To start with, I'll clarify the pretentious subject line of this introduction by explaining that that was my primary thought all day yesterday, which was quite an interesting experience and it told me a lot about how I feel about myself these days. It's been a time of massive changes and I'm kind of looking back at myself and wondering what of it will stick and what will just fade as my hormone levels settle down a little.
So the story is that I'm MAAB, but have always been very ignorant about gender, especially during childhood where it doesn't really matter one bit except for some dumb artificial social constructs that I completely ignored. Later on I continued ignoring it until I realised that holy crap, I'm completely broken because of dysphoria that I had managed to ignore and/or misdiagnose my entire life and sought help for it. After a year of battling with the trans clinic, I'm now almost 10 weeks into HRT and my life seems to finally be beginning and I'm experiencing the identity formation part of puberty that I completely skipped the last time around I was supposed to mentally be a teenager.
It's been rough as all hell, but it's been positive. But the biggest surprise is that after it started easing, I had had no conscious idea just how messed up I had been. I had been operating with a completely fabricated placeholder identity that is starting to crumble now that the "real" me is starting to come out of its shell, even though it will take more time and soul-searching to do so. But the biggest surprise was that I just had assumed that I'm nonbinary and pretty damn agendered and that I was just looking to get my body to fit with the internal image I've had of this very agendered thing which included mostly of things that HRT was looking to achieve.
But apparently my brain had other ideas. It took surprisingly long for the mental effects of the hormones to kick in (the physical ones have been shockingly fast and drastic, not that I'm complaining), but when it did, it did so with a power of a steam train. I finally continued the mental puberty that had been completely halted back when it was supposed to happen. A lot of pieces of the puzzle in my head have suddenly clicked together, and the most drastic one has been that I realised that I'm not agendered. I actually want to go all in with the transition and I am a woman after all. And after being actually quite happy about being asexual for my entire adult life, my brain had other ideas about that too. I had wondered why I had had crushes during the very early days of entering puberty but they seemed so foreign and weird later when I couldn't even imagine experiencing it again. Well, two months into HRT and bam, I found myself crushing on a girl for the first time in more than a decade again.
So yes, apparently I'm a full-blown translesbian, which doesn't seem to be the easiest way to go with life, but if you could choose these things for yourself, I bet life would be a heck of a lot simpler for a lot of folks out there. And all this is what formed the original thought that serves as the subject to this post... I don't pass, I don't even try to yet. Some recent events and changes to my body and face have made me believe strongly that if I give it a couple of years, more hormones, voice therapy, face lasering and most importantly emotional growth and stability, I will be able to. But as of right now, I feel like the greatest stealth lesbian on the planet! I mean, they don't even know that I'm a woman.
...don't know if anybody was this interested, but it felt good to write it anyway.
