Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 19, 2014, 02:12:25 PM
I feel sad for you. You find no joy at all in being alive and a unique human being with feelings and emotions? How is that even possible? I have to say it, but you have bigger issue's than just gender identification. Please find a competent Psychologist or Psychiatrist and see if they can unravel the mystery which binds you into an existence and not life.

Uh,  it's not easy to get that way. It takes a long time of actually learning that your life means nothing to anyone, your days have no goals or purpose and nothing you do is capable of changing your situation.

I feel a little meaningful when I can be things for other people but yah as soon they leave it's like you said. I didn't feel trans until I took that role with my bf

I see a therapist but this stuff is hard to make progress on.  I lose hope a lot.  Also she's gone for the summer so it's been double hard,  I'm  losing a lot of the progress I made I think. Sorry I know I'm blabbering way too much about myself.

Quote from: sad panda on June 19, 2014, 02:53:55 PM
Sorry I know I'm blabbering way too much about myself.

Don't apologize for what's on your mind ever. I just hope talking about it with us helps. I felt the same way as far as just existing before I began transition and HRT. Now it is like everything makes sense now and I can express myself and grow as a person and a human. Being unhappy with myself made all my other issue's almost impossible to deal with. I can definitely tell a change when I have to miss therapy for a week or two so I totally get you there. It is like the rock becomes quicksand again. The only real problem I see with you is you need to break the pattern of acting and doing what others expect of you and find the real you and express it. 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 19, 2014, 03:25:32 PM
Don't apologize for what's on your mind ever. I just hope talking about it with us helps. I felt the same way as far as just existing before I began transition and HRT. Now it is like everything makes sense now and I can express myself and grow as a person and a human. Being unhappy with myself made all my other issue's almost impossible to deal with. I can definitely tell a change when I have to miss therapy for a week or two so I totally get you there. It is like the rock becomes quicksand again. The only real problem I see with you is you need to break the pattern of acting and doing what others expect of you and find the real you and express it. 

Thanks, yeah that topic comes up a lot.... I'm not really sure what the real you is supposed to feel like though :S

i think i can understand the thought of you might be transphobic. for some reason, every time i hear about a trans person or even read the boards, i get this ping. maybe its more so on an envious state that turns to serious dislike. being in my position, i cant help but to feel this way. i honestly think because of our environment that has the most impact. sry if this isnt helping. these past few days have been somewhat rough and as i was reading, i began to notice somethings lol

Quote from: sad panda on June 19, 2014, 04:00:20 PM
Thanks, yeah that topic comes up a lot.... I'm not really sure what the real you is supposed to feel like though :S

Quite simply how would you act, live and do if there were no societal impacts on you? How different would you be if you were free to do anything or live as you wanted? If we were all not assigned at birth what would you have chosen to be? The only way I can see to answer these questions is to imagine yourself in a whole new city or state where no one knew you. How would you live and present? That little exercise should give you some clue as to what you need to do.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 19, 2014, 04:23:45 PM
Quite simply how would you act, live and do if there were no societal impacts on you?

Honestly I would probably either just want to die, or just sleep all the time.

It reminds me of when I took wellbutrin, I stopped thinking about what people thought/expected of me for a while, and at that point I pretty much stopped getting out of bed altogether, I didn't even feel like spending money, which is usually an outlet to me. I just felt really dead, and didn't really mind either way. Sometimes I think that's how I actually am deep down and I just am living life because I feel like I'm supposed to/owe it to people.

QuoteHow different would you be if you were free to do anything or live as you wanted? If we were all not assigned at birth what would you have chosen to be? The only way I can see to answer these questions is to imagine yourself in a whole new city or state where no one knew you. How would you live and present? That little exercise should give you some clue as to what you need to do.

I actually moved to a new town, but I still just presented how I thought people would expect me to, so I'm still not sure, but yeah if I could do it again I'd be a boy just because I wouldn't have all these worries about feeling fake.

