My spouse and I are really struggling; we spent a week apart after we had an argument and my SO had a major meltdown, and have since lost two people from our lives who called themselves our best friends. When I am calm and centered I can tell myself that the clothes, the makeup, the hair removal, the sisterhood---it's all an experiment. SO says (claims, suggests) that he is questioning, but every time he makes a decision to change his appearance more feminine, I doubt that there actually is a question. Last night, he decided to remove all of his arm hair. I don't know why that upset me so much, it's just hair...except that he can't wash this off or put it on a hanger or set it aside or cover it with a hat. I'm not in any denial that this is happening, or that I have any control over it, but this all feels like it is becoming so much more permanent. He gets mad at me that I'm sad and that I get angry that he's making these choices and decisions and having conversations about being a woman with his "sisters" and I all I can do is sit around and wait. He said the other day, 'There's a good chance I'll decide not to transition' but I'm not sure that I can bank on that. He says that I'm just looking for a way out of this marriage, which is not true. If I wanted a divorce, I would have filed for one by now. I love him. He can't understand that I'm not able to flow between gender identity, and that I am heartbroken. I don't think that there is much more time left of him actually being a he; I'm pretty sure that by the time the summer is over, so  will the persona of "husband".

There is still the possibility that the line is just being pushed and experimentation is taking place. I will say though that once I started to feminize it was like a drug and I had to have more and more to be happy. Your situation could go either way right now as for your SO. My personal feeling just based on what you wrote is the euphoria is feeding your SO and I feel a more permanent transition is around the corner. I know that is not what you want to hear, but I think mentally you feel this as well. I can't really say what you should do at this point as it is all in your hands. I wish you the best and hope you two can stay together somehow. 

Well, I can put myself in your shoes. I would find the back and forth very unfair. I know personally if I was with a girl and she told me she was, in fact, a guy, it'd be over. So if she was like "yeah I'm going to be your girlfriend and not transition" one day and "hey I'm growing out my armpit hair and going out with my boys and wearing a packer" I'd be thinking, well which one is it? How do I treat you, like a girl or a guy? Do you want my hands on the lump in your pants or on the lumps in your shirt? lol.

It sounds to me like they're either in really big denial, or are trying to take it slow because they are afraid to lose you. But that isn't fair to you...you deserve to know what's going on, and have them be entirely open with you, so you can decide how you want to proceed.

Quote from: birkin on June 26, 2014, 05:14:01 PM
But that isn't fair to you...you deserve to know what's going on

I agree with my brother on this one. your SO needs to lay out the intentions and goals for you immediately. 

I guess I'm in denial that my ultimate dream is about to come true: a twice-divorced, almost 40 woman who lives alone in a house with a whole bunch of cats.

Quote from: Katrinka on June 26, 2014, 06:31:24 PM
I guess I'm in denial that my ultimate dream is about to come true: a twice-divorced, almost 40 woman who lives alone in a house with a whole bunch of cats.

I am there myself. They are easier to feed and clean up after though!

Not trying in any way to make light of your situation because I do feel for you though, OK? If you ever need a shoulder just Pm me anytime. I do understand if you don't want advice from a MtF though with your current situation. Just thinking maybe I could answer some questions for you your SO won't to maybe help you feel better and know it was not you that ended the relationship if indeed it does. I am sorry you are in this position.

To be absolutely fair, it might not be apparent exactly to this person who is questioning their gender where the line is going to stop. I know I thought, at one point perhaps I could just placate these feelings. I really genuinely believed that I could just find some way to appease how I felt, and at the same time not make an significant waves in my life.... Looking back on it, I know I was dead wrong, but I didn't have any inclination that I was wrong.

