First of all I hope I don't offend anyone with this post, but this is 100% for real. My wife has requested to have a male lover on the side. She thrives on male attention and eats it up. She loves me and wants to stay with me, but she also still wants a "Real Man". I have very mixed feelings about this and it's confusing me quite a bit. Part of me is even wondering why would I be jealous of a "Real Man" if I'm a trans-woman? I'm wondering if anyone else has tried this type of approach? I'm just happy she is being honest with me about this because I know it must have been hard for her to tell me. I think some of this is coming from that she doesn't feel that I'm attracted to her anymore because I don't get fully erect for her very easily anymore for some reason (not on hrt yet) and it's making her feel undesired. This was compounded by the fact that I did get fully erect when I made love to her as a woman for the first time and she thinks it was because I was turned on by myself and not her. For someone that has body and self image issues this harms her quite a bit. I think she also is confused on how to make love with me now. The only ways she can think of makes her feel like a man and she doesn't want to feel like a man. I'm trying desperately to save our relationship and sex life. I was up all night thinking about it and couldn't sleep.

i always scream when i read about cuckolds allowing their wives to get another lover. they are giving their wives the ok to commit adultery.
from the look of it, there is no relationship to save.
let her commit adultery then divorce her on the grounds of adultery. you make come off more lightly then.

There certainly are polyamorous couples who make it work, and I recommend doing some internet searching on that topic; if you're clear and communicate well and you personally are willing to let her experiment with this idea, it might very well work out fine for you both.

As someone who is in the beginning stages of a similar relationship setup I can say it's working pretty well. Although we've skirted around the edges of a poly lifestyle before this time we are very committed to making it work for some of the same reasons you outlined. My wife was very concerned when I started that she was not interested in a full-time female partner and that if I transitioned it would be the end of our marriage and in truth as much as I do not want to lose her I've also been wanting a part time male partner. So this kind of works for both of us and strangely since I've excepted who I am, I no longer struggle with jealousy about her other suitors. As long as they respect our relationship as the primary and that our family unit holds priority everything goes very smoothly. She is very quick to break off relationships that might cause undue drama.

It's takes a lot of communication and it's not always easy but it's working so far. Being honest with yourself is really the most important part. I accept that I am changing in a way that she could have never imagined and that being unconventional requires an unconventional relationship.

As Jenna Marie said lots of good resources out there.

It makes sense conceptually, making it work in reality is another matter. How will you feel about another guy taking her attention and possibly her love and affection away from you? How will she feel if you find yourself attracted to her "Real Man" and/or other men/women? I have a friend who is polyamorous and he makes it work with his various girlfriends only by being 100% truthful and up front with them before the relationship gets sexual.

The more people involved in a relationship, the more complicated it becomes emotionally,  and if your female spouse finds, a  "real man" what will you become to him?   You could end up being the maid, or if the "real man" takes a liking to you, his mate number two.   Then you and your wife will be in conflict for his affections.   Just be careful and consider the emotional complexity of the relationship and if you will be able to live with it, when you just become another woman in the household.

None of this may happen,  with the teenage girl in our household, I see how the girls in a social group fight over the guy, and are thrilled when he is with them, and pissed when he is not.  Your being a woman are going to be subject to a woman's jealousies.   If you have a bitch fight over this new guy you my lose your love forever.

These are just considerations.

abbyflame,   Every day you and your wife need to work on strengthening your relationship.   You can stay with someone for a long time with them slowly drifting away, and shutting you more and more out of her life, until one day it just ends.  Overtime your marriage will gradually disappear as mine did.    So whatever you do with your developing relationships in your family, keep communications open with your wife, and try and deal with the  situation in a non judgemental way if you feel her slipping away.  Just  be aware.  I know people are extremely different, and in my case there was nothing that I could have realistically done to save the relationship.  The end result is that I put off my transition for about 28 years because of my own personal fears and because I didn't want to do anything to threaten a relationship that was dieing anyway, thus wasting much of my life.   Also over 28 years we had five children to complicate matters further.   

Take care, and try not to be as deaf, dumb, and blind as this girl was.

As someone who is open to poly relationships and have thus explored with my husband over the years both swinging and poly relationships, it REALLY just boils down to your trust in one another. You have to go into these types of situations with the up most trust in each other, clear boarder lines, what will set you/her off and what makes you both comfortable and uncomfortable. If you actually plan to stay together in a relationship you need to be on the exact same page, exact line of text and the exact word down to the very grain of yourselves.

I've been in this for about 8 years which in comparison isn't a long time compared to some, BUT, I have learned a ton about not only my self and personal boundaries but what sets my husband off ect. Many nights and days have we spent talking in depth about just this topic. Not only that but we have chose to be very picky with who we let in as well. We don't actively seek one night stands, or the first person to want to jump into bed with us.