Quote from: sad panda on June 19, 2014, 04:40:48 PM
Honestly I would probably either just want to die, or just sleep all the time.

I was around death every day for 28 years and I can tell you only now there is life out there. I wish you lived near me because I can only talk to you about it. I would LOVE to show you there is a happy life out there for you. I did not believe it either, but now I am living it. It did take some work though, but it is so worth it. I have new friends I never thought I would have and my whole way of thinking has changed to be more tolerant and forgiving instead of condemning.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 19, 2014, 04:52:32 PM
I was around death every day for 28 years and I can tell you only now there is life out there. I wish you lived near me because I can only talk to you about it. I would LOVE to show you there is a happy life out there for you. I did not believe it either, but now I am living it. It did take some work though, but it is so worth it. I have new friends I never thought I would have and my whole way of thinking has changed to be more tolerant and forgiving instead of condemning.

Aww, well that is sweet of you.  We probably don't live near each other, I'm sorta in the boonies now lol... worst place for me to be. Though it's busier around here for the summer at least. I'm good at being tolerant at least just not good at defending my boundaries. If there's any good thing about being trans it has kept me out of the hospital in crisis because my boyfriend knew that, being trans, getting committed would just traumatize me even worse than stopping whatever I was going to do to myself. I grew up around suicide though, so I'm sadly just in home territory that you sound familiar with too, from the other side. :/

You do have the power to break that cycle in your life though. I had patients that should not have survived and their mental state pulled them through. It was really amazing sometimes. You have the total power to say "enough I am going to change things". You are not predestined to fail or live a life of misery at all. Do you think it was easy at all for me to transition after making a reputation as an Alpha Dog Paramedic/Firefighter? I had a 28 year history as the most unlikely trans person on the face of the Earth. I could have stayed depressed, isolated and lived every day thinking about ending myself, but after all those years of helping strangers I realized it was time for me to be happy and worry about myself for a change. I had the choice to break the cycle and so do you. What you do from this point on is up to you and not society or the expectations of others. If you fail it is all on you now. Are you up to the challenge or will you just wither away and never live a single glorious day? 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 19, 2014, 07:07:39 PM
You do have the power to break that cycle in your life though. I had patients that should not have survived and their mental state pulled them through. It was really amazing sometimes. You have the total power to say "enough I am going to change things". You are not predestined to fail or live a life of misery at all. Do you think it was easy at all for me to transition after making a reputation as an Alpha Dog Paramedic/Firefighter? I had a 28 year history as the most unlikely trans person on the face of the Earth. I could have stayed depressed, isolated and lived every day thinking about ending myself, but after all those years of helping strangers I realized it was time for me to be happy and worry about myself for a change. I had the choice to break the cycle and so do you. What you do from this point on is up to you and not society or the expectations of others. If you fail it is all on you now. Are you up to the challenge or will you just wither away and never live a single glorious day? 

Well, I do get motivated to change a lot, and like I said I was making a lot of progress, it's just very hard to hold onto. My moods change like crazy, and just when I think I am really going to be able to change, I'll be hit by an unbearable wave of depression that literally makes me desperate to just be unconscious or worse. I've done some pretty insane things in those moods that I would never normally do. I've gotten better at being more productive thru those bad times, but it's like... it's just hard when you don't honestly have any real hope or dreams to draw on and your world has become so small and empty. I really want to believe in what you are saying and I can totally see that it would have been really hard for you. Though, if I'm honest with myself it's still just that I think I'm supposed to feel that way, I haven't actually found a source of real hope and faith in life. I'm really trying to get there though. Thank you for your support! and sorry again if I'm being irritating lol.

Quote from: sad panda on June 19, 2014, 07:28:51 PM
and sorry again if I'm being irritating lol.

