I was just wondering whether the new people to the site would like to share their experiences of what made them consider that they might be transgender. I know I told my story before , but honestly it helps me put things in perspective to share with others who have  dealt with the same issues. I've noticed that quite a few new members are visiting the site and it would be interesting to see why they're here on this particular site. Susan's has helped me sort things out quite a lot. Well for me it started when I was 4 years old. I started cross dressing with my older sisters clothes. I found her clothes a lot better then mine and I love to dress up as much as I could at night when I thought everyone was asleep. I also used to sleep in my sisters fancy slips. I'm sure my parents were aware of it  because the slip was off and I don't remember taking it off by morning. I also had a boy friend at 5 or 6. I didn't realize he was a boyfriend until later , but we held hands and I felt very comfortable with him. My parents tried to get me to stop talking to him because I think people saw us holding hands. That approach didn't work though. I continued to cross dress through grade school and high school and college till the present . I totally never fit the male role. I played the game in late high school with parties and dating ,but I was a phony bologna . Half my psyche was trying unsuccessfully be  a guy , the other half was this dark secret of yearning for who I truly was. MY life was basically very painful. I got out of high school and met a bunch of girls at an all girls school who accepted me as a sister ,It's was a very joyous time of my life. I started doing LSD and I stopped the cross dressing ,but always hallucinated about being female. I've always so desired to be a woman. Always thought about the operation. Reached out to psychiatrists and psychologists , but never was able to reveal my true condition until last year when I lost all hope and thought the only way out was the eternal abyss .  I stopped doing LSD and the cross dressing and bi- sex exploded. Aids came along and I went into sexual hibernation . I turned totally towards cross dressing and learning how to be a total woman the best I could. I always dreamed of being on estrogen , but outwardly I was in so much denial of being transgender . Severe conflict between the inside and outside. I totally wish I had the nerve to approach someone early on about getting hormone therapy , but it was such a dark secret I was hiding I wouldn't let it out. It took a stint on suicide watch in a hospital to finally admit to my self I was transgender and there was only one way to continue living and that was to transition. I'm so very great full to the team of doctors the gave me my life back.  I'm kind of writing this maybe in the hope of helping the newcomers with my story and to say there is hope. sorry for the rant if you've heard me tell this before , but honestly it's mostly a selfish motive to talk about it  just to free myself of the pain of the past, Thanks everyone for listening I truly appreciate it.

For me, it was looking back over my life and realizing that I've felt trans related things at different points. My first memory of dysphoria was being around five and being utterly convinced that I was born a girl, but that my parents wanted a boy and just had things... rearranged. As I began to hit puberty, my subconscious sort of... hid my transness from me because honestly, I don't think I would've made it through those years as I was already struggling HARD with sexuality. My mind took care of me in that respect. About a year ago (I was 19), I really began to feel these emotions resurface and I began to dive into them. None of that is to say I still didn't feel trans during the 13-18 period of my life... god knows I was so jealous of cis girls.

The reason I came to Susans is because I wanted to learn more about being trans from other trans people. I wanted to know their narratives so I could see how we relate to each other and learn from other experiences.

There is a lot of similarity amongst us. I was very surprised when I found this out.

I am currently 27.  For as long as I can remember I have felt this way, but never had the courage or self respect to accept it.

My earliest memory as a toddler was going into my cousins room and putting on her girl underwear.  I also cant remember this, but Im told when I was around that age I was caught putting on makeup.

When I was a little bit older, 7 or 8 I saw this documentary (what sex am I?) and I was instantly saying to myself that I want to be like this man who changed into a woman. 

Around that same age I was caught by my cousin wearing her clothing, everyone was out in the pool swimming and she came in to use the bathroom and didn't knock.  She saw me and never said a thing to anyone ever.

I was forced to go to catholic school and I was an altar boy for 6 or so years.  Durring this time growing up in a catholic school, I always felt wrong, I envied the girls and their outfits constantly. 
I was picked on every day by almost everyone, including the girls.  There was a select few who liked me. 

When I went into high school I became a drug dealer and didn't appreciate myself.  I was depressed a lot, smoked cig's and I was emo/goth.  Of course I had really good friends, but for some reason I felt awkward everywhere I went (this has been my whole life) they call it dysphoria. 

