Quote from: paula lesley on June 07, 2014, 07:39:18 PM
Joined this forum  ( As I write this it's 1.43 am olde English time  )

Welcome Paula from Shantel at 7:06 Pacific Daylight Savings Time.

i wanted to sleep until the end of the world but had a therapy appointment.

Got up, took a shower, got all dolled up (my face and hair looks all ready to go out someplace special) with nowhere to go...but the laundry room. My mom is really sick with a cold she came down with a couple days ago, she called out of work, they didn't seem too happy with that--you have to be dying for it to be okay to stay out. I had to do my small load of clothes, but her not feeling well I'm currently doing all of her clothes as well. Have to go back and get the sheets and towels out of the dryers in a little bit. Humidity is really bad today, makes walking that short distance outside exhausting, just so hard to breath that kind of air quality. I hate using the air condition because it'll jump that electrical bill up, but today we have to because its even worst in the apartment otherwise. I don't know yet what I'm going to do today, probably nothing much, same things I do most days.

Well, the rest of my day is almost over, so what did I do with it?

Did a lot of stretches, and spent much of my day here at Susan's Place. Seemingly not much, but I rather enjoyed my time, relaxed and typing away. Also, since a couple days ago I've been going through a lot of photos (scans or snaps of physical ones as well as digital) on my laptop as I've been trying to date them and put them in order. Having difficulty with very old childhood photos though as nearly all don't have the date stamped on back, I have to guess by what memory recalls of where I lived then and what I may've had for toys or other things that could clue me in on when they were taken. I want to put together a chronological album from baby up until present (was inspired by others to put together something like this).

I look at me then and see myself in the mirror now and think how much my life has changed, and how it all seems so much like a dream, like everything that happened before never was, yet, also think, what if I'm dreaming now? I smiled at myself, but got teary eyed a little too.

I tell you, I love me, I really do. Just think, if I didn't have the strength that I somehow did and still do, and checked out years ago, actually being able to follow through with suicide or just doing something stupid to mortally hurt myself, I wouldn't even be able to look back and see how far I've come.

I crawled under my bed to undo a plug, I was on my back and got trapped by the boobs. Ahh a mistake

Oh boy, I don't even know where to start with this one. First quoting myself on a related post which'll lead up to what happened today.

Quote from: Megan Joanne on May 21, 2014, 06:09:20 AM
Today? I don't (not yet anyway), its the wee hours of the morning, so not much could go wrong to make me unhappy. But yesterday I had a moment. So while at work, customer comes up to me while I'm in the HBC isle, asks me where the socks are, so I bring him around to the next isle, he thanks me. Moment later before I walked away, asks me where mugs would be, so I bring him a few more isles over, give a point down to the end of that isle. He smiles and thanks me again. I get back to my work.

A few moments later he comes back into the isle I'm at and asks me if I'm new there because he's never seen me before. I told him nope, been here since last years, almost a year ago. I continued to work. He decided to stick around. Uh-oh, I'm thinking, yep, I know where this is going to be going, soon he'll be asking me questions and then build up the courage to ask me out. Sure enough, questions about this and that. What do you like to do? Cross-stitch.

Yep, that's it. I work, I go straight home, spend a bit of time with my dog, then cross-stitch until I get tired of it. And I don't go out unless I have to. Interesting? Nah. But somehow he thought so. Must be the hidden mysteries he thinks there may be. You like sports? Nope. Where you from? Born one place, lived mostly in another, moved yet to another place, ended up here. I think he ended up standing there watching me work for a good 15 minutes with the occasional question or attempt at conversation.

I could have brushed him off rudely as I used to do when guys would try to ask me out years ago (some of them were really persistent), but somehow over the years I've become considerate. I figured no harm answering him, so did so each time with my usual blunt straight answer as if taking a test any time anyone wants to know something about me. Rarely looking him in the face, still much of my concentration on my work. He thought I was interesting and liked that I knew who I was (regarding knowing my own strengths and weaknesses, about work and other stuff).

