Hey there I'm Gael a ftm ginger about to go off into the wide world of college! I might have happened to choose a college in the list of top 10 lgbt unfriendly schools, but i figured Houston and Austin are somewhat close to Texas A&M, and both have specific transgender rights which is uncommon in the southern US... What could possibly go wrong! I have been dysphoric about my chest area in particular since 7th grade when my mom informed me that i gotta start wearing girls clothes and no more of that unisex tee nonsense. And thus i began my grunge style phase that lasted much longer than anyone else. I've always been tagged a guy, and it really bugged my mom but when i started high school i found i didn't mind it, thinking it some kind of accomplishment, and had a game going for how many times i could be seen as a guy per day, changing my mannerisms and hair before i even knew there was a difference between sex and gender. My mom was bugged but i refused to take off my hoodies or cross my legs right or wear dresses. But it wasn't even until the summer before 11th grade i found out about the world of LGBTQIA and i tagged down my asexuality, my romanticism for girls, and started actually tackling my gender. It took a year and a half to actually decide it was ok to be transgender. I went by as genderqueer during that time, because i knew i wanted to crossdress and just be a man, but i couldn't let go of the idea i might still like to wear cute clothing, use the womens room, whatever. One year passed and i realized that i would find men hella attractive but not in any particular way other than "ohh damn son i need those clothes and that hair" but never batted an eye at the girls side so... I decided to try and go full transgender. i bought a few shirts, neglecting to buy ones that truly fitted, and loved it. i faced some judgement at home but whatever. I even tried to wear a "normal" girl outfit throughout the end of summer just to make sure i hated it. I did. Middle of the school year rolled around and i bought my first binder, quickly discovered it was ->-bleeped-<- but i liked the concept, and bought a good Underworks binder, then bought pants and more shirts and sweaters, too much plaid, and not enough good fitting clothes, again. But it was awesome. At this point i was involved in the school play and everyone loved it and sensed that it was much more me and actually started talking to me since i was a lot more confident and conscious about how i presented myself. Made plenty of friends and even got the teachers using proper pronouns for me by the end of production, just in time to be a senior and leave. :\ Told my mom, she wasn't thrilled, and we didn't speak a word about it for half a year after she made it incredibly clear that she would never buy me any mens products and i was on my own on that front. Not exactly supportive. But I was happier and happier by the day, and i look back now a little later with myself fully out socially and i am loving it, don't think i have made a wrong decision when i look back and see just how much discomfort i have when acting like a girl.
My mom and i spoke on it again a few weeks ago and i cried due to the fact she talked a lot about maybe not understanding but that she still loves me and a bunch of gooey junk. She still wont buy me clothes or use pronouns, though. My dad is still in the dark, and i am scared to tell him. That alone is stressful, but my family is moving from northwest arkansas to the dallas texas area and im starting college, and it's pretty high stress in my head right now. I've never seen a counsellor or psychologist about my gender issues, mostly because my mom decided that it'd be easier just to wait till i got down to college station. I've gotten through it pretty well, after i had a very large breakdown/relapse when i was right on the cusp of coming out socially and was unsure that my feelings were valid enough to count myself as trans. I was very VERY worried i wasn't dysphoric enough. I think im over that silly notion now but it caused a lot of drama in the high-stress play production time. I'm so excited to see one when i move though.
I've come to notice through experience and copious amounts of internet research that each stage of transitioning has it's specific issues. If you happen to want to help me out I'm having some troubles that i could use some guidance on, and i made an account here to help out and be helped out, so yeah. I'm pretty scared about college. I don't have many panic attacks anymore but im totally having one a week because of it. Most kids are pretty nervous but i guess im not gonna be most kids, so im terrified. But i know that I'll take it all in stride, have a hella rad time, meet rockin' people, and hopefully find out what im good at in life. I hope it's archery. I really hope i love archery. Uhh, thanks for readng this i guess. It was more for me than for you, but i guess im grateful that someone other than my best friend cares ^^ She has just been the biggest grounding factor, and her love is pretty warm despite the fact she lives two hours away. We FaceTime a lot. Multiple hours a day usually. Wow i love her a lot. i think i have a crush on my best friend. I'm asexual to my knowledge. Is this what it's like? You don't know me, don't answer that.
