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Changes at work

Started by JayneS, June 19, 2014, 06:45:59 AM

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JayneS

Hi girls,

Has anyone found they are being treated differently at work since going full time? I don't mean blatantly, sort of implied or inferred, it has been going on pretty much all week now. Comments such as 'are you sure you are OK with that? Or, do you understand what I mean, when discussing a new project.  They never said these things before I went full time! It is not so much bothering me, it is just ever so slightly uncomfortable.
Then just before lunch, this young guy said, mind you don't chip your nails typing!! I am talking to Ian as we are having lunch together, he said ignore it,  but it seems like they think I have lost half of my brain!! I know I can be a bit Ditzy at times but I have never made a mistake. then the ultimate comment yesterday was now remember Jayne if you need help just ask!!! Is it just me here? I have been in this job for like ten years  ??? Things like, opening doors for me, offering me a seat at meetings etc I can handle and it is very sweet of them, but this almost feels subversive. Or am I just being a little paranoid??

Love and hugs


Jayne xxx
I have nothing to say I haven't said before, I have bled all I can and won't bleed no more, I don't need no one to understand!
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stephaniec

possibly a little of both
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Eva Marie

From everything I have ever read about this your experience sounds very typical for a female. It seems that transition makes us lose 50% of our brains in other peoples eyes. The "good" thing is that you are getting the typical treatment that females usually receive from other people so people see you as just another female in the office - you are fitting in perfectly.
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Ms Grace

Yeah, I do feel I am being treated differently - but I where I work it's mostly other women so the difference is around greater acceptance, or at least what I feel is "greater acceptance".
Grace
----------------------------------------------
Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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JayneS

Girls I get what you are saying, I am a woman and I should be treated with respect however, it is almost like they are questioning my ability now  :( Sort of weird! OK I can live it, just wondered if anyone else had experienced it.


Love

Jayne xxx


I have nothing to say I haven't said before, I have bled all I can and won't bleed no more, I don't need no one to understand!
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allisonsteph

Quote from: JayneS on June 19, 2014, 09:12:45 AMit is almost like they are questioning my ability now

Which is something that all women in the workplace experience at one time or another. People think that we are delicate creatures better suited for the kitchen than the workplace. While your co-workers treatment of you is on the misogynistic side, you are being accepted and treated as a woman.
In Ardua Tendit (She attempts difficult things)
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Evelyn K

Quote from: JayneS on June 19, 2014, 06:45:59 AM
Hi girls,

Has anyone found they are being treated differently at work since going full time? I don't mean blatantly, sort of implied or inferred, it has been going on pretty much all week now. Comments such as 'are you sure you are OK with that? Or, do you understand what I mean, when discussing a new project.  They never said these things before I went full time! It is not so much bothering me, it is just ever so slightly uncomfortable.
Then just before lunch, this young guy said, mind you don't chip your nails typing!! I am talking to Ian as we are having lunch together, he said ignore it,  but it seems like they think I have lost half of my brain!! I know I can be a bit Ditzy at times but I have never made a mistake. then the ultimate comment yesterday was now remember Jayne if you need help just ask!!! Is it just me here? I have been in this job for like ten years  ??? Things like, opening doors for me, offering me a seat at meetings etc I can handle and it is very sweet of them, but this almost feels subversive. Or am I just being a little paranoid??

Love and hugs


Jayne xxx

I'm reading these as signs of condescending off-handed remarks. That sounds over the top I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
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Misha

When a colleague opens a door for me I'm perfectly fine with that as office security doors are terribly heavy for me. However when there were road works near our office building and part of the path was terribly muddy a colleague I went for lunch with offered his hand to me as an aid for me to cross it over. I said: "I think I can jump across that." And I did.

I guess that it's thanks to my asperger that nobody dared to talk to me like I'm less intelligent. I still have nicknames like "walking wikipedia" or "knowledge cloud" :-) .

The only thing that is gradually more irritating is that often when a man on our floor goes past my desk he looks in my direction. I'm actually thinking about changing desk because of that. Sure, I understand they're curious but like something is going to change on me every 2 hours...

EDIT: Funny coincidence that the head of HR in our Prague office studied psychology and knows my therapist in person as she was his student. And she helped me immensely.

EDIT2: Corrected grammar of first edit
Semi-blind asperger transwoman. But do I care? No I don't. I love myself :-) .
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LittleEmily24

I wish. But i work with mostly family so I can't expect to be treated like a woman for at least a year to come... my mom treats me like a woman though, which i can appreciate... the rest of my family is pretty "against" my transition.

I'm waiting for my name change approval to arrive in the mail so i can change all my documents and find a new job.
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Miharu Barbie

I transitioned so long ago that I barely remember office dynamics/politics at the job where I transitioned.  Since that time, I've found myself in jobs where I'm either in a position of authority, or I'm in an all-female environment.  (I presently work for a large order of Catholic nuns; my boss is the only man in the administration building, and he has immense respect and admiration for me.)