Then asked me what time I got off of work, because he wanted to take me out for a cup of coffee and donuts. I didn't answer right away. But then told him that I don't know how to answer it, the whole going out and people thing, well, its not something I have much experience with. He asked me for my phone number so we could continue talking, I told him I don't use the phone really. Again, I don't do the whole talking, social thing very well. He thought I was handling it well, but I was merely answering questions, because if he wasn't keeping it going there'd be no talking on my end at all.

Eventually he said he had to go and hoped to see me around in there again. But then did something that took me totally off guard, gave me a little bit of a hug, not really a close kind as I think he could tell I was unnerved about it, but somehow during our talk maybe he felt bad for me (I suppose from other people's view after hearing me talk and sounding so dull and negative, I must sound like a sad case, someone in need of a hug), I don't know. Well, he finally left.

I went to the back moments later to put some cases of merchandise away that I couldn't fit out on the shelf, and well, had a breakdown, balled my eyes out. Why? Because I really wanted to say yes. I've never been out with anyone, ever. No dates, no nothing. I've never even been kissed, and would probably get dizzy and pass out from being so nervous. I spend my whole life avoiding as many encounters as I can, yet at the same time yearn it, all of it. Heck, I don't even know if I'm into men or women, finding attraction towards both but nothing strong or lasting.

But I'm not what he's looking for, even if in some extremely rare case the whole transsexual deal doesn't bother him (and not because it was something strange and thrillingly different) and still wanted me to go out with me, I wouldn't. I am and have always been since I was a child an extreme introvert. Aside from family, I have lived a solitary life, I keep myself entertained, enjoy my own company, that's how its pretty much always been. So anyone trying to befriend me, well, they got a lot of work cut out for them, but those that do manage, somehow something at some point frightens me away. I am heavily guarded and untrusting of people (yet here I am on the internet bearing details about me, makes a lot of sense).

So, here I was crying, because I know deep down I wish I could be like everyone else, it'd certainly make life out there easier since much of it revolves around socializing in some way or another. And this bit typed up here and anything I read or reply to, its not the same for me, just walls of text, no faces, no voices, no confrontations, no pressure, I can read or not, reply or not, and take all the time in the world with any of it with no one to get impatient with me and no commitment necessary.

As for what I'll do next time he happens to stop in to shop on my shift, I don't know yet. Do what I do best I guess, let him know that there's no point wasting his time with me, the answer will still be no. Maybe next time I'll be a royal bitch (hormones ran out), its only a matter of time before testosterone starts taking a more negative control of my mood again.

And here I got this really nice dress last weekend (that I just had to have, around $10 at Walmart) and no place to wear it. Bummer. Oh well. Stop f'in crying and get back to work.

---

Okay, so that was a crazy long post, with probably another to follow in just a moment, so here goes:

I'm at work today, HBC, working out shampoo and the like, got maybe less than an hour left before its time to leave. I happen to look down the aisle and see a familiar face coming towards me. I think uh-oh, get ready, you asked for it, and he's back, so lets handle this a little better this time. He's smiling as he walks up to me, I do the same and we greet each other, both still smiling. He asked if I remembered him. I said, "Yes, I do 'input name here'." He got all happy, smiled with some laughter, totally surprised that I'd even remember his name, and gave me a hug, I kind of accepted it (still kind of nervous about the closeness since I don't even know him), just a very quick, but not so close embrace. He asked me how I was doing. I told him that I'm actually doing pretty good, and he said that he could see it, that I appeared to be feeling so much different than the first time he met me. I told him that I'm trying to smile more, feel better, even if I don't. He said it looks to be working. He noticed how I was fixed up too, make-up and earrings. I told him that I used to a while back, but somehow being unhappy just let myself go, but now am again and trying to feel better about myself. He gave me some pep talk about having confidence in myself and not selling myself short, how I could do and be anything I want, not to let anyone get me down because I'm a beautiful woman with a pretty smile. I thanked him, tried as much as possible to look him in the eyes and not shy away with my head down, and kept smiling.