Durring high school I had a bunch of female clothing, and I slept in girls cloths almost every night for a couple years. 

I had several denial points where I burned the cloths and said it wasn't possible, I cant do it.

I kept telling myself it was a fettish thing for the longest time, I would do my business and then tell myself ->-bleeped-<- this, im not doing this anymore ... but then a couple hours I would look and see hmm, im still wearing these cloths and it feels pretty good.

I have felt awkward and different for a long time, I hated myself and always just wanted to be loud and high pitched, but was always silenced by my guy friends. 

SO about 2-3 weeks ago I had a break down and I accepted it, I saw a video of this manly looking marine and she transitioned into a astonishing female. 

I have ALWAYS had feminine qualities, soft skin, my face is feminine (I often get told I look just like my mom) (this is why I hid behind a beard for so long).

So I had this breakdown, almost crashed my car and cried for about 5 hours, then realized everything added up to this, be yourself, you know you are a girl because its all your thinking about all day (" I wish I was her, I wish I could trade body's with her, she is gorgeous, I love that makeup")

Once I accepted it and made my new facebook I felt empowered and haven't felt this kind of happiness ever, I MEAN EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I reached out and called a therapist, she told me if I go every week I she can write me a letter as soon as possible, she also knows all the doctors I will need to consult because she has delt with the trans community for over 20 years. 

O yeah, every girlfriend I've ever had was Bi-sexual, or is now gay.  Not sure if that means anything.  My first love was Bi-sexual, and she called me out one day and asked if I was wanting to be female, I never answered her but DAMN.. when I look back thats crazy.

congrats. yea I had a girl friend once that told me I should of been a girl, but I didn't quite understand at the time what she meant.

Quote from: stephaniec on June 22, 2014, 03:38:56 PM
congrats. yea I had a girl friend once that told me I should of been a girl, but I didn't quite understand at the time what she meant.

Thanks, yeah its weird when you connect with someone and they can really see who you are.

I had a resident in the rehab I manage who's trans. While researching it to serve him better I kept seeing things that apply to me.

Since then I'm remembering more and more, even recent things that just didn't click. For example I play an MMO and have about 30 characters. Only two are male. So. When I told one of my online friends who has never interacted with me other than by text that I think I'm trans she asked me why I thought I was male inside.

BTW. My avatar is one of my characters, Polly Phoenix.

Quote from: Dee Walker on June 22, 2014, 03:50:25 PM
I had a resident in the rehab I manage who's trans. While researching it to serve him better I kept seeing things that apply to me.

Since then I'm remembering more and more, even recent things that just didn't click. For example I play an MMO and have about 30 characters. Only two are male. So. When I told one of my online friends who has never interacted with me other than by text that I think I'm trans she asked me why I thought I was male inside.

BTW. My avatar is one of my characters, Polly Phoenix.

that's quite interesting

My earliest childhood memories about age 3 are of wanting to tag along with the girls, not feeling in my place with boys, dreams of being a girl... This went along forever since I can remember. I had bunchs of female friends and little male friends and the girls would use female pronouns on me all the time though I never paid much attention to it until recently. Everytime I saw something about sex change on TV or the press I was extremely fascinated by it yet in deep denial.

I can definitely relate to the being female bodied hallucinations on LSD, those were really nice and happy. I did not do much xdressing except at uni, I spent one full year full time out except during classes, had a bunch of friends and people who knew me only as a girl. Before getting a stable relationship, a job and a flat, I thought having these things would somehow mean the end of this "stage" (silly me LOL), but now I see after getting them, that there was only one way out, so here I am. Years before I came out to anyone or even myself, my GF would every so and so ask me, if I did not want to be a girl? If I did not wish I was born female? Am pleasantly surprised for all of us that many of you had a mirror experience of this kind with the GF asking stuff and connecting on a deeper level.

It seems there's a lot of similarities in experiences.