Quit already! you are not irritating. You have an issue and are trying to find help or advice to deal with it. As for the other, do you have any career ambitions or interest's that could help? There has to be something you want to do or dream about. Isn't there anything you want to do at all? Career? Travel? Family of your own? Anything?

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 19, 2014, 07:34:36 PM
Quit already! you are not irritating. You have an issue and are trying to find help or advice to deal with it. As for the other, do you have any career ambitions or interest's that could help? There has to be something you want to do or dream about. Isn't there anything you want to do at all? Career? Travel? Family of your own? Anything?

Well, I was kinda inspired to be a doctor or nurse, something where I could help people (I'm too messed up to be a therapist/psychiatrist) I just didn't think I could do it, also in reality I don't think I should be responsible for people's health, it would destroy me inside if I made any mistakes at all or hurt anyone. If I had to face a lawsuit or something... yeah, I wouldn't be able to cope with that pretty much ever I think.

I am trying to go back to school though, hoping to just do biology for now but they're stalling on changing my tuition and I might have to drop my late summer classes at this rate =/ but hopefully at least I will start that in the fall! I'm really scared though tbh. I'm always afraid that I'll make friends and get stuck between tell/not tell about my gender stuff. I feel like my transphobia makes it impossible to let people close, cuz I'm so paranoid of seeming fake to them.

Quote from: sad panda on June 19, 2014, 09:10:45 AM
I'm sorry but again, honestly what kind of child thinks this way? Or are we still talking about children?

This was me in the mid 1980s.  There was no internets, only what you could glean from sensationalist articles in print media and television.

Quote from: sad panda on June 19, 2014, 08:22:33 PM
Well, I was kinda inspired to be a doctor or nurse, something where I could help people (I'm too messed up to be a therapist/psychiatrist) I just didn't think I could do it, also in reality I don't think I should be responsible for people's health, it would destroy me inside if I made any mistakes at all or hurt anyone. If I had to face a lawsuit or something... yeah, I wouldn't be able to cope with that pretty much ever I think.

I would disagree with that.  If you have the passion for the work, you will learn and become competent, if not great at it.  Registered nurses work under the auspices of a supervising doctor, so it is rare they are the ones at fault.

You have a very beautiful mind panda.

People are people. I get about as frustrated at gender as you do (Loving your view point on it)

To me gender doesn't mater its irrelevant :p, yet I'm still hoping to transition why? because boy or girl or neither and both, I still want to try it. And do I "FEEL" like a girl? no. but I associate with woman on an emotional level. (When I say woman I mean my experience of people I've perceived to be woman) Never wanted to fight and take part in anything categorised male. Its just so not me.

I Like the clothes, I do, and all the other categorised female things about me, even developed stronger body dysphoria, as my bodies female features began to diminish.

So I'm doing an awful lot of talking about gender for having said its irrelevant. But truth be told is It only mattered once we start getting treated differently for being one or the other. Because I like must if not all people faced prejudices and violence for "Being ME" I wasn't supposed to do this or wear that because I was supposed to be a MAN? Its completely useless, I'm not supposed to be anything but me. Just wish the world could understand that.

So why transition at all? Because I believe my life would be easier, but from what it seams like for you it wouldn't be easier for you . Not yet anyway.

And I'm a whatever :p I say M2F because that's what a man that wants to go through a transition to female is supposed to be called. (LOL another supposed to be) So yes as far as any terminology and or pronouns for me are concerned, I am to you what you see me as, But I, to I, am me, and me to me, is what I see.

Quote from: sad panda on June 19, 2014, 08:22:33 PM
Well, I was kinda inspired to be a doctor or nurse, something where I could help people (I'm too messed up to be a therapist/psychiatrist)

I definately disagree with that statement 100%. Who better to help people with psycholgical problems than someone that knows what and how those probelms feel like and exaclty how they affect a person? To be a psychiatrist though be ready for college and then med school because they are indeed and MD and have to do everything a regular doctor has to go through. But one thing about that is that there are few and they are quite busy.