But, he still wanted to take me out, makes me wonder, was he there for shopping and figured to see if I were working just for the hell of it to maybe give it another try, or was he there specifically to once again try to get me to go out with him. I continued to work, but not so intently, actually stopping to listen to him. He really seems to like me, and he really seems like a genuinely nice fellow. he wanted to know where I'd like to go out if I accepted, what I like to drink, do I like coffee, "I don't think so, all I ever drink really is water". Well, he said, "then we can go out for some water!" "Do you like steak, chinese, mexican..." and several other style foods he listed, because he really wanted to take me out. He told me if you want it could just be someplace simple, and we'll be in a public place so you'll be alright. "I just want to treat you to something to eat and talk, get to know you."

I stopped what I was doing, thinking about it, heart racing. I got up from kneeling (was putting out some hairspray), and I told him "I'd really love to go out with you, but there's something about me that could upset you." I made sure there was no one close by first, and then...I told him that I was a transsexual. I explained what I was about (I can't even remember all of what I told him, its kind of all muddled right now, but quite a bit). He was surprised, but he didn't get taken aback by it, just stood there listening to me, taking it all in. No signs of threat, embarrassment or anger on his face, so that was good.

I don't know how much he understands about what a transsexual is, but still even knowing what I have down there, he wants to take me out still. I told him that I wouldn't have said anything about it, afterall I don't plan on having sex or anything (and won't; and he knows I haven't ever, yeah I told him about that too - I think I opened up a tad much more than I expected to or should have). But I gave him a possible scenario: What if we're out together, most people see me as a genuine woman (as in born complete), but there's this small percentage of those that somehow know what to look for, and how would he take it if suddenly an event occurred where someone would call me out, possibly in front of others out in public. That could be very embarrassing for him (and me) and it could turn ugly. I wanted him to think about it, so he did for a few moments, thinking that was a good point, something to consider, and thanked me for being so completely open and honest about myself. I think I just earned his respect.

He asked me more questions about it, as well as complimenting me some more because he still thought I was downright beautiful. And, he still wanted to take me out! Asked if I was working Wednesday, I said no. When asked if I was working tomorrow, I told him yes, and he said he'll swing on by and if after I thought about it for a day, then I can make up my mind then. After our conversation he hugged me again, and I let him, even hugging back (I'm trying not to let this whole contact thing frighten me, its just a damn hug afterall).

But also, there's there small bit of curiosity there now, I could tell he wanted to give me more than just a hug, but now there's that totally new element there that somehow made it more interesting for him. He asked if he could kiss me (somehow I had a feeling this was coming), I told him that I wasn't ready for that, "What'd you want me to faint or something?" I say to him. So he said, "how about just on the cheek?" And get this, I let him. What the hell am I thinking!? Hello, wake up call, you just let some strange (but good looking and seeming nice) guy kiss you (I barely felt his lips on my face, but definitely his rough cheek as it brushed mine).

I'm still stunned by this whole event today. Still shaking my head in puzzlement. What the heck came over me? After he left I was flooded by a bunch of different emotions, went from smiling to teary eyed, back to smiling again, and my nerves were shot to hell. But I'm still smiling (probably even moreso). I didn't say yes yet, but didn't say no either, I am so confused. I've never done this going out with someone thing, if a date or whatever it could be considered, I have no clue as how to handle myself. I feel like a shy teenage girl that finally just got asked out by some cute boy and feel like I'm dreaming and totally excited but lost on what to do! I'm outwardly calm right now as I type this, but my stomach has been gurgling something terrible.

You see what happens when you ask for something, sometimes you get it, but aren't really prepared for it. Deep down I wanted him to come back (yet at the same time was thinking I hope not, that way I can continue to feel safe within my own world), and I wanted so much to handle it better, talking with him and maybe even saying yes if asked out again. Well now, here's my chance. But I am so friggin' scared. I hope I didn't make a mistake with what I told him (maybe I should have kept it secret, but its not me, I can't play games like that), but I felt it necessary that I be honest right away, that way he could choose whether to see me still or to walk away. I know it could change how he perceives me, that worries me also. But he doesn't let off intimidating vibes, is very outgoing and seems to care about people in general from his smile as well as his quiet gentle spoken words and demeanor, if he seemed the type that would get violent or something I wouldn't had been able to tell him about myself and once again brushed him off. I know I'm taking a huge risk, but if I don't then what, continue living a lonely life, possibly even long after my mom passes away (thinking really far ahead here, and only if she dies before me), an old woman whom never got to experience love with another, or just simply close friendship. Wait 'n till my moms hears this one, she'll be floored, especially if I go through with it. Oh boy...

