this week my cousin is having a birthday party. My parents told me to cut off my hair because I look like a jackass. They told me not to embarrass the little birthday girl.

I cut my hair off like they told me to with the hair clipper today and I feel absolutely horrible. They bother me about my hair for a long time and told me that I look stupid. There have been many times where I cut my hair off after growing it for nine to eighteen months. I cut my hair off again and again for them. By now my hair would have been as long as any other girl. its ->-bleeped-<-ing hard to grow you hair out with ignorant people around.

age 5: cried when they cut my hair, age 5 to 12: had short hair. I hate when people joke about me having short hair. It hurts. age:13 grow my hair for months then cut it because people bother me. Then I grew my hair out again at age 18 and cut. Then I cut my hair again today. Am extremely jealous of many girls.

After I cut my hair off, my sister, mom would say how good I look. I would give them no response. I wish they would go bald to know how I feel like. Unfortunately, my hair has thin out just a little bit, but its not noticeable. This is only one out of a thousand problems I have living life as a transsexual. I wish I can die. I really hate to being a transsexual.

There are some days I wish that I can get caught up in a situation where someone kill me on purpose or by accident. Am afraid of pain, but am not afraid to die and never see anyone ever again.

P.S killing yourself is not selfish, people who keep you alive for their happiness are selfish. My belief.

One final note. I am not planning on killing myself but I do feel suicidal.

Have you sought any kind of treatment? Sounds like your dysphoria is pretty advanced, I would seek help asap.

Are you out to your family? Seems like probably not?

I know parents in general can be a hassle sometimes, let alone especially if you're transgender.  Just please know living with them is not a permanent thing, ending your life however is.  Youre right, living only for other's happiness is never a good thing, but in the case of parents sometimes it is necessary.  I know it's hard, but try to view your current situation as only a temporary endeavor. 

Please consider seeking the consultation of a therapist or somebody you know you can trust.  But keep in mind, were all here for you and you come talk to us if nothing else right now.  Over the past few years when I was having some pretty bad dysphoria and didn't knowmwho to talk to, I came to Susans and just read.  People here are heroes and don't even know it sometimes. 

I came out to my mom when I was nineteen. am turning twenty-two next month. The second person I came out to was a therapist who work with transsexual with no experience, but was aqcuinted with a gender therapist. I do not see him anymore because I have no money.

Am seeing another therapist in my regular clinic for general depression. I been seeing him for a while, but I still do not feel good. I still have suicidal thoughts. I told him to take it away because it hurts, but he is useless. I feel very depress.

People that I came out to from first to last: mom, person aquinted with gender therapist, older brother, older sister, younger sister, younger brother, stepdad, doctor, general therapist. I have no friends , even when I was young, so the problem solves itself. The last people who do not know about me are my cousins or any other relatives.

I don't care if they known me as a boy for nineteen years. I am not going to wait twenty/plus years for them to accept me.

As for my general therapist, he is useless. This is his ideal of how to go about handling my suicidal thoughts and depression: Anti-depressants - I said ->-bleeped-<- no. Then he said you think black and white, but there are grey areas in life you need to recognize. Nothing is completely bad or good.

Am going to say this once and only once. If this is the only type of therapy for my depression I get to get rid of the suicidal thoughts in my mind am definitely going to die in the future. Not now, but am pretty somewhere in the future it will happen.

General therapist - life is what you make of it
me - inside my head I said the other way around is true. Life make you happy or sad. There are factors in life that are not controllable.

Am not going to be happy just because.

If life takes a huge dump on you (poop) because of who you are then I will think of every option to escape. Death being one of them. I did talk about suicide with him

Quote from: hardlife on June 28, 2014, 07:13:49 PM
I came out to my mom when I was nineteen. am turning twenty-two next month. The second person I came out to was a therapist who work with transsexual with no experience, but was aqcuinted with a gender therapist. I do not see him anymore because I have no money.

Am seeing another therapist in my regular clinic for general depression. I been seeing him for a while, but I still do not feel good. I still have suicidal thoughts. I told him to take it away because it hurts, but he is useless. I feel very depress.

People that I came out to from first to last: mom, person aquinted with gender therapist, older brother, older sister, younger sister, younger brother, stepdad, doctor, general therapist. I have no friends , even when I was young, so the problem solves itself. The last people who do not know about me are my cousins or any other relatives.

I don't care if they known me as a boy for nineteen years. I am not going to wait twenty/plus years for them to accept me.

As for my general therapist, he is useless. This is his ideal of how to go about handling my suicidal thoughts and depression: Anti-depressants - I said <not allowed> no. Then he said you think black and white, but there are grey areas in life you need to recognize. Nothing is completely bad or good.

Am going to say this once and only once. If this is the only type of therapy for my depression I get to get rid of the suicidal thoughts in my mind am definitely going to die in the future. Not now, but am pretty somewhere in the future it will happen.

At 22 yrs of age if someone didn't like my hair, well.... that definately is their problem. Really, they do know where thay can go. I am in my forties and my hair is about a third of the way down my back. Family, friends and people on the street don't like it well...

I hate to be the one to say this but hardlife, you own your life. At 22, your sister, brother, mom or dad really have no right to tell you what kind of hairstyle to have or what to wear. When I was younger I could hear my mom and dad talking about a haircut and after a day or two looking for me they gave up and just let me grow it long. I was maybe ten at the time?

