Today I had a meltdown at work. But first, woke up saw myself in the mirror, suddenly I realized how much I've been damaging myself with all this stretching I've been doing. I've lost way too much body fat, legs are looking like sticks, hips are almost nonexistent, I'm going almost straight down, actually slightly down and inward being how top heavy I appear without clothes on. That's it, no more. Sure, I was trying to do something good to keep me fit and possibly keep me having a good attitude, and figured, okay so I may lose some pounds but once back on the hormones I'll gain it all back no problem. Problem is, my body looks like a man's when undressed, even my boobs have shriveled up where before they had filled my bra cups completely, now hangs loose around me. I brushed it off, what could I do, had to get my ass to work.

So while working out housewares thoughts brought on by hopeless constantly ran through my mind, soon turned to plans of committing suicide later, and no matter how much I tried I just could not shake the idea out of my head. I cried off and on all morning, sometimes even having to stop and sit down in the isle as I tried to gather my bearings, pull myself together so I could keep working and so no one would see me upset like this (I'm pretty sure no one did, though this one couple asking where something was did I think notice that my eyes were all red and glassy looking, by the way they looked at me and thanked me, like oh, poor girl, I wonder what's wrong, that kind of thing). Last two hours I was fine, as in not a whimpering mess anymore, so got most of what I had to do done (don't go back until Friday).

Home now, washed up real quick, and with suicide out for the moment, even though still very much emotional, I made some calls. Called several places, one used to take transgender for HRT, doesn't at this time being the one that specializes with that isn't available as much because of family issues and that their waiting list is very long. But the guy on the phone when I asked did give me another place that I could try, so I immediately called that one next. Okay, so this other place does take transgender for HRT, but rates are high as all of them are, initial visit $280 plus lab work for $370 total (that's cheap, the only other two cost a little more), then 2 months after that he'll want to see me again for $250 total ($160 for appointment plus lab), each time thereafter visits are extended by two months more. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. Only plus is they aren't hiding any information from me unlike the other two that I called that would also take me for HRT.

I'm still feeling suicidal, but knowing my past when I'd been down this same road before, I figure the most I'll do is hurt myself really bad. Thinking something because you're upset doesn't always translate into actually being able to fulfill those thoughts. I got a headache that won't go away, and I'm very jittery, just feel totally wiped right now. If only I had the strength to die...

Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 17, 2014, 03:58:25 PM

I'm still feeling suicidal, but knowing my past when I'd been down this same road before, I figure the most I'll do is hurt myself really bad. Thinking something because you're upset doesn't always translate into actually being able to fulfill those thoughts. I got a headache that won't go away, and I'm very jittery, just feel totally wiped right now. If only I had the strength to die...

Please don't go there, this is a temporary setback and you want to address it like that? C'mon baby doll lets get it together, there is a lot more to life than what you're currently experiencing, what about your mom and snickers and people here who care for you?

Yeah, I do have some very strong anchors keeping me from drifting away.

So, today not much at first, but a little while ago I played with my dog. I had me a new idea for something different to play, skeet shooting (kind of) kind of like in Duck Hunt, inspired the day we played Warlords. So, the object of this game, using 10 tennis balls (those will be my bullets, my throwing arm the gun) to try to hit 10 targets (stuffed animals and such, though later I swap those out for Poptart boxes) tossed one at a time through the air (towards our entrance door). I'd love to had made it more challenging launching two plush at once but not enough room and I don't want to break anything, as it is mom don't like us having this kind of fun because we tend to get carried away with ourselves.

So, recording this, started out with some of the bigger easier targets working down to the smallest, each were tossed with a ball immediately following to try to hit it before it lands. I didn't do very well, okay, actually I sucked. Eh, camera's in the wrong place anyway, lets move it. Hmm, okay best I can do, afterall this is mostly for my (and Snickers) own amusement. Gave it another round, did worst this time. Okay Snickers, lets try something else. Putting the plush aside went to the kitchen to retrieve those Poptart boxes I had used for the Warlords game the other day, falling short a couple, oh well, what I have will have to do. Oh, okay, see this is more like it! But I still suck. Snickers really enjoyed herself but was panting really hard and I figure this was good enough for now. We'll play again later okay me doggie. Take a break.



