Hi everyone !

[EDIT : I'm French, please, don't be too rude with my English :p ]

I wish i'm on the good sub-forum, if not, forgive me !

Sorry to bother you but i'm a little lost in my thoughts.

Even if i think i have make a choice, i need some review's from you.
As written in my presentation, i'm actually a guy of 26 year's old.

I don't have started HRT for the moment, but i have a rendez-vous with my endocrinologist (is it the good term for the hormones specialist ?)

But you know i'm a little lost. It's hard to describe myself, i mean, it's hard to see how i am balanced. I'm someone very nice, altruist, and patient to others. I have a lot of feminine sensibility, often the same for the way of thinking even if i live like a normal boy/man/guy. I have some feminine position sometime, but very few, not noticeable for the common mortals :p (or if so, no one noticed that to me, except my boyfriend).

I never had a problem to adapt myself to the environment. Strangely, even if i can do some adjustment according to it, i'm very natural and try to be nice and myself with everyone, it's my nature.

The question for me for the moment is : Who i am ?

I feel like i have no gender. Of course it's not true, but i often said that i could be anything. Male or Female. In my inside feeling, it's like we are playing a role in our living, and they can influence our lives. Of course, when i talk about role, i don't mean we're faking something, of course not. We are playing the game of our life, like a gigantic theater. We can be more or less aware of the details managing our lives. We have joys and fear.

All theses things, in my opinion, are a funny and beautiful gift of the life. And you know, i'm feeling lucky of all that. Of being here, to have some existential questions, that a lot of things changed for me, each years, on my beliefs, my feelings, my sexual orientations even if i think that i just adapt from my partner and the love i can have but it's not directly the subject !

I feeling like a man and a woman. I used to be strong by the past, with a active male mindset. Of course, this does not mean everything, because you can be strong and go on even with a female mindset ! But i have changed.

Now feeling my femininity more deeply than before, i'm facing some questions like, i am really a woman inside me ? Am i lying to everyone ? Or Am i lying to YOU * joking *, because i may not be the woman i want to be ?

Of course in my thought i face the family reactions. It's not easy. I'm not feeling wrong with my body. But i want to be woman, maybe without SRS for some reasons. I like the Male body and the female body, i'm attired to the two so (i'm bisexual), i used to be the active (sexually) in the past, but it seem far less attractive to me now. I'm feeling more female sensibility now and i think it's better.

I started to learn to talk like a woman today, and i was proud of my first results !

But you know, at some other moments i think something like : "Hey, maybe it's just a phantasm, maybe you are wrong. Maybe it's wrong to do that. Maybe you are not really a woman !"
I don't want to lie to myself.

But something inside tell me : "You are a female, even if you have your part of masculinity, it will be great".
On the other side, when i think about my sister, she has a very masculine personality, in my opinion, and i would not be wrong to think that i may be more feminine (in my mind and way of life) than her...Or maybe sometime or on some subjects. I don't know exactly !

I'm happy to talk about theses thing here, because i'm feeling my femininity shining, when writing.
It's not always easy to feel it at all moments because i have a deep voice, and some other physical attributes that are more masculine than feminine !

So...Who am i really ? I want to make the step, and being a woman, but is it real ? Am i lying to myself ! *Do !*

Sorry for theses repetitive thoughts. I wish someone here will open my eyes !

Thanks a lot. Maybe this thread is not very well constructed. But i have tried to write it according to the flow of my thoughts.

Love.
Paam

Talking to a therapist can help you to sort through all those feelings. Do you have one to talk to?

No i don't have one.

But for the moment, i was more searching some opinions from Susans forum members. Is it bad ?

And i fear that some therapist think something like "You have problem to think like that". France is not a bad place, but not the best at all for theses subjects...

IT isn't bad. You will get varying answers. The thing is, you end up having to look inside yourself for the answers. Here you will get opinions and experiences from which you can relate or not and come up with your own decisions.

Yes it's true ! I think a therapist can be a good thing, but i think it's also a good think to hear about some personn that used to have doubt , experience things about all of that.

