being quiet and hidden for decades was far worse.

Hang in there

Thank you all.

I respect all of your posts, but You don't get that. When I wasn't "out", I have heard what they say about the other coworker I mentioned in my first post which was also a trans woman. The amount of slurs, hatred, bigotry, swears, vulgar and obscene words have I not heard in a long time.

It was kind of like.. Hi nice to meet you, and oh, by the way, if you look over there, that's really a guy.

These people do NOT want to know you, your problems, your experiences, you're an outcast, a freak, sth that should be avoided, a literal 100th Jay-Z problem lol.

No point bothering with educational pieces and stuff, it's not about that.

That's why I hate being out, the way people see you changes, the way they treat you, it's just not the same. I want to be stealth... Otherwise it's bad for my mental health.

I'll keep you updated, thank You

Girl you gotta get out of there! You need to have a stable job where you feel respected or else you are going to lose your mind! Look for another job and then go out swinging. Bring a lawsuit, call a news station, do whatever you need.

I sure hope things start looking up for you! It's stressing me out just thinking how you must feel

I should hopefully have a meeting with HR next week, where I'm gonna ask them to intervene and be serious, and clear, and precise, to every person working there, explaining they can't just out me to everyone they like. and that this topic should be ditched for ever, and ever.

I'm getting really scared sometimes, when I see new groups of people that have the induction, walk around the department where I'm working, I'm literally getting physically sick and extremely nervous, what if there's someone who, once they told them, will attempt to kill me or will be exceptionally hateful? Ok, I can tell the teamleaders and stuff, but the scar stays.

Every little weird stare stays with me. Every little thing just stays.

Maybe my case will trigger a positive change, we'll see.

Haha, FilaFord, don't worry Everyday at my work is quite nice and peaceful, it's just what's going on behind my back, which sometimes floats to the surface and I can see it.

I respect you or anyone's personal decision to go stealth and have heard plenty of homo and transphobic slurs from all sorts of sources.  I found that if I spoke up real haters simply cooled the rhetoric when I was around and continued business as usual when I wasn't.  It is true that some people are relatively ineducable and hurtful to us but frankly I don't give them a place in my conscious thinking, they don't deserve it.

Quote from: crowcrow223 on June 07, 2014, 04:27:04 AM
I should hopefully have a meeting with HR next week, where I'm gonna ask them to intervene and be serious, and clear, and precise, to every person working there, explaining they can't just out me to everyone they like. and that this topic should be ditched for ever, and ever.

I'm getting really scared sometimes, when I see new groups of people that have the induction, walk around the department where I'm working, I'm literally getting physically sick and extremely nervous, what if there's someone who, once they told them, will attempt to kill me or will be exceptionally hateful? Ok, I can tell the teamleaders and stuff, but the scar stays.

Every little weird stare stays with me. Every little thing just stays.

Maybe my case will trigger a positive change, we'll see.

Haha, FilaFord, don't worry Everyday at my work is quite nice and peaceful, it's just what's going on behind my back, which sometimes floats to the surface and I can see it.

Hi there,
I really sorry to hear that you are going through a lot of stress and pain but if you're out you're out and there is no way to but the genie back in the bottle. Given this, it looks like you have two serious alternatives:

1. Confront the rumour mongering head on and use the opportunity to educate people on what it means to be trans.  I know nothing about your company but it probably means going to your H.R.  department, talking about your situation and suggesting it would be a good idea to bring someone in to clarify the situation.

2. If you really want to be stealth, you have to quit a start afresh somewhere else as a woman from the outset but even then, I really don't know how feasible it is for most of us to be completely stealth.

Based on my own, painful,  experience of transtioning at work, the most difficult thing for most people is seeing a person they had previously known as a guy as a woman. Even when they are very respectful, supporting etc.. deep down most people I know still struggle with it.

Since I doubt I can ever be fully stealth, this means that while doing everthing possible to present in a way that doesn't creat discomfort for others, I am also perfectly OK with people knowing that I'm a trans woman. In no way does that make me any less of a human being than others. On the contrary, embracing this destiny requires an inner strenght and a level of personal awareness that you can be proud of.

Wishing you all the best!
Donna 

My company and in particular my boss have done their best to squash people outing me to others. It still happens but not near as often and the people they tell rarely believe it anymore. I have had a few ask if the rumor is true. I ask them why they go around believing rumors.

Quote from: Tessa James on June 07, 2014, 11:59:29 AM
frankly I don't give them a place in my conscious thinking, they don't deserve it.

I respect and am thankul for your opinion, it's cute, but it's only easy to post it online. When a friend of yours, comes up to you, and tells you that a guy approached her, asking whether "I was a man before", because his mates think I am, then it isn't cute any longer.

Thanks Donna and KAT.

I wish I acted upon this situation sooner but hey-ho...