Quote from: riversong on June 28, 2014, 06:48:57 AM
I'm dealing with so many emotions right now and it all makes me feel so helpless. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even good enough to transition 
The one thing that I'm feeling is that I want HRT so badly. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and see a monstrosity. Some days (like this), I wonder if hormones will ever make me look like a woman. I'm 24, and everything I've ever read seems to indicate that the effects of hormones drop significantly from 18-30, meaning every second I'm not on hormones counts I wish I could just get on HRT already, so I can just stop worrying about it and stop wondering, but it'll most likely be another 2 months before I see an endo.
On the other hand I feel regretful that I didn't get HRT earlier, because if I had my life would be infinitely better than it is now, and I wouldn't look so horrible. It makes me feel almost like I deserve this. Like I should have transitioned when I was younger, and this is what I get for waiting until I'm friggin' 24 to work up the courage to finally transition. I really just hate myself so much for waiting so long to transition, and I hate what I've become because of it I want to just move on and live the rest of my life as the girl that I know that I am, but because of how long I've waited, I worry that I may never even look like a woman.
I just want to curl into a fetal position and cry
Had to look back at your pictures, studied them from a little bit. Tried to imagine softening up those hard male features (nothing drastic, I always stick with what would be realistic, dramatic can happen but call that a pleasant surprise if it does), added make-up to that face, different hair style and clothes to you (oh, and a pretty smile, very important), again in my mind (my artistic skill are limited), hmm...I think you'll be fine. You're still young, younger than I was when I started. Edges are a little harder, but then you're also not smiling, but there are plenty of cis-gender women out there with just as hard of features, and still they look fine. I know you're both worried and impatient but given time on the hormones--again, lots of waiting once on them, they take a while to see results as they are very gradual--you'll be fine. But also this'll depends on you, how you'll perceive yourself. If being a woman is right for you you'll feel so much better emotionally, the body changes will come in time, and if they don't completely live up to your expectations, well then that's what surgeries are for. When the times comes that you are finally on them, don't expect miracles, just be you.
One thing I wish I could do, go back and tell myself not to exercise so hard (too many push-ups) or take on hard manual jobs (construction laborer, stocker), and back when I was in school, not carry that over-filled backpack with every class textbook around everywhere (get a locker), all this that bulked my shoulders up so much (they aren't that big, but for me they are), I'd have been much smaller up top than I am now. But, can't turn back time (not yet
). But you know what, that's what's nice about the hormones, they put me in a better state of mind, while off of them I was a train wreck about to happen, every day looking at myself just as you are, seeing only flaws even probably making up some just because I didn't feel right with myself, but now back on them, I feel more at peace with me, those flaws are still there, after all again just started back on the hormones so got to wait a bit for positive bodily changes again, but I'm not crying and falling apart over looking at them. I went from seeing a man to seeing me.
Try not to get discouraged, I say
try not to because I know that you will, just as I had more than a few times in my life (such as my recent past two months), because one that has been through it can't realistically say, don't get discouraged, I know better than that. Hang on a little longer. And remember what I said about realistic, when you get on those hormones, you will not see immediate results, nor once they do start to show, don't let it disappoint you to sadness that they aren't dramatic, but if they put your mind in the right place you'll see yourself for who you really are. I think hormones, even though they play a nice part in physical changes are mostly mental, yeah, they rule everything about how you feel. Right now, being that you haven't been on hormones yet, its all about preparation, get yourself ready. Hope you feel better soon riversong.
By the way, how's the voice thing coming along?
