Wanting to be Daphnie from Scooby Doo. (That and she also got to wear purple and have red hair)

Purple and red hair are two things I like, along with freckles. Gypsy have freckles?

Omg!  I wanted to be Daphne too!

Now I know what my comiccon costume is gonna be!

Quote from: Emmaline on June 07, 2014, 08:07:17 AM
Omg!  I wanted to be Daphne too!

Mine were a toss-up between Dotty Dog, Portia Porcupine, Red Fraggle, Mookie Fraggle and Rebecca Cunnigham.

Fred, he at least got close to Daphne.

Now this is interesting? I identified with belma (we both wear glasses and had brown hair)
I was never to bothered about daphne, I just always wondered why belma never tried to upstage daphne.
I loved the film for that.
I don't know, in a way ive always been able to see through a lot of external presentation. yes somebody can look amazing, but its always the inner person that makes or breaks a presentation.

Its just something, Ive noticed with this, how I loved identifying with woman because of things I had in common with them, as well as envy at the things I wanted to do. (belma wore a skirt too a red/brown one I think pleated?)

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on June 07, 2014, 12:53:24 PM
Mine were a toss-up between Dotty Dog, Portia Porcupine, Red Fraggle, Mookie Fraggle and Rebecca Cunnigham.

Omg the Fraggles! I always saw myself as Wembley(spelling may be off). Wanted to be a Paw Paw Bear and Flint too.

To get back on the rails, those dreams where I was the guy in a relationship should have been a clue.

Quote from: Silver Centurion on June 07, 2014, 01:45:15 PM
Omg the Fraggles! I always saw myself as Wembley(spelling may be off).

Nope. It's right.

Quote from: LordKAT on June 07, 2014, 01:47:59 PM
To get back on the rails, those dreams where I was the guy in a relationship should have been a clue.

I experienced the same thing but didn't know what to make of it either.

Quote from: Jill F on May 14, 2014, 03:33:21 PM
OMG, I've been trying to shove that junk back up in there since as long as I can remember!  Never did have a use for it until high school.  When I was about 5 or 6, my brother had to have one removed due to cryptorchidism. (I later had part of one removed for similar reasons...) I asked my mother what they were for, and she told me that "Those parts are what you need to you grow up to me a man, grow a beard and be a daddy."  I remember thinking I could do without that.

Also, I could never take my shirt off.  I hated swimming, locker rooms, and god forbid I ever got chosen for the "skins" basketball team.  I never liked to be seen naked, and I still have some residual intimacy issues to this day.  Actually I'm relieved to never have to have sex in the male role ever again.  It's not like I actually had anything to be ashamed of and my junk is nothing out of the ordinary.  It's just not "me".

I felt the same way about my chest when I was a kid. Like I remember being terrified of taking my shirt off and being exposed. If someone saw my chest I'd panic. I hated being naked in front of anyone.

Oh there was the times i adamently told my mother in the car that i wanted to be a girl. Though it was a back and forth, i almost put a hole in the car floor showing how firm i was. Ended in failure though

I used to (and still do) wince when somebody called me a he, this was before I came out to my self, so I just though I kept stepping on tacks every time someone addressed me 

I always knew I was different: from the person next door, to the person right beside me in a café- I just knew that there was something in me that wasn't yet relevant, or relatable. It was misunderstood, even to me. Right now as I'm writing this, I'm still a bit perplexed, though the shock value has weakened as I'm getting more and more used to saying that I am transgender. I am to be a woman, as mentally I've already matured into one. Someone that is beautiful, serene, has a melody that is unmatched but moving with fluidity and refined grace.
I just have to match my body to how I feel, to have that manifest onto my skin as to resemble who I really am, so I can show the world my true beauty.

When I was young, a child, someone that was curious and dumbfounded by everything he saw, everything took me for surprise. I was excited I'm sure, seeing and feeling all of the colors around me, learning the objects, their placements, and their purpose. I suppose I was most intrigued by my mother, the spirit that I most observed in my childhood, and at that age I was most exposed to her than to any other life form. She raised me, and saw me when I was only beginning to bud. I was a tadpole, but I was learning. I was adapting.

I was becoming.

I don't have the clearest memory of what took place when I was two or three, but I can distinctly remember the color red. Specifically, in the form of make up: lipstick. I found the lipstick in her make up box, and I went to town. I, with a relaxed hand, painted my face with it- starting from the lips, and the area grew, staining much of my face with sanguine print. This was beauty, I'm sure I thought- whatever beauty was at the time in my head, that's what this was. It was also something my mother did, I'm sure.

My mother saw this. I think she was confused more than anything, probably wondering why, because this didn't make sense. Not her son. She probably brushed it off as a phase. She washed it from my face, and wiped the rest of the red residue, the marks that could trace to then- I'm sure she thought she erased that scene from my mind, but I was more aware than she gave me credit.