Really though, give the antidepressants a chance. Some work and some don't so have patience but there is no reason for the "S" word when you have the choice. There are options other than that. And life is really worth living and even better yet when you live it on your own terms.

i know i'm going to sound like a walking contradiction, a massive hypocrite, or a down right lunatic trying to preach for that just not me, but take it from me, death isnt an end to suffering. i died twice believe it or not both from suicide and frankly, i'm stunned i even survived due to the severity of what was done, but living offers more freedom and more peace of mind. we fight, we struggle but in doing so we gain freedom from accomplishing the impossible. i know your pain, for i'm fighting the same battle with parents, peers, and even myself. though dysphoria can break even the strongest of minds, hearts and spirits, it also allows up to take hold of our own lives and make a choice on whether we want to forge our own fates or let fate control us. your at a cross road and its time to choose which path you want to take. i can say all of us here will support whatever you decide. i said this before, you must turn and face forward, dont give an inch, dont stop moving for if you do, you will age and if you let fear control you, well, i will not say more. i dont like losing people especially those i consider family. continue to talk with your therapist, continue to work throw your suffering even if they dont understand for at the end, you will not only gain freedom but you will gain that sense of pride, accomplishment and self worth. make life what you want it to be and dont be bound by any limitations. life right now is testing your resolve, now show life that you have what it takes to be happy and that you will not be broken. i apologize if i phrased this wrong so plz forgive me. i'm no good at the encouragement thing but i do try

 I guess suicide isn't the best answer to fix my problems.

Still, I feel very trap and have no idea on how to go about fixing my problems. Am been going to therapy for four months, but I feel no different then before.

Maybe I should talk to my therapist about this and see where we go from there.

As for the anti-depressants, I do not want to take drugs due to personal reasons. If I have a problem I rather talk about it rather then take drugs. I have nothing against anti-depressants or people who use them, but for me I do not want the temporary solution. I want the permanent solution.

I want to fix some of my life problems: social life - never had friends, depression, anxiety, bullied, what career to pick, family problems, no job, discrimination, etc...

Well, I guess we'll see what happens in a few years when I get older.

Its very nice to talk to people on Susan forum. It feels like I have not had contact with people in ages. I probably talk more on this forum then I do in entire month.

Part of being human is being able to communicate with someone else and be part of a community. Its too bad that I do not have a social life. Whenever I look at my siblings, cousins, parents, and their friends, it feels like they have a community. I want people to hang out with and have a close personal connection like they do.

Hardlife, I am sorry you have to deal with this alone, hugs.

Is there a LGBT center near you? If so contact them and ask if they know of a gender therapist or LGBT primary care that work on a sliding scale (pay as you can).

You are young and have opportunity but you need to work for it and plan what you want to do, then do it.

Your hair will grow back ( I say that and 2 weeks ago I had a hair issue too and I cried for hours).

I was suicidal and tried several times. The last two times were different and were impulsive and not planned. I set things in motion but somehow I am here and I am very glad I am. After the second recent (1.5 years ago) attempt, the next day I made an appointment for an intake at a LGBT primary care. I got help or I helped myself. Point is why did I delay to the point of suicide? I look back now know I can do what I need to do and not get to the point of no return.

I understand about friends too. I isolated myself for 7 years. I wasted a lot of time not knowing what to do and caused myself a lot of pain in the process. I beat myself up and hated myself for non-action.

If I had access to antidepressants when young I would take them. My gender therapist said I suffer from long term depression and I will review it with my PA next visit.

well, to go against the grain , I understand your feeling of antidepressants to me they just camouflage your problems . I myself stopped taking them for that reason. They do help people , but it wasn't for me . I wanted to get at the problem and solve it . Suicide has been my companion for a very long time . I never did it because there was always a glimmer of hope in front of me plus I had the help from god. Your so young there is a lot of hope you just need to take charge and go after what you want it's very possible. as far as the therapist goes it's your health . You need to tell them the problem you need solved  and get it solved or search for a more educated therapist.

Quote from: hardlife on June 28, 2014, 07:13:49 PM
...
Am seeing another therapist in my regular clinic for general depression. I been seeing him for a while, but I still do not feel good. I still have suicidal thoughts. I told him to take it away because it hurts, but he is useless. I feel very depress.
...
I don't care if they known me as a boy for nineteen years. I am not going to wait twenty/plus years for them to accept me.
...

Hardlife,

     What were you meaning when you said "...to take it away..."?

Sometimes people never accept you, and that's something only they can change, not you. It can be especially difficult when family refuses to accept you, because you grow up thinking they are the ones who will always be there, who will always accept you for you, no matter what. However, we so often find out that they are not there for us, and maybe they never will be. That in itself can be devastating.


Antidepressants - They have their place in certain cases, such as psychotic depression, but I think those cases really are rather rare. However, there are powers that bombard us day and night with advertising to convince us to believe differently. IF you EVER decide to try an antidepressant, and I'm not advocating that you do, know that SSRIs have a particular history of hidden dangers, and I can assure you that much of what is known about SSRIs is kept concealed from the public.

If you would like to read just a smidgen of the horrors that can happen on SSRI antidepressants, go to the website, SSRIStories.com.

I've not perused the website since it was redesigned, but it has a wealth of information. What seems to be a common denominator is that many SSRI horror stories occur within a few weeks of beginning 'treatment'.

IF you EVER decide to try an antidepressant, at least try one of the old standard anti-depressants, and do NOT try an SSRI. SSRIs have been shown in study after study to be no more affective for treating depression, on average, than a daily exercise routine and cognitive therapy.

Also, remember that SSRIs are addictive, now cleverly termed "Discontinuation Syndrome," and some people have reported that they could not stop taking them after they had been on them awhile.

Also, know that abrupt cessation of an SSRI, instead of tapering off slowly, can (and probably will) result in an over production of brain serotonin, resulting in serotonin toxicity, which results in damage to the brain neurons. If you think your problems are the worst thing that could ever happen to you, just talk to someone who has had this happen to them.


Now, back to your problem... What do you think your biggest problem is; the thing or things that make you the most unhappy?