We did play again but without the target element, I think what she really liked about that game was just that I was throwing the balls really hard, so I did that again for her for a little bit.

You're so cute with that little dog Megan. They are such great entertainment, I love my dog too!

Applying for jobs and trying to sort out this missing yearbook photo mess.

Worked overtime

Scheduled an appointment with my therapist to get my letter(s) of recommendation.

Been having some really bad anxiety today, a little bit of tears but slept them off in the rocking chair for a little bit and my mom woke me when she was done using the internet. I awoke feeling weakened and a bit sickly, dreaming nice dreams that when I awoke reality took that all away from me.

I spent the early part of the afternoon looking up and calling more endocrinologists, 7 of them, no luck, none taking transgender for HRT except one did say that she thought one of the endos might, but that doctor wasn't in today and for me to try back tomorrow. Okay, so will do. One told me to try an OBGYN. Huh? But aren't they just for female related only? I still have male parts. Maybe they didn't understand what a transsexual was. Maybe there's something I don't know. Oh, actually there was another that said they would, lady told me $700. Huh?! What?! Are you nuts?! Not sure what that included but I wasn't about to go there with details, that cost alone told me everything. Phone needed recharging, and I needed a break, and looks like I done tried every endo in my area listed on Google Maps, I think I'm going to have to expand and go out further.

My dog was sitting under me whining, with a ball beside her. Okay, sorry little girl, I just had some things to do, we'll play now. So we played, but only for a little bit. Started out playing basketball with the tennis balls, that doesn't quite work, too much in my favor. Then we switched over to soccer, okay, this is more like it. So I used our entrance doorway area as the goal, and I had to try to kick the ball into that are while Snickers tried to block me, she caught pretty quickly and used her paws to tackle the ball. Then we sat down for some tender quality time (petting, hugs, kisses, all that good stuff), after that a very short walk (too hot outside).

Anxiety hasn't diminished at all, also the glands on the sides of my throat are a little swollen, and I just feel so tired today.

---

Played with my dog for a while, if you watch, beware, lots of squeaking going on in this one. This is what happens when children play and there aren't any adults around to drive crazy. 



I think I'm getting sick, glands, particularly left side of my neck still swollen and uncomfortable, plus now left ear is bothering me, and I've had a tight pressure on my forehead all day. Great, that's all I need. Urgh. Maybe if I'm lucky it'll pass really quick.

Ate a sandwich

Put on a pad

Dressed up as a bunny and danced for a child's birthday party at my job

Went to church

Spoke to my friend on a phone at work

Ate a popsicle

Thirsted for a cold battle of water

Beat my mission impossible game

Okay, so I wasn't getting sick, that's a relief. Nope, tooth started hurting later in the evening last night, ah, no wonder I was feeling ill and my glands were swollen, uh, damn teeth. A tooth should not keep hanging on if its all rotted, it simply doesn't make any sense, its not that damn important, there's still plenty more. Why can't we be like sharks?

Made a few calls this morning, no more endos in my immediate area, so with a suggestion from a friend I tried some OB/GYN's. I had doubts, but I wouldn't hurt to call. One told me, we would be able to take you for hormones, but you have to have a vagina, because we can't see men here. Okay, that did it. Waterworks came, hit me hard after I got off the phone. Yep, that's all I needed, to reconfirm that I am not a woman. I upset my mom, she doesn't now what to do, how to help me because she's in a sorry ass boat alongside me. I know I sounded like such a sad case, so utterly crushed. I'm not a woman, I don't have a vagina, will I ever!? Took me a bit to recover from that blow I tell you.