With having older sisters I remember wearing pink nail varnish, and the infant school saying something to mum. Trying to put on knee high boots and being yanked away by my father. Fairly constant fantasising about being a girl when I was a teenager. Various comments through my life like "you'd have made a good woman" and a few "misgenderings" as a female, even when in make mode. Most of all the constant nagging away in my mind about what's really going on and a complete inability to wish or think it away, leading to spirals of depression until- enough!

It's not a easy decision to make about who you really are, but I think I'm getting there.


Ros

Quote from: rosinstraya on June 22, 2014, 05:03:04 PM
It seems there's a lot of similarities in experiences.

With having older sisters I remember wearing pink nail varnish, and the infant school saying something to mum. Trying to put on knee high boots and being yanked away by my father. Fairly constant fantasising about being a girl when I was a teenager. Various comments through my life like "you'd have made a good woman" and a few "misgenderings" as a female, even when in make mode. Most of all the constant nagging away in my mind about what's really going on and a complete inability to wish or think it away, leading to spirals of depression until- enough!

It's not a easy decision to make about who you really are, but I think I'm getting there.


Ros

I can vouch for that , it's extremely difficult

I have an old video that covers that to a degree

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CB4QtwIwAQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fm.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DQ3ALYHqaZUY&rct=j&q=xjulieb1x&ei=oVunU8aLEqGm0QXSmIGADQ&usg=AFQjCNEAFBaSy4Q09Blgi82luqta7rzPdQ&bvm=bv.69411363,d.d2k

Xx

As a pre-everything soon-to-be-transitioner, I'd just like to share my feelings in this thread for younger transitioners like me who might relate to it or have similar situations

I remember one time I felt like asking my father if I was born a girl or a hermaphrodite, and if he chose me to be a male. This was before I knew what ->-bleeped-<- was. I thought that there had to be some reason or justification for why I detested being biologically male so much. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't ask, because it would have been an awkward and embarrassing situation.

Quote from: Chic on June 22, 2014, 06:56:08 PM
As a pre-everything soon-to-be-transitioner, I'd just like to share my feelings in this thread for younger transitioners like me who might relate to it or have similar situations

I remember one time I felt like asking my father if I was born a girl or a hermaphrodite, and if he chose me to be a male. This was before I knew what ->-bleeped-<- was. I thought that there had to be some reason or justification for why I detested being biologically male so much. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't ask, because it would have been an awkward and embarrassing situation.

I was way to introverted as a child to ever bring anything like this up. I was always afraid my parents would ask me about my cross dressing, they never did though

I first came here a few years ago (with an old user name) mostly to figure things out. Since childhood I had been dreaming about being reborn, but as a girl. And as the years passed I started feeling more strongly that I was unfairly locked out of the "women's club". So I had to realize that no, not everyone feels this way, and no, this is not a 30 year long phase I'm going through. So I came here to learn more about the trans spectrum and where I fit in. And after reading posts here for a year or two, I was sure that transsexualism applied to me, so I worked up the courage to seek out the local gender identity team.

And now, a year after I changed my name and started treatment, I stay to offer my story and perspective to those who come here with the same questions I did, and to see how things are going for those who are at the same part of the journey as me, and those who have come even further.

When I decided to physically transition, that was when I had made up my mind after... at least 16 years of going back and forth from what was preferred, in my family, to what I 'selfishly' wanted for myself. The idea of being transgender was scary beyond belief for me. That was mostly because I didn't know much of the term, for I only saw snippets on television, and how society diagnosed transgender men and women. I was twelve when I was fully aware that someone could actually transition from a genetically male body, to female, but by that time I still didn't accept that I was 'in-waiting'.

I've had periods of wanting to physically become a woman, to thinking about how that would affect my present and future relationships (with family and friends), and then deterring from the transition path altogether-- dysphoria doesn't just leave, though, and I found that out when I was reaching 18. I was in angst at that point, hating myself, metaphorically steaming and spitting fire at my face in the mirror. I just loathed me, altogether. I couldn't brush it off as a phase any longer, otherwise I think I'd hate myself even more, and I'd just be a wreck to myself and everyone close to me.

