I am only happy for 25% of the time, and that is because I am distracted by music, or some form of entertainment. The other 75% I am always miserable living my life, since there's so many things wrong with me. It seems like I was cursed to live a life that wasn't meant for me at all (which everyone here can understand). I try to make friends, but my friendships never last for long. I have autism, and it's like every social interation I have with people besides my family is ackward (and even that it is ackward).

I don't think I'll ever be truely happy. I am such a feminine person, and yet my body is male. It would require years, and at least 30k to make me passable, and even then... my family would reject me, at the bare minimum be very ashamed of me.

I get suicidal thoughts every now and then, but I will never act on them, it's more like a wishing. It's hard to explain, but I think if happens, then I could reincarnate as a female. Yet, I am not close to transistion or die yet. Since I was young, I was always feminine, and yet I think I mask my true personality for years now, wearing dresses when I was a kid, barbie dolls, to playing as a female avatar in video games, to having interest in fashion/beauty... there was nothing really masculine about me, except my body. I even remember shaving my arms when I was like 6, plucking my eyebrows around 10, and there's always the interest in wigs all my life.

I feel like a freak. I need some coping advice. I don't understand why I was place here.... I'll never will.

Wild Fire, I can't offer you good advice of my own at this time, but I'm 100% certain that your going to get it from someone who cares, right here.

Quote from: Wild Flower on June 30, 2014, 09:04:16 PM
It would require years, and at least 30k to make me passable

I see this so often and it makes me sad. What scale are you using to determine this? Is it realistic or obtainable? I personally do not use any scale because I am original. There is no one that looks like ME. You know what, that is the only scale you need sweetie. If you compare yourself to others when will it stop? You are always going to see flaws in the mirror, we all do, but if you are truly accepting of yourself it doesn't matter. I have not had any surgeries yet and I am full time and happy because I am living and being who I want to be. The only thing I am going to have is SRS. Do I look like a cis girl, no of course not because I know I never will and I accept that and go on my happy way. Take a good look around you. There are cis girls who get clocked all the time for "masculine" features. Just relax and be yourself and quit trying to become a perfect and flawless girl because it can't be done. Live your life for you and know you too are an original. When you accept this you will soar and enjoy your life with total confidence which is 75% of passing. The right attitude expresses confidence which in turn does more than any surgery ever will. 

And there you go, Wild Flower... Jessica tells it like it is everytime !! 

well, sorry to hear your in a rut . I haven't the slightest idea what it would be like to have autism. I'm sure it's a challenge . I've kind of coped by believing that some day I'd find a solution to my gender problem. It's taken a long time , but I think I finally found a way through HRT. hang in there .

Wild Flower,

I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't compare yourself to other people.  And I won't tell you that all you need in life is to validate yourself-that takes huge strength, and (the immaculately strong Jessica excluded), I don't think any of us can be islands.  For some such as myself, it really will take surgery for things to get better-but they DO get better-and it may not take that for you.  I didn't think I had a chance two years ago, and while I still don't pass, I'm getting very close.  For now though, getting through the day-to-day must be very hard, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I know the feeling well.

I think you need to remind yourself that you are not only your gender.  Transitioning is a very difficult process, and it takes a lot of planning.  My advice is this: Start exploring plans for the future.  See a gender therapist, start thinking of when/how/if you want to transition, and begin to make a plan.  In the meantime, find a way to make your life worthwhile.  Immerse yourself in projects, studies, artwork, hobbies, a good book-anything that can give you some small sense of purpose, and make life worth living in the short term while you find a way to "become yourself". 

I don't normally buy into eastern philosophy, but the practice of mindfulness can be very helpful in these situations as well-here's a quick summery of the practice:
http://mindfulnessovermatter.com/what-is-mindfulness/

Essentially, the goal is to live without indulging your own thoughts-simply to see, feel, describe-and never judge.  Focus on the moment without offering judgement.  Mindfulness isn't a good way to live life as a whole, but it can make getting through the day so much easier, it helped me immensely while I was waiting to transition.

I really hope things improve for you.  Things may feel terrible now, but if you can find a destination, a way to get there, and the means to survive until you do,  Things will get so much better!

I used to be a lot like that. I was suicidal and everything. I just stuck with it and it wasn't easy, but eventually I was given the greatest gift I could ask for, this job. For the first time in my life I was able to fully be my nerdy self without being judged for it. I'm have mostly everything I want except for someone to share life with. I'm happier than I've ever been and finding out about being trans has only made me happier overall. True I'm in the closet and am concerned about what's going to happen when I come out, but I feel like I'm with the right people for this transition to happen. I would have never thought I would feel the way I do now 4 years ago before I took this job. Hopefully it will stay that way.

just stick with it and eventually you'll find your place too.

Quote from: Wild Flower on June 30, 2014, 09:04:16 PM
I am only happy for 25% of the time, and that is because I am distracted by music, or some form of entertainment. The other 75% I am always miserable living my life, since there's so many things wrong with me. It seems like I was cursed to live a life that wasn't meant for me at all (which everyone here can understand). I try to make friends, but my friendships never last for long. I have autism, and it's like every social interation I have with people besides my family is ackward (and even that it is ackward).

I don't think I'll ever be truely happy. I am such a feminine person, and yet my body is male. It would require years, and at least 30k to make me passable, and even then... my family would reject me, at the bare minimum be very ashamed of me.

I get suicidal thoughts every now and then, but I will never act on them, it's more like a wishing. It's hard to explain, but I think if happens, then I could reincarnate as a female. Yet, I am not close to transistion or die yet. Since I was young, I was always feminine, and yet I think I mask my true personality for years now, wearing dresses when I was a kid, barbie dolls, to playing as a female avatar in video games, to having interest in fashion/beauty... there was nothing really masculine about me, except my body. I even remember shaving my arms when I was like 6, plucking my eyebrows around 10, and there's always the interest in wigs all my life.

I feel like a freak. I need some coping advice. I don't understand why I was place here.... I'll never will.

Never act on the suicidal thoughts if you believe in reincarnation because you will have to repeat whatever the lesson for you is in this life which may very well be the understanding of both genders in one or experience the one that you are least comfortable with. The technology we have we are capable of changing gender or you can try to make both exist in harmony and use both aspects. That is totally unique to eacah and everybody as they see fit. It doesn't really matter but suicide is not the answer so good that you don't OK?

You are not a freak. That you have to get out of your mind. Look at all the wonderful people that are genuine on this sight. We all have one thing in common and that is we were born the wrong gender than what we prefer or different variances of that feeling. We all go about dealing with it in different ways from full blown SRS to HRT to jsut tryiong to cope the best we can.

Coping advice. Practice female beauty regimines. Shaving legs, plucking and shaping your eyebrows, growing you hair long, wearing more femme or androgynous clothing and letting your female psyche influence your thoughts. That is if you can't afford HRT or SRS. But definately try to see a gender therapist to help you work through these feelings.

I am definately the black sheep of my family and it ain't killed me yet. So don't let the apprehension of what others may think influence you. It is your life and your body and as long as you are at least 18 or so, you have complete control of it.

Why you were placed here? That my dear is the greatest mystery of life that we will never truly know or be certain of. Just make the best of what you got to deal with and be the best you you can be.