Sad panda, I really agree with Jessica, it sounds like you have a lot more going on than just gender issues. Whatever it is it may be exacerbating those issues but definately you need to talk with someone.

Quote from: sad panda on June 19, 2014, 04:40:48 PM
Honestly I would probably either just want to die, or just sleep all the time.

I know that feeling all too well. This statement kind of worries me. This sounds like a symptom of major depression which could be manifesting itself in gender issues or transphobic issues and issues of low self esteem. You are not irritating anyone yet believe you are, self esteem. You are just as important as anyone else. You really need to talk to your therapist and then a psychiatrist about this because you do not have to live that way.

@luna nyan

You must have been a really smart kid then lol

@butterflyvickster

Thanks. Yeah, just doing what you want to do regardless of gender is SO important I think. I'm bad at it but I think it is really important!

@Jess42

Well I probably have some kinda MDD like thing but it was just all rolled up into BPD which is kind of an all-encompassing garbage bin dx. It doesn't matter though, I do know all these distortions are a problem, it's just I still have to live with them every day and make choices knowing that I'm still gonna be living with them tomorrow. Like I have to force myself to keep living life as trans even though I know it will never feel good anyway.

I remember being really jealous of a psychiatrist I met once. She was like in her 20s, already a psychiatrist, and she was sooo pretty. I sort of just feel like a gross trans blob who won't even tolerate being trans. I mean maybe if I get about 5 or 6 surgeries I'd feel a little bit okay about myself, but there's still so many reasons it's not enough, it's like I can't bear to care about my social presentation when I've already given up on it so much anyway.

Quote from: sad panda on June 20, 2014, 01:25:06 PM
@Jess42

Well I probably have some kinda MDD like thing but it was just all rolled up into BPD which is kind of an all-encompassing garbage bin dx. It doesn't matter though, I do know all these distortions are a problem, it's just I still have to live with them every day and make choices knowing that I'm still gonna be living with them tomorrow. Like I have to force myself to keep living life as trans even though I know it will never feel good anyway.

I remember being really jealous of a psychiatrist I met once. She was like in her 20s, already a psychiatrist, and she was sooo pretty. I sort of just feel like a gross trans blob who won't even tolerate being trans. I mean maybe if I get about 5 or 6 surgeries I'd feel a little bit okay about myself, but there's still so many reasons it's not enough, it's like I can't bear to care about my social presentation when I've already given up on it so much anyway.

Yeah, I know. I suffer from major depression but according to my psychiatrist she diagnosed with Bipolar too. How the hell can I have Bipolar when there are no highs? Just extreme lows in which I am unable to crawl out of? She figures since my depression manifests itself as anger and rage that that is a form of mania so manic depression which is another name for bipolar depression. So it is legit and I have the Tshirt to prove it or at least diagnosis, I am a freakin maniac. I maybe halfway insane but I really don't care. I am who I am, accept it or bite me. I make no apologies.

Hon, I really don't know what to say. We are all who we are. Trans or cis, acording to your avatar this one now and the one you had earlier and a couple of pictures in another thread, you should be proud of your looks. You are extremely pretty. You may be trans hon, but you are not a gross blob, far from it, I usually don't give too many compliments about appearences 'cause it seems so shallow and true beauty lies on the inside but you are a beauty as far as appearances go. To be completely honest I would give anything to go back twenty some odd years ago and go the path you went and turn out with that kind of beauty you have. But I ended up taking a different path but we all are different. I can honestly identify with how you feel about wanting to sleep all the time or die. But we have to pull ourselves out of the muck somehow. You are trans and decided to be brave and to become a woman, I am trans and and a coward and stayed a guy or as much of a guy in outward appearences as comfortably possible. I am not happy about that either and it causes me probably as much trouble as it causes you and the older I get the more regrets that I have that I didn't go the route you did. But then again we are all different.