And quoting myself again...

Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 08, 2014, 08:19:32 PM
I read it all Miharu Barbie, you kept me enthralled to the end.

This 'Ann' was just a rotten person to begin with, but also, perhaps there was some jealousy there because you are so sweet and girly and totally passable when she wasn't any of those things. Perhaps.

I'd trust a trans person just as much as I do any cis-person, we are all individuals, each with our own behavior and morals. I keep myself stealth out there and while not as girly-girl as Miharu, I am still perceived as a woman (there have been very few exceptions). No way would I come out to anyone so easily, because even though sometimes I'd like to (especially with someone that I'm friends with), doing so could be catastrophic (not all the time, but better not to take that risk). Safer to blend in than put yourself out there as a possible target. Yet, I'm here, but I can't live in total fear, but out there, nah, I don't think so, its no one's business what I am under my clothes.

Yep, I done F@#$ed up now.

I've been studying most of the day. I am really bored and want to stop, but I still have a lot of work to do. 

I think I'll make tea, and then get back to work.

Quote from: CandiceSkirvin on June 09, 2014, 06:10:00 PM
My boyfriend and I drove almost 600 miles for no real reason other than to do it. Not the most environmentally friendly thing to do, but at least we don't have a big SUV or something. We were in his Acura. It gets decent mileage.  Al Gore would still be pissed off though. lol

Yeah he would as he leaves his environmentally disastrous power guzzling mega house and rides to the airport in his gas guzzling limousine and climbs aboard of his mega carbon producing private jet. Nothing like an elitist hypocrite telling us little people how to live huh? Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy!

Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 09, 2014, 05:01:05 PM
And quoting myself again...

Yep, I done F@#$ed up now.

Are you ok???
_______________________________________

Did a wash load and made arrangement for tomorrow and Wednesday, or is that later today, and tomorrow

Quote from: CandiceSkirvin on June 09, 2014, 07:05:35 PM


Oh yes, it makes me all warm and fuzzy. lol My boyfriend and I actually joke about Al Gore a lot for the exact things you pointed out. 

The poor Polar bears ought to migrate to the Great Lakes, some lakes were totally iced over during the winter months, you know, more global warming syndrome! Guess the IceRoad Truckers are up the creek without tire chains too. Lisa is my favorite driver. 

Didn't get much sleep last night, maybe 4 hours. It seems like I'm averaging around 5 hours each night for the past several weeks, yet somehow I'm managing to stay awake well enough during the day, but today, while I felt fine at first, I was really bogged down when I got to work. My mom told me that I was singing in my sleep, yeah I can see me doing that. Also the guy that asked me out was on my thoughts when I awoke too early this morning. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I had an hour and something left until my alarm went off. Took the dog out, ate breakfast, went on internet, Susan's made me late for work, again (its okay). You know I used to be so punctual that most of the time any place I had to be I was almost always early, but the last few weeks I just haven't cared. Time stresses me out anyway.

Our internet at work wasn't working at all today, so that means no access to time clock, so if I wanted to I could've wrote in that I was on time, but honest me says I'm 5 minutes late. That brings me to my over honesty yesterday, I think I done scared my possible date away. I waited for him to come today as he said he would, while I worked of coarse, all the while silly girly me is getting excited anticipating how things are going to play out when we go out. Even fantasizing well beyond today, what a sad pathetic case I was. So he never did show, but by the time the day was nearly out, I was too tired to care, glad actually, relieved (I said I'd go home and sleep, I haven't yet). I think he was just trying to be nice to me after I told him about myself being trans and whatnot. I kind of knew it was too good to happen to me, but then maybe it wasn't supposed to, not at this time. I was cursing at myself walking home, I felt so foolish.

