Quote from: campenella on June 30, 2014, 05:38:44 PM
I usually didn't enjoy it if one of my friends or someone I was interested in romantically tried to 'fix' me by making me tell them my deepest things because in all honesty it didn't help me feel any better. It made me feel weird that someone would try to fix things for me, or it felt like they wanted the info for themselves. Being in highschool made me very protective of information about my own feelings. I also didn't like people diagnosing me even if I did have negative self feelings. It felt really accusatory,someone else knew stuff that I was just trying to figure out and I thought it made me look bad in their eyes because they can't stop thinking of the negative things I pointed out about myself.

Just being able to have someone subtly say things after I say something self depricating like 'Well I think you're awesome.' or 'You're too hard on yourself, I think you are the best.' helped more than someone knowing my insecurities having the opportunity to bring them up when I was already being hard on myself. Our self worth shouldn't rely on others, and you cannot make someone else better by convincing them they are great-they have to recognize it themselves. I think like others said focusing more than on her beauty will let her know that she's a good person.

I also strongly agree with invisiblemonsters in that many women or young women insecure or not don't focus their self worth on what men think of their self esteem. People love compliments, but self esteem cannot be tied to that. I don't think telling us how the negatives of her body in detail is very supportive as a friend.

Did you not read what I wrote I said thats what she's insecure about I never said that being less developed or less curvey is a negative to me sure its nice but I could care less.  How do you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself?? You can't.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 30, 2014, 06:05:04 PM
Oh Brandon, a girl most certainly can be insecure in a relationship. We are always insecure. We always ask our guys if we look fat, if our butt looks too big in a certain dress and we always get pissed when you don't notice we have a new hairstyle. If that isn't insecurity and or looking for affirmation from our Guys, I don't know what is. You need to make us feel secure. Yes it is a stereotype but more often than not steroetypes tend to be true and that is our guys are supposed to make us feel good about ourselves Like we make you feel good about yourselves. What worries me and concerns me is why do you want her to appreciate herself before a relationship? That is kind of confusing. If you like her let her know. And FYI we don't need to be secure with our looks before you like us and let us know you like us.

Well let her know you care about her.

We all do regardless. But over and over again with no followup from you, like I said earlier, would make me think you are blowing smoke.

BTW you can follow her on facebook or twitter or whatever othe social network but face to face and body language will tell you a whole lot more.

I know girls are always insecure but I'm sorry how do you exepect someone to love if you don't love yourself. And if you read through everything I said I go to school with her so yes I can read her body language. The only reason I want her to be alittle more secure with in herself is because you cannot last like that, Not only that she's obviously not getting alot of attention from guys and even as her guy friend I don't want her to go out here and so something stupid for love. Your not gonna get anywhere with no self worth thats bs.

Some of you guys crack me up you don't even konw the girl and even if you are a girl doesn't mean you can speak for her. Its not just about trying to get with her, I don't want her to be the girl out here trying open her legs for everyone because thats what she feel like she needs to do to get love, Yes I like her alot but I also really care about her, Its a pain that she doesn't see what I see.

Quote from: Brandon on June 30, 2014, 07:48:57 PM

Did you not read what I wrote I said thats what she's insecure about I never said that being less developed or less curvey is a negative to me sure its nice but I could care less.  How do you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself?? You can't.

The way you wrote it, it definitely didn't sound like she was saying that but that you are. "Not to mention that she's....." It's not a supportive thing to do-I stand by those words. A young woman learns enough that she has to be worthwhile by being beautiful. I only told you why she may be withholding her feelings as well as others. no one is speaking for her but you. What does being insecure have to do with loving yourself? Many people have insecurities and love themselves. I think you're equating self confidence with self love. Everyone has insecurities it's not about loving yourself or not and if you think you can fix her or make her fix them she will stop telling you things.