As for transphobic not to mention racist and homophobic, if anyone grew up in a family in an area that was predestined to be all three, that was me. Yet I am not any of those. I overcame and if my simple mindedness can overcome something like that anyone can. I am me. I think the way I want to think, I feel the way I want to feel. What I want to feel is friendships or the ability to make friends with anyone regardless of anything about them. I love who I want to love as long as they love me whether or not that is within the so called norm. Whether trans, gay, bi or a little green man or woman from Mars. I have done a lot of living in my life, sometimes fast, sometimes hard sometimes easy and sometimes sleazy and have experienced a lot of subcultures which probably has made me way more accepting of others and myself. I pride myself as being not "normal" but rather look at myself as extremely unique. Good or bad, you or anyone else decide. You don't have to go that route but it takes all kinds of people, cis, trans, gay, lesbian, skinny, fat, ignorant, dumb, intellegent, open minded, closed minded, and most important of all in your life, you .

Please sad panda, never give up. Be who you want to be but never give up. I have been to that point and come so close to it, but never did it. When we go through things like what you are experiencing right now, no matter how painful, it builds character and when we overcome we become stronger for it. I like sad panda. You are smart, you have helped people here and I hope that you can come to accept and then like and eventually love yourself because you really deserve it.

It makes me sad to read your threads. It's not fair someone as beautiful and genuine ax you should be so unhappy. I'm here for you ofc, and you can text or hmu on Skype or whatever any time <3

I think you're too intelligent and too self aware for your own good and it's making you overly introspective, contemplative and insecure. I think you'd do best to stop worrying and just let go. Everything in life is relative...nothing really means anything by default..in the end we're just sort if blobs of tissue floating around a speck in the universe right? Things only have meaning that we give them and you're giving way too much to things that make you unhappy.

I think you should quit fighting the sadness and pain and let yourself feel it but keep your eye open for the little things that'll make you feel good and direct your energy there...ya know, mindfulness and all that ->-bleeped-<-.

Ive been seeing life like a black comedy lately and for whatever else it's sure made life easier to handle.

Just my two cents. I think you spend your life constantly plucking weeds but leaving the roots

Quote from: sad panda on June 20, 2014, 01:25:06 PM
@butterflyvickster

Yes your absolutely right

I mention my feeling about things, and focus on that .

As said before, I like everything girly well not everything, But a lot of things, and liking and expressing myself in a male exspectasional presentation causes me a lot of grief, But seen as trans makes that easier, even if its only that I'm no longer expected to, make any hole a goal, I got so fed up of being accused of hitting on a girl just because I gave a compliment. Or being looked at like I just suggested playing football with a babies head, because I mention that I wish I looked like this girl or that girl, or had breasts.

What's the difference between, a girl that wants to look like this famous actress and a boy that wants to look like the same actress? absoloutly nothing.  A person isn't a gender a person is their emotions, their hopes desires and dreams.

And you cannot know a person in a brief moment of looking. So say a question, that boy and girl and ask them why they want to look like this person,

What if they both say because she is really pretty and they want to be as pretty as she does?
So say I ask them why they want to be so pretty, and they both say, Because I want to be an actress and get to wear all those beautiful clothes?

Are they still any different? To them selves no, to another yes. say they grow up and meet the guy of their dreams, that man being the same for both. And the boy is accepted for having a penis, and the girl is rejected for having a vagina?

The boy would be happy and the girl wouldn't. It might make the girl wish she was born a boy.
And its goes the same the other way. If the girl was accepted and the boy rejected.

So are any of us any different? ONLY IN THE EYES OF OTHERS

Which is why I Hate gender people expect too much of us according to external presentation. And judge us on our likes and dislikes in accordance with these expectations. So do I Need excuses? no. Because regardless of gender I still like and dislike what I like and dislike. But many of these dislikes are caused by external pressures. Point is, would I be as depressed about my body if it wasn't for external reactions to it when it came to self expression?