If this is something you both are truly wanting, then talk. Talk till you both are blue in the face. Don't scream, don't fight, but talk and discuss pros and cons. Because bringing another person into your relationship can have it's ups and downs and can either make or break your relationship. And please don't ever think bringing in someone else just on the grounds of being a "sexual toy" is going to benefit anyone unless it literally is a 1 night fling. Jealousy will rear its evil head and no one will be in it for the better.

So my advice? Er on the side of caution. If you both are open enough and trust each other enough then by all means. But please be aware that the bridge has to be strong on both ends for everyone to get across safely.

I wish my wife had offered this instead of just dumping me (im asexual, sexual jealousy is just a totally foreign concept to me)... sorry, dont mean to thread steal...

My wife is a very independent cuss, to say the least. After nearly 20 years, of which 7 or more we were living together, brought our first home, she finally relented to say "I do". Which was purely a financial reason behind it, for my health insurance.

There were conditions attached. Since she came from a family were mom and dad were seemingly constantly at war and both feeling trapped, condition #1 was if a time ever came the other wanted out, we part amicably. Yes, it will hurt but far better then growing to hate eachother. Condition #2 was sort of related to #1. Her mom, basically was also a slut. She slept around a lot with all the usually silly reasons why home late from work. Which sure did not fly well all around. Especially if there were 2 to 3 young children waiting for some adult to make it home. Except the only adult in the house was her and she was seven. So, condition 2 basically was an open marriage. If it ever happened the other needed a 'fling' you can with certain guidelines such as being open about it and not 'bringing any little friends home', as in STDs.

It has been 15 years since she said yes, neither has come to pass. But it is now Condition 2's turn to become a lot more real. Part of her reaction to my coming out to her is still the same as it was 5 years ago, "I like men and what they have and can do. I didn't marry a woman". We have had talks about "Options" for the future since she cannot imagine wanting to spend the rest of her life with anyone else but me. Nor can she imagine ever wanting to go through the effort to accomplish that with anyone else. (Re independent cuss).

Yes, I know at the very least I'll feel weird if it comes to be. Perhaps worse since I lived through wife #1 sleeping with a guy before our separation. I also know very very well she did sign up for this. In fact she had my honest assurances this was out of my system after 2 much earlier experiments.

We grow, we change, life is not stagnant. If you cannot adapt to changing conditions you die. Be it changing conditions on your job, neighborhood, or marriages.

My wife and I discussed an open marriage a bit after I started HRT. She on occasion sees an old college friend and I said I would understand if they hooked up and if she is discreet I would understand. She declined.

We have sex about 1/month and we can manage with that. She would like more and I less.

My wife and I are in the BDSM scene and being polly is common, but not for everyone. We do play with other people with restrictions of no sex or exchanging of fluids prior to my transitioning. After HRT, my wife asked the same question. Even though she is pansexual she misses the male penis. Even though our sex was always more lesbian based with very little PIV sex, my wife did like it every now and then. (I never liked PIV sex for obvious reasons.)

After HRT, I she wanted the option to where she could be with a "real" man if I approved of the person. (She wanted my approval of each person.) I told her yes. She never did and says she probably never will because she (like me) has to be in love with someone before having sex with them. She says that she would have a hard time being in love with 2 more people at the same time. We still left it open as an option, but it's an option that she will probably never use. However she feels more comfortable in our relationship knowing she has that option even though she admits she will probably never use it. She's very independent and it allows her to stay in a relationship with me without feeling trapped.

Thanks for all the feedback! I have talked with her again, something we do a lot! It seems that part of what she was saying was that she just needs to feel desired more. I have not been giving her enough attention, in fact we both have wanted more attention from one another and we were both sitting around waiting for the other to give it. I guess that is something that might often happen in a lesbian relationship where neither one has testosterone. It also turns out that I misunderstood her and that she was trying to tell me she was having those urges and she doesn't like or want to have them. We both have agreed that we need to learn new ways to make love. She is not a prude by any means, but she is struggling with how to make love to me now. Anyone know of any good threads that touch on this topic?

Quote from: Genzen on June 16, 2014, 10:37:20 AM
Thanks for all the feedback! I have talked with her again, something we do a lot! It seems that part of what she was saying was that she just needs to feel desired more. I have not been giving her enough attention, in fact we both have wanted more attention from one another and we were both sitting around waiting for the other to give it. I guess that is something that might often happen in a lesbian relationship where neither one has testosterone. It also turns out that I misunderstood her and that she was trying to tell me she was having those urges and she doesn't like or want to have them. We both have agreed that we need to learn new ways to make love. She is not a prude by any means, but she is struggling with how to make love to me now. Anyone know of any good threads that touch on this topic?

Just came into the topic to ask if she really was into polly or if it was more feeling she wants to feel desired by someone (since polly often gets used incorrectly).

I'm no sex expert (heck I cant even feel my organs) but I'm sure there'll be some help for this on here and on other sites?

Best of luck to you both