Quote from: Brandon on June 30, 2014, 08:17:44 PM
Some of you guys crack me up you don't even konw the girl and even if you are a girl doesn't mean you can speak for her. Its not just about trying to get with her, I don't want her to be the girl out here trying open her legs for everyone because thats what she feel like she needs to do to get love, Yes I like her alot but I also really care about her, Its a pain that she doesn't see what I see.

Why is this about opening her legs to anyone?  That's also not very supportive of you as her friend if you think that she is just so insecure that someone can say the right things to her, also it's very disrespectful to someone you call your friend. Insecure people can have tons of self love and confident people can have low self esteem. You're assuming and expecting the worst of her. No one is speaking for her, but we speak for ourselves and what we felt in highschool or feel now.

If you already know-then I would say just not to grill her about it. When you're hanging out just say "I think you're great, but if you ever need to have a talk I'm always open to listen". If you're not trying to get her to talk about it then what exactly do you want from her? Do you want to just ask her 'Hey are you alright? You seem kinda down lately. Wanna chat?' Captian Awkward has a lot of articles about how to help a friend you think is struggling without prying into their personal life, even if you found out already.

http://captainawkward.com/2014/06/11/587-renegotiating-a-friendship-with-velcro-victor/#more-6912
-this one isn't quite the same, but it has great ideas

It can be frustrating or sad to have a friend who isn't as confident as you know they could be, but you can't force it out of them. Be a friend, give her space also: If she never said anything regarding personal feelings/info to you in person about it-she didn't say it. This is something I learned to live by as a good friend. What I see on someone's instagram/twitter/tumblr isn't said directly to me and if I mistakenly find out something I won't comment on it until they do. They didn't say it to me,therefore they didn't say it.  If they say 'Did you see my tumblr/twitter status on xyz' I will say 'Yes but I wasn't going to bring it up unless you wanted to talk about it. Do you need that confidential?'

Quote from: campenella on June 30, 2014, 08:58:03 PM
The way you wrote it, it definitely didn't sound like she was saying that but that you are. "Not to mention that she's....." It's not a supportive thing to do-I stand by those words. A young woman learns enough that she has to be worthwhile by being beautiful. I only told you why she may be withholding her feelings as well as others. no one is speaking for her but you. What does being insecure have to do with loving yourself? Many people have insecurities and love themselves. I think you're equating self confidence with self love. Everyone has insecurities it's not about loving yourself or not and if you think you can fix her or make her fix them she will stop telling you things.

Why is this about opening her legs to anyone?  That's also not very supportive of you as her friend if you think that she is just so insecure that someone can say the right things to her, also it's very disrespectful to someone you call your friend. Insecure people can have tons of self love and confident people can have low self esteem. You're assuming and expecting the worst of her. No one is speaking for her, but we speak for ourselves and what we felt in highschool or feel now.

If you already know-then I would say just not to grill her about it. When you're hanging out just say "I think you're great, but if you ever need to have a talk I'm always open to listen". If you're not trying to get her to talk about it then what exactly do you want from her? Do you want to just ask her 'Hey are you alright? You seem kinda down lately. Wanna chat?' Captian Awkward has a lot of articles about how to help a friend you think is struggling without prying into their personal life, even if you found out already.

http://captainawkward.com/2014/06/11/587-renegotiating-a-friendship-with-velcro-victor/#more-6912
-this one isn't quite the same, but it has great ideas

It can be frustrating or sad to have a friend who isn't as confident as you know they could be, but you can't force it out of them. Be a friend, give her space also: If she never said anything regarding personal feelings/info to you in person about it-she didn't say it. This is something I learned to live by as a good friend. What I see on someone's instagram/twitter/tumblr isn't said directly to me and if I mistakenly find out something I won't comment on it until they do. They didn't say it to me,therefore they didn't say it.  If they say 'Did you see my tumblr/twitter status on xyz' I will say 'Yes but I wasn't going to bring it up unless you wanted to talk about it. Do you need that confidential?'

Yea but I have been around girls who are so insecure and lack so much self worth that do end up looking in the wrong places and its not love at all its lust. And I never said she was like that, I would hope not, But some girls just want love that bad. And yea it's fustrating and sad to see someone you like and care about have low self worth. She doesn't know her worth though.