So for me as it stands, my like is dis satisfactory because of liking and expressing categorised female  desires in an outwardly perceived male presentation. I'm treated with distaste because of it. Of course it could be said that liking all this cross gendered stuff is as a result of being transgendered. But if I was allowed to get married to a awesome guy while wearing that awesome dress would I have a problem? would I be as depressed? I think almost all the depression comes from being told you cant have anything you like because its for this gender and your that one. Go do all this stuff you don't enjoy and be miserable for the rest of your life because that what your supposed to be.

For me the word MAN is irrelevant to how I fell, But the expectations of it, the roll I'm forced to play because of it. Its those expectations I want rid of. And although I might only ever be seen as a man In a dress. I'll be happy as long as being seen like that means it lessons other male expectations. If I'm more likely to be included in girls nights out, less likely to be included in lads night out ect. If I can give compliments and advise to a woman without coming across as creeping for sex, or a sexist pig.

But Gender, is the biggest pain in the butt possible. I take it out of the equation when it comes to reasoning.
Iv had things said to me.
Like even I'm not that girly.
Or eh girls don't play video games?

But when woman fought for the right to be a soldier it was because being a girl doesn't stop them from wanting to fight to protect their country. And when men fought for the right to be with a man, it was because being a man doesn't stop them from liking men sexually.

And when I do what I do, it is because my external presentation doesn't stop me from being miserable because of how it looks. In todays society. man or woman I still like and want what I like and want. And without them my life is worthless

I Think a girl forced into a dress feels the same as a man forced out of one. Because at the end of it you have a person wearing clothes they don't want to, because that's what society says is normal.

I don't think trans people are the problem, I think its society in general. I have one cis fem friend that wishes she was born male. So she could be a cross dresser without having to change her wardrobe.

Wow I'm ranting. Sorry about that panda. Just supposed Maybe I could make things a little easier, if I listed some none gender related processing I use. But then One thought led into another and boom a rant.

Quote from: Abbyxo on June 20, 2014, 03:24:34 PM
It makes me sad to read your threads. It's not fair someone as beautiful and genuine ax you should be so unhappy. I'm here for you ofc, and you can text or hmu on Skype or whatever any time <3

I think you're too intelligent and too self aware for your own good and it's making you overly introspective, contemplative and insecure. I think you'd do best to stop worrying and just let go. Everything in life is relative...nothing really means anything by default..in the end we're just sort if blobs of tissue floating around a speck in the universe right? Things only have meaning that we give them and you're giving way too much to things that make you unhappy.

I think you should quit fighting the sadness and pain and let yourself feel it but keep your eye open for the little things that'll make you feel good and direct your energy there...ya know, mindfulness and all that ->-bleeped-<-.

Ive been seeing life like a black comedy lately and for whatever else it's sure made life easier to handle.

Just my two cents. I think you spend your life constantly plucking weeds but leaving the roots

This ^^^

Quote from: Abbyxo on June 20, 2014, 03:24:34 PM
It makes me sad to read your threads. It's not fair someone as beautiful and genuine ax you should be so unhappy. I'm here for you ofc, and you can text or hmu on Skype or whatever any time <3

I think you're too intelligent and too self aware for your own good and it's making you overly introspective, contemplative and insecure. I think you'd do best to stop worrying and just let go. Everything in life is relative...nothing really means anything by default..in the end we're just sort if blobs of tissue floating around a speck in the universe right? Things only have meaning that we give them and you're giving way too much to things that make you unhappy.

I think you should quit fighting the sadness and pain and let yourself feel it but keep your eye open for the little things that'll make you feel good and direct your energy there...ya know, mindfulness and all that ->-bleeped-<-.

Ive been seeing life like a black comedy lately and for whatever else it's sure made life easier to handle.

Just my two cents. I think you spend your life constantly plucking weeds but leaving the roots

I like these thoughts.