Went to work for early afternoon since the truck was coming in late. Worked out some vases and frames for a bit then went to help with getting the trash out. Today was just nasty, worst day yet for working freight unload, sun was shining into the dock the whole time and it just totally drains me, wiped me out. I was a working zombie, legs hardly strong enough to stand never mind walk, arms that after dealing with the heavy load of water we unloaded first, made even lifting light things feel like a ton. I drank a lot, went through several bottles of water, but my throat and mouth were dry that when I did any talking, ugh, well it didn't come out female sounding, at least not completely, that my manager I noticed looked at me kind of odd, I just said my throat was dry, which is was, and tried to clear my throat and got another drink. Oh well, if I had a cold or something I wouldn't sound too appealing anyway, so ->-bleeped-<- it. By the end of the unload I was dragging, as it was I wasn't sure if I could finish, never had I been wiped out so bad as today. The young assistant manager dude that kinda likes me saw how beat I was, I told him, I need to find another job, a sit down one or something, this is really killing me. He gave me a hug, I hugged back...hey I needed it. My boss lady was also there, she was supposed to be gone I thought, but she saw me and asked what was wrong, uh, I'm totally worn out I reply. She asked how come. Its just way too hot. This woman is like the Energizer Bunny, she just keeps going and going. As it was when back there with the old manager fellow unloading the waters, we took turns on lifting, and I mentioned how if boss lady were back there she'd be moving them like they were nothing, he agreed and pointed to another palette of water saying she did all that herself the other day.

I hate Texas. The cold can be bad, but at least you can bundle up. There's only so much you can do with the heat, especially at work. Now at home I'll just shut the blinds and strip down to my underwear, but when out there, all I can do is sweat and have my clothes sticking to me, ugh, I need a shower. And I don't like the feeling of sickness that heat brings, too much and its nauseating. I'm missing winter already.

Got home after 7pm, showered, ate, just been sitting here at my laptop, partly typing up replies to messages, partly in a daze.

Watched Frozen twice with my 5 year old, who was dressed up as Elsa all day long. 

Actually I had an insane day yesterday, but had today off. So I just lazed around. It was great... wish that could happen more often!

I finally got my Pelican Hardigg Storm IM2050 Case and all my TSA approved locks so I can go on my trip. I was worried for a bit there. Now I shouldn't have any "lock" issues that hold me up. It fits my PK380, a magazine and 50 rounds perfectly.



Then I let a couple of my laptops get some research data compiled:



While my bitches were compiling data (I call them my bitches) I set out to find my cell phone that I misplaced someplace in my house!!! After getting frustrated with myself I decided that I should probably pack my luggage since I am flying out on Tuesday morning. What to bring....what I might want to wear?! Anyway, I got all of that done too!



I then found my cellphone! It was being tricky because it's camouflaged! I cannot really take a picture of it so I have to use a stock photograph, but it's so in trouble!

Quote from: King Malachite on June 20, 2014, 09:15:36 PM
Dressed up as a bunny and danced for a child's birthday party at my job

Still waiting on those pictures Malachite. lol.

Let's see, today I:
- Woke up to a call from Rainbow Brite and was happy to talk with her, even for a short time.
- Threw out a ton of recycling I'd be hoarding in my room.
- Put some of my brother's unwanted clothes in a donation bag.
- Watched an episode of Extreme Cheapskates.
- Played Candy Crush.
- Mowed the lawn.
- Pumped up the tires on my bike in preparation for practicing riding to work tomorrow.
- Showered all the bug spray off.
- Watched some random clips from TV shows.

Truthfully I had other things I needed to accomplish. Should have done them instead of playing CC.

Ran around frantically for about nine hours and then came home to contemplate whether to put my cat to sleep. It has not been a very nice day for me.

Well, I thought I was going to have a relaxing evening, was going to reply to some messages, post what I had done today, but my boss called, told me that one of the cashiers called out, he's alone there, only I picked up (actually my mom did, thought it was her other daughter calling), so was hoping I'd come in so there'd be someone else there with him (no one is allowed to be in the store alone). Ugh, I am so friggin' tired, I did not want to have to go back in, I already worked earlier, I just got off of work and hour and a half ago. Okay, you'll have to fend the store on your own for a little bit, I'll be in before 6. I'm falling behind on HBC anyway, so it'll give me a good jump on getting it done. Plus, more hours, need that money, as mom and I just signed our lease renewal a little while ago right after we got home after she picked me up from work, rent went up quite a bit. Oh, well, I got tomorrow off, and I won't be answering any phones.

I think they should just give me everyone's hours, I'd be worn out but at least I'd be there when I'm supposed to be.