But for the moment, it seem that my thread don't have a lot of success haha :p

Thank you LordKAT for your participation !

NP, if you read some other intro posts, you will see that your story is actually pretty common. Many people, many stories, and yet a common thread and often even more common experiences.

You are right, i will go this way for the moment !

(And maybe hoping some feedback here too !)

My thoughts (for what they are worth)!!!

I have thought about the issue of how real is my gender identity, am I correct, have I made it up etc and it comes down to a couple of themes my therapist points me to regularly as I slowly move forward.  These are to focus on how I feel and more particularly how I experience my chosen gender identity as I present it more outwardly.  Even when I can answer those questions (it can take me a while to figure it out sometimes), I am still left wondering.  The value I place in my therapy is in learning to reflect on myself honestly.  I do not find my therapy sessions very easy at all and I do not recall getting a single pro-transition comment from her.  When I finally arrive at a decision point, she is supportive of that decision (a bit!!!!!).

So, what do I do?  Well I just work on being as authentic and honest as I can be with myself first and foremost and if progressing my transition doesn't cause distress and moves me to a better place, then I am content.  This gives me the confidence that I am actually right. This is one of the reasons I appreciate some of the tougher posters here.  They cause me to evaluate my feelings in the context of the real world, not some fantasy creation.

I feel I am very slow at moving forward with my transition but I have decades of conservative living behaviours etched into my being that are taking some peeling back.  But I am learning to trust myself -just as well as I am fast approaching the work transition. 

I am still very frightened of the work transition.  Immediate family know and that isn't without issues but there are only 4 of them and they love me.  In a specialist management position at work, there are literally hundreds of people who have a direct relationship with me. This is why I place so much importance on being as authentic as possible.  This is where the confidence to move forward comes from.

Enough rambling.  Probably not of much value to anyone but me

Quote from: EmmaD on June 20, 2014, 01:54:43 PM
My thoughts (for what they are worth)!!!

I have thought about the issue of how real is my gender identity, am I correct, have I made it up etc and it comes down to a couple of themes my therapist points me to regularly as I slowly move forward.  These are to focus on how I feel and more particularly how I experience my chosen gender identity as I present it more outwardly.  Even when I can answer those questions (it can take me a while to figure it out sometimes), I am still left wondering.  The value I place in my therapy is in learning to reflect on myself honestly.  I do not find my therapy sessions very easy at all and I do not recall getting a single pro-transition comment from her.  When I finally arrive at a decision point, she is supportive of that decision (a bit!!!!!).

So, what do I do?  Well I just work on being as authentic and honest as I can be with myself first and foremost and if progressing my transition doesn't cause distress and moves me to a better place, then I am content.  This gives me the confidence that I am actually right. This is one of the reasons I appreciate some of the tougher posters here.  They cause me to evaluate my feelings in the context of the real world, not some fantasy creation.

I feel I am very slow at moving forward with my transition but I have decades of conservative living behaviours etched into my being that are taking some peeling back.  But I am learning to trust myself -just as well as I am fast approaching the work transition. 

I am still very frightened of the work transition.  Immediate family know and that isn't without issues but there are only 4 of them and they love me.  In a specialist management position at work, there are literally hundreds of people who have a direct relationship with me. This is why I place so much importance on being as authentic as possible.  This is where the confidence to move forward comes from.

Enough rambling.  Probably not of much value to anyone but me

No, no, i think you are doing it right, and this enlight me !

In my opinion, the most difficult (i mean, for me) is to see the things clearly : I'm living as a man for the moment, and i have some habits and attitude in that way and i don't feel bad about it. On the other hand, i feel very good when i can experience theses feminine moment. But except my boyfriend for the moment, i can hardly do/act like that.

I understand your fear about your work, it's not something easy at all...For the moment i'm a little lucky, i'm starting/trying to work as independant. I realized theses things about being a woman few days before the end of my previous job.

I would like to help you about this fear, but what to do except facing the present ? I wish you everything will be alright !

I don't know for the moment how my family will react about that if i "come out" at a moment.

Thanks for your experience sharing EmmaD !