Hey I just wanted to share a texting conversation I had earlier with a new friend of mine, who is also trans. My dysphoria has kicked into high gear since moving, and my emotions are off the charts because of the time change messing with my hormone schedule.

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Friend: What saddens you

Me: Why was I born male? Why transgender? I didn't have a female childhood, I spent my early years suppressing feminine expression, I went through a male puberty, the female body that would have existed if I had stopped it is forever gone. I had an increased awareness of my condition but continued to suppress it due to fear, I watched my wife go through pregnancy- which I will never experience. I will never experience giving birth to my own child, I will never be able to breastfeeding my own child.

Every time I watch her breastfeed it reminds me of that- and how much I want to carry and child and feed it from my body.

I feel like my body is so opposite of my needs

And I have a hard time accepting it and moving on- I tried for years to accept my male body- but it just Didn't work.

And now that I'm doing something about it- people may one day see and treat me like a woman but I will never have that unique experience of being a true mother

I still have yet to accept it.

Even though I am called 'mommy' I still feel like I have the wrong relationship with my child.

These are things that I feel so deeply that I should have- things I would take for granted if I had a female body. But the things that seem intrinsic to my mind turn into pain when my mind sees my body.

It's like half of me still believes I will carry a child in the future- despite reality. It seems pretty psychotic- to be in such incongruence with reality, but I guess that's really the nature of the condition in the first place.

I don't even really care too much about being beautiful- although it would be nice. I just want to be seen as a woman- and most of all to be able to see my body as a woman's body- which I cannot see right now.

But the reality is that the goal is unreachable in the truest sense.

And I haven't yet accepted that.

Sorry for writing an essay- hah!

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I feel like I pretty clearly explained my feelings at this moment, and I want to know how many of you think these thoughts as well, and how you deal with them.

P.S.
Also, since I have yet to tell anyone on this board- I delivered my child last december with just my wife and I in the room- no medical personnel attended. We did it at home in a birth pool and I caught my son and was the first thing he saw! Just wanted to share, feel free to ask questions

Congratulations on the safe birth of your son!  I can understand your reluctance to have medical personel on hand, but sometimes, it can mean the difference between life and death, but I'm not going to argue the point with you - I'm assuming that you and your SO made an educated, rational, informed decision. =)

The dysphoria really kicks in when you watch your SO feed your child, doesn't it?  You think back to the pregnancy, the childbirth, and every time you watch their time together, it triggers and you wish things were otherwise.  I went through that as well and it made the first year so hard to manage as far as the dysphoria was concerned.  It did improve after my children were weaned and on solids.

See I try not to let this stuff get to me, cause it wont change. Cant change. I mean I cant even have kids so they're a blessing. Maybe one day Ill adopt with the BF but prolly cant cause of misdemeanor drug charges.

Plus, you're called mommy. I look 100 percent female and my family won't call me by my name, keep saying male pronouns, yada yada. It's been almost 18 months. Well, my four year old nephew does but he adores me and sticks up for me too lol he thinks im a girl.

My bro and sis in law are coming around on that. I guess where ur lucky with kids im lucky in shape lol i have a totally female body, and it just is.

I find that those are the harder things to come to terms with in terms of being in the wrong body.. things that you know you can't ever change. I mean, with the way technology is evolving, i'm sure some day in the late future there will be surgeries or things to make your inner organs develop as female or replaced as female... but we are far away from that day (I would think, but one can think positively)

I personally find no dysphoria in not being able to get pregnant, have my period, breast feed, etc. however I am always constantly thinking about how I missed out on my female childhood... how i tried desperately to feel or engage in it... but it was denied to me.. I had my girl friends with their barbie dolls and my spice girls fad and my girl friends at a young age who just treated me like another girl friend. But i was denied the cute outfits, the swimsuits, the training bra stage, the boys (or girls), the whole female childhood experience... its something i wish I would have had because its something that I think would have greatly changed the outcome of my life... maybe i would'nt have been the only 13 year old boy in my middle school who talked about death philosophy and how life is tragedy incarnate... maybe I would've had a sunnier disposition or more friends, or a better social life. I want to have a daughter so bad so I can re-live my childhood vicariously through her, and do whatever it is she wants to do... but this is of course just a hope of mine, i would never force my daughter to do or be anything because of what I missed out on.. but i guess i see that hope as a way of experiencing with her everything that I was denied, if she so wishes to be the average little girl. Of course, i would support my kids whether they are boy, girl, trans, intersex, variant, animal, alien, mermaid, Minotaur, dragon xDetc lol. But a girl can dream T-T lol

Anyway, don't want to get your hopes too high but... if i recall correctly, it IS possible for a cismale to lactate and breastfeed their child... let alone a transfemale, you're getting all the necessary hormones. Look it up there are ways... whether or not its safe to do within transition or pre/post transition is a different story, but if you do a search, it is possible :3 hope that helps to some degree xD

try to find appreciation in being called mommy, and always remember that your body doesn't change that you are his mommy I'll have to settle for Mom or Mama because my wife already claimed the "mommy" title >_< Try to keep in mind the cis-women who arent able to lactate or breastfeed, or the women who are unable to have children :3 and hopefully it will give you some sort of solace that despite what you were assigned at birth, it could still have happened if you were cis. In a way, that's one of the things that allows me to let go of those things ~ i just consider myself a sterile woman The goal of being seen as a woman isn't unreachable Something I've kinda learned to tell myself (even though i'm a very VERY impatient woman), is the following:

"Even if I don't pass in a year... i will definitely pass in 10" lol... because what i've noticed from transwomen who transition who feel like they aren't passable or might never be... at some point, the hormones do SO MUCH WORK on your body that there is NO WAY you CANT pass after 10-15 years your body will have been reworked by the hormones so much that passability becomes a thing of the past and the rest becomes a vanity status (body, boobs, butt, being hot, etc.) granted; its not the most comforting of notions because... hell.. 15 years is a long freakin' time >_< but better late than never xD

anyway; i hope my unnecessarily long response and possibly pointless tangents I went on somehow helped <3