I think my dysphoria has ramped up, like a train down a hill...things are moving too slowly for me. My concious mind is too slow. My therapy is too slow. My wife is too slow. My visit to the psychiatrist is ages away. So is therefore the endo. I've got so many things on in my life that require me to be strong. I don't know how long I can keep the facade.
I'm talking more risks with getting outted.
My anxiety requires supportive people (some who know) to keep me going. I hang off their every smile.
I feel like a fake at times. I know inside there's a girl that I've yet to really know, and to really let live, but I'm too frightened of so many things.
I didn't want to bring my sadness to the forum, because frankly I've got it good. I just needed to say something to someone today.

Hi Bols! I lived and battled Dysphoria for 40 years so I know you can hold out a little longer. I myself thought Therapy and HRT would never arrive for me, but once the ball started rolling it took off fast. It does seem like it takes forever, but you will get there and be successful. Just remember, you are closer now then you have ever been so hang on. I know it is hard to be patient and the pain grows more every day from personal experience. You WILL make it! It WILL get there and you WILL have the life you so desperately need. I compare it to a roller coaster in that it takes so long to go up the first peak, but once you clear it, hang on as it travels like a down hill skier on ice in the Alps with a tail wind.

Hugs Honey.

You have my number.

Bols,

Please be safe.

It will get better whatever you decide to do.

You don't have to do anything fast, or listen to any of the bs on the interwebs.

Only listen to your heart. It will tell you when and if you want to follow the path prescribed on a site like this.

You will be okay kiddo.

Really like the image of a Freight Train and Angels by the way.

I used to watch the Burlington Northern moving thru snow and rain out West.

Big train a mile long seen at a distance with snow falling all round.

So beautiful.

Be safe Angel,

Jade

Thanks Jessica for your message of hope and strength! Means a lot.

Jade, you stirred up nice memories of when I lived in Europe...hiking with a good friend in powder snow. Silence so deep you could hear the flakes falling. Thanks! I am trying to take my time and be true to me. It's the freight train that is painful.

Cindy...going to burn a major bridge tonight. Will call you tomorrow. Thanks!
Hugs.

Going to burn another bridge tonight. Coming out to one of my best friends. Going to have a bottle of red. We usually call them gentlemen's evenings. This will be the last time we call it that. He's been there for me recently and I want to tell him out of respect.

Coming out to my sister went very well. It's such a relief.

Changed antidepressants from Cipramil to esipram. The first one was still making me spaced out too much after over month...hopefully esipram will be different. At the moment I'm getting major dizzy spells at times. And it only kicked in after two days... OMG did I feel BAD yesterday and this morning. Thank God it's picked up. It's a wake up call to my real state.

My dysphoria is running my life now. On a positive note, I felt I could pass today. It's the first time my self image has been like that. I'm also more settled on my real name my inside has been working on. Not yet comfortable to tell anyone yet, but it's also a start.

Hugs Doll,

I'm here for you; you know that

Thanks Cindy!

My friend took it so well, I'm humbled. I'm stunned. I'm glad he kept pouring that cab sav.
I'm glad he knows the real deal.

I've come out to all my closest friends, with nothing but amazing support and love. Seems I'm surrounded by so many angels!
One of my most manly friends, surprised me the most. He was so sweet and understanding. He send me a wonderful pic, which made me just melt - a shop sign "Be yourself. There is only one you! And she's amazing!".
Meanwhile the freight train goes on!

Life goes at its own pace. We are just around for the ride.

Happiness is all around us if we reach out for it.

Glad things are coming together for the good.

Enjoy everyday with a inner happiness.

Safe passage on your path forward

Hugs
Izzy

Congratulations! My personal support network has been my lifeline, literally, as if I only had the rejection I experienced from immediate family, I might have already gone ahead and ended it already. But those who have lifted me up, protected me, and been there for me have made a world of difference.

I hope that you find the same with your friends and that they can be there for you as you need.