I'm still in a limbo period, but I've recognized that I'm mentally prepared now, more than I would be if I were as bold I am now, only younger. Granted I'm 20 (Just turned 20 this month), but I feel like I need to act as soon as possible so I can truly be happy, and not just a happiness of optimism and hope for the future. I want to feel happy for the -now-.

Essentially I always knew I wanted to be a female, but I didn't know how to exactly achieve that until, basically, a year ago.

I've had the feeling of wanting to be a girl all of my life. But with all of the denial and fear it's never been as strong as last year in May. That's when the pressure of life boiled over. I wasn't happy any more and I had to find out what was behind that door in my mind. I wanted to be before risking the wonderful life that I had.

And thanks to Susan's and my therapist I am sure that I am on the right path now. Aside from my divorce I am happier and more productive as a person. My friends are helping me to survive. My mother, while having some trouble dealing with whole female pronoun thing, is very accepting. And the changes in my body aren't scaring the ever living crap out of me thanks to everyone who shares their experiences here.

Thank you. Thank you all for sharing.

Girl forever, never had any need to be a boy, dressed as a girl for as long as I can remember, then I hit the real world of work etc, my mum threw me out at 13, made my way as best I could, scary, and often painful, but I was me. Then I managed to get into a hostel, still a girl. Then I was told in no uncertain terms, that if I wanted to get on that that had to stop. So I did stop and the depression that followed was so dark, cried all of the time, lived in a very dark place for years. Coming to Susan's and my Gothic friends made all things possible. And I thank you all for helping me get to where I am now. Nobody will ever tell me again to be what I am not, you have all made this happen, you all gave me strength and hope again and you saved me from the hell I lived in.

Love and hugs


Jayne & Ian ( My fiancé)

xxxxxxx

Quote from: JayneS on June 23, 2014, 09:35:18 AM
Girl forever, never had any need to be a boy, dressed as a girl for as long as I can remember, then I hit the real world of work etc, my mum threw me out at 13, made my way as best I could, scary, and often painful, but I was me. Then I managed to get into a hostel, still a girl. Then I was told in no uncertain terms, that if I wanted to get on that that had to stop. So I did stop and the depression that followed was so dark, cried all of the time, lived in a very dark place for years. Coming to Susan's and my Gothic friends made all things possible. And I thank you all for helping me get to where I am now. Nobody will ever tell me again to be what I am not, you have all made this happen, you all gave me strength and hope again and you saved me from the hell I lived in.

Love and hugs


Jayne & Ian ( My fiancé)

xxxxxxx

good for you a survivor and a happy camper

I think I always knew that i was a girl. When I was young I loved playing with the girls, and if we played house I always wanted to be the mommy. I was always jealous to see the girls dressed up in their dresses. Teenage years saw me jealous of the girls as they started to development breasts. at the age of 14.. i tried on pantyhose for the first time, i remember seeing my moms black pantyhose (still my favorite color today) in the hamper... and i got this urge to put them on, just like the girls at school. Before I knew it.. I had them on... I loved the feeling and was sad when it was time to take them off. This quickly became a habit. I started buying own pantyhose in various colors.. I got a cheerleader skirt when I was about 16 or 17 and panty followed sometime after that.

At the age of 19 a something terrible at time, but turned out amazing happened. I was caught in my cheerleader skirt by a female friend.. I was studying in it, as she kinda worked in on me. We were close, so I spoke with her and she understood. She supported me fully and she helped me a few weeks later dress fully. She worked at a thrift store at the time. She organized the outfit.

I wore a blue dress, black pantyhose. That night was the first time I shaved my legs, wore makeup, wore a bra, painted my nails and wore heels. It felt amazing and right... she had no issues with me dressed up in front of her.. I dressed often and the outfits grew and like the pantyhose it became a habit and i accepted that I was a cross dresser, i even got my ears pierced later on. She encouraged me to seek therapy and on my 21st birthday I started HRT.This female friend who now is my roommate was there for SRS 3 years later. She painted my nails (hands and toes) pink to welcome me to womanhood for the hospital stay.

My roommate helped and taught me to be a woman. She taught me how to apply makeup, match outfits and how to walk in heels. The most difficult thing once i accepted myself.. was learning to sit like a lady.. ladies don't sit with there legs open. Now its second nature.