Quote from: Brandon on June 30, 2014, 07:48:57 PM

Did you not read what I wrote I said thats what she's insecure about I never said that being less developed or less curvey is a negative to me sure its nice but I could care less.  How do you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself?? You can't.

you just sound like you are wanting her to be a certain way and although you like her..you want to change some things. about how she isn't as "developed" or has insecurities. it is like you're wanting to "fix" her to fit your mold. you can very well be insecure and be in a relationship. if that was true, a lot of trans people, including yourself, wouldn't be in a relationship. you're insecure about things, or wanting to change your body. you know i'm right because you've posted about wishing you were cis, or have certain things cis gender men do or something along those lines. you don't, you want to change that and that's what being insecure is about..being unhappy or insecure or wanting to change your body to fit what you would like.

honestly, she is gonna have her demons, even if she loved herself, there will always be something people want to change. you can see the most confident person want to be thinner, more toned, anything. as i said it is her own demons she needs to deal with and to be her friend, or more, you need to just support her. you can tell her she is beautiful, that's great but in all honesty...it isn't about you and being with someone, it will never be just about you. you can go about this any way you want but you asked us for advice and we are giving you it. it is your choice to take it or not.

also saying that thing about her needing to open her legs for love is kinda rude. no one is saying anything about her like..thinking sex is about love or w/e. i think you don't want to just get in her pants but i also think you're worried she is gonna sleep with some guy who isn't you because you think they will make her feel more "secure" in a way that you aren't making her feel just by complimenting her.

idk man i just think you should put your own ego and feelings aside because it is her problems and has nothing to do with you. it is great you wanna make her feel better about herself and realize how great she is but even if she did sleep with someone else to make herself feel better, that is her own business and IF (being the giant key word here because she very well might not) she believed it was a mistake and regretted it, that is also her own business and hopefully she would learn from it and you can't hold that against her or even get mad that it happened just because she chose to figure it out that way instead of believing some guy who said she was beautiful.

things happen and people have insecurities and problems and w/e else and no one is gonna be perfect or fit some ridiculous standards, even if you set them for yourself. you having high standards for yourself doesn't make anyone who is insecure or w/e less worthy of love or being in relationship and you can't say she can't be in a relaitonship, or be happy, or be in love just because of this and that. idk i mean i get you want what is best for her but i also think there's this undermining tone of her not fitting this mold you're expecting of her, especially of a teenaged girl idk.

Quote from: invisiblemonsters on June 30, 2014, 09:18:50 PM
you just sound like you are wanting her to be a certain way and although you like her..you want to change some things. about how she isn't as "developed" or has insecurities. it is like you're wanting to "fix" her to fit your mold. you can very well be insecure and be in a relationship. if that was true, a lot of trans people, including yourself, wouldn't be in a relationship. you're insecure about things, or wanting to change your body. you know i'm right because you've posted about wishing you were cis, or have certain things cis gender men do or something along those lines. you don't, you want to change that and that's what being insecure is about..being unhappy or insecure or wanting to change your body to fit what you would like.

honestly, she is gonna have her demons, even if she loved herself, there will always be something people want to change. you can see the most confident person want to be thinner, more toned, anything. as i said it is her own demons she needs to deal with and to be her friend, or more, you need to just support her. you can tell her she is beautiful, that's great but in all honesty...it isn't about you and being with someone, it will never be just about you. you can go about this any way you want but you asked us for advice and we are giving you it. it is your choice to take it or not.

also saying that thing about her needing to open her legs for love is kinda rude. no one is saying anything about her like..thinking sex is about love or w/e. i think you don't want to just get in her pants but i also think you're worried she is gonna sleep with some guy who isn't you because you think they will make her feel more "secure" in a way that you aren't making her feel just by complimenting her.