When I was five, I remember how real and true my conscience was forming. I was getting to know me, my head, how I was feeling. Even how pain felt.

I wanted to be like my mother. I'm sure I did, to me that's the only way to describe it. I loved her, and I love her. I didn't exactly have a father in my life at that time- he was existent, I knew the man that was supposed to be my father, but he wasn't really there. Not in my life, the things I did were the things I learned from my mom.

She raised me to love, but at that age I thought love could only exist with hate. I associated pain, wrath, deceit, spinelessness, a crippled and weary shadow of a man, with my father. They didn't get along, and would often spit and rebuke one another seemingly absentmindedly- it was a sport the two excelled at. For me, I associated love with my mom, because she openly cared for me, at every point in my life. She was pretty, and I wanted to be pretty- pretty was kind, pretty was good. I wanted to be good, and loved.

There were days when I came home from school, excited, knowing that I'll be able to play dress up without my parents' permission or wishes. When I came home, if my mother had to leave for something,  I would take advantage of that time and allow my imagination to roam free. I would frantically rummage through her closet, picking the dress I want, and I would find a shirt of mine to wear on top of my head- a yellow cloth, to resemble blonde hair. The dress I wore, at that time, was emerald green. It billowed and sunk to the floor, but I got what I wanted- the feeling to be a girl.

-

I have more to say, but I wrote this in the spur. It was cathartic, now that I think about it- it feels strange though... raw, I suppose. Right now, I'm 19- turning 20 tomorrow. I wanted to put this out there, because maybe it'll motivate me to start HRT: I know it's never too late, but I've tackled the certainty that I am transgender. Now I just have to approach it in a practical (and hopefully calm) matter.

Quote from: Simulacrum on June 12, 2014, 09:04:23 PM
I've tackled the certainty that I am transgender. Now I just have to approach it in a practical (and hopefully calm) matter.

Me too!
Well, I'm getting there, each day I know it more and more, just need to squash that doubt out somehow....

I began to resent everything I associated as typically female or feminine even at a very young age like the color pink, and I always thought of myself that I must be some very atypical tomboyish girl because I just didn't want to fit into gender norms at all. One the one end I felt like I just wasn't a girl deep down but I wasn't sure what else I was supposed to be since my body said I was a girl. I didn't know transgender existed. I also hated a lot of physical aspects of the female body like I began disliking having breasts and menstruation was just the ->-bleeped-<-ing worst especially because I suffered from a severe case of endometriosis, and I just overall felt so damn confused when people asked me about me about my gender like I had to fill it on for surveys and such but female just didn't feel right. I knew what was being asked of me, but I just didn't really feel like one. It was only after I was told by my doctor that they wanted to one of my ovaries that I began to realize that something wasn't right because I felt so damn happy over it, to finally get rid of that ->-bleeped-<-. It felt so damn relieving and it wasn't just relief because of my disease though yes, that played a role too, but I just didn't see it as a part of myself in the first place.

It led to a very serious and deep introspection about my gender identity as I realized my reaction was quite atypical for someone in my situation, and I realized I was transgender.

My first sign was an inherent desire to have a penis when I was 5 or so. I actually stuffed a sock in my pants because it just felt so wrong that I didn't have one.

Oh cripes, it's not just me? Sometimes I feel like... what was I thinking? How could I have not realized this a decade ago? It's so darn obvious now.

Quote from: Jason C on May 14, 2014, 12:28:22 PM
The biggest sign for me was that I hated myself. I hated everything about myself and I never had a reason why, I just did. I had a wonderful family, childhood, life...but I hated myself. That could've been general low self-esteem, but I know it's not because I don't hate myself anymore, now that I know who I am.

That right there? yeah, that's me. I don't remember a lot of my teenage years, because I was put (by my well-meaning mother and school nurses and psychiatrist) on a cocktail of antidepressants that were completely wrong for me, but I do remember wanting to claw my skin off and self-harming because I hated my body and what it was becoming so intensely. My early 20s were mired in the same self-hatred, though it came and went and wasn't always so bad. The minute I started thinking "hey, I'm male", it was like oh! Now I don't hate myself?! Where is that undercurrent of interminable self-loathing that's plagued me since I was 10? I don't HAVE to feel worthless?!