So, to the OP, your spouse may well just need to experiment a bit, or may need to go all the way down that road in order to be happy, but that doesn't mean your spouse is being purposefully dishonest if your spouse does have to take that route, it may be your spouse doesn't have a firm grasp of their own feelings on it.

perhaps I am reading a bit too much into this, but it seems to me, that already your spouses level of femininity has crossed the threshold that you can deal with, regardless of the ultimate goals it seems like something should be done to address this. I don't see it as fair to keep stringing you along, if you are already past the point which you can handle, perhaps a long talk with your spouse and a therapist could help get all of the issues out into the open and then if once you make it clear you are not comfortable with this and your spouse cannot be comfortable without exploring their gender then perhaps it would be wise to part rather than draw it out and make the situation worse....

Katrinka

I have a different view on what is happening or may be happening with your SO as I have been on a similar journey ie unsure but inexorably progressing through the transition check list.  My wife like you asked for a definite endpoint and I really didn't know where that would be.  After many small steps I recognized my identity as non binary and that for me a full mtf transition was not an appropriate destination

Fortunately my wife still has her husband.  Hair may be longer, facial hair removed, minimal body hair, mild ffs and a more androgynous presentation but she says that I am still the person she married, but a happier more empathetic and expressive version!

My take on this is that couple therapy or relationship consulting may be invaluable.  Communicating fears and dreams is not something that many genetic males are naturally adept at.  Anything which promotes communication and relationship is likely to be extremely useful during this stage of your relationship

I don't think this needs to be as stressful as you are finding it to be.  Authentic, timely conversation and connection is critical

Safe travels

Aisle

Katrina,

Aisla's post may be very pertinent to your situation.  There is a very good thread going in the non-binary section.  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,167687.0.html

It's about what many of us think, feel, and wish to express, particularly in the light of a desire to not go through a binary transition.  Please read through that and perhaps our collective experience may give you some insight in your SO's thoughts and feelings.

Keep listening, and then take care in your communication, the two of you can find a way through this yet!

Luna

Kat, looks like we're in the same place again this week. After 2 very trying, painful weeks we sit at the impasse of we want to go on together, but we are both at a loss of how to move forward without hurt.

My husband too has said that he is quite certain that he won't be transitioning to the point of surgery but is fully on for hormones. These couple of weeks found me facing finals and pms'ing while trying to deal with his contemplations. Yup, the weeks were disastrous. A fair bit of it is just relationship stuff, but it's the nagging question that eats at us SO's of those who are in the midst of starting the transition process that ate me alive: where/when will this end? The uncertainty and rapidity of change is what gets us.

I spent this time angry, resentful, and cruel. I said exactly how I felt with no filter and I hurt him. Maybe it was that I was feeling really hurt and wanted him to feel the same. A short chat last night to sort of test the waters and some compromises were offered up. I think that I can live with them but I don't know if he can. He made the offer and set the limits himself, but I feel like no matter what I do, I lose.

If I agree to these limits, does it make me a selfish bitch to essentially make him do this? Are we utterly crazy to think we're going to make it through when each step he takes that makes him happy makes me equally sad?

Doing the best I can to be as supportive as I am able to right now just doesn't seem like it will be enough. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I do. Each change he makes like growing out the hair, removing the body hair, plucking eye brows, etc are markers of increasingly reflecting the image he has inside, but it kills off the little bits that I recognize and associate with my husband.

You know, if he chose to just go all the way, yeah, my choices would be clearer. They would make sense and maybe there would be less internal and external sources of judgement.

For the last couple of days I have been trying to do a few things to maybe help myself through this. Firstly, a change in perspective, maybe I should think about the things I get to keep and the things I gain rather than what I lose. New attitude is next, face it down: say what you mean and mean what you say. Despite the fact that my husband sometimes wants to be feminine, his thought patterns do not follow mine. Look at the big picture: there are a lot of people with bigger problems than this. I don't wish this on my worst enemy, but at least my life is survivable.

Kat, if your two best friends couldn't support either of you when you need them most, then it's time to look for others who will. I'm lucky, my best friend and her husband are a little unorthodox and it works to my advantage here. I wish you great luck in finding one such friend. She's been invaluable to my survival.

Sorry, wall of text, hope your weekend is good.