I'd say more about it, but seriously, I'm just really very tired. I can't even get a decent picture of me crying that actually looks like a woman crying (get this, even when I'm upset I still try to take selfies), I see myself with tears streaming down my face and it just pisses me off. I'm a wreck today, don't even feel feminine, and all I got today were women eyeballing me and smiling, like I was letting off pheromones just for them. I don't even know why I'd want a man in my life anyway, he'd just over complicate it more than it already is, women are easier to understand, plus prettier, and I won't have to deal with any toilet seat issues among many other things. I got two days off from work and I don't even know what the hell to do with my time now.

Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 10, 2014, 05:20:48 PM

I'd say more about it, but seriously, I'm just really very tired. I can't even get a decent picture of me crying that actually looks like a woman crying (get this, even when I'm upset I still try to take selfies), I see myself with tears streaming down my face and it just pisses me off. I'm a wreck today, don't even feel feminine, and all I got today were women eyeballing me and smiling, like I was letting off pheromones just for them. I don't even know why I'd want a man in my life anyway, he'd just over complicate it more than it already is, women are easier to understand, plus prettier, and I won't have to deal with any toilet seat issues among many other things. I got two days off from work and I don't even know what the hell to do with my time now.

Get some sleep sweetie, tomorrow is yet another day!

So didn't get much sleep. I think a power nap .

Woke up at Nine am.
Went to my sisters.
Enjoyed the good weather here.
Went shopping for items to attack my eyebrows a more appropriate lippy. Started a collection of nail paints.
Had lunch out,
Went to my sisters boyfriend mothers to wait until it was time to collect my nieces from school.
Used this time to die my hair.
Met up with my other sister outside school,
started walking to my sisters house.
Stopped for a chat with the in laws on the way, while the kids played for a bit.
Arrived at my sisters house.
spent a few hours their, until the kids when to bed.
Got around to attacking my eyebrows
Made arrangement to go into the city centre tomorrow.
Came home.
Discovered my dad like my new hair (he didn't want my colour it )
Procrastinated on susans
Wrote this

It was a really good and enjoyable day today.  Spent most of it out, and enjoyed the weather

Slept late-ish
Cleaned dishes
Farted around on the internet
Banged head against the wall because artist pulled out of gig I wanted to see.
Cleaned more dishes
Plucked things
Prepped kitchen for Chinese food
Made tea

Baked cookies.   

^ Nope, can't forget them cookies. That's the most important part of the day. Mmm, yummy, cookies. 

You know, both of you, Jill and Victoria, you got me remembering something about myself. A long time ago I used to always do everything in a listed format, for everything. At one point in my life I don't think I even did complete sentences, just simple straight to the point, easy to follow lists. I don't know when it was that I started writing essays.

I still do the points only thing, in outline form.

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on June 10, 2014, 06:07:40 PM
So didn't get much sleep. I think a power nap .

Woke up at Nine am.
Went to my sisters.
Enjoyed the good weather here.
Went shopping for items to attack my eyebrows a more appropriate lippy. Started a collection of nail paints.
Had lunch out,
Went to my sisters boyfriend mothers to wait until it was time to collect my nieces from school.
Used this time to die my hair.
Met up with my other sister outside school,
started walking to my sisters house.
Stopped for a chat with the in laws on the way, while the kids played for a bit.
Arrived at my sisters house.
spent a few hours their, until the kids when to bed.
Got around to attacking my eyebrows
Made arrangement to go into the city centre tomorrow.
Came home.
Discovered my dad like my new hair (he didn't want my colour it )
Procrastinated on susans
Wrote this

It was a really good and enjoyable day today.  Spent most of it out, and enjoyed the weather

Must have been a wonderful day Vicky, we should all have days like that every day, but then we'd have to conclude that we died and went to heaven.

Woke up hard, got in the shower, broke down crying while in there. I had my first self-destructive thought in a while involving a hammer to crack some nuts (it passed, it was just a fleeting thought). Feeling really shaky, jittery this morning. Been crying sporadically. Pulled leg hairs (I don't know why), didn't really have much as it was just light hair, strays really. Sat down at my desk, pulled facial hair. Now what?