Rough day today. Went into work (boss called yesterday and asked if I could come in), had a really difficult time holding myself together, crying sporadically throughout the day, really did not think I'd make it, almost was going to tell him that I had to go home early. And well, the ->-bleeped-<-'s hit the fan inside of my brain, suicidal thoughts abound, I couldn't shake them, kept working, but couldn't stay focused with where my thoughts and feelings were, and I've been shaky, nerves all screwy, like withdrawal symptoms.
Once I got home, got into the shower, and just could not keep the tears at bay, nose running, choking on sticky snot, eyes that I could hardly see out of and they were so bloodshot, and if I hadn't gotten myself under control I would've started hyperventilating (was getting there). Dried off, stood there in the front of the vanity, towel around me, wondering why am I, I'm just so tired I want to die. But yet I don't, but it all seems so hopeless, everything, my whole future.
I pulled myself together enough to sit down and make some calls. I called 3 doctors this afternoon, all were listed at the GLMA website, found this place a couple weeks when trying to search for doctors, it had a list of some that I could try, figured today, once I calmed down enough, I'd give them a call.
1st one, a family practice - no sorry we don't do that here. Okay, next.
2nd option, endocrinologist - I think we do, but I don't want to give you the wrong information, let me switch you to the voicemail of someone who may know as she isn't in right now, so I left a message.
This other lady called me back around 3:30pm, maybe about a half hour after I had called before, said they do not do treatments for hormone therapy there, but can treat me for other stuff if I'm looking for a family doctor.
3rd choice, another family practice - says they do hormones on that website, we'll see.
Yes, we do the lady on the other end says enthusiastically. But the initial visit is really steep she say, $396 (Wha...t!!), after that though there is payment plan can be arranged, but I wasn't given any specific cost nor was she going to tell me (most likely they don't want to tell you because its still steep); this is worst than another doctor I called a couple weeks ago which was $386.
So far since last month I've contacted 8 doctors (perhaps I should've been calling more), most were specifically endocrinologist. So far only 2 that would take me, but cost nearly a month of my paychecks. I'm trying not to let this get me down, as it least there are options available, but how to afford them? I'm taking any hours that I can get and I'm barely holding onto my sanity, if I were able to take another second job I would, but I'm not even in stable condition. No one has seen me crying yet except my store manager when I broke down several weeks ago when she had me fixing up the fake flowers, I was so bad I had to tell her that I had to go home. If I keep all this up I'm worried about my job too, they can't have me falling to pieces like this.
I keep thinking all these horrible thoughts, I don't want to do anything to hurt myself or worst, but I don't know what else to do. I was sitting here typing this, screen all blurry, and my hands and fingers numb, because I just couldn't stop crying. Its like every time I have gone off of the hormones the negative reactions get worst, all this is hitting much faster than it did last time I was off of them for a while. Okay, got a terrible headache now, think I done shed enough tears. But I'd love to know what the whole point was in all this, being born the way I am, wonder if it'll be something I can look back on and laugh when in the next life.