There's a ton of other examples, too:

• From birth I hated that I wasn't the little brother my brother wanted. I played with all his toys and didn't like dolls and would rather pretend to be dinosaurs than play house, but it was never enough
• I have had vivid dreams wherein I am obviously male since I was 5 or 6 years old, and I can't recall even one dream where I was female and myself, versus some other female character my brain made up. When I'm male in my dreams I am myself.
• I've always identified WAY MORE with male characters in books/movies/video games, but when given the option to play a female character in a game I always would because I "didn't get to be a boy"
• That's always the phrase that was in my head, my whole life. It wasn't "I think I might be a boy", it was "I don't GET TO BE a boy". I didn't know it was a possibility. When a friend I'd grown up with transitioned ftm, I was incredibly jealous, but thought I wasn't trans because I hadn't always known the way he had.
• When I got my first period and my mom told me why, I was completely horrified. The idea of becoming pregnant felt completely 100% foreign and repugnant, like having a chestburster from Alien. When I finally got a Mirena IUD and stopped having periods, suddenly I hated myself way less.
• Probably TMI, but sexually I was never interested in my own sexual pleasure until I figured out that I'm male. I loved giving others sexual pleasure but I just felt weird and uncomfortable having my partner's focus on my body, rather than on their own pleasure. (sex is way way way better now that I've figured out I'm a mostly gay dude)
• my whole life from puberty on I was always super concerned about whether I was being female "right". I'd look at women around me and base my appearance on theirs, very very carefully. It never came naturally to me. I wore dresses and heels and makeup because that's what girls are "supposed" to do. I was performing, constantly, and it was exhausting.
• I always liked hanging out with groups of guys that treated me just like one of the guys. I never felt comfortable in groups of girly girls. I've never felt truly accepted in either situation.
• my best friend in middle school was gay and came out to me in 8th grade. He told me that he was confused for a while because he was attracted to me and he was never attracted to any women. That... probably should have been a big clue-by-four. XD
• when I was a little kid my favorite playground game was "chase my friends around and tackle them and give them noogies". I stopped when the playground monitors mocked me for "flirting" with the boys. (to be fair it was partially that, but mostly I just liked physical aggressive play)
• I had a breast reduction surgery seven years ago and I begged the doctor to take me as small as possible. I told her I'd rather be an A cup that looked disproportionate than stay large-chested and have it look normal. She refused and took me to a DD. I wish I'd known what I do now-- I could have had top surgery covered by insurance!

Quote from: UnlockingJack on June 26, 2014, 12:21:17 PM

• my best friend in middle school was gay and came out to me in 8th grade. He told me that he was confused for a while because he was attracted to me and he was never attracted to any women. That... probably should have been a big clue-by-four. XD

LOL.  Clue-by-four.  I love it!  I like that one better than "cluebat".

My personal experience was always getting along beautifully with lesbians since high school.   So many of them had this huge aversion to cishet gys and dudebro culture, but I seemed to be somewhat of an honorary member of "the club".   As a "guy" I even ended up kissing several gay and bi girls, and even got intimate with two of them.  So many times I heard something to the effect of, "You're really cool for a guy.  Why can't all guys be more like you?"  I had racked it up about ten years ago to the possiblity that they didn't normally get treated like human beings by cishet guys, but now I'm pretty sure I just gave off a barely transparent "gay girl" vibe.  Oh, if they only knew now.  I'm sure most of them would say now that it all made perfect sense.

Oh wow, just realized you're a Jack.   Wanna go up a hill with me sometime?  (Kidding...  It didn't end up so hot for the last one.) 

I always felt something was wrong with me and, for some reason, I hated myself and took it out on others because I never learned how to manage anger. This whole gender identity crisis sort of got triggered when I got raped. Since that time, I started to hang around guys more, playing some casual soccer and I recall liking 1-2 girls back in elementary school. At that age, I obviously couldn't put a finger on it but I knew that I wanted to be a prince like those you read about in fairy tales. After a while, I think i freaked at what I was feeling since girls don't like other girls so I tried to repress it. It worked out for a good while until high school. At that point, my mom started to suspect something when I didn't have a boyfriend so she assumed I was lesbian. I looked it up and I just figured that was the explanation since I found girls very attractive. How dead wrong I was.

Granted, my mother never let me cut my hair short and forced me to just stay somewhat of a tomboy. Compromise. Due to such restrictions, I started to imagine myself with short hair and wearing whatever I wanted, thinking of myself as a butch lesbian. But then I realized that I wanted MORE. I didn't want to just look like that, I literally wanted to become the man in the relationship, go beyond the butch lesbian look, etc. I freaked and, once again, I repressed it because it seemed unnatural and that my parents wouldn't approve. The image of a perfect family was so important for them and so, I made them happy by remaining the way I was at the expense of my own happiness. I felt withdrawn, getting through the day was hard work and I didn't feel like doing anything at all. No motivation whatsoever. I always felt angry all the time and I didn't know why that was. It all reached a point when I suddenly had this urge to wear my brother's clothes, went to school braless and got strange looks from people.

At some point during my internet exploration, I discovered the word transgender. I researched on it, drawn to the word and realized that this was it. This is what's been going on with me since I never did feel like being a girl or acted like one, liked boys or even liked or talked about girly things. I was a boy trapped in a female body due to some strange work of nature. Looking back on certain memories of the past, it all makes sense now.

I'm taking the steps to correct this issue by starting the process to receive HRT and I'd hopefully be able to afford top surgery in the near future.