To be honest, it was like some sort of dream. If I had to remember specific periods or events, I would not be able to. I guess it was a bit delayed - at least in music school all boys had their voice going down while I was still lugging behind. Lots of stuff happened - last attempts of crossdressing, lower parts waking up (I hated waking up at night to realise that IT has happened again and I need to clean it up). Shaving my legs with dull razor... lol. Lots of confused sexuality, but also lots of fun from books. I was consuming them in piles and through them I lived lives of other people. Yeah, books + imagination took me to other lands and places and thus were my saviors. In the end, living in dreams sort of balanced it all out .

It's hard for me to tell what part puberty played in my misery. I think I was a bit of a late bloomer so I was always picked on for not being tough enough or whatever. I didn't play sports. The truth is, I kept waiting to turn into a man and for this weird female obsession to go away. Like then I can get on with my life. I had long blond hair in southern California and it wasn't uncommon to gendered female, although at the time is was embarrassing and I resented that. But I didn't know about trans stuff, only whatever craziness I saw on Sprinter and I knew I wasn't that. I just don't remember hating puberty for what it was doing to me, but also for what it wasn't doing. Like why isn't this working? All the people around me were turning into these young men and I wasn't. Even now when I see men I wonder when did they turn into a man? This must be a weird thing I only think about. I do consider myself lucky in this regard, but not as lucky as girls who start in their teens.

So how was my first puberty?Fail.

For reasons I may never know, it seams that I never really went thought puberty.
I never had spontaneous erections (thank God), but did have morning stuff.

Awful, at school at home it was just a very bad period in my life where I suffered a lot.

Quote from: JennyH on June 19, 2014, 09:48:04 AM
Like many others my first puberty was absolute HELL. I turned inward and began on a road of isolation and depression that lasted almost 20 years. The more I progressed in puberty the more I came to hate myself on a very deep level. Not understanding why I began cutting and at thirteen had my first suicide attempt. I remember as I got chest hairs I was so disgusted by them that I would pluck them out and then beat myself up about how I was a freak for doing this and what was wrong with. Around the age of fifteen I turned to drugs and alcohol which was very effective in dealing with my dysphoria this lasted till about four years ago when I needed to get clean and sober then it all came rushing back. My second puberty has been absolutely amazing I am comfortable in my own body and I never knew what happiness really was until now.

OMG thats so similar to my story. Same at 13 my depression started but I didn't ever cut. I started drinking and just became completely detached from everything and anyone. My parents tried to figure out what was wrong with me but I didn't have the courage to tell them. Since I come from a very machismo culture. I was terrified of coming out and kept telling myself it was just a phase. I'll make it somehow. Long story short, it just kept getting worst to the point of multiple suicide attempts and a very volatile relationship with my parents.

I finally decided to transition at 20 and here I' am 4 years in and I couldn't be happier. My relationship with my parents has never been better.

I guess it all started around age 10 for me.. I was exploring my sexuality a bit, which was confusing. And interactions with others became complex.. It was difficult for me to adapt to male gender roles and to deal with other kids while they were developing too. I just felt like I was on the wrong side of things. Felt like it'd be so much easier being female, because it's more 'me'. Like I wouldn't have to deal with guy BS and trying to measure up to all my guy friends. At one point I ran home after some confrontation with some people and nearly killed myself. For a while I just cried myself to sleep wishing I'd wake up as a girl. So for me, it was a lot of mental stuff, especially dealing with gender roles and gender-based interactions with others.

The physical changes weren't too sudden or major, and I guess I expected it all to happen. But the weird thing is, at one point I forgot I wanted to be a girl. I guess it was all too traumatic to deal with, so I suddenly started focusing on being more of a guy and being 'acceptable'. It softened the blow of puberty I suppose. So between 12-13 and maybe 15 I was trying to improve myself and become 'cooler' and more masculine, instead of the pathetic lil freak that I used to be. It worked, especially smoking pot with people. I had some good friends too, so it wasn't so bad. Fell into a certain persona that worked for me. Nothing tooo masculine, but was 'acceptable'. And that's how I survived puberty and my teens... just repressed the dysphoria away.. :/

Hell in some ways especially the pressure I felt from others who obviously felt should be dating someone, but never had that urge or need too. The facial hair was another big thing that I didn't like. It always grew slowly, but was just another painful reminder of the body I was stuck in.

Quote from: Ashey on June 21, 2014, 09:33:17 AM
I guess it all started around age 10 for me.. I was exploring my sexuality a bit, which was confusing. And interactions with others became complex.. It was difficult for me to adapt to male gender roles and to deal with other kids while they were developing too. I just felt like I was on the wrong side of things. Felt like it'd be so much easier being female, because it's more 'me'. Like I wouldn't have to deal with guy BS and trying to measure up to all my guy friends. At one point I ran home after some confrontation with some people and nearly killed myself. For a while I just cried myself to sleep wishing I'd wake up as a girl. So for me, it was a lot of mental stuff, especially dealing with gender roles and gender-based interactions with others.

The physical changes weren't too sudden or major, and I guess I expected it all to happen. But the weird thing is, at one point I forgot I wanted to be a girl. I guess it was all too traumatic to deal with, so I suddenly started focusing on being more of a guy and being 'acceptable'. It softened the blow of puberty I suppose. So between 12-13 and maybe 15 I was trying to improve myself and become 'cooler' and more masculine, instead of the pathetic lil freak that I used to be. It worked, especially smoking pot with people. I had some good friends too, so it wasn't so bad. Fell into a certain persona that worked for me. Nothing tooo masculine, but was 'acceptable'. And that's how I survived puberty and my teens... just repressed the dysphoria away.. :/

I put on a pretty good male pseudo self during those years. It all fell apart when I turned 19 and started doing LSD that self I created got left far behind

The poison of T hit me in my early teens. I thought this would actually be a great way to break me out of the thought process I had of always wanting to be a female. When facial hair started appearing I plucked it out until I realized it was a lost cause. I was extremly depressed when I was 19 when my dysphoria was at an alltime high. The world wide web didn't exist just yet, so I didn't even realize what this was. I should have just squashed or twisted the poison factories off at this point, if you know what I mean.

None of this ever stopped me from wearing makeup or dressing "en femme". I was always one of the guys though, getting into sports and cars and anything else that could distance my inner self from the outside world.

Quote from: stephaniec on June 21, 2014, 10:48:23 AM
I put on a pretty good male pseudo self during those years. It all fell apart when I turned 19 and started doing LSD that self I created got left far behind

Interesting. I did a lot of shrooms at 19, and by 20 I realized I was trans.. I know that there were cracks in my facade all along before the dam finally burst, but I do wonder how much my experiences at 19 contributed to my realization of who and what I was.

Quote from: Ashey on June 21, 2014, 11:21:56 AM
Interesting. I did a lot of shrooms at 19, and by 20 I realized I was trans.. I know that there were cracks in my facade all along before the dam finally burst, but I do wonder how much my experiences at 19 contributed to my realization of who and what I was.

major revelation for me.