idk man i just think you should put your own ego and feelings aside because it is her problems and has nothing to do with you. it is great you wanna make her feel better about herself and realize how great she is but even if she did sleep with someone else to make herself feel better, that is her own business and IF (being the giant key word here because she very well might not) she believed it was a mistake and regretted it, that is also her own business and hopefully she would learn from it and you can't hold that against her or even get mad that it happened just because she chose to figure it out that way instead of believing some guy who said she was beautiful.

things happen and people have insecurities and problems and w/e else and no one is gonna be perfect or fit some ridiculous standards, even if you set them for yourself. you having high standards for yourself doesn't make anyone who is insecure or w/e less worthy of love or being in relationship and you can't say she can't be in a relaitonship, or be happy, or be in love just because of this and that. idk i mean i get you want what is best for her but i also think there's this undermining tone of her not fitting this mold you're expecting of her, especially of a teenaged girl idk.

Ok first of all I'm learning to accept what I have its not that different than what a bio guys have anyways so thats irrelevnt sure I wish I was taller but hell girls still want me so its not that big of a deal. And Bruh you are way off I am far from that type of guy, I don't just want sex out of her you sound crazy, I'm not an ass hole, You need to learn how to read to I said some girls get so insecure and so low in self worth that they do open there legs for any and everyone, An you really sound crazy with the last part I can male her feel secure you really need to learn how to read. And I'm not trying to make her fit any mold. She's perfect the wa she is to me. And yea I could probally make her feel more secure in ways that you would not know so thats not something I'm worried. I have no idea wha your thinking about.

Quote from: Brandon on June 30, 2014, 09:10:24 PM

Yea but I have been around girls who are so insecure and lack so much self worth that do end up looking in the wrong places and its not love at all its lust. And I never said she was like that, I would hope not, But some girls just want love that bad. And yea it's fustrating and sad to see someone you like and care about have low self worth. She doesn't know her worth though.

If you're her friend, you wouldn't just cast doubt on her until she proves you wrong though. You implied that you think she would just have sex if she doesn't overcome her insecurities. That isn't support, it's a biased judgement. She isn't anyone but herself and to cast her into a stereotype is wrong. It's not one or the other. I had horrible self esteem and confidence until I was in like my college years. No one could break me out of it, but me. I slowly empowered myself with the help of friends who stood by me and supported me without invoking my insecurities. Talking when I needed, pushing when I needed and most importantly letting me have time to just mope and feel sorry for myself for a little while.

Focus on her positive things, don't push her and encourage her that you will be there. You can't fight her battles, especially her internal ones. If she tells you and you give her advice, they don't just go away. We all fight invisible battles.

Quote from: Brandon on June 30, 2014, 09:31:21 PM


Ok first of all I'm learning to accept what I have its not that different than what a bio guys have anyways so thats irrelevnt sure I wish I was taller but hell girls still want me so its not that big of a deal. And Bruh you are way off I am far from that type of guy, I don't just want sex out of her you sound crazy, I'm not an ass hole, You need to learn how to read to I said some girls get so insecure and so low in self worth that they do open there legs for any and everyone, An you really sound crazy with the last part I can male her feel secure you really need to learn how to read. And I'm not trying to make her fit any mold. She's perfect the wa she is to me. And yea I could probally make her feel more secure in ways that you would not know so thats not something I'm worried. I have no idea wha your thinking about.

The criticism invisiblemonster was making was that you want her to follow your advice that she's beautiful vs some other guy's advice who say's she's beautiful instead of learning how to empower herself to think that she's awesome with support. Why is her happiness dependent on you? That means her self worth is tied into what you say versus what she thinks.

Quote from: campenella on June 30, 2014, 10:02:26 PM
If you're her friend, you wouldn't just cast doubt on her until she proves you wrong though. You implied that you think she would just have sex if she doesn't overcome her insecurities. That isn't support, it's a biased judgement. She isn't anyone but herself and to cast her into a stereotype is wrong. It's not one or the other. I had horrible self esteem and confidence until I was in like my college years. No one could break me out of it, but me. I slowly empowered myself with the help of friends who stood by me and supported me without invoking my insecurities. Talking when I needed, pushing when I needed and most importantly letting me have time to just mope and feel sorry for myself for a little while.