---

Ah hell, too tired to put much. Went back to work for a total of 9 and half hours today, 155 cases worked out total, walking around in a daze by the end of the night, got home, took a shower, helped mom with the laundry, done by midnight. Ate dinner (mish-mash of left overs), eating bowl of ice cream with fruit that I was supposed to have for lunch but wasn't able to, so just finishing up my desert now. Replying to emails and PMs, still having that starry-eyed look but not ready to go to sleep just yet.

Gave my two dogs a bath today. It's funny to see how energetic they get after a refreshing bath

Told myself repeatedly that I should go clean stuff and then told myself "in a bit."

Made pasta for lunched today so my mom would have her stomach filled with something good before she went to work, it was good.

After she left Snickers and I played for a little bit. I attempted another new game with her, Pool. Yeah, one of my wild ideas of converting a sport into something that a dog can get involved in. I cleared the living floor, placed 6 plastic bowls around to represent the pockets. put the 10 tennis balls we have into a tight triangle in the center, but not having any more balls used a orange for the one I'd use to hit all the other ones. The object would be for me to roll this orange (since I didn't have a stick to jab it with, besides, don't want juice all over the place) and try to hit each of the other balls into any of the pockets while my dog tried to stop me (throwing an obstacle or enemy into the standard game to give it that video game like feel). First problem, no boundary walls to keep the balls in the field and no being able to ricochet them. The other, I'm using a damn orange, do I actually expect this to work? The other, my dog, you cannot play pool with a dog dingbat! But I'm open to anything that harmlessly fun, lets give it a shot. So we get started, oops, totally missed hitting anything, damn I suck with my aim! Okay, lets do this, for real this time. Dog intercepted the orange, didn't hit any of the balls, but she ran them over a little and shuffled them around a teeny bit. Working from another direction, approximately where the orange stopped I roll again, and again, ooh, I got one in! But by this point I got myself laughing too much at the absurdity of this whole idea. Okay, this totally doesn't work. It was funny while it lasted.

I tried basketball with my dog before, that didn't work, since for one the basket that I used has a bottom to it so any balls the bounced in also bounced back out again. The other, unless I bounced them, throwing them gave me complete advantage over my dog who wouldn't be able to jump up to catch them before them landing (and bouncing back out) in the basket. The only way she won is because I suck at aiming them in. The other game we played was soccer, the entrance doorway area being the goal, I had to kick the tennis balls into that area with Snickers trying to block me, that actually works fine. But this pool idea totally bonkers. I want to play bowling with her too, will be using water bottles as pins, but need to get some more bottled water to be able to play this game. Anway, I had a good laugh from my game of pool today. 



After that I made a recording showing all of my cross-stitches off, only problem, its almost 2 hours long! Okay, I didn't realize that much time passed, I figured maybe an hour or a little passed. I did way too much talking, voice caught hell near the end. I won't be posting that. But I just needed to see how it'd turn out, maybe I can edit, revise it somehow. Eh, comes out like crap anyway, need a better camera for recording video and something like this needs to be done in sections, not one long ass movie.

Dog needs to go out, better take her for a walk.

Quote from: birkin on June 20, 2014, 11:17:14 PM
Still waiting on those pictures Malachite. lol.

Lol neverrrr!  I did want to take a picture, but my phone was in my pocket and by the time I realized that, I couldn't reach it.



Today I went to work and then drove to church

I came out to my brother, who took the news fairly well.
Parents were watching the World Cup so they sent me off to do laundry.
I started to finally play MapleStory and leveled up two characters.

Yesterday was sunday, and today I pretended that monday is also sunday. I've spent the day almost entirely on the internet. I still have to shower and go run some errands, but afterwards I intend to go back to my pajamas and my computer.

As long as I take care of my kid and my cat and my plants and nothing scary happens, I'm super happy with my situation.

She is playing Animal Crossing: New Leaf. She spent most of her life refusing to use electronics so I don't care if she plays all day. Her knowledge of that and pokemon has fueled the most normal social interactions I've ever seen her manage with other people. Also, as long as she is using her DS she isn't hitting anyone or screaming or eating marbles or whatever.

My cat has been watching the crows outside, and keeping an eye on the neighbors' cats. He's the mayor of the back porch. He's not actually allowed to go out there without me, but still.