Here's a funny thing though.  For over 10 years prior to transition, I was a truck and car mechanic; I even owned my own shop for a few years.  Ever since transition, I find that whenever I have to take my car to a shop, the mechanics talk down to me as if I couldn't possibly comprehend what they're talking about.  I once went with my father to drop his car off for repairs (he wanted me there because he didn't understand what the mechanics were talking about and he wanted to lean on my expertise.)  The mechanic we met with would only address my father.  At first when I asked questions, he would just ignore me.  As I persisted in asking questions, the mechanic began answering my questions but to my father.  So I'd ask a question, and the mechanic would give my father the answer.  He acted as if I wasn't even standing there.  It was very bazaar.

I hate to admit it, but I'm mostly okay with men talking down to me.  I'm sort of submissive by nature, and I always prefer to be taken care of and protected generally speaking.  Sometimes, like when dealing with mechanics for instance, I see my soft spoken submissive nature as a super power.  I occasionally find it helpful to let mechanics and service people assume I know nothing about things mechanical/automotive; sometimes their assumption will bring out their inner protector and they'll bend over backwards to take care of me, and other times I'll catch dishonest mechanics with their guard down.  Heck, if these guys are going to underestimate me, why shouldn't I use their misogynistic attitudes to my advantage?

I know; I should be ashamed of myself.  I guess I'm just a femme fatale at heart.
FEAR IS NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!


HRT:                         June 1998
Full Time For Good:     November 1998
Never Looking Back:  Now!
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ganjina

Since I kind of look cismale I don't have those problems, but I must say that when this kind of thing happens with my GF (it rarely does):

Quote from: Miharu Barbie on June 19, 2014, 03:46:03 PM
So I'd ask a question, and the mechanic would give my father the answer.  He acted as if I wasn't even standing there.  It was very bazaar.

I can either give the person talking to me the shoulder, turn around, ignore him and look at my GF and ask HER while the guy's talking, simultaneously, "what do you think?", then keep blatantly ignoring him and only look at my GF. Also, ignore him and point at my GF, might add "she's the one asking" or "she's the one who cares".

This really gets on my nerves and I guess I can use my heigh and serious/angry face in this kind of offensive way. Am not very proud of it, but i say, F... it.
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Ginny

Lol, I remember when this first happened to me about three months ago.  The third tier tech support guy figured that I couldn't be smarter than he was when diagnosing the problem I was having with my hospital equipment and was treating me as if I was a child.  The second tier woman who was on conference with us tried to tell him that this girl definitely knew what she was doing and just to do as I asked. He wasn't convinced.  Instead he acted like I was lieing about some piece of information that was making it so he couldn't identify the issue and that "Maam I'm going to have to send a representative to your facility to confirm your story." 

I was like, "umm...what just happened" and then a co-worker said "welcome to being a woman".  So basically even though I am beyond the ability of my colleagues, I have to go an extra step further now just to be at their level.  Which is odd because the lab I work in is 95% women? However all our reps and tech support ppl we call in are males.  Let me at em' I'll match them wit for wit any day of the week :P   Wait, I forgot that I do go total ditz like 2 days a month now, so... most days of the week  :laugh:
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svaso

This is a good post as my come out date is quite soon, and I've been agonizing over what the responses will be like.  The upper management knows but none of my employees know.  I'm making myself think that this will all be a breeze, but I know I sometimes look through rose colored glasses.  Currently, I run the operation at our facility and people have made obvious remarks to my transition even if they don't know.  Do I physically pass?  Well I don't think so, but I have worn light make up to work and have turned in my manly habits for more feminine habits.   

One of my employees told me that he thought my hair looked good and likes the fact that I can be myself without worrying about what others say.  I was walking out the door yesterday and responded to someones question with, 'this is how I keep my tough guy attitude."  Everyone started laughing because I don't have much tough guy left in me, but it was the response I hoped for.  I used to get slaps on the back, but now it's soft touches on the arm.  Maybe it doesn't mean a thing and I'm just fooling myself to increase my confidence, but I think my employees know and they are cool with it.  I hope they will be cool when it's official.
Stacy
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ganjina

Nice comeback svaso, I am in a similar state of mind and I really hope things work out for you, good luck.
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kira21 ♡♡♡

Yes its pretty normal.

I have to say Miharu Barbie, I consistently get the same from mechanics. They never answer questions to me if there is a man there they can answer them to and it is bizarre.  And my approach is the same as yours. I am submissive, like to be protected and I actually quite like it and in various situations I will let them assume until its useful to pop that bubble.

LittleEmily24: The frozen -let it go song is rapidly becoming the anthem to my life. I love it. Its so painful to hear but leaves you feeling proud and uncompromising in your identity. I must listen to it an unhealthy amount of times; I get some kind of audio-centric Tetris effect from it, but it really helps me deal with familial rejection and the like.

Ginny

Morning all!
I just remembered something. Besides being treated like a woman, for a few months, everyone kept telling me how brave I was. I know they meant well, but meantally I was thinking "I'm not brave. I have an overwelming need to be this way and can't help it."
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JayneS

Jennifer YEAH go baby!!! Take the complement hun, you are braver than any man hun we all are, and more woman than they could ever handle!!! >:-) And look at you if I wasn't straight I would be tempted!!!


Love and hugs


Jayne xxx
I have nothing to say I haven't said before, I have bled all I can and won't bleed no more, I don't need no one to understand!
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