Focus on her positive things, don't push her and encourage her that you will be there. You can't fight her battles, especially her internal ones. If she tells you and you give her advice, they don't just go away. We all fight invisible battles.

The criticism invisiblemonster was making was that you want her to follow your advice that she's beautiful vs some other guy's advice who say's she's beautiful instead of learning how to empower herself to think that she's awesome with support. Why is her happiness dependent on you? That means her self worth is tied into what you say versus what she thinks.

You guys have it all wrong you make it seem like I want something out of it. This has nothing to do with any other guy the only thing this has to do with is seeing how much she's worth. And If God put me in her life for that reason eventually she's gonna have to thank God first than thank him for putting me in her life. But again I don't want anything out of it no ones trying to force her to do anything. What the hell is wrong with wanting to help some you care for deeply out???

Quote from: Brandon on June 30, 2014, 10:09:40 PM


You guys have it all wrong you make it seem like I want something out of it. This has nothing to do with any other guy the only thing this has to do with is seeing how much she's worth. And If God put me in her life for that reason eventually she's gonna have to thank God first than thank him for putting me in her life. But again I don't want anything out of it no ones trying to force her to do anything. What the hell is wrong with wanting to help some you care for deeply out???

I'm not saying you want something out of it, only that the way you talk about her isn't supportive and it's disrespectful. I wouldn't want my friends to think I was doomed to fail and have a loveless life with manipulative people because I had insecurities. They wouldn't be my friends if I found out they talked about me that way. She can see how much she's worth and we've given you topics and resources to talk about. My criticisms aren't a condemnation but a conversation about how you want to proceed in helping her. Erasing your pre-judgement about how she will end up will help you help her. It's not about being her pillar or making her feel secure, that turns it into being about you vs her. Her relying on anyone but herself doesn't give her self reliance and confidence.

I mean it's pretty messed up to say that if God put you in her life to make her into a better person she'd better thank him, man. You care about her, so have faith in her and use the resources and topics we've suggested. Tell her things that don't rely on beauty, don't invoke things she's said online until she initiates, assure her that you will lend an ear. Don't link her self worth with her sexuality. Just hang with her and give her some time. She's a teen with problems like anyone else around your age.

Quote from: Brandon on June 30, 2014, 09:31:21 PM


Ok first of all I'm learning to accept what I have its not that different than what a bio guys have anyways so thats irrelevnt sure I wish I was taller but hell girls still want me so its not that big of a deal. And Bruh you are way off I am far from that type of guy, I don't just want sex out of her you sound crazy, I'm not an ass hole, You need to learn how to read to I said some girls get so insecure and so low in self worth that they do open there legs for any and everyone, An you really sound crazy with the last part I can male her feel secure you really need to learn how to read. And I'm not trying to make her fit any mold. She's perfect the wa she is to me. And yea I could probally make her feel more secure in ways that you would not know so thats not something I'm worried. I have no idea wha your thinking about.

siiiiigh. it isn't irrelevant because you still had to learn to ACCEPT THAT and BE OKAY with that instead of being insecure about it. that is exactly what she is gonna have to go through, accept things, be okay with them instead of being insecure about them and that is something SHE needs to work on. everything else i'm not gonna even get into. the point is you can compliment her all you want but don't be mad if she doesn't believe it because as i, and so many others have said, that is her own issues she needs to work on and you aren't magically gonna come in and fix everything. it just feels like you want to be her savior, and her to owe you (even if you say you don't...) and you fix her and w/e instead of actually helping her in a HEALTHY and RESPECTFUL way. a way that shouldn't be all about you, which is how it feels to me, and others i think.

I'm sure you mean it in a sincere way, but maybe to her it seems kind of glib. You might focus on what you like about HER. ANd if she IS insecure this would help